Dad of Divas

One Dad's Quest to Regain Control of his Kingdom

A Guide to Family DIY Projects That Build Skills and Strengthen Bonds

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For busy parents, grandparents, and caregivers, home maintenance often lands on one person’s shoulders, squeezed between work, school schedules, and everything else. The challenge is real: engaging home repairs need to get done, but keeping kids and teens meaningfully involved can feel slower, messier, and harder to manage than doing it alone. Family home improvement projects change that dynamic by turning ordinary tasks into skill-building activities for families where everyone has a role and progress is visible. With the right approach, family bonding through DIY becomes part of the plan, supported by all-ages project ideas that build confidence.

Understanding Family-Friendly DIY Teamwork

To keep group projects enjoyable, start by matching the job to each person’s age and attention span. Then set teamwork up on purpose by defining clear roles, what “done” looks like, and which tools are off-limits. A quick family safety huddle and simple ground rules prevent small mistakes from turning into stress.

This matters because real collaboration is a learned skill, not a personality trait. Building routines around active listening, empathy, self-awareness helps kids contribute without taking over or shutting down. It also reduces rework, arguments, and the feeling that one adult must manage everything.

Think of it like a kitchen line: one person preps, one measures, one checks the timer, and everyone washes up. The project moves faster when each role is clear, and safety rules stay consistent. With roles and rules set, a simple faucet fix becomes a smooth, confidence-building win.

Try a Low-Risk Plumbing Win: Fix a Drip or Clear a Drain

Once your family has roles, safety expectations, and a teamwork mindset in place, a small plumbing fix can be a satisfying next test. Tackling a simple repair together, like stopping a leaky faucet or unclogging a slow drain, turns an everyday annoyance into a hands-on home project that builds practical skills across ages. Kids can help observe what’s happening and hand over parts, while teens and adults can take on the more technical steps, keeping everyone engaged and working toward the same clear outcome. To keep the momentum confidence-building (instead of frustrating), it helps to source professional-grade plumbing supplies from a reputable supplier so fittings match, materials hold up, and you’re not stuck mid-repair hunting for the right piece; you can follow along here for common plumbing items.

With one quick win under your belt, you’ll be ready to choose from a wider mix of all-ages projects you can start this month.

Project-Pick Checklist for Family DIY Wins

With that win behind you: This checklist helps you choose a project everyone can finish and feel proud of. Use it to match your time, tools, and ages to a clear, teamwork-friendly outcome in a world where the global home improvement market keeps growing.

? Confirm a two-hour starter project with one obvious finish line

? Choose painting bedroom walls with one test patch and one shared color plan

? Plan planting flowers and shrubs with zones, spacing, and a weekly watering owner

? Build a simple sandbox with pre-cut lumber and a set dig-and-level task

? Set up a home theater corner with cable routing and a viewing-distance check

? Sort the garage with labeled bins, donate piles, and a “return tools” spot

? Sketch a treehouse plan and stop at the design stage if unsure

Finish one project, then let the confidence carry into the next.

Family DIY Questions, Answered

Q: What’s the simplest way to keep a project safe with kids around?
A: Set a “tool zone” that only adults enter, and a “work zone” where everyone wears closed-toe shoes. Do a two-minute safety huddle to name the sharp, hot, and heavy items in today’s plan. When in doubt, swap power tools for pre-cut materials and hand tightening.

Q: How do I adapt one project for a 5-year-old and a teenager?
A: Break the job into roles: a helper role (sorting, handing items), a builder role (measuring, assembling), and a finisher role (labeling, decorating). Let the teen own any measuring or cutting, and give younger kids choices that still matter, like color placement or where labels go.

Q: Can we finish something meaningful in just two hours?
A: Yes, if you pick one visible goal and stop when you reach it. Pre-stage supplies, clear the workspace first, and choose tasks with fast feedback like organizing one shelf, painting a small area, or planting one defined bed.

Q: What should we do when everyone starts arguing mid-project?
A: Pause and reset roles instead of pushing through frustration. Use a simple chore chart or checklist that can keep all members on task so decisions feel fair and clear. End the reset by agreeing on the next three actions only.

Q: When should we stop and call it a day?
A: Stop when anyone is tired, rushing, or ignoring the plan. Clean up, store tools, and write one note about what to do next time so restarting feels easy.

Turn Family DIY Into Skills, Confidence, and Connection

Between busy schedules, mixed skill levels, and safety worries, starting home improvement projects can feel like more stress than it’s worth. A calm, flexible approach, keeping expectations realistic, communicating clearly, and choosing age-appropriate roles, makes the process manageable and enjoyable. When families lean into shared teamwork, the benefits of family DIY projects show up quickly: enhancing family skills, strengthening family bonds, and building confidence that carries into daily life. Small projects build big skills and stronger family bonds. Pick one starter task and schedule the first 30 minutes this week. Those small, shared wins create a steadier home and more resilient relationships over time.

Helping Your Child Make Friends with Easy Skills and Steady Support

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For busy parents of elementary and middle school kids, few updates sting like hearing that recess or lunch felt lonely again. Making friends at school can be surprisingly hard even for kind, capable children, because early friendship development depends on unspoken rules that shift with age and group dynamics. When child social challenges show up as hovering, clinging, or withdrawing, parents often feel torn between stepping in and giving space. With steady parental support in friendships, children can build the confidence to connect and keep connections going.

Understanding the Building Blocks of Friendship

Friendships often start with three basics: conversation skills, sharing, and inclusion. Conversation skills mean noticing others, taking turns talking, and asking simple follow-up questions. Sharing and inclusion mean making room for others, offering a turn, and inviting someone in.

These skills rarely click from one pep talk. Kids learn them by watching adults use them and by practicing in low-pressure moments. When you model greetings, listening, and fair turn-taking at home, your child gets a repeatable script for school.

Think of it like learning a sport in the backyard first. A quick dinner chat, a board game, or a sibling disagreement becomes practice for “Can I join?” or “You go next.” Repetition turns awkward tries into habits. Animated role-play stories make this practice easy, playful, and specific.

Turn Friendship Dilemmas Into 60-Second Cartoons Kids Can Rehearse

Once you know the building blocks, conversation, sharing, and inclusion, it helps to practice them in a way that feels playful rather than performative. Parents and kids can use an AI animation creator to turn everyday friendship dilemmas into quick visual stories you make together. These tools can rapidly transform a simple text prompt, a rough sketch, or an image into lively 2D or 3D animation, so you don’t need advanced design skills to bring ideas to life as short animated videos.

That shared creative process, making a comic, a storyboard, or an animation-style image, naturally builds the same social muscles kids need at school: taking turns in conversation, sharing ideas, listening to each other’s suggestions, and cooperating to decide what happens next. Because the “characters” take the spotlight, children can rehearse different responses with less pressure, and the fun format can make practice feel like play, while still building confidence for real-life social moments.

Weekly Friendship-Building Habits That Stick

These routines turn “making friends” into steady skill-building, so your child gets practice without extra pressure. Over time, tiny reps with you become calmer, more confident choices with peers.

Two-Minute Connection Check-In
  • What it is: Ask two questions about their day, then reflect back what you heard.
  • How often: Daily
  • Why it helps: Stronger parent-child communication supports a calmer home base for social risks.
One Compliment, One Question
  • What it is: Practice giving a kind comment, then asking a simple follow-up question.
  • How often: Daily
  • Why it helps: It builds conversation flow and makes others feel noticed.
Take-Turns Talk Timer
  • What it is: Set a short timer so each person speaks, then listens, without interruption.
  • How often: 3 times weekly
  • Why it helps: It trains pacing, listening, and not dominating the moment.
Sharing Choice Practice
  • What it is: Role-play offering two sharing options: “You can use it now or next.”
  • How often: Weekly
  • Why it helps: It keeps boundaries while still signaling cooperation.
Include-One Challenge
  • What it is: Plan one small inclusion move: inviting, saving a seat, or joining a game.
  • How often: Weekly
  • Why it helps: It strengthens belonging skills and reduces “stuck on the sidelines” habits.

Questions Parents Ask About Kids and Friendships

Q: How can I help my shy child approach other kids without pushing too hard?
A: Start with “side-by-side” situations like crafts, building, or a short playground stop, where talking is optional. Practice one simple opener at home, then let your child decide when to use it. Avoid labeling them as shy in front of others, since it can make the fear feel permanent.

Q: What should I do when my child keeps getting left out or rejected?
A: Validate the hurt first, then shift to one next attempt that is smaller and more specific, like inviting one classmate to do one activity. Help them look for “green flags” like kids who respond kindly or share attention. Avoid pressuring them to befriend someone who repeatedly excludes or teases.

Q: How do I coach peer conflict without turning it into a lecture?
A: Keep it short: name the problem, brainstorm two fair options, and rehearse one sentence they can say calmly. Using perspective-taking helps kids consider the situation from the other’s shoes, which can cool the conflict fast. Avoid writing a long script they cannot remember in the moment.

Q: Should I step in when my child argues during playdates?
A: Step in if there is hurtful language, unsafe behavior, or one child is consistently dominated. Otherwise, pause and observe, then offer a quick reset like “Take a breath, pick one rule, and restart.” Avoid negotiating every detail, since kids need chances to practice repairing.

Q: Can different personalities make friendship harder, and what can I do about it?
A: Yes, some kids prefer loud group play while others like one close buddy, and both can thrive. A study with 434 participants highlights how personality differences shape which friendship behaviors feel natural. Help your child choose settings that fit their style, and avoid forcing a “one right way” to socialize.

Practice Small Social Skills That Grow Into Real Friendships

When a child feels shy, gets left out, or bumps into conflict, it can be hard to know when to step in and when to step back. The steady approach is supportive parental coaching: noticing patterns, naming feelings, and modeling positive behaviors that make connection easier. Over time, that parental coaching impact shows up as long-term friendship skills, more confident attempts, kinder repairs after mistakes, and a clearer sense of how to encourage peer relationships. Small, repeated coaching moments build sustained social development.

Rainy Day Magic: Turn Craft Time into Gifts That Matter

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Kid painting plant pot diy hobby

Designed by Freepik

Rainy afternoons are perfect for turning cabin fever into creativity — especially when that creativity results in something heartfelt. With a few supplies and a spark of imagination, kids can transform indoor hours into handmade gifts that stick around long after the skies clear. From keepsakes to crafts, these projects offer meaning, fun, and something a little more personal than another toy from the shelf. You don’t need expensive tools or a background in art — just some space, some time, and a willingness to make a mess. And in the end, what you’ll get isn’t just an activity. It’s a story. One that someone you love will hold onto.

Painted Keepsakes That Last

Handprints on canvas or tile never go out of style. There’s something beautifully simple about capturing the exact shape and size of your child’s hand at a certain age. Give kids a brush, some paint, and a surface like wood or ceramic, and they’ll create something timeless. Add names or dates with a marker or stamp, and you’ve got a memory frozen in paint. These make perfect grandparent gifts — sentimental, sturdy, and proudly displayable. Whether you hang them in the hallway or tuck them into a bookshelf, these little canvases speak louder than words ever could.

Recycled Craft Surprises

That cereal box? It’s now a pencil holder. Yogurt container? Gift jar. Let kids raid the recycling bin, grab some glue, and see what they invent. These projects double as creative reuse lessons and low-cost gift solutions. Decorations can be anything: ribbons, fabric scraps, newspaper, string. The final product is always one-of-a-kind, and there’s pride in knowing it came from “nothing.” Bonus: grandparents tend to love the story as much as the item itself — and they usually end up telling friends about “what their grandkid made out of a paper towel roll.”

Handprint Ornaments With Soul

Salt dough and air-dry clay make it easy to capture a moment. Mix up a quick batch, flatten it out, and press in a tiny hand or footprint. Use cookie cutters or a jar rim to trim the shape, then poke a hole for hanging. Once dry, let kids paint or decorate however they want — glitter, stamps, names, dates. These ornaments are emotional heavy-hitters: they’re not just crafts, they’re time stamps. Tied with a ribbon, they go from a simple project to keepsake in minutes. And the best part? You’ll still find them hanging on the tree ten years from now.

Decorated Picture Frames

Start with a blank wooden or cardboard frame. Hand over buttons, paint, stickers, fabric, beads — anything goes. Let kids go wild decorating, then add a family photo or drawing. It’s a quick, low-mess craft that becomes a meaningful gift. There’s something special about receiving a photo in a frame someone built with you in mind. Every crooked sticker and over-glued pompom is proof that someone small put in effort for someone they care about. These frames often become permanent fixtures — on desks, shelves, or next to the kitchen phone.

Nature-Inspired Indoor Creations

Stuck inside? Use leaves, pressed flowers, or twigs from a previous walk. Wax paper or contact sheets turn natural bits into suncatchers, bookmarks, or wall hangings. These pieces connect outdoor memories to indoor creativity. You can also make leaf rubbings with crayons, or use small sticks to create star-shaped ornaments. They feel thoughtful and earthy — perfect for anyone who’d rather be out on the trail than in front of a screen. Even better, they quietly celebrate the seasons, which makes them perfect for holiday gifting.

Easy Sewing Projects for Beginners

Older kids can try hand-sewing small items like bookmarks, coin pouches, or lavender sachets. Felt works great — no fraying, easy to shape. Add buttons or embroidery floss for detail. It’s a quiet, focused craft that teaches patience and produces real, usable gifts. Choose projects that finish in under an hour, so kids stay engaged and don’t burn out mid-stitch. And for family members, there’s charm in every imperfect seam. They’ll know the child made it — and that’s the whole point.

Personalized Holiday Cards That Mean Something

One of the simplest gifts? A card made with care. Kids can draw or collage by hand — or for a polished touch, use a platform to create custom holiday photo greeting cards with templates, photos, and festive foil. The result is a card that feels more like a keepsake than an afterthought. It also allows families to include everyone in the process — picking photos, choosing colors, writing messages. Whether mailed or hand-delivered, these cards leave a lasting impression. They don’t just say “Happy Holidays”; they say “We made this just for you.”

Rainy days slow things down — which might be exactly what gift-making needs. With the right project, kids stay busy, family gets something meaningful, and no one misses the sun. What starts as a messy table turns into a memory. And for the child? It’s not just an afternoon spent crafting — it’s a moment when they made something real for someone else. These aren’t just projects. They’re bridges. Between people. Between rainy days and warmer hearts.

Discover inspiring stories and valuable insights on fatherhood at Dad of Divas, where every dad’s journey is celebrated and supported.

Quality Time With Kids – Back Next Week!

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Hey everyone, Chris here from The Dad and Daughter Connection podcast. Just a quick note to let you know that we’re taking a brief break this week—there won’t be a new episode dropping, and for good reason. I’m out west with my daughter, exploring some of the most beautiful places in the country—Bryce, Zion and Grand Canyon National Parks.

This trip is about more than just sightseeing. It’s about being present—putting away the noise, stepping away from the routine, and really leaning into that one-on-one time that helps strengthen the bond between father and daughter. These are the moments we talk about on the show, and now I get to live one of them in real time.

I’ll be back next week with a brand new episode, full of insight and inspiration. But in the meantime, I hope this reminds you to carve out some intentional time with your kids. You don’t have to go to a national park—but show up, be present, and create memories that last a lifetime.

See you soon!

Connection Before Correction: Building Strong Parent-Child Bonds with Eran Magen

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Parenting is a continual journey, one that evolves as our children grow and as we, too, learn new ways to connect with them. This week on the “Dad and Daughter Connection” podcast, Dr. Christopher Lewis sits down with Dr. Eran Magen—father, relationship expert, and creator of the Parenting for Humans and Divorcing Dads resources—for a heartfelt and refreshingly honest conversation about fatherhood, connection, and resilience.

Presence Over Perfection

One of the central themes of the episode is the power of presence. Eran shares that being fully present—and putting away distractions, especially digital ones—lays the groundwork for genuine connection. Whether through playful activities like acro yoga or watching a favorite show together, the focus isn’t on orchestrating perfect moments, but on truly showing up for our kids, time and time again.

Respect and Emotional Safety

Eran emphasizes treating children with deep respect, validating their feelings, and giving them true space to express themselves. Instead of rushing to fix problems or dismissing their emotions, he advocates for really listening—even paraphrasing back what they’ve shared—to make sure they feel heard and understood. This builds not only trust but helps children develop a positive, self-compassionate inner voice that stays with them for life.

Connection Before Correction

Drawing from his work at ParentingForHumans.com, Eran introduces the concept of prioritizing connection over correction. When the bond between parent and child is strong, discipline becomes less about control and more about collaboration. It’s about building relational habits—like kindness, presence, and respect—into everyday life, so that challenges are easier to navigate when they arise.

Navigating Divorce and Co-Parenting

For fathers navigating separation or divorce, Eran offers wisdom and hope. He urges dads not to let shame or fear of disconnection hold them back from seeking support, or from fighting for meaningful time with their children. Even in limited circumstances, quality of presence trumps quantity—being truly engaged makes all the difference.

Whether you’re a dad seeking fresh ideas, a parent amid big transitions, or simply someone passionate about fostering strong family relationships, this episode is an inspiring listen. Tune in for practical tips, honest stories, and compassionate advice that will help you nurture lasting bonds—one present moment at a time.

Ready to be inspired? Listen now to the full conversation on the “Dad and Daughter Connection” podcast!

If you enjoyed this episode we ask you to take a moment to take our Dad and Daughter Connection Survey to let us know more about you as a dad. You can also sign up to get our newsletter to stay connected to our community and we will send items of interest to you to help you to be the dad that you want to be. Feel free to follow me on the following social media platforms: Facebook, Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, X.

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
If you’re looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’re in the right place. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we’ll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let’s get started. Because being a great dad isn’t just about being there. It’s about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]:
Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection, where every week I love being able to talk to you about this connection that you want to build with your daughters. And we do that every week because it is a process. This journey that you’re on is going to be one where you’re going to have to learn, you’re going to have to grow, you’re going to have to be willing to be open to finding new ways to build that relationship day by day. Because as your daughter grows, you can’t just think that one way of doing things is going to happen and stay the same. You got to keep adjusting and being there, being engaged and helping your daughter one step at a time and being engaged and connected to your daughter in so many ways throughout their life. That being said, that’s why every week I bring you different guests, different people with different experiences to help you along this journey, to give you some tools for your toolbox and to allow for you the opportunity to learn and grow, to be able to find new ways to build those stronger connections and to leave every episode with an opportunity to be able to start something new from the end of that episode on. This week we got another great guest. Dr.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:28]:
Aran McGinn is with us today. And Aron is someone that, as he says, he believes in relationships, believes in people and helps people to have better relationships. Perfect fit for you as a dad with a daughter. He’s also a father of a son, so we’re going to be talking about his own journey being a father. He’s been working with individuals for quite a few years and most recently he’s been created two new resources that are definitely going to help you as a dad. He has a site by the name of Parenting for Humans as well as divorcingdads.org we’re going to talk about both of these resources and some things that may help you along the way, depending on your own situation and where you’re at. And I’m really excited to have him here today. Aron, thanks so much for being here.

Eran Magen [00:02:18]:
My great pleasure. Thank you for inviting me on.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:21]:
Well, it is my pleasure having you here. And as I said, you are a father of a son and I am really excited to be able to delve a little bit into you as a dad to get to know you and your own journey. I guess as you think back to the time that you’ve had with your son thus far, what’s one of the most meaningful moments that you’ve been able to share with him and what made it so special?

Eran Magen [00:02:41]:
I’m glad you want to talk about my son, because it’s my favorite topic. And, you know, if we don’t watch ourselves, we’re going to have the podcast equivalent of me showing you every photo of my son except an audio version that I have. I’m. I’m one of those people. There are a lot of good moments. The most recent, I’ll go with the most recent that, like, stood out to me, which was really fun. And then I’m happy to scan backwards, if you want, and come up with even better ones. I do a thing called acro yoga, and Acroyoga has very little to do with yoga and more to do.

Eran Magen [00:03:04]:
Like, sometimes people call it partner acrobatics. It’s when. When people balance on each other. And a lot of parents do this with their kids, right? The parent lies down on his or her back, and the kid is on the parent’s feet, sort of belly down, arms forward, Superman, right? Like, we. We all do this with our kids, but it gets much more sophisticated, and you can do many more interesting things. People can sit on other people or stand on other people or flip around on other people and so on. And you can do it with grownups, and you can do it with kids, obviously. And it’s easier with kids because they’re little, alert.

Eran Magen [00:03:31]:
And so this is something that I’ve been doing with my son since he was little, and we do it a little bit. I kind of wish he was super into it and he’s kind of into it, but he’s the most into it when he can show off to other people, when it’s just the two of us. He’s like, I don’t know if I need to do it right now. But we were playing soccer in his school after I picked him up, and we’re playing with another kid that often plays with us there. And then my son went off and did something else. And in the meantime, I was doing some acro yoga with this other kid, introducing him to it, and his mom, who was there and consented to the whole thing. And my son ran back and really wanted to do some acro to show the other kid that he knows more. That was very motivating for him.

Eran Magen [00:04:06]:
And then we did, and it was fun. But then the next day we came out, and it was sort of the first day of spring here in Connecticut, and we. We just stepped out to the yard, and out of nowhere, my son says, dad, do you want to do some acro yoga? Do you want to practice? And my heart just Expanded. It was just so nice because he, he, you know, I didn’t suggest it, I never mentioned it, but it was sort of back on his mind. And it’s just so nice to feel like our kids are into things that we’re into and they want to spend time together doing those things. That was a really fun moment, but they’re just thousands of these stories. This is the most recent. I keep a spreadsheet that I made when he was born.

Eran Magen [00:04:36]:
When he was born, I did two things. I created an email inbox for him, which I occasionally write to things that I can’t say now that he wouldn’t understand. So I write stuff that I want to tell him, letters for later, and I’ll give him the login credentials when he’s. Or 18 or something. And the other thing I did is start this spreadsheet called Milestones and Memories and First Times. And I just sit down and write stuff that happened every once in a while. So I have like this long list that I can go through and see the things that were exciting for me. When he was 2, when he was 4, when he was 6.

Eran Magen [00:05:04]:
It’s really fun. And this is one of those moments.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:06]:
As your son is getting older and you are trying to guide him and work to be able to mold and meld him into the adult that he is becoming, how do you balance guiding your son while also giving him the independence to grow into his own person?

Eran Magen [00:05:23]:
I think my job is mostly to provide kind of safety and nourishment and let him grow where he grows. I’m not trying too hard to move him one way or another. I’m vegan, for example. I don’t insist on him being vegan. Not my job, not his problem. I keep my home vegan because it’s more comfortable for me. But if he really wants to bring something into that, we’re in the supermarket and we’ll buy stuff and he really wants to get something that isn’t, that’s fine. Then we will.

Eran Magen [00:05:47]:
Certainly, if we’re out in the world and he wants to get something or word a party and he wants to eat a thing, everybody eating totally fine. And so I’m not trying exactly to mold him into anything. I’m trying to provide good supports for him as he grows into things. There’s a little bit of a gray line, right? Because if I see him kind of starting to spin out about something, be really anxious about something in a way that I think is not necessary, I’ll try to help him figure out ways to not be upset about it. And so is that molding? I sometimes ask myself. Yeah, but it feels very kind of benevolent and not coercive. You know, this. This feels more like me removing roadblocks than forcing him to go down a specific path.

Eran Magen [00:06:24]:
And so I really think there are many ways to describe the job of parent, and many people have lots of ideas about what those jobs are. I think they’re probably all true. I think one of the most important parts of being a parent, one of the most important jobs, is creating the voice that kids have inside their head, how they talk to themselves, because that voice will stay on for many, many years. And changing that voice requires a huge amount of therapy. And so that, to me, is a very, very important part of what I think about as a parent. How I hear him talking to himself and helping him adjust that voice. I’m not trying to tell that voice what to tell him to do. Right.

Eran Magen [00:06:56]:
It’s more how he relates to himself. So in a real sense, one of my primary jobs is making sure he has a good relationship with himself. What he grows up to be is up to him.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:04]:
What are some intentional ways you’ve worked to strengthen your bond with your son, especially during challenging times?

Eran Magen [00:07:11]:
I would divide the ways into two big categories. I think one is just helpful habits, and the other is maybe specific events or specific things in time. The most important habit by far is bringing my full presence. Right. My phone is away. My phone is often on do not disturb. It’s 100% focus on him when I’m with him. And I think that makes an enormous difference.

Eran Magen [00:07:31]:
He’s not orbiting. We do stuff together. And when we’re not doing stuff together, then we’re not. Then we’re doing stuff separately. But if we are connecting, I’m fully there. I’m not splitting my attention. And I think that’s enormously important. The other thing that I do, I don’t want to make it sound like I am the first person to do this or the first to have thought about it, but I just think it’s so important, is I communicate with him with great respect.

Eran Magen [00:07:55]:
I treat him as a person, not as a soldier or a servant or an ignorant person or any of those things. If he has a question or if he has a thought, we really discuss it for as long as he wants to, basically. And when I see that he’s starting to look in different directions and is getting antsy, then we’ll go do something else. Like, we don’t have to belabor the point, but really taking Very seriously. His thoughts, his questions, his ideas, his opinions, they really count. So these are all things that I would put in the relational habits bucket in terms of the, like, more specific things that I do to strengthen the bond. We really do a lot of this stuff together. So for example, videos, YouTube, you know, or shows on Netflix or whatever, we watch those things together and we’ll talk about them.

Eran Magen [00:08:37]:
It’s a big part of what we talk about later. And I think it’s helpful to help him process and understand what he saw and what his opinion is and whatever. But I don’t just like send him off to watch a thing and then we do our next thing. A lot of this kind of activity is something that, that we’ll do together and it creates a huge amount of shared language and shared jokes and shared things. We also do just a lot of activities together. I’m into a lot of stuff and I’ll offer these things to him and if it’s of interest to him, then we’ll do it and we’ll go, you know, ice skating or practice proto jiu jitsu on the carpet or cook together or whatever, whatever it is. But a lot of time and a lot of shared activities. So I think this combination of doing lots of stuff that we both enjoy together and being very respectful of his preferences and opinions and thoughts and questions and ideas, and interacting him as though he’s an actual person and not less of a person than I am.

Eran Magen [00:09:26]:
These are probably the main columns supporting the relationship.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:29]:
What’s a mistake that you’ve made as a father and what did you learn from it about fostering a positive connection?

Eran Magen [00:09:37]:
There are a couple of things. I remember where I noticed my son having difficulties with some things. And I thought, ah, the world will correct this. I don’t need to step in. And that’s sort of a, I don’t know, call it like a general tendency that I have. I guess in some contexts it’s good, in some contexts it’s bad but. Or helpful and unhelpful rather. I guess.

Eran Magen [00:09:53]:
But I tend to wait until stepping in and intervening with something and often that’s a good thing. Like, you know, a lot of parents are really worried about their kids still using a pacifier when they’re X months old or. And I’ve never seen a kid in college with a pacifier in his mouth. You know, like these things tend to work themselves out, but people can get super worried. And so I’m usually of the opinion that like the world will fix this. We just give it time and this will work out. But there are some things where he really had difficulty, and I waited too long to step in and do what I would consider a more significant intervention. Right.

Eran Magen [00:10:27]:
Like some kinds of. I want to be mindful of my son’s privacy as well, because in 60 years, when he chooses to do something, or in 40 years or 20 years, you know, somebody digs up, the podcast says, oh, you used to do this thing. So I’m actually. I’m very mindful of the privacy of kids in sessions that I do, including, I guess, when I’m interviewed. This is the first time that I’m talking about this. But he had some social challenges that he was going through and were noticeable to me. And I thought, oh, the world will polish this off. This will be okay.

Eran Magen [00:10:53]:
And I think it was like, it. It required some sort of a more thoughtful, intentional intervention that eventually the school recommended, and then we did. And I think it’s been very helpful and not. Not too hard. We didn’t catch it super late. Like, no crisis resulted, but I could have done it earlier. I felt sad for not doing it, because it just would have made, I think, life a little easier for him during those, I don’t know, two, three years. And now there’s something that there’s a pathway that got laid down that was not the most helpful.

Eran Magen [00:11:20]:
And changing something and undoing something is always harder than it is just correcting course earlier on. So I don’t know if this is exactly answering your question in terms of, like, a relational mistake, but this is a parenting mistake that I feel that I made and learned from.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:33]:
No, it definitely does. And I think that, I mean, learning that is definitely something that all of us have to do along the way as well. Is there anything that you intentionally do to make your son feel valued and heard?

Eran Magen [00:11:45]:
There are a few things that I do. And really, a lot of how I relate to my son is in service of making him feel valued and heard. And so I’m trying to pick out the more specific things that I do because a lot of this is on my mind, kind of ongoing. How do I make sure that he feels like he has a voice? And so a few things that I can say when he’s upset about something. I remember this when he was two, and I remember this two weeks ago when he was seven and a half. I don’t shut down the upset. I spend some time, a good deal of time, letting him express the upset, and I’m still comforting him during the process. But I don’t say it’s not a problem.

Eran Magen [00:12:19]:
I don’t say, you know, stop crying. I don’t say, you know, I ask him to explain what happened and what was so upsetting. And I’ll kind of sit in it with him and I’ll paraphrase and say it back and so on. But I’m not trying to shut it down or fix it too quickly. And I think that’s really important because I’ve seen him develop this habit of as a result, I believe, of when something upsetting or surprising or scary happens, he’ll have the reaction, but then he’ll narrate the process back to me and sort of calm himself down as he more or less immediately gains an understanding of this story and what made him upset. I think that’s been really useful. But I think just in general, it’s a nice thing for people to do with one another, right? Not shut down the upset, but rather sit with it for a little bit and sit in it together. His opinions really matter.

Eran Magen [00:12:57]:
If he suggests things that didn’t occur to me, I’ll consider them really seriously. He’s at this point, he’s suggested some ideas for not just ways to spend a day, but like a vacation destination or a totally new activity that we’ve never done that he just heard about from a friend, and that becomes a real thing. We’ll research it together a little bit, and if it seems appealing, we’ll go and give it a try. So he really gets to to lead when he wants to, or at least suggest directions, and then I’ll operationalize it. But he has a real voice and a real say in how we spend time individually and as a family.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:30]:
Now, I mentioned at the beginning that you have a few different resources that are available. You have your parentingforhumans.com website as well as divorcingdads.org and both of those were created not only to help others like yourself that were going through similar things, but also in your work and your engagement with people and seeing the need. You expanded that. And there are a couple of questions that came up when I looked at both of these sites. And I think first and foremost, when I was looking@parentingforhumans.com, your site emphasizes connection before correction. Can you explain what that means and why it’s so crucial for parents, especially fathers?

Eran Magen [00:14:12]:
It’s my strong belief and also my consistent observation that when the relationship between a parent and a child is good, everything is easy. There’s just not the constant conflict. There’s not the badgering. Do this now, like I told you a thousand times, things are just easy and smooth. And when people have a stronger relationship, then there’s more trust and there’s more willingness to be vulnerable and honest on both sides. And there’s more forgiveness and there’s more cooperation. And so spending time just laying the foundations and having a good relationship just preempts and prevents all these negative things that then need to get corrected. It’s sort of like living a life and eating well and doing a reasonable amount of exercise and sleeping enough, socializing and having enough fun, and then you just have to deal with a lot less, fixing medical problems.

Eran Magen [00:14:57]:
Right. They just tend to happen. And I think it’s very much like that in relationships too. Just spending time building a strong relationship rather than relying on occasional forceful corrections which leave everybody, I think, unhappy, basically. And for a lot of people growing up, the role of the dad is often as the disciplinarian. At least that’s the caricature. I’m not totally sure that that’s always true or even true the majority of the time. I know a lot of soft dads, and I know a lot of harsh moms, and I know a lot of harsh dads and a lot of soft moms.

Eran Magen [00:15:26]:
But I do think that a lot of men, certainly from the past three generations, grew up not being taught how to show affection in a soft way and how to connect in a way that feels warm and comfortable and consistent, as opposed to occasionally dropping in and doing some big gesture, but in the meantime being sort of cold or reserved or stoic. And when you don’t have a strong relationship, inevitably things start, start sliding and then you need big corrections to happen, which I think damage the relationship further. So I’m a big, big believer of creating that foundation of just a strong relationship through good daily, call it relational hygiene, just developing good relational habits. Things that we do without thinking over the course of the day as, as a habit that we, we adopt. And through that, strengthening the relationship constantly.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:13]:
Now, many parents want to be more supportive, but fall into that problem solving mode. How can dads become better listeners and emotionally attuned to their kids?

Eran Magen [00:16:23]:
There’s one technique that I think is magic and keeps us safe. It keeps us from making these kinds of relational mistakes. And the technique is not only magic, but also super simple, which is what’s so nice about it, which is paraphrasing. Learn to say back what the other person said to you. And the, the thought behind it is the thought we want to have behind it when we’re paraphrasing. Is, am I understanding your experience correctly? Just that, right? So our kids come in, our kid comes in and looking, you know, unhappy. And we say, what’s going on? And kid is in a sharing mood that day. And she says, oh, my friend Jessica is being a pain at school.

Eran Magen [00:16:59]:
And so to be able to say in our heads, huh, let’s see if I understand correctly my kid’s experience and saying, so Jessica is being mean to you because that’s what we understood. And then our kid might say, no, no, she’s not being mean to me. She’s being super nice to me. But I know that behind my back she, blah, blah, whether we get it right or we get it wrong, it doesn’t matter. Just putting herself in a position and in kind of a mental stance of trying to understand our child, child. And all we need to do is say back what we heard. We don’t need to interrogate, we certainly don’t need to diagnose, definitely not give advice. Just getting in the habit of when our kid looks upset to just once, just for one turn, try to paraphrase, try to say back what we understood.

Eran Magen [00:17:40]:
And seeing what happens. And very often they will share more and more. And it’s kind of amazing because parents often feel like their kids, once they hit a certain age, will not share with them anymore. But if we’re not trying to shape their experience, they want to be heard, right? And as we build trust with them, they share more and more. So if I could suggest one single thing, which I think is what you, you were asking me to do, I would say try paraphrasing once as the first thing you do in a conversation and see what happens. And then if you can, keep on paraphrasing as they continue talking.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:18:07]:
Now, you also talk about emotional safety and parent child relationships. What are some simple everyday ways fathers can do that?

Eran Magen [00:18:15]:
So I’ll continue a little bit from my previous answer and then I’ll give a couple of other things. The huge power of paraphrasing comes not just from having the child correct you yes or no, but we’re showing so much when we’re trying to check if we understand the child’s experience right. We’re showing that we want to know. We’re showing that we’re not judging and we’re not taking charge of the conversation. We’re letting the child lead. We’re showing that we’re curious about the child’s experience and validated. There’s just so much power there. And we do all this pretty Implicitly, through the process of paraphrasing.

Eran Magen [00:18:44]:
I think also doing it explicitly is very, very important. So a lot of us grew up not seeing examples of. Well, some of us just grew up without having people around us saying, I love you or I care about you or any of those things. And then we feel awkward saying them ourselves to other people. And likewise, maybe we never saw examples of people saying something like, your happiness is the most important thing for me, or I really care about how you feel, and I want to know what. What could make things better for you, in your opinion or any. Any of those things. And I think that the assumption of telepathy, or the hope of telepathy, silent relationship killer, including between parents and kids.

Eran Magen [00:19:22]:
Right? Because we know parents occasionally will say in anger, everything I do, I do for you. How could you possibly think that I don’t care? And usually when it’s done in anger, it happens because it’s. It’s too late into the process. And the kid really didn’t understand. The kid really didn’t see it. And being able to verbalize it earlier is so important. So I think getting into the habit of telling our kids, not in anger, but in great warmth and happiness to say, I’m so happy to see you happy. Let’s say something good happened.

Eran Magen [00:19:48]:
Our kid, you know, did something that our kid feels good about. And to say, this is awesome. I’m so glad to see you so happy. You know, I love seeing you happy like this. Like, just remembering to say these things rather than just say, good job, you know, punch in the shoulder, move on with our day. It’s so important to verbalize it. And when our kid is upset to say, I can see you’re upset, you know, and I really want to help you solve it. Or if our kid says, I really want to get into band at school.

Eran Magen [00:20:11]:
And then two days later, we realized that it would be a good idea for a kid to spend more time practicing the oboe or. Or whatever it is using to get into band. And to say, not just, I think you should be practicing your oboe. Like, if you want to get into band, I think you should just. But to lead with. I remember a couple days ago, we were talking about how much you want to get into band. And their kid goes, yeah. And we say, you know, I.

Eran Magen [00:20:31]:
I want to see you achieving your goals, right? I want to see you happy and doing things you want to do. And it looks like band is one of those things. And. And I was thinking about ways, you know, things you could do or we could do to help you get into band. Do you want to talk about this? Do you want to hear what I’m thinking? Right. But just being explicit about our goodwill toward our child, ridiculous as it sounds to many parents, is so important because the kids don’t know. How would they know this is their first time around. Right.

Eran Magen [00:20:54]:
We’re just. We’re expl. Expecting them to know all these things that they. They might not. And so being explicit about our goodwill toward our kids is enormously important. So that’s one thing. And the second thing I’ll say much more briefly is remembering to be present is number one, to be nice is number two, and to be respectful is number three. So being present, I talked about this already.

Eran Magen [00:21:13]:
Just actually having times when are dedicated to our kids and everything else on the side. Being nice. By being nice, I mean remembering to actually say thank you, remembering to praise, remembering to tell them how good we feel when we’re around them or we see that they did certain things. These are all so important and don’t happen often. And then number three, in terms of being respectful, I touched on this before. Treating them like we would treat people who are farther from us, like we would treat colleagues in terms of the level of respect. So not just kind of waving your hand at them when it’s time for them to leave or do a thing, but actually turning our body and looking at them and saying, why don’t you? Blah, blah, blah, or would you please? Or things like that, instead of shouting instructions from a distance, coming over and speaking with them and saying about the things that we want them to do. So being present, being kind, being respectful goes an extremely long way in just developing habits around that into our daily behavioral, relational repertoire.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:05]:
Now, I mentioned that you have another resource called divorcing dads.org and I know that you created that not only for yourself, but for others that are going, that went through or are going through divorce and what they can do to be able to not only stay connected to their child, but be advocates for their child, etcetera, etcetera. And I know that divorce can bring a sense of failure or shame. When I’ve talked to dads that have gone through this in the past, that’s definitely the case. What’s the first mindset shift that you encourage fathers to make when they go through a separation?

Eran Magen [00:22:39]:
I think the very first act to do when going through a separation is to connect with support. Like you said, a lot of people are blocked because they feel ashamed of what’s happening, whether or not they Feel it’s their fault. They feel like this is a shameful thing and not to discuss or they don’t want to talk about it with other people. It’s very common. I agree. But to connect with support is step one. Step one is not to eliminate the shame or remove the shame. That can take a long time.

Eran Magen [00:23:01]:
Connect with support anyway, right? Just going to deal with the shame. You don’t have to change it right away. We do want to change it later on. But step one, by far the most important thing, connect with support. Friends, family, people who care about you, counseling, faith leaders, you know, a hotline, whatever it is. But just connect with somebody. Start getting support. Don’t, you know, sit alone in your dark home despairing.

Eran Magen [00:23:23]:
That road leads to very bad places. Just immediately reach out and connect with support.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:27]:
Now I know that in looking at your site you’ve said that co parenting is more like being co workers than ex lovers. How can dads adopt a more businesslike approach to parenting with an ex without sacrificing empathy or communication?

Eran Magen [00:23:44]:
There are many flavors of co parenting, you know, depending on how the separation and divorce happen. I know co parents who used to be be romantic partners. They have a very good relationship and it’s very easy and fluid and supportive and friendly and that’s wonderful. And I think that’s ideal. And sometimes that doesn’t happen, right? Sometimes there’s neutral at best relationships or sometimes there’s a lot of bitterness and hostility and stress. And still things need to happen, right? Decisions need to happen about the kids. Logistics do need to be coordinated one, one way or another. So what I’m going to say now, I’m referring to these more high tension in or more conflict ridden relationships.

Eran Magen [00:24:19]:
Not the super friendly. If it’s super friendly then, then great, be super friendly. You don’t need to force collegial relationship on a friendship. If there’s a friendship there, that’s ideal, that’s wonderful. But if there isn’t, how do we still communicate? So tension will rise as conflict rises. Anything we can do to reduce conflict, I think is worth doing. And you know what, I’ll take another little detour here. There’s this, I think myth floating around that kids are hurt by divorce.

Eran Magen [00:24:40]:
The divorce is bad for kids. That’s not the case. What’s bad for kids is being exposed to parental conflict whether or not the parents are married or divorced. And you can see this easily in very bad relationships where people stay together. The kids have a very difficult time and will carry that difficult time for a long time and divorces that are friendly and cooperative and work well, the kids are doing fine later on, it’s so important to insulate the kids from parental conflict. So ideally reduce conflict and at any rate insulate the kids from the conflict. And so first principle is whatever we can do to reduce conflict, we should. And if we’re able to discuss it with the other parent in advance, things that we disagree on but can agree on, on solutions that work for everybody, great.

Eran Magen [00:25:18]:
If we can’t do it on our own, go to a mediator, work on that, go to a co parenting coach or counseling or something like that. These things exist and work and are well worth it in terms of treating the parent as a colleague. Create boundaries, Create boundaries that work for you and ideally work for the other parent as well. But certainly they have to work for you. Whatever makes you feel safe physically, emotionally, relationally is fair game. You can ask, please don’t contact me during these and these hours unless it’s an emergency or you can say, let’s limit our communication to email. Email, I’d rather not talk on phone or it’s too spontaneous or make up a reason or whatever you need. Right? But if it’s too activating for you to talk with the other parent or you get kind of sucked into conflict this way, then find communication methods that do work for you and respect the wishes of the other parent about this.

Eran Magen [00:26:02]:
Right. Because the goal is to reduce tension. There’s so much stuff that can easily activate either parent and so find ways to communicate that cause the least amount of activation for the other parent. And the other is like in a work setting, just have very clear delineation. Here are the to do on items. Here’s what you’re going to do. Here’s what I’m going to do. Is this correct? Just assume nothing, make it super, super clear what’s going to happen.

Eran Magen [00:26:26]:
And lastly, if the other parent is acting in ways that are upsetting to you or uncomfortable to you as you’re trying to do something for your child, just do your best to put aside, ignore the emotional layer of the communication. Focus on the logistical so you can do that. Just like if you had an annoying co worker and there was nothing you could do about it because you tried fixing it and the language didn’t change and you went to HR and they don’t care and they’re like, well, well they’re technically within the balance of whatever and so you can’t change their behavior. But focus on the actual specifics that need to happen in Order to make sure you’re taking care of your kid. And remember that this person is no longer your anything other than the parent of your children. Right. I think it’s a very helpful semantic switch to go from my ex to my kid’s mom because it’s actually true. That is the function of the person in your life right now.

Eran Magen [00:27:12]:
And I think it helps us remember also that this person is actually very important. Important. And we need to treat that person with the right level of respect and consideration because our kids need their mom. It’s like they need their dad. And it reminds us to just tread a little more lightly because we don’t want to actually hurt our kid’s mom or distance our kid’s mom. The kids need their mom. We just need to figure out how to coordinate.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:34]:
Some fathers worry about becoming less present or connected after a divorce. What can they do to maintain a strong bond with their kids, even if custody time is limited?

Eran Magen [00:27:45]:
Feminine There are a few things to do and I’ll say them in no particular order. One is work to have more time with the kids. It can happen through discussion and agreement or it can happen through legal action. But don’t give up on having more time with your kids. That’s really important because it’s very easy to perceive a societal message that says there’s no reason for you to have more time with your kids or of course they should be spending more time with their mom. It’s kind of a societal default at this point and you don’t have to accept the default default. And it’s okay for you to want to and act to have more time. So again, first and foremost, express your wishes clearly.

Eran Magen [00:28:19]:
And if your wishes can’t be met, if you’re not able to see them as much as you would like, consider pursuing them possibly through legal action. That’s a possibility. Consult with a lawyer and see what can happen. Or at least I mean start with mediation and then ideally go to non adversary legal representation, which is a whole thing that I wasn’t aware of before, where it’s a lawyer who, who signs an agreement with you in advance to never represent you in court. And so they’re incentivized to keep you out of court because if you go to court, you stop working with that lawyer. So the incentives become aligned through that kind of practice. So if you and your kid’s mom can get with a non adversarial practice, that’s a huge win. And if necessary, yes, go to court, of course.

Eran Magen [00:28:54]:
But step one, make your wishes known. Step two, argue and work to actualize your wishes. Having said this, in the meantime, what do you do in terms of connecting with your kids? One really important thing to remember is that, that it’s extremely hard for kids to become disconnected from their parents. There are many kids, I’m sure that all of us know, and maybe some of us have been, who see their dad once a week, twice a month, once a month, three times a year. And still as kids had this sense of like, this is my dad and it’s exciting, I’m going to go see my dad. Where, you know, as the dad in the story, you’re like, this is horrible. I’m never seeing my kids and I don’t know what’s going on with them. But the kids remain very connected to their parents.

Eran Magen [00:29:31]:
It takes a lot to disconnect, connect the kid from the parent. And so fear less, have less fear about your kids becoming estranged from you. Again, do what you can to have more time. But, but it’s unlikely your kids will stop thinking about you as their dad or as their parent and want to connect with you. So that’s, number one, just kind of reduce intensity internally. Number two, during the times that you do have together, be a hundred percent present, especially if you don’t have a lot of time together, 100% present, zero distractions, block everything off. It’s, it’s amazing what the impact of this kind of quality time is. And if you look around at friends who have access to their kids all the time, you may discover that they have a lot less quality time with their kids than you do because they’re not as focused, they kind of take it for granted.

Eran Magen [00:30:12]:
And you can build an amazing relationship off of a handful of times a week for a relatively short amount of time. If you’re 100% focused and present on the relationship, you don’t need to do crazy stuff. You don’t need to constantly bombard them with gifts. You do not need to play catch up with the things that they do with the other parent or compete on gifts and excitingness and whatnot. Just focus on being the best father you can be while you’re with them. It’ll take you such a long way and they will stay connected to you. Just be present, Just use that time that you have well.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:30:46]:
You also provide scripts and guidance for difficult conversations. What’s a good way for a dad to explain the divorce to his child in an age appropriate, supportive way?

Eran Magen [00:30:57]:
So back to first principles. It’s really important to insulate kids from parental conflict. Exposing Kids to parental conflict and parental animosity is just very bad for the kids. The kids are strongly connected to both parents. They can’t help it. Asking them to acknowledge that you’re upset or hurt or, you know, what have you, it is tearing them apart. It’s just so damaging. And so leaving that part out, I think is very important.

Eran Magen [00:31:23]:
Maybe that’s something you talk about with them when they’re 30. It’ll still hurt when they’re 30, but by then they will have figured some of it out. But leave out the hurt and the nastiness. And I would say talk in terms of friendship. Talk in terms of, we were such good friends for a long time, you know, and we lived together and we had you and we had your sister, and we were so happy in doing this. And at some point, and then whatever the actual story is, I think it’s fair to say maybe it was your decision, maybe it was Mom’s decision, maybe it was a mutual decision. But you could say, like, you know, at some point we realized that we don’t want to live together anymore. We want to live separately.

Eran Magen [00:31:53]:
And we, of course, continue to be our parents. And that’s a point to keep emphasizing. Right? We both love you so much, and you. You are so important to us. But we didn’t want to continue living together. We decided to go more or less our separate ways, but to continue to be your parents and make sure that we’re taking care of you and all of this and kind of present it fairly lightly. I wouldn’t say nonchalantly. It’s not like, I mean, unless that’s the model of relationships you want your kid to have in their head, if that’s how you’re thinking about it.

Eran Magen [00:32:18]:
But for me, personally, I don’t want to present it as, oh, yeah, you know, we were super committed to each other and lived together and then decided not to. And, you know, we’ll see what happens, happens next. Like, it’s a big thing. Maybe it’s a big, important decision, and it’s okay to say it was. It was sad for us or it was hard to figure out how to continue from there. But, you know, we knew all the time that the most important thing is to take care of you, blah, blah, blah. And I think that about covers it. So just kind of sanitize it a little bit in terms of conflict.

Eran Magen [00:32:41]:
Sanitize the conflict out of it. Explain that you reached a decision that was ultimately mutual. Right. Even if, let’s say it was. It was Mom’s idea And you really didn’t like it. Eventually you agreed to the separation, obviously. Right. You’re not camping out under mom’s bed against her wishes.

Eran Magen [00:32:55]:
Like you agreed at some point that this needs to happen. Sanitize the conflict. Emphasize that was a mutual decision. Emphasize repeatedly that you are committed to your kids, that they’re important to you, that you love them, that you want to do the right thing for them always. And that’s about it. You don’t need to dwell on it an enormous amount. Kids, especially when they’re younger, up until, I don’t know, maybe nine or so, are so amazingly self centered. They don’t dwell too much on like your experience of things.

Eran Magen [00:33:20]:
It doesn’t really matter to them. They just need a story that makes sense to them, to them. And I think that version of the story is reasonable that you tell them later on as they get older. If they want more detail, maybe you can share. But I would encourage everybody to not disparage the other parent ever again and not start kind of hearing the kid in both directions or say things that are can be upsetting about the other parent. And if you hit a point where the kid asks a question, which they will at some point about the other parents motivation or about the other parent’s thinking or about why would the parent do this thing? The answer is, you know, I really don’t totally understand it myself, but I respect your mom’s wishes or you know, her choices. And I don’t have a better answer that sometimes people do things that we don’t understand completely, but they still get to make the choices that they make and leave it at that. If the kid wants to go talk to the other parent about it, fine.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:07]:
We always finish our interviews with what I like to call the dad connection six where six more questions to delve into you a little bit deeper as a dad. Are you ready?

Eran Magen [00:34:16]:
I am ready.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:17]:
What’s one word that describes your relationship with your son?

Eran Magen [00:34:20]:
Joyful.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:20]:
What’s the best piece of dad advice you’ve ever received?

Eran Magen [00:34:24]:
I’ll give you a twofer actually. As I was going through the separation process and I was very worried about my son becoming essentially estranged from me because I didn’t see him a lot the first few years and a friend taught me to ask two questions whenever I start kind of spinning out. One is how’s my son doing? And the other is how’s my connection with my son? And as long as the answer is good and good, then there’s nothing to worry about. Sure. I might want to See him more. Sure, I might worry about what will happen in the future, but right now, he’s well, he’s taken care of. He’s fine. And my connection with him is great.

Eran Magen [00:34:50]:
And so the problem is more in my head than in the world. So learning to ask these two questions, specifically, going through a divorce or separation, how’s my son doing? How’s my connection with my son?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:59]:
What’s one activity you and your son love doing together?

Eran Magen [00:35:02]:
There’s so many. I’m gonna have to go with wrestling. I’ve been doing jiu jitsu for many years now, and I love it. And I’m very careful not to sort of impose it on my son, but I would say at least every other day, he’ll sort of tackle me to the ground and then start climbing on me and kind of shriek and enjoy himself. And it’s just super fun. It’s so physical. It’s not violent. Like, we’re very gentle with each other.

Eran Magen [00:35:21]:
There’s so much physical contact that happens that’s really fun. Sometimes it’ll stop and ask a technical question, and then I feel good about being able to explain something, but it’s. We’re just messing around most of the time, so just kind of rolling around on the carpet or the beanbag. It’s just super fun.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:35:33]:
If you could give your son one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?

Eran Magen [00:35:38]:
I think about this a lot. One life lesson, one advice for life that I would give my son. Son feels so momentous. A message that I often convey to him is, you can learn anything. You can become great at anything if you’re willing to put in the work.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:35:53]:
Finally, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their kids?

Eran Magen [00:36:02]:
Have focused, present fun with your kids, starting now, and never stop. It’s not a later thing. Just right now, start having the relationship you want to have all the time.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:36:11]:
Well, Aran, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being here today, for sharing your journey as a father, but also the resources that you have created. If people want to find out more about you, where should they go?

Eran Magen [00:36:22]:
Well, first of all, thank you for your very thoughtful questions and responses. I really appreciate it. Like, it’s clear that you’re so connected and interested and thoughtful about it. It’s really. It’s such a pleasure to get to think about my own parenting this way to learn about me. I. Yeah, the two places would be either parenting for humans.com that you mentioned or divorcing dads.com that you mentioned then I’m very easy to find and contact through these places.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:36:46]:
Well, again, Aran, thank you. Thank you for being here today and for sharing this and I wish you all the best.

Eran Magen [00:36:53]:
Likewise. Thank you so much.

Harmony at Home: Dustin Lolli on Fatherhood, Faith, and Family

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On the latest episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection podcast, Dr. Christopher Lewis sits down with Dustin Lolli, lead singer of the band Sanctus Real, for a candid conversation about what it really means to be a present, engaged dad—especially to daughters at two very different life stages. Throughout the episode, listeners are treated to heartfelt stories, honest admissions of “mistakes,” and practical wisdom on raising confident, independent daughters.

Fatherhood Across Generations

Dustin shares the unique experience of being a father to both a 21-year-old and a 5-year-old daughter. He reflects on the surprises and joys of meeting each child exactly where they are—from encouraging an early love of art and animals in his oldest, to discovering what makes his youngest “tick.” The message is clear: there’s no manual, and every child truly is unique. What matters most is the willingness to stay curious, adaptable, and humble.

Fostering Independence & Stability

One powerful theme is the delicate balance between guidance and independence. As Dustin describes, the journey is a “push and pull”—supporting his daughters as they take chances, make mistakes, and hone their passions, while also providing a secure foundation they can always come home to. He espouses the importance of loving consistency over quick fixes, and of letting kids know that stability and support are always present, even as they navigate their own paths.

Music, Family, and Finding Passion

Music runs deep in the Lolli family, but Dustin is quick to note that he and his wife encourage their children to find their own unique passions, not simply follow in their footsteps. An especially touching moment is Dustin’s retelling of recording “Confidence” as a duet with his daughter Arden—not because she wanted the spotlight, but because it was a special moment to connect and create together.

Faith, Hope, and Real-World Parenting

With faith at the center of his message, Dustin brings a sense of hopefulness to the challenges of raising kids today, especially when it comes to social media and comparison culture. He emphasizes leading with love, authenticity, and an understanding that parenting is about the child’s needs, not the parent’s expectations.

Why You Should Listen

This episode isn’t just for dads; it’s for anyone who values deep family connections, honest conversations, and real-life stories about learning, loving, and growing together. Tune in to hear Dustin’s thoughtful insights and be inspired to show up as the parent your children need—flaws, questions, and all.

Ready to be inspired? Listen to the full episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection—you’ll come away with wisdom to last a lifetime.

If you enjoyed this episode we ask you to take a moment to take our Dad and Daughter Connection Survey to let us know more about you as a dad. You can also sign up to get our newsletter to stay connected to our community and we will send items of interest to you to help you to be the dad that you want to be. Feel free to follow me on the following social media platforms: Facebook, Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, X.

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
If you’re looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’re in the right place. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we’ll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let’s get started. Because being a great dad isn’t just about being there. It’s about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:54]:
I am so excited that you’re back with us again this week. As always, every week, I love being on this journey with you and I call it a journey because the connections that we want to build with our daughters happen daily. But we have to do what we can to learn, to grow, to build stronger connections. And it’s not always going to be easy. There’s going to be some bumps in the road. You got to be willing to go for the long run, go in for the long haul and make sure that you know that you can ask for help, you can learn from others, and that’s what this podcast is all about. Every week I love being able to bring you different people with different experiences that are fathering in different ways, are building those connections in different ways, but they are learning along with their daughters as well, and that is so important. This week we got another great guest.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:50]:
Dustin Lally is with us and Dustin is the lead singer of Sanctus Real, a band. If you’ve never heard of it, I’m going to say Google it, but I’ll have a link in the notes today. But definitely it is a band that’s been around for over 30 years. Amazing music. We’re going to talk a little bit about his music as well, but he’s a father of four and he’s got two daughters. He’s got a 21 year old daughter and a five year old daughter. So we got both ends of the spectrum and we’re going to talk about that journey that he’s been on to be able to build those strong connections with his own daughter. And I’m really excited to have him here today.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:23]:
Dustin, thanks so much for being here.

Dustin Lolli [00:02:24]:
Well, thanks for having me. This is great.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:27]:
Well, I’m really excited to have you here. And as I said, building those relationships takes time. It takes effort. And you know, I think as you think about both your daughters and as I said, they’re at two ends of the spectrum in regards to where they are in life. What’s one of the most meaningful moments that you’ve been able to share with your daughters and what made it so special?

Dustin Lolli [00:02:51]:
I think I’ve always had, you know, our oldest daughter is a firstborn. So the first four years she was just with us. And so there’s, there was a lot of connecting time there, right? Like, and I was young, I mean, I was 21 when we got married. My wife got pregnant three months after we got married. So her birthday is two days from our first year anniversary. So I was a kid, right? Like having a child and not only having a child, having a girl child for a 21 year old boy, you know that you have these, these moments and I, I just, I just fell in love immediately. But you have so much, Obviously when you’re 21, you really have so much to learn. And I think what I noticed first off, like one of the first meaningful moments where I was like, okay, this is a unique child, like a unique person, right? This isn’t, I don’t know what it is.

Dustin Lolli [00:03:40]:
When you’re young, you’re like, everything is going to fit into almost like a movie. You’re right, like you, you’re making the steps of your life and then the first plot twist happens and it’s like, oh, I gotta deal with this. But my daughter, from an early age, she loved to go out and draw. And it was like amazing at an early age. And she had a great vocabulary. She’d be talking early and one day she’s drawing and she drew a shark and a seal and the shark was eating the seal and she drew blood everywhere. This is a girl, a little baby girl. She’s like 4 years old and I’m 5 years old maybe and, and I’m like, what is that? And she said she was watching the Discovery Channel and saw Shark Week, right? I remember this feeling of like, this is a sweet baby girl, but she also loves, loves this other nature and animals and art.

Dustin Lolli [00:04:31]:
And it was, I know it doesn’t sound like much, but for me I was sitting there going, I’ve got a lot to learn about this and helping her see these things. And I loved it. But you’re looking at it from a perspective of, I thought it was going to be this sweet, dainty little thing. And here she’s drawing blood coming out of a seal, right? Like, oh. And she still Works with animals, right? This is. She’s had this love for animals, and she was like, just real little, and she. Now she works with dogs, and she works and she draws, and it’s amazing. So that little moment with just me and we’re looking at this thing, I was like, okay, this.

Dustin Lolli [00:05:04]:
I got a lot to learn about my own daughter. And so we started doing things more with animals. And, like, she started learning about animals, and we took her to. She has a really great picture where they had a live wolf. She got to take pictures, like, actual pictures with the wolf. And so just those moments to start with her were just. I found her loves, right? Her interests and her mom. We just found what she loved, and we really are.

Dustin Lolli [00:05:29]:
What we really wanted to do from the beginning was. Was encourage her to do the things that she loved. And part of our. Even our schooling that we gave her was art, and we wanted her to learn with passion. That moment, though, stands out because it was like a turning point for me, right? Like, I was like, okay, I gotta change my thinking to, this is a real human being. This isn’t. This isn’t just out of a movie. This is a girl who’ to develop and develop her own passions and develop her own things.

Dustin Lolli [00:05:55]:
And I’m a guy, and I have no idea what any of that looks like.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:58]:
So now you also have a daughter that’s five and two other kids along with your other daughter. So I guess now with having a daughter at the other end of the spectrum, and you have an adult daughter now, how are you taking what you learned from your firstborn in building that relationship with your youngest as well?

Dustin Lolli [00:06:23]:
It’s funny because I think it’s two things psychologically. It’s not just, hey, I get to learn from her. It’s that I’m older anyway. Like, I see the world differently. There’s a lot of experience with having four, and they’re all very distinct personalities and different people. And so I think for me, it’s. It’s not just, hey, thinking back to how my oldest name is Arden. It’s not just thinking back to that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:45]:
It’s.

Dustin Lolli [00:06:45]:
It’s kind of taking the sum of all of this experience and going, what this girl? And of course, she’s in a different place again because my youngest, her next closest sibling, is 14, so she’s kind of an only child at this age, too. So we’re looking at it from a perspective again of we want her to be healthy emotionally, we want her to be healthy mentally. And there are so many things now in Life that will from screens and to all of this stuff that are going to try to take some of that away from her that we’re learning and we’re doing our best to have a balanced, balanced life. And we learned that with Arden. The problem with Arden was, you know, you have these kids who are easy. And I thought I was a great parent with her because she was intelligent early on, she was emotionally very chill. And of course there was always something she wasn’t perfect. But I always thought, man, I must be a good parent.

Dustin Lolli [00:07:39]:
And then the next ones come along and it’s, you know, they’re boys, so they’re different. But even so, you’re like, okay, maybe every kid is unique and different. And I think that kind of experience or now it’s like we’re looking at our, our youngest and she is full of life, the baby to a T. She is loud and fun and dramatic and all of these things. And I think for us, in a lot of ways it’s like every child of ours has been different and unique and our job is to love them the best way that we know how. And we’ve learned that with our other kids. There’s no formula to it. There’s no point A to point B.

Dustin Lolli [00:08:14]:
If you do this, this, this and this, it’s going to be perfect. Because all our kids have different genetic makeup. And I don’t mean like mother, dad, I just mean like they were born different, they think differently, they feel differently. And so as a parent, especially with this one, we’re just trying to find, okay, what makes her tick and what makes her thrive. And she is the most fun little five year old you’ll ever come across. It’s incredible.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:37]:
You mentioned the fact that some of the things that you did with Arden to help her to real of the passions that she had. And I guess as you think about in raising her to where she is today, how did you balance guiding her while also giving her the independence to becoming her own person?

Dustin Lolli [00:08:58]:
I think probably a lot of mistakes, you know. No, it’s a great question. I think it’s still a question that’s in process for us. I mean, she’s 21. Even now you’re like, you still want to protect, but then you also know you can’t, you have to let go in a lot of ways. She just came to us and she wants to go to Ireland with a group and she’d have to fly by herself. And the dad and me is like, oh, I don’t know. And then you go, but she’s 21, and we’ve never really tried to keep her from anything.

Dustin Lolli [00:09:27]:
But as a dad, there’s this safety thing, which there’s all of these things that you’re like, I’m supposed to protect her. I’m supposed to do all this. So as they get older, that with a girl is so much harder to let go of. Like my boys, I’m like, whatever, just go, man up, do the thing. Which good or not, it’s just a natural process. I don’t even think of it other than it’s a natural thing. I would have wanted my dad to do that when I was 18, like, go mess up a few times. But the girl, that’s hard because however, genetically we’re inclined to be this way.

Dustin Lolli [00:09:56]:
So my wife helps a lot with that. You know, we have a very balanced relationship. She is a girl, and I know this is dad. Daughter is hard because you don’t understand, like, what they feel, what she’s going through. And so I rely on her a lot for a lot of the emotional things. And I hope we’ve always tried to make a good team with it, but I think you have to over. Over the. From the time she’s been 16 and on, it has been a tug of war and a push and pull of Arden, you have to prepare for the future.

Dustin Lolli [00:10:25]:
You have to do the things it takes to be a successful person without mom and dad, while at the same time saying, arden, we are your safety net right now. You can make mistakes. You have a stable home, you have a stable place. And if you go out there and fail, even now, we tell her this all the time. This is your time to take chances. This is your time to go seek out this art, go do this thing and build your future. But just know that if it doesn’t work out, you have a stable landing ground right now. And so it is.

Dustin Lolli [00:10:56]:
It’s a push and pull of like, we’re here, stability’s here. But because you have a foundation, you can go take risks, you can go do those things, and we’re all for it, and we’ll support you in anything. Obviously, I’m in music. My daughter has a great voice. She’s beautiful voice, but she doesn’t want to sing. And so it’s like those balancing moments where you’re like, I can offer you these opportunities because of what I do. And she’s saying, but that’s not my heart. Those are the things we work through, and those are the things, okay, so what is your passion? What do you want to do.

Dustin Lolli [00:11:24]:
And it’s a tug of war always inside of me now.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:26]:
You talked about, and you kind of joked about it, that you probably made some mistakes. And all of us make mistakes. I mean, we are not perfect. There’s no manual to how you raise a kid. And I guess as you think about those mistakes, what’s a mistake that you made as a father and what did it. What did you learn from it about fostering positive communication?

Dustin Lolli [00:11:49]:
I use the word mistake. I kind of did say it as a joke. I think sometimes I look at people and say, you only know when you made a mistake because we know what the right thing was. And so it’s our weight, it’s our judge. So the truth is, I don’t know how many mistakes I’ve made because I don’t know always what the right thing was. So you’re just doing your best. And so you look back and go, maybe if I had done it this way, it would have gone better. But hindsight’s 20 20.

Dustin Lolli [00:12:13]:
It’s hard to deal with that. You just learn to grow from it. With my daughter, you think of girls and you think of emotions. You think of it. My daughter is a very stable, quiet, emotional person. She feels things strongly, but she doesn’t always show them. And as a guy, you have these stereotypical wrong things. This is part of.

Dustin Lolli [00:12:31]:
As a young man, you have a daughter and you realize, okay, she’s not a stereotype. She’s a person. And she has her feelings, but she also has strong here. And I think without taking the time and having the humility to learn what it is that makes her tick, you can just jump the gun on stuff, and you can just plow right into things and go, oh, well, honey, let me tell you how to do this. And I think there were a lot of times where I thought I knew what was right for her, and I thought I knew if I gave her this advice and she did it, but. But after the fact, I go, if she were me, that might have worked, but she’s not me. And so in a lot of ways, parenting to me is. There’s a checklist for parenting, and I think it’s good, but for me, it doesn’t work.

Dustin Lolli [00:13:11]:
Parenting to me is loving your kids the best way possible. And that might be being tough on one at some point and being less tough on another at some point, but it’s knowing them, and if you know them well enough, you know how to love them well. And I think the biggest mistakes that I made, I think, were a lot of Times where I was more interested in giving them advice based on my opinion than based on where they were or what her needs were in the time I, like, wanted to be right rather than I wanted to help her. And so I don’t think my motive early on as a dad, sometimes I was just doing the best I could. If I had a chance to talk to me, then I would say, you’re doing the best you can, but you’re doing the best you can for yourself instead of the best you can for your family or for your daughter. There’s a lot in there. I could nuance that all day long. I could unpack that all day long.

Dustin Lolli [00:13:56]:
But I don’t always love the word mistakes because I think we create the baseline to judge on now, obviously, for breaking the law or something, but we’re creating this baseline of like, well, this is the right thing and if we didn’t do it, then you’re a failure or it’s a mistake. And parenting, I mean, everything might be a mistake because you could probably do everything better at some point.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:14]:
You hit the nail on the head there. I think that everybody will second guess, and we are innately programmed to second guess and say, have I done that right? And as men, I’ve talked about this before, so many men are programmed to be fixers. We walk into a situation, we don’t always listen, we don’t always hear what our daughters are telling us, but we come in and think, oh, I can fix this. And that’s not always what they need. And so one of the best things that someone ever told me, and it was kind of too late for me at the time, but was when you go into a conversation with your daughters, you should let them have the ability to say whether the conversation is a listening or a fixing conversation. Because if it is a listening conversation, you need to turn that part of your brain off that says, I’m trying to fix this for you, and you need to let them struggle with it and just talk through it. But if they say, no, this is a fixing conversation, then you can turn that right back on and truly give them the advice that you’re prone to give for your daughters. What’s one way that you show your daughters that they can always count on you?

Dustin Lolli [00:15:21]:
I think that’s an earned thing over time. I don’t know if there’s one action. I think being there over the years, you know, I would say my 21 year old, it’s just consistency. I think there’s no one action when she’s been through hard times, you just, you’re there. When she’s having her great times, you’re there. I love to be able to just tell people, hey, if you do this, it’s going to be great. The thing is, your listeners don’t even know my family life. I could be the worst dad in the world, pretending here.

Dustin Lolli [00:15:48]:
And that’s okay. To me, life in and of itself is this flow thing where a lot of people love to have step by step things. And I think trust is earned over time, even with your kids. I think love is a daily thing where you’re choosing somebody above yourself, especially your kids. And I think you can’t be a good parent unless you go into parenting thinking, I’m going to give something up for my children. And I’ve learned that over the years. And I think I do have a wonderful family life and I do have great kids and. But I think they would even tell you that there’s never been a moment.

Dustin Lolli [00:16:21]:
It’s just, it’s earned. Over the years, from when she was little, she learned that mom and dad were going to be there and they were going to be our priority. Now, I will say this. One of our early things we decided as a couple was we weren’t going to change our lives for our kids. We were going to include our kids in our lives. And so our kids have always had a semblance of this is what mom and dad do and we’re a part of it. I’ve seen a lot of families, they have a child and suddenly their entire life changes. They don’t see friends anym, they don’t go out anymore.

Dustin Lolli [00:16:52]:
The kids on a 7pm bedtime. And that can’t be deviated from. We didn’t do any of that. Now whether that’s psychologically right or wrong, we didn’t do any of that. We said, okay, we’re going to include our baby girl in everything that we do. And so she would come out to eat with us and we were involved in a lot of ministry stuff. So she would go to all of this stuff and sometimes she’d stay up late. And so.

Dustin Lolli [00:17:14]:
And the reason why I say that is because in a lot of ways our kids, instead of just being the center of attention, they were a part of a family. Arden wasn’t a only child. And when she thought, oh, I get everything, she knew she was going to go with mom and dad to everything. She was a part of it. And that was a healthy thing. So answering your question, I think the lifestyle choices and the day to Day. Consistency, love, consistency is what really for, I think, developed our relationship. So it kept it strong when she went to teenage years.

Dustin Lolli [00:17:46]:
And here’s the other thing. My daughter was such a good child. I would have these people say to me all the time, I mean, this became a just wait till she’s a teenage. You think you got it good now, but just wait till she’s a teenager. They all fall off the road. She’s a girl. And you know what? I. My wife and I used to look at each other and be like, that doesn’t mean that’s going to happen to Arda.

Dustin Lolli [00:18:05]:
And you know what? It never did. She’s always been a consistent. I mean, it’s been amazing. She’s been the easiest child and, you know, a lot of that’s her own thing. But I like to think some of that’s just the stability and the fact that she’s gone every day knowing how loved she really is. So one moment I couldn’t tell you. I think it’s a collection and an earning of trust over the years and just the stability and a consistency that it takes unselfish love to get there.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:18:32]:
Now, I mentioned at the beginning that you are the lead singer with Sanctus Real. And one of the questions that I had for you because I know that a little while back you. There is a song called Confidence, and it’s a powerful song that definitely resonated with many of your fans. More recently, you released an acoustic version of it with your daughter Arden. And what inspired you to create that rendition? And how did involving Arden deepen your connection to the song and the message?

Dustin Lolli [00:19:03]:
Well, it’s crazy because my daughter was 14 years old when we first had her sing on it. And it went something like this. We were doing a radio event and we were making a video and we wanted kids to sing originally instead of me on this video that we were making for this radio event. And the only kid in the room was arden. She was 14. We said, hey, Arden, can you come sing? I had never heard her sing for real. She did not sing out loud. I didn’t know if she could sing.

Dustin Lolli [00:19:29]:
It’s kind of crazy. My wife will tell you, like, she just would shy away from singing. But my baby boy, Ian, who was little at the time, he would have been. He would have been like five, would tell us that he wanted Arden to sing him to sleep at night because she had a voice like an angel, which we never heard. So I said, arden, can you sing this? She so didn’t want to sing it. We have this video of her singing it. She’s got a hoodie on and her, she’s like slouched over, over. But when she’s saying this sound came out.

Dustin Lolli [00:19:58]:
And I remember our guitar player Chris looking at me like, whoa, what is happening? So instead of having kids, we just had her voice on it. 14 year old Arden, and we play this radio event, and there’s 70 of the biggest radio stations in the country for Christian music in this room. And this video comes on, right? And this voice. And after it was over, I get people coming to us asking who the girl was that sang our song. And they’re handing me business cards. And she got record offers at 14, like, hey, when she’s ready, let me know. And I’m like, she doesn’t even sing. Like, she’s never sang in front of people or anything.

Dustin Lolli [00:20:36]:
And so that’s where it started at this thing. That’s not what you heard. That was like the first time she’s saying this in front of people. But she doesn’t love the stage. She doesn’t love what she sees as. I don’t think that’s what I want to do. But there was always this connection to this song through that. And then when we were deciding to do this acoustic version and I was like, baby girl, people love that.

Dustin Lolli [00:20:57]:
And I would love to do a duet. Like, so could this just be the one time you do it right? And she agreed to it and we did a video of it and it, you know, it’s funny because we put that out and we still get people in comments who are like, who’s this Arden artist? Where do I find her music? How do I listen to her? I’m like, that’s it? That’s all you got? But I love, you know, she still sings around the. I mean, her voice is special. And this is one of those things as a dad where you’re like, I’m hoping that at some point she goes, I love to sing. I want to do this. And then I could bring her into so much more. But until then, I just got this one special moment with her, and it is special. And I, you know, again, I’m always like, your first time singing on video and you might have a half a million views, it’s your only video you’ve ever done, you’re pretty successful, you should probably do it again.

Dustin Lolli [00:21:48]:
So we’re still working on it. I’m gonna get her back on there. My other daughter, by the way, you won’t have a problem. She’ll probably want to sing on. So she’s five and she has no fear and no, she wants the stage. So that should be fun.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:00]:
I know that you as being the lead singer of this band, your band is definitely touring. You’re spending a lot of time on the road. How do you navigate the balance between touring with Sanctus Real and being present in your children’s daily lives?

Dustin Lolli [00:22:17]:
I have four our guitar players for there’s three of us that, that are the band and we have 11 kids between us and we’ve all been married a good amount of time. Healthy, healthy marriages, healthy relationships. You don’t do this, you don’t do what we do in a healthy way unless your family are your partners in it. And one of the things about being around for as long as we are, we can control our touring. And so there are seasons where we’re gone quite a bit. But I always tell people this, I always say we’re actually home more than most people. Most people have have nine to five jobs, they’re gone or more. They’re gone eight, 10 hours a day and then they come home and they’re tired and they’re worn out and you know, it’s hard.

Dustin Lolli [00:22:57]:
That’s hard. And I don’t ever want anyone ever. People ask us how we do it and I’m always like, I watch my dad get up at 4 in the morning for 30 years and work and be exhausted. I have a great life and a great job. And yes, it’s, it’s challenging sometimes it is, but every job is. So when I come home, here’s why I say that is when we’re home or home, I write songs for people. So I might go for a couple hours a day here and there. But when I come home, unlike most jobs, I’m home.

Dustin Lolli [00:23:23]:
I don’t have anything else to do, I’m home. And what we normally try to do is play three days a week and be home for. And some seasons we’ll have a bigger tour and we’ll be gone more but then we have a lot of time off so I might be home for a month straight. So it’s really just navigating these seasons and, and my wife gets used to it, she has a rhythm. When I’m gone, my older kids, it’s normal life. But dad’s here all the time. Time dad’s home, it gets to do stuff like I’ve helped coach my kids baseball team. It’s a little harder on the five year old and sometimes being home a lot is even harder for her because I’ll be home for a month and then I’m gone for two weeks.

Dustin Lolli [00:24:00]:
And she doesn’t know what to do with that because she got into a routine. But we work through all of that and she’s, you know, she’s actually been on the road now that we’re older too. My wife will come on the road sometimes and take her with like she’s been on the road with us a few times. So we try to include. We’re such a family based band now, now that our goal is to include our family. My son works for us, our drummer son works for us. So we do our best and our families are partners in what we do. They get it.

Dustin Lolli [00:24:27]:
It’s our jobs too. So dad has to have a job and we just try to include him as much as we can, like we did with Arden in that video. I mean, that’s part of that. We’re going to include our families. I think one of the coolest parts about what I do for a living is not just what I do, but talking about this thing is it’s actually had open doors for my kids in the future too. Like my one son plays guitar, loves it. I get to offer my kids something that I never had. And that’s an avenue in music if they want to.

Dustin Lolli [00:24:54]:
It’s connections in music if they want to. And so far they, they have, they want to jump in and so it’s great. So it works well for us because we’re very, very aware of it. Like our families are our number one priorities and we all know that. And so if you know that, then you’re going to build your tour around it, you’re going to build your career around it. And so we maintain that balance. We work really hard to keep that balance.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:25:17]:
You know, I know that a lot of your music touches on themes of faith and perseverance. How do you incorporate those themes into your parenting? And do your kids influence the messages you choose to convey through your songs?

Dustin Lolli [00:25:32]:
I think so. I think I am a big believer in hope. We are a Christian band in the sense of like, that’s our message of hope. And I look at the world today and just see a lot of people lacking, honestly, just hope. Regardless of what the situations, regardless of all the other stuff. It’s just we travel and we talk to people and you’re talking about our songs. And we hear so many stories about how our songs impact people because we try to put these messages of hope into them. But we also hear over and over again just the hopelessness that People deal with on a day to day basis.

Dustin Lolli [00:26:04]:
And that’s the world that we’re raising our kids in. Social media, this is comparison. And it’s all of these things that your kids are dealing with that I never had. This generation is dealing with things that even I never had to deal with, which is really, it’s like the first time that we are going to have to study something that’s never really been done, like kids and their screens and their social media. The influence of all of this information coming at us all the time. I tell my kids all the time, just turn your screens off for a week and you won’t even know what’s happening. And your world is so good and it feels so bad because you are being inundated with information constantly. And we need to know what’s going on out there.

Dustin Lolli [00:26:43]:
Again, this, this balance, but it does, it impacts a lot of what I write about, a lot of what I’m passionate about. I believe in doing the right thing in every situation as best as we can. I believe in love. I believe that, you know, I don’t think anybody’s a robot. And so therefore we come into situations with people and we prescribe methods of healing, but we’re also different. And so for me, even with my kids, it’s. I don’t ever want to get into the know it all way of saying, hey, this is how you fix it. Right? I think we’re all created differently.

Dustin Lolli [00:27:20]:
Different likes, different tastes, different intelligences, different things. And until we know what those things look like, it’s hard to even give advice to people to say, hey, do this thing. Because that advice could be dangerous for somebody who doesn’t think or feel the same way that you do. And so I take all that into account, you know, with my kids. And then even with our message, like how do we give a message to people that is, is hopeful and a blessing rather than painful and a curse, basically, right? And I think it’s my worldview. Like my worldview doesn’t change whether it’s looking at my kids or whether it’s looking at my career or whether it’s looking at our music, right? It’s, it’s my worldview. And for me, I’m a Christian, so my worldview comes from that. So it impacts every part of what I do and what I think.

Dustin Lolli [00:28:05]:
And if it didn’t, then I, it’d be hard to say this is who I am or this is what I believe. So I don’t separate those things. I don’t separate family from music or music from career. All of those things are made up from the worldview of that I believe love and loving people. Well, and you win. I think I’m a good dad, not because I know what I’m doing, but because I love my kids enough to try to steer them to what is healthy and whole and balanced and find that. And I think that that’s always worked for me through my whole life. I’ve always felt like the best things that have ever happened in my life are because I chose to do the right thing in the hardest moments.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:28:40]:
Now, I know you just mentioned a few minutes ago that your BO are interested in the music industry and they’ve shown interest in music and kind of the business side and playing as well. Sometimes, you know, with artists and families, sometimes people would say, stay away from it. I’ve dealt with this. I’ve been this don’t do what I’ve done. You kind of said, you know, I’m going to help them. I’m going to do what I can to be able to do that. So how do you nurture their creativity while guiding them through the challenges that you’ve had in your own life in the industry?

Dustin Lolli [00:29:10]:
Industry awareness. I always say there’s two types of people in the music business. There’s the artist and there’s the people who make money from the artist. And you have to understand that. And I’m not even saying that’s necessarily a bad thing, that’s why it’s a music business. But when you are healthy and aware that this is what’s happening around you, you can create and do things and love what you do. But you also aren’t going to get heartbroken because somebody betrayed you. Even though what they really did was they chased the money.

Dustin Lolli [00:29:37]:
Money. Artists are just creative and ethereal and raw that we tend to take everything. Now, I’m not really that way, as you probably tell, but they tend to take everything personally or it just is a blow to their self esteem. But the reality is they’re not turning their back on you. They’re turning their face toward money. That’s usually what it is. If you can’t make them money, they’re going to go somewhere that can because that’s the business. Which is funny because I say that it sounds so bad, but I actually don’t think it’s that bad.

Dustin Lolli [00:30:04]:
I just think it’s the reality that we have to to deal with. And most people aren’t aware enough of it to do it in a healthy way. But my kids, that’s one of the beauties is that they’ve got somebody who’s going before them that can help them see and walk through that, because it is about staying in a healthy place. All we do is put sounds in the air and hope people like them. There’s nothing too artsy fartsy about me, and you probably never had anybody say that on your podcast, but to me, it’s like, this is what I do. This is what I’ve been blessed with, the gift to do, to be able to sing. And I try to instill that with my kids. Don’t get too, too arrogant about anything.

Dustin Lolli [00:30:35]:
This just happens to be the thing that you’re good at. And if you’re good enough at it, people will pay you to do it. And if you’re good enough to have people pay you to do it, then you’re good enough to have people try to take money from you to do it. And so you have to understand the way the world works around you and be healthy and whole. And just knowing that I’m there to help guide them through that is why I’m like, hey, if you love music and you want to do this for a living, it’s a great job. You just have to be aware of the pitfalls, that’s all.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:30:58]:
Now, I know that, that you and your wife Sarah perform together as a folk duo as well, and the group name is this Way Home. How has collaborating musically with Sarah impacted your family dynamics and your approach to parenting?

Dustin Lolli [00:31:12]:
It’s the best. It’s awesome. If you listen to those songs, those songs probably reflect our family life. These songs, let’s Get Old Together, they’re cute. Not trying to be cheesy, they’re just cute. These are how we treat each other and how we love each other and all that kind of stuff. And our kids have seen that, and they know our family life. And my daughter says, I love it because it’s real, it’s you, and it’s our way of kind of expressing.

Dustin Lolli [00:31:33]:
And Sarah’s great singer. We did it before the band, and we’re just now starting it back up again. And our kids love it because I think they see mom and dad at their most happy. But it is us. It’s how we are at home, our banter. And I think in a lot of ways, when people see that, they get an actual view of how we are at home, which everyone wonders. How people are at home. Well, that’s kind of how we are at home.

Dustin Lolli [00:31:55]:
I mean, our kids are. And, you know, our son played with us the last time we went out. So it’s again, more family based thing. So it’s my favorite thing. It’s folk music, it’s easy to write. It’s my side project that’s just my release. And it reflects, I mean, you hear the songs, it reflects our worldview, it reflects kind of our family and what our core is. So yeah, go check that out.

Dustin Lolli [00:32:16]:
I’d actually love when people check that out.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:32:18]:
We’ll definitely put a link over to it. And reflecting on your journey, what lessons from your own upbringing did you. You strive to pass on to your kids, both in life and through your music?

Dustin Lolli [00:32:31]:
A lot. My parents divorced when I was 3. My mom remarried, so I’ve had a stepdad and then my dad remarried. So my family is very scattered. It was hard, but it was probably the most healthy thing it could be in an unhealthy situation. But there was a lot of other things, so it wasn’t optimal. And I think part of that for me has always been I would never want my kids to go through that. So I wanted to break those chains of consistent.

Dustin Lolli [00:32:52]:
And so my kids, kids see even now in talking to me, they see, wow, Dad’s life was a lot different. They talked to me about my family life growing up. I love it. I have so many good memories, but it was very different. There was a lot of times where I’d be waiting, hoping my dad showed up to pick me up and whether or he just couldn’t do it. And I still remember the sadness. I had stepbrothers who went through a lot of hard stuff. And I watched it all and.

Dustin Lolli [00:33:16]:
And I think for me it was like. More than anything else in my life, I want to know that I gave my kids a chance, a stable chance. I want them to know that they can try to do crazy things. If they want to be musicians or they want to be artists, they can do it because they know that there’s a baseline of foundation that they can fall back into, take risks, do crazy things. That’s okay because you have a mom and dad who care enough and we’re there to support you through it all. And they’ve been healthy. I mean, it’s been good. But I think more than anything for me, I wanted my kids to have a stability that I never really had, that I never felt a dad, honestly.

Dustin Lolli [00:33:50]:
And I have a great dad. If he hears this, he’s great dad. But it’s different, right? It’s different. I didn’t ever want my kids to go through that kind of separation and that kind of fear that we went through when we were little. And even now, like I said, they see the difference. They see the dynamics. They see stories that I tell. And they’re old enough now to understand that it’s meaningful to have a mom and dad who have stayed together for 22 years and who show that they love each other every day.

Dustin Lolli [00:34:14]:
I mean, that’s meaningful. That’s something that is driven with my family life a lot. I just want my kids to see stability.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:20]:
We always finish our interviews with what I like to call the dad connect section. 6. So six more questions that delve a little bit more into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Dustin Lolli [00:34:28]:
Okay. Yeah.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:29]:
What’s one word that describes your relationship with your daughters?

Dustin Lolli [00:34:34]:
Eclectic. I wanted to say something easy, like healthy or stable, but I think my daughters love that we do creative things a lot and our conversations are eclectic on purpose and just. I think my oldest daughter would love that. I think she’d love that I just said the word eclectic.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:49]:
What’s the best piece of dad advice that you’ve ever received?

Dustin Lolli [00:34:54]:
Love your wife. Well, you’ll be a good dad if you love your wife. I think that was something that you don’t correlate when you’re young and getting, you know, you’re about to enter dadhood. But the stronger your relationship with your wife is, the stronger your relationship with your daughters is. That’s what I feel like. And I love that advice. And that may not work for everybody. You might have hard hardships, but that was for me.

Dustin Lolli [00:35:15]:
That was a big thing for me.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:35:16]:
What’s one activity that you and your daughters like doing together?

Dustin Lolli [00:35:20]:
My oldest one’s watching movies. Movies. We both love kung fu and we love just action movies, which is interesting. Again, she’s great, and so that’s something she always wants. If there’s a new martial arts movie out, she’ll just be like, dad, we got a new one. And we’ll sit down and watch and make jokes about it the whole movie. We talk all the time about various things. She loves video, and so she’s always.

Dustin Lolli [00:35:42]:
She wants to be a voice actor, which is great. She’s a cool voice. And so she’s always talking about arts. And since I’m in music, you know, I have some unique perspectives on what she loves the little one right now. I get to be the male doll in whatever game she’s formulating. Come, dad, let’s play. Here. I’ve got a boy doll here.

Dustin Lolli [00:35:59]:
It’s yours. Okay, thanks, baby. Then I just Watch her play. Basically, it’s great.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:36:03]:
If you could give your daughters one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?

Dustin Lolli [00:36:08]:
Oh, man. I would say take chances. Not security chances. As a dad, like, I don’t, but don’t be afraid to fail. Don’t be afraid to fail. And don’t. That’s always been the one thing I’ve said to my oldest daughter. A lot is just, just life is meant to be lived.

Dustin Lolli [00:36:22]:
So if you, the more balanced you are, the less fearful you are of taking a chance. So do that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:36:27]:
What’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself since becoming a dad?

Dustin Lolli [00:36:31]:
That I don’t know anything. And if I did, it’s not for the right reasons. And I think just as I’m getting older, motivation’s everything. Our motives and what, why we do what we do is more important than what we do in the first place. And I think early on it was like everything was I was doing was trying to prove that I was a good dad instead of actually trying to be a good dad dad. And so I, I think for that it’s just open. Have an open mind with your kids. They’re all different and they all respond differently.

Dustin Lolli [00:36:59]:
And as I’ve gotten older, I just realized the less I know, sometimes the better off I am.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:37:03]:
Finally, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build the lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Dustin Lolli [00:37:10]:
Love them. Well, I could come up with something like, real deep and be like, hey, do this checklist. But I just don’t think that works. Your daughters are your daughters and they are their own own unique people and personalities. And you have to know what makes. You have to know that. You have to get to know them well enough to know how to love them well. There has to be a connecting point on a human level.

Dustin Lolli [00:37:30]:
And it’s not just a dad daughter relationship. It’s you showing that you’re going to be there forever regardless. And that’s earned again, I think that’s earned over the course of years where you love them well, you treat them well, you support them well, you learn about them, you show interest in their interest, interests, and ultimately you just be the stable force that they need. And because ultimately it’s not about us. It’s not about us dads. I think the healthiest thing we can think about is it’s not about us in the relationship. It’s they’re the child. It’s about us supporting them.

Dustin Lolli [00:38:04]:
And so I think there has to be an unselfishness to it that A lot of us don’t want to give up. We don’t want to give up us. And you don’t have to give up all of you. But trust me when I say day, you’ll be happier when you start making it about your kid rather than about you. And you’ll find freedom in that. And so I would say to them, if you find yourself doing it because you want something, you need to change that. That’s. That’s where it needs a change.

Dustin Lolli [00:38:27]:
It can’t be about you. It has to be about her and has to be about her future and her relationship and her stability. And I promise you, when you do that, you’ll be rewarded as well. Like, not all sacrifice, you’ll be rewarded as well. Well, it’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:38:42]:
Well, Dustin, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for your time today, for sharing your own journey. If people want to find out more about you, about the band, where should they go?

Dustin Lolli [00:38:51]:
They can go to sanctusreal.com any of the social media things. We’re kind of everywhere. If you Google it, you’ll see all the links. Music’s on YouTube. It’s kind of everywhere. All you gotta do is look it up. This way home. Same thing.

Dustin Lolli [00:39:02]:
I mean, we’re on Spotify primarily. We don’t treat that as like this big thing that we’re promoting and all that kind of stuff. That’s kind of our own little thing. Thing. So, yeah, I just google it this way home and sanct this real well.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:39:14]:
Dustin, I truly appreciate your time today. Thank you for sharing everything that you’ve shared and I wish you all the best.

Dustin Lolli [00:39:20]:
I thank you. Appreciate it. You guys are great.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:39:22]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of the dad and daughter connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes@dadanddaughterconnection.com until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Outro Performer [00:39:53]:
We’re all in the same boat and it’s full of tiny, screaming past messengers. We spend the time, we give the lessons, we make the meals, we buy them presents and bring your A game. Cause those kids are growing fast the time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world you down Be the best dad you can be Be the best dad you can.

Car Ride Conversations: Turning Drive Time into Bonding Time

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Hey dads, welcome back to Dad Connections in 5—the podcast where in just five minutes, you get simple, meaningful ideas to help build a stronger connection with your daughter. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today we’re hitting the road—literally.

Let’s talk about how those everyday car rides—school drop-offs, errands, sports practice—can become some of the best bonding moments you’ll ever have.

You don’t need a special trip or a deep heart-to-heart planned. You just need a little intention—and the willingness to show up, even between red lights.

Why Car Rides Are Gold for Connection

Think about it:

  • You’re both in the same space.
  • Distractions are minimal (unless the radio’s blasting).
  • And most importantly—you’re side-by-side, not face-to-face.

That side-by-side setup? It’s powerful. It’s less intense, less intimidating, and often opens the door to more open, honest conversation.

Car rides can be that perfect mix of casual and meaningful—a natural space where your daughter feels safe to talk without pressure.

3 Easy Ways to Turn Drive Time into Bonding Time

1. Start with Curiosity, Not Questions

We all fall into the “How was school?” trap. But try swapping that with:

  • “What made you laugh today?”
  • “What was the weirdest thing you saw?”
  • “What’s one thing you wish you didn’t have to do this week?”

These aren’t interviews—they’re invitations. You’re saying: “I’m genuinely interested in your world.”

And even if she shrugs the first few times, keep going. Over time, the message sticks.

2. Use Music as a Connector

Let her DJ. Seriously. Ask her to share her favorite songs—and actually listen. Even if it’s not your thing.

Then say:

  • “What do you like about this song?”
  • “This one reminds me of something I listened to when I was your age.”

Music can be a powerful bridge. It’s emotional, expressive, and a way to bond without needing constant dialogue.

3. Embrace the Silence

Not every ride needs to be packed with conversation. In fact, quiet moments can be just as valuable.

Sometimes she’s processing. Sometimes she just needs your calm presence.

And then—out of nowhere—she’ll start talking.
About something funny, or something serious.

And you’ll realize that because you stayed present—she trusted the silence enough to break it.

Quick Takeaway: Try This Today

Here’s your challenge:
During your next car ride with your daughter, pick one of these simple steps:

  • Ask a question that’s different from your usual go-to
  • Let her pick the music—and actually talk about it
  • Sit in the quiet, and be ready when she opens up

And when she does?

  • Listen without fixing.
  • Laugh with her.
  • Let her know you love these moments just as much as she does—even if she doesn’t say it back.

Because connection isn’t always about the destination. Sometimes, it’s built one mile at a time—on the way there.

That’s it for this episode of Dad Connections in 5. If this reminded you that bonding doesn’t have to be complicated or scheduled, share it with another dad who’s doing the morning drop-off or weekend errands.

Until next time—keep driving, keep listening, and keep using the in-between moments to build something that lasts.

If you enjoyed this episode we ask you to take a moment to take our Dad and Daughter Connection Survey to let us know more about you as a dad. You can also sign up to get our newsletter to stay connected to our community and we will send items of interest to you to help you to be the dad that you want to be. Feel free to follow me on the following social media platforms: Facebook, Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, X.

Body Image and Self-Esteem: How Dads Can Make a Difference

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Hey dads! Welcome to Dad Connections in 5, your quick, practical guide to building a stronger bond with your daughter—one meaningful moment at a time. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today, we’re tackling an issue that affects so many girls today—body image and self-esteem.

Let’s be real—the world bombards our daughters with unrealistic beauty standards every single day. Whether it’s social media, TV, or even casual comments from others, the pressure to look a certain way is everywhere.

But here’s the good news—you, as her dad, have a powerful role in shaping how she sees herself. Your words, your actions, and even the way you talk about yourself can build her confidence or tear it down.

So today, I’m giving you three powerful ways to help your daughter develop a healthy body image and strong self-esteem.

Why Your Role as a Dad Matters

Girls with supportive, affirming fathers tend to:

  • Feel more confident in their own skin.
  • Base their worth on who they are, not how they look.
  • Have higher self-esteem and resilience against negative influences.

The way you see her will become how she sees herself.

3 Ways Dads Can Help Their Daughters Build a Healthy Body Image

  1. Compliment Her Beyond Her Appearance

It’s easy to say, “You’re beautiful”—and you should! But if the only praise she hears is about her looks, she may start believing her value is tied to her appearance.

Mix in compliments about her character:

  • “I love how kind you are to your friends.”
  • “You are so strong and determined—I admire that about you.”
  • “Your creativity blows me away!”

This reinforces that her beauty is more than skin deep.

  1. Be Mindful of How You Talk About Bodies—Including Your Own

Your daughter is always listening, even when you’re not talking directly to her. If you’re constantly saying things like:

  • “Ugh, I need to lose weight.”
  • “I can’t eat that—I’ll get fat.”
  • “She looks terrible in that outfit.”

She learns that appearance is something to be criticized.

Instead, model self-acceptance by:

  • Speaking positively about your own body – Show her that health matters more than size.
  • Avoiding body-shaming comments about others – Teach her that everyone deserves respect.
  • Focusing on what your body can DO, not just how it looks – “I love that my legs are strong enough to run with you.”

Your words shape how she talks to herself.

  1. Teach Her That Social Media is NOT Reality

Filters, editing, and curated images make it easy for girls to compare themselves to impossible standards.

Help her develop a healthy mindset by:

  • Asking critical questions – “Do you think this picture was edited?”
  • Pointing out unrealistic portrayals – “No one actually looks like that 24/7.”
  • Encouraging social media breaks – Help her see that her worth isn’t tied to likes and comments.

If she struggles with comparison, remind her:
“The most important thing about you isn’t what you look like—it’s who you are.”

Quick Takeaways: Start Today!

Here’s your challenge: Today, give your daughter a compliment that has nothing to do with her appearance.

  • Encourage her for her strength, kindness, or intelligence.
  • Be mindful of how you talk about bodies—including your own.
  • Help her see that social media isn’t reality.

The way she sees herself starts with how you see her—make sure she knows she is enough, exactly as she is.

That’s it for today’s Dad Connections in 5! If this was helpful, share it with another dad who wants to help his daughter build unshakable confidence. Until next time—keep showing up, keep lifting her up, and keep reminding her that she is more than enough.

If you enjoyed this episode we ask you to take a moment to take our Dad and Daughter Connection Survey to let us know more about you as a dad. You can also sign up to get our newsletter to stay connected to our community and we will send items of interest to you to help you to be the dad that you want to be. Feel free to follow me on the following social media platforms: Facebook, Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, X.

The Right Way to Praise Focusing on Effort-Not Just Talent

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Hey dads! Welcome to Dad Connections in 5, your quick, practical guide to building a stronger bond with your daughter—one simple action at a time. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today, we’re talking about the right way to praise your daughter—focusing on effort, not just talent.

We all want our daughters to feel confident and capable. But did you know that HOW you praise her can actually shape the way she sees herself and her abilities?

Today, I’m going to show you why effort-based praise is so important, how it builds resilience, and practical ways to start using it today.

Why Effort-Based Praise Matters

A lot of times, we say things like:

  • “You’re so smart!”
  • “You’re a natural!”
  • “Wow, you’re really talented at that!”

And while those compliments sound great, they can actually have an unintended effect—making her believe that success is about being naturally gifted, rather than about hard work, practice, and growth.

Instead, when we praise effort, we teach her that:

  • Hard work matters more than being “naturally good” at something.
  • Mistakes aren’t failures—they’re learning opportunities.
  • She is in control of her growth and success.

How to Shift from Talent-Based to Effort-Based Praise

  • Praise the Process, Not Just the Outcome

Instead of saying:

  • “You’re so good at math!”

Try:

  • “I love how you kept working through that tough problem—that’s real determination!”

This reinforces that success comes from persistence.

  • Highlight Hard Work Over Perfection

Instead of saying:

  • “Wow, you won first place—you’re amazing!”

Try:

  • “You practiced so hard for this, and it really paid off! I’m so proud of your dedication.”

Winning is great, but the effort is what truly matters.

  • Encourage a Growth Mindset

When she struggles, instead of saying:

  • “It’s okay, maybe this just isn’t your thing.”

Try:

  • “You’re not there yet, but every time you practice, you get better!”

This teaches her that skills are built, not just given.

  • Praise Her Willingness to Try New Things

If she’s hesitant to try something new, remind her:

  • “It’s okay to not be great at something right away—what matters is that you’re willing to try.”

This boosts confidence and makes her more open to challenges.

Quick Takeaways: Start Today!

Here’s your challenge: The next time you praise your daughter, focus on her effort instead of just the result.

  • Notice her hard work and persistence.
  • Encourage her to see challenges as learning opportunities.
  • Reinforce that growth happens with time, effort, and practice.

This small shift builds resilience, confidence, and a lifelong love of learning.

That’s it for today’s Dad Connections in 5! If you found this helpful, share it with another dad who wants to empower his daughter with the right kind of praise. Until next time—keep encouraging, keep supporting, and keep helping her grow.

If you enjoyed this episode we ask you to take a moment to take our Dad and Daughter Connection Survey to let us know more about you as a dad. You can also sign up to get our newsletter to stay connected to our community and we will send items of interest to you to help you to be the dad that you want to be. Feel free to follow me on the following social media platforms: Facebook, Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, X.

Supporting Your Daughter’s Interests (Even When They’re Different From Yours)

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Hey dads! Welcome to Dad Connections in 5, your quick, practical guide to building a stronger bond with your daughter—one intentional action at a time. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today, we’re tackling something that every dad faces at some point—how to support your daughter’s interests even when they’re completely different from yours.

Now, let’s be honest. As dads, we sometimes hope our daughters will love the same things we do—whether it’s sports, music, cars, or hobbies we grew up with. But sometimes, she takes a totally different path. Maybe she’s into ballet instead of basketball, anime instead of action movies, or science experiments instead of sports.

And that’s okay. Because what really matters isn’t WHAT she loves—it’s that you show up and support her no matter what.

So today, I’m giving you four simple ways to embrace her interests, even when they’re out of your comfort zone—so she always knows Dad is in her corner.

Why Supporting Her Interests is So Important

When you take an interest in what your daughter loves, you’re telling her:

?? “I see you.”
?? “What matters to you, matters to me.”
?? “You don’t have to be like me for me to love and support you.”

That builds trust, confidence, and lifelong connection.

4 Ways to Support Her Interests (Even When They Aren’t Yours)

  1. Get Curious—Ask Questions & Show Genuine Interest

You don’t have to love her interests—you just need to be curious about them.

  • If she’s into painting, ask, “What’s your favorite thing to paint?”
  • If she loves coding, ask, “What’s the coolest thing you’ve built?”
  • If she’s obsessed with a book series, ask, “What do you love most about it?”

The goal isn’t to be an expert—it’s to let her teach YOU.

  1. Participate—Even If You Feel Out of Your Element

Sometimes, the best way to connect is to step into her world.

  • If she loves musicals, watch one together and let her explain why she loves it.
  • If she’s into a new hobby, try it out with her—even if you’re terrible at it.
  • If she’s playing a sport you don’t understand, go to her games and cheer like crazy.

You don’t have to be great at it—you just have to show up.

  1. Celebrate Her Achievements—Big & Small

No matter what she’s into, be her biggest cheerleader.

  • If she finishes a new piece of artwork, hang it up somewhere.
  • If she performs in a recital, be front and center.
  • If she’s excited about a new skill, tell her how proud you are of her effort.

Your encouragement fuels her confidence.

  1. Keep an Open Mind—You Might Find Something You Enjoy

Sometimes, what starts as supporting her passion turns into something you enjoy together.

  • You might actually get hooked on the show she loves.
  • You might find yourself enjoying her favorite music.
  • You might discover a new hobby you never expected.

Being open to new experiences makes your bond even stronger.

Quick Takeaways: Start Today!

Here’s your challenge: Before the day ends, ask your daughter one question about something she loves—and really listen to her answer.

? Be curious—ask questions about her interests.
? Step into her world—try something she enjoys.
? Celebrate her passions—big and small.
? Stay open—you might just find a new connection.

Because at the end of the day, it’s not about WHAT she loves—it’s about knowing Dad will always support her, no matter what.

That’s it for today’s Dad Connections in 5! If this was helpful, share it with another dad who wants to strengthen his bond with his daughter. Until next time—keep showing up, keep supporting, and keep celebrating what makes her unique.

If you enjoyed this episode we ask you to take a moment to take our Dad and Daughter Connection Survey to let us know more about you as a dad. You can also sign up to get our newsletter to stay connected to our community and we will send items of interest to you to help you to be the dad that you want to be. Feel free to follow me on the following social media platforms: Facebook, Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, X.

 

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and daughter connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
Hey, dads. Welcome to dad connection in five, your quick practical guide to building a stronger bond with your daughter, one intentional action at a time. I’m doctor Christopher Lewis, and today, we’re tackling something that every dad faces at some point, how to support your daughter’s interest even when they’re completely different than yours? Now let’s be honest. As dads, we sometimes hope that our daughters will love the same things that we do, whether it’s sports, music, cars, or hobbies that we grew up with. But sometimes, she takes a totally different path. Maybe she’s into ballet instead of basketball, anime instead of action movies, or science experience experiments instead of sports. But that’s okay because what really matters isn’t what she loves, it’s that you show up and support her no matter what. So today, I’m giving you four simple ways to embrace her interest even when they’re out of your comfort zone.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:04]:
So she always know knows that dad is here in her corner. So why is this so important? When you take an active interest in your daughter’s loves, you’re telling her, first, I see you. Second, what matters to you matters to me. And third, you don’t have to be like me for me to love and support you. That’s going to build trust, confidence, and lifelong connection. So here’s four ways that you can support her interests even when they aren’t yours. First, get curious. Ask questions and show genuine interest.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:37]:
You don’t have to love her interest. You just have to be curious about them. If she’s into painting, ask, what’s your favorite thing to paint? If she loves coding, ask, what’s the coolest thing you’ve built? If she’s obsessed with a book series, ask, what do you love most about it? The goal isn’t to be an expert. It’s about her teaching you. Second thing, participate. Even if you feel left out of your element, sometimes the best way to connect is to step into her world. If she loves musicals, watch one together and let her explain why she loves it. If she’s into a new hobby, try it out with her even if you’re terrible at it.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:17]:
If she’s playing a sport you don’t understand, go to her games and cheer like crazy. You don’t have to be great at it. You just have to show up. Third, celebrate her achievements. Big and small, no matter what that she’s into, be her biggest cheerleader. If she finishes a new piece of artwork, hang it up somewhere. If she performs in a recital, be front and center. If she’s excited about a new skill, tell her how proud you are of her effort.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:44]:
Your encouragement fuels her confidence. Fourth, keep an open mind. You might find something that you enjoy sometimes, and what starts as supporting her passion turns into something you enjoy together. You might actually get hooked on the show she loves. You might find yourself enjoying her favorite music. You might discover a new hobby you’ve never expected. Being open to new experiences makes your bond even stronger. So here’s some quick takeaways.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:13]:
Start today. Here’s your challenge. Before the end of the day, ask your daughter one question about something that she loves and really listen to her answer. Be curious, ask questions about her interests, step into her world and try something that she enjoys, celebrate her passions big and small and stay open. You might just find a new connection. At the end of the day, it’s not about what she loves. It’s about knowing dad will always support her no matter what. Okay.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:43]:
That’s it for today’s dad connection five. If this was helpful, share it with another dad who wants to strengthen his bond with his daughter. Until next time, keep showing up, keep supporting, and keep celebrating what makes her unique.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:59]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of the the dad and daughter connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes at dadanddaughterconnection.com. Until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting, and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Outro Performer [00:04:29]:
We’re all in the same boat. And it’s full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time. We give the lessons. We make the meals. We buy them presents and bring your A GAME Because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast.

Musical Outro Performer [00:05:04]:
Calling astronauts and firemen, carpenters and muscle men, get out and beat the world to them. Be the best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.