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Building Stronger Bonds: Matt Haviland and his Daughter Olivia’s Father-Daughter Journey

September 21, 2026 by dadofdivas

At the heart of The Dad and Daughter Connection, featured in this week’s episode, is the steadfast belief that the strongest father-daughter relationships are built one intentional moment at a time. In a conversation brimming with honesty and warmth, Dr. Christopher Lewis sits down with Matt Haviland and his 20-year-old daughter, Olivia Haviland, to explore what it truly means to connect, support, and empower our daughters to become confident, independent women.

Listening With Intent

One of the most powerful themes from this episode is the importance of truly listening. Olivia Haviland reflects on her high school years, sharing how her dad’s willingness to listen without judgment made her feel seen and valued. Rather than resorting to harsh discipline, Matt Haviland chose to open a dialogue, striving to understand Olivia’s perspective and guide rather than simply correct. This practice, inspired by a national survey in which teens wished their dads would “listen more,” is a reminder for all fathers: be present, and let your daughter’s voice be heard.

Meaningful Moments Big and Small

Connection isn’t always about the grand gestures. Matt Haviland and Olivia share memories ranging from epic squirt gun battles to heartfelt college essays, and even “loud and obnoxious” declarations of love at McDonald’s. Whether it’s a shared joke, a drive together, or simply showing up at a dance recital, these moments accumulate into a reservoir of trust and comfort. As Olivia Haviland puts it, time spent together outweighs any material gift.

Guidance and Independence

Balancing guidance with independence is a recurring theme. Matt Haviland, a former single dad, emphasizes being intentional with the time he shared with Olivia, supporting her dreams while encouraging self-reflection and growth. For Olivia, this support translated into confidence in her career and life decisions—bolstered by her dad’s encouragement to think long-term and his faith-based guidance.

Real Advice for Real Dads

This episode wraps with practical wisdom: prioritize time with your kids, apologize for your mistakes, and let your actions reflect your family values. Both Matt Haviland and Olivia Haviland urge dads everywhere to listen deeply and value presence over presents.

Ready to strengthen your bond with your daughter? Listen to this heartfelt episode of The Dad and Daughter Connection and discover how every day can be an opportunity to connect, grow, and become the dad she needs.

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TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to The Dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
If you’re looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’re in the right place. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and The Dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we’ll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let’s get started, because being a great dad isn’t just about being there. It’s about truly connecting. Welcome back to the Dad and Daughter Connection, where every week we have a great opportunity to be able to work together to build those connections that we want to have with our daughters one day at a time. You know, I love it that you come back every week because that shows a lot about who you want to be as a father, but also who you want to be and what type of relationship you want to have, relationship that you want to have with your daughter.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:16]:
And it takes time, it takes effort, and it takes work. And we have to keep showing up. And it is so important for us to be able to put the work in for ourselves, but also put in the work with our daughters to be able to have that solid relationship that we wanna have. And that’s why this podcast exists. Every week, I love being able to bring you different people with different experiences that allow for you to be able to learn, to grow, to get some tools for your toolbox, and to be able to take those and use them for the future. So I am really excited today to have a, I’m gonna say a return guest. It’s not really a return guest on this show, but Matt Haviland, is with us. And Matt and his daughter are with us today, his daughter Olivia.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:02]:
And Matt is a past guest of a past podcast that I did called Dads with Daughters about 4 years ago. And I’m really excited to be able to have Matt on, but also this time his daughter Olivia, to be able to talk about the relationship that they’ve been able to build together and also what they’ve learned along the way to share that with you. Matt, Olivia, thanks so much for being here today.

Matt Haviland [00:02:26]:
Yeah, Chris, thanks again for having me back. And this is a really It’s a really special moment to have Olivia with me today. So say hi.

Olivia Haviland [00:02:33]:
Hi.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:33]:
I’m really excited to have you both here. And I want to go back a little bit because I know, Olivia, you’re 20. You know, you’re an adult now. You’re doing the life thing. You’re doing the work thing. You’re out there. And as you think back to the relationship that you’ve been able to build with your dad, what’s one thing that your dad did for you that helped you and made you feel truly seen, heard, and valued as a daughter?

Olivia Haviland [00:03:02]:
Um, I would say in high school, I was struggling a lot with my mental health. And then I was getting myself into a little bit of trouble. And he didn’t ground me. Well, there was like boundaries where he grounded me a little bit, but he was more open to like listening as of like why I did the things that I did, instead of just like not hearing me out and just screaming at me, taking my phone, not letting me hang out with my friends and everything. So that meant a lot to me.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:32]:
And Matt, I guess, take me back to that point for you, because I know you had your own journey as a youth and went through your own stuff. And we talked about, we talked about a lot of that in the first interview that we did. So talk to me about that for you and hearing that from Olivia and how you had to be able to kind of take what you learned to be able to help her?

Matt Haviland [00:03:57]:
Yeah, I was very grateful for a lot of the experiences that I had, not only personally but also professionally or through mentorship as well. I guess where I can go with that, Chris, is Olivia was born when I was 30 years old, so I wasn’t super young. So by the time she’s in high school, you know, I’m in my mid-40s. I would like to say I’ve learned a few things over those 14 or 15 years of parenting her, but I also Just like a lot of people, either parents or— I, I work with fathers also in a professional setting. You know, we learn a lot from our own previous experiences. So the things my own parents did or did not do, so learning how to correct that and apply that as much as possible. Plus working in a fatherhood field for so long, I’ve obviously picked up tips, either again things that I’ve taught guys or other men have taught me as well. But it really becomes a lot different instead of me just telling a dad what to do when I actually have to live this out.

Matt Haviland [00:04:54]:
But I think I could attribute a lot of it to— I was at a conference many years ago, probably 2010, 2012, and they revealed a survey result, a national survey, and they said all these teen kids wish their dad would fill in the blank. And the number one answer was listen more. And that was something that, just like Olivia just said, instead of flying off the handle, telling her how much trouble she’s in, let me hear her out first.

Olivia Haviland [00:05:18]:
Yeah.

Matt Haviland [00:05:19]:
And then we can go from there.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:20]:
Now I know that a lot of times, Matt, we as fathers are trying to build those moments, those meaningful moments that connect us with our kids. And what is one of the most meaningful moments that you’ve been able to share with Olivia and what made it so special?

Matt Haviland [00:05:35]:
Okay, she said the water fight, so clearly that must have been one. It was April Fool’s Day, probably about 4 or 5 years ago. She pranked me in the house and that turned out to a full-blown squirt gun war in the house, actually Super Soakers in the house.

Olivia Haviland [00:05:49]:
Well, I pranked him once and then he forgot to take the tape off the faucet and pranked himself again.

Matt Haviland [00:05:55]:
Yeah, she did the old, you know, she tied the rubber band around the sprayer on the kitchen sink. So when I turned on the kitchen sink faucet, it hit me, and then I shut it off and hit myself again. And yes, that is a very— we’re gonna remember that forever, having a squirt gun fight in the house. Not recommended. My wife had something to say about it when she got home, but it was very meaningful. Another really meaningful moment on a more emotional level was a couple years ago, Olivia wrote a paper for college, and they were to choose somebody that’s inspired them inspired them, and she wrote the paper about me. And it starts out with the words, I am who I am today because of my dad. And I don’t think, Christopher, I don’t think there’s any greater words that a parent can hear than something like that.

Matt Haviland [00:06:34]:
And she went on to say a lot of like what she just said about me being there and communicating with her mom and just so many other things. So that was a special moment. The fact that of all the times I’ve screwed up as a dad over, at that point, over 18 years, and then just to receive the gift like that that says, no, Dad, you did a lot of screwing up, but you did it right as well. And Really, that meant so much. To this day, there’s no greater gift I’ve ever been given than that paper.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:59]:
And Olivia, what are some things that you wish your dad had done differently when it came to building your relationship?

Olivia Haviland [00:07:05]:
I don’t know. I can’t really think of much because from our situation of like me growing up, it was really hard to make time to see me and everything, but he was doing all that he could. From what I noticed, I would just say maybe less of the dad jokes for sure. On a serious note, I can only flash back to when I was little and I wish he learned to cook more things rather than turkey burger and rice and sometimes mac and cheese.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:34]:
That’s fair.

Matt Haviland [00:07:35]:
I was a bachelor for 29 years. Okay, so but just for your audience though, to just kind of backtrack our story, I was a single dad, Olivia’s mom and I never married. So I was a single father for the first 9 years of her life too. So just trying to navigate what that was like raising a child in 2 different homes.

Olivia Haviland [00:07:52]:
Because rules would would be different at my mom’s and then rules would be different here. I would say like not anything that he could do different, but like something I take back is like when we would get in arguments, I would like not talk to him for the rest of the night. But like, he— I’m thankful that you respected my space, but I kind of wish you would have like pushed me a little bit to like talk more. But other than that, I can’t really think of anything.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:16]:
Now, Matt, all of us are trying to help our daughters to be able to become the people that they’re becoming. Talk to me about how you you balanced guiding Olivia while also giving her the independence to grow into the person that she has become?

Matt Haviland [00:08:31]:
Yeah, speaking from personal experience, so being a single father— and I’ve often defined single dads especially as it could be a man who has full custody, maybe it’s split custody, maybe it’s minimal custody— I would be what was defined as a non-custodial parent, meaning I had less than 50% of the parenting time. Because of that, I was really intentional about the time I had with her. But I think that’s just a good lesson for any parent, is to be intentional intentional. I have the privilege of working with new first-time fathers in some of the work that I do, and I’ll talk to them about making time for their kids. You know, there’s a great quote that says, you’ll never have the time for your kids, you have to make time. There’s no other way. And really putting that into practice, um, you know, you go to parks— and this isn’t to shame anybody listening, but it’s a good reminder— and you’ll see all the parents looking down at their phones while the kids are playing. And it’s about getting engaged in their life.

Matt Haviland [00:09:24]:
And I think for having Olivia, because I didn’t have her all the time. I did not want to take her time— the time with her for granted. But any— even for parents that are raising their kids together in the same household, I mean, the reminder still goes that there’s no greater gift that we can give our kids than our time. And being present isn’t just being in the same room, it’s being, you know, mentally and emotionally present. And I know there’s probably a lot of people that have heard that before, but I think it’s true. I mean, just to be there, to be involved with raising kids— yes, you’re going to have the serious moments, But then also, it’s just kind of spending time together. Maybe it’s going for a walk, and maybe at first it’s a goofy conversation, or, or it’s, uh, it gets more serious. When I had Olivia, the average drive home to her mom was about 15 or 20 minutes each way.

Matt Haviland [00:10:09]:
So every time I picked her up, I mean, that’s 20 minutes of car time that we can kind of talk a little bit. So I think it was not just anything one specific, but it was just that continual over and over and over for 18 years of trying to be as intentional as I can, listening to her, correcting mistakes when I, I can, and then Everybody will say it, she is a carbon copy of me. She is literally— I mean, she’s cuter than me, but just, I mean, personality-wise, she is a carbon copy.

Olivia Haviland [00:10:36]:
We stand the same.

Matt Haviland [00:10:37]:
Yeah, our mannerisms are all the same. But really understanding that too, that I’m looking in a mirror here. So when I am raising her, disciplining her, engaging with her, how would I react to that as well?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:49]:
And speaking to that, Olivia, how has your relationship with your dad influenced the way in which you navigate life, relationships, or challenges? challenges today?

Olivia Haviland [00:10:59]:
Um, I would say, I mean, definitely he— I obviously wasn’t alive, but he did struggle when he was a teenager and in his 20s. And I feel like when I got into that point, when I was getting in some trouble my sophomore year of high school and everything, just like for him to know exactly what it was like to do the same things helped him guide me out of it instead of, like I said earlier, yelling at me, screaming at me. He would actually like hear me out and be like, hey, I was in your position once and this is how I got through it. But he would also always bring faith into it and keep me strong in my faith. Like he would always end a conversation with a Bible verse or bring in a passage or a verse just to help me through something.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:47]:
Now, Matt, we talked about— Olivia’s just talking about some challenging times, and all of us go through those challenging times as we’re raising kids. There’s great times and there’s where you might hit rock bottom as well. And what are some intentional ways that you worked to strengthen your bond with Olivia, especially during those challenging times?

Matt Haviland [00:12:05]:
I’ve always had, since I’ve become a dad, and I am one to really— I’m a huge advocate for everyone to have a mentor. You know, I’ve always had a mentor. I wasn’t raised in a two-parent home. My parents were never married. My dad was minimally engaged in my life. So not having that strong father figure in my life, growing up and understanding what that’s like. But when I did become a dad, I’ve always had strong mentor men in my life in various capacities. Some might be in work, some might be in parenting, or whatever it may be.

Matt Haviland [00:12:38]:
So I think being able to talk it through with a mentor who also was a father, and maybe even perhaps depending on who it was, a grandfather— so a mentor just being somebody that’s a little older and has more experience And hearing that out. And Chris, there was a ton of mistakes along the way. I mean, I’m not going to lie. There was— I’ve had some really bad moments as parents, never in a, like, an abusive way or anything, but where I really dropped the ball. And just understand, I don’t ever want to feel like that again. Apologizing to her, admitting that I screwed up and doing my best not to go through that again. But by the time she was really struggling, especially in the late middle school, early high school years, again, by this point, I’m in my mid-40s. I had been parenting her for a long time.

Matt Haviland [00:13:22]:
So, I knew Olivia. I was able to read her cues. And, I understand that might be a little different in every family dynamic, but I was able to read her cues. And, the girl talks all the time. So, when Olivia’s quiet, there’s obviously there’s something going on. And, like she said, I mean, I was in some— my teen and 20s were some pretty dark years in my life and never wanting her to go through that. I struggled with substance abuse and a lot of other I didn’t go that far. No, but I’m just saying I didn’t want you to go that far.

Matt Haviland [00:13:53]:
So being able to kind of curb that beforehand. But there’s always— I think there also was a special bond. And again, this isn’t to take away from anybody in other family dynamics, but because I was a single father, when I had Olivia, it was me and Olivia. So for 9 years, it was just us. We were like a team, you know? And just to be able to read— and I mean, she’s my heart, and I wanted to in so many ways, give her what I was never given from an upbringing even though it wasn’t perfect because she was still being raised in 2 different homes. But nonetheless, giving her the holidays or the Christmases or the love—

Olivia Haviland [00:14:28]:
Dance recitals and games.

Matt Haviland [00:14:29]:
Yeah, attending. My dad made 2 of my baseball games over 12 years. And, I was at almost every game I could make for her or her dance recitals and understanding how important that is for her to look out in the crowd And to see me there.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:41]:
You know, Olivia, earlier I asked your dad about how he worked to be able to provide you with that independence that you needed. Talk to me on your side of how your dad encouraged you to be confident and independent in your life.

Olivia Haviland [00:14:56]:
I would say he’s always been my biggest cheerleader, even if it’s loud and obnoxious at my games. Or there was one time he was saying how much he loved me in the middle of McDonald’s, just screaming it.

Matt Haviland [00:15:09]:
On purpose.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:10]:
On purpose.

Matt Haviland [00:15:11]:
To embarrass her on purpose.

Olivia Haviland [00:15:12]:
But I would say, like, he’s always been like, he’ll send me a, hey, good morning, I hope you have an amazing day. It’s not every day, but I think that’s what makes it more special is that it’ll be like out of the blue or it’ll be like a Bible verse or like I’ll tell him, I’m like, hey, I had a really bad day today. And then he’ll send me a Bible verse or be like, hey, I have time to call. I would say that’s really encouraging. And then also just like, you know, I’ll be at work and then he’ll show up and bring Dunkin’ or Subway, just like showing that even like if he can see me for 5 minutes, like it still matters. So that means a lot to me too.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:51]:
And Matt, we talked before we started today about what Olivia is doing and she’s working in healthcare right now. And I guess as you have been fathering Olivia, how do you support Olivia in pursuing her passions and her dreams?

Matt Haviland [00:16:04]:
Great question. I, first of all, I’m very impressed because Olivia has a career focus already at 20. And I know that’s not rare, but I, at 20, I mean, I was completely in the opposite direction. So I’m already just so proud of her because, I mean, she is very motivated, she’s very determined, she has an excellent work ethic. I mean, she works hard and she really respects the job that she has, even if she doesn’t like it a lot. So, so to encourage her again— Yeah, she likes her job right now, so that’s good. But to encourage her, I would say again, just listening, kind of maybe as she’s talking, processing, like, okay, what’s this going to look like in your life? Is this going to require more schooling? Sometimes I ask her questions like, how do you see this playing out long-term? If you want to get advanced in your career, what’s that going to look like? How’s that going to affect the other areas of your life? And kind of just helping her think through. You know, she doesn’t have all the weight that, you know, we as adults have right now, you know, carrying a lot of mortgages or payments or, you know, other bigger obligations.

Matt Haviland [00:17:09]:
Not to minimize what she’s doing, but—

Olivia Haviland [00:17:10]:
Right.

Matt Haviland [00:17:11]:
But she has some opportunity and some room right now to really dream, like, hey, what do I want to do for a career? And if I do change my career, that’s okay. But she has tremendous skills. I think that’s one thing, is to let her know what skills she has. She’s definitely a people person. She has a hard work ethic. She’s a great communicator. So just kind of saying, hey, these are the things you’re really good at. So where would that fit for you in your career field?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:17:35]:
And Olivia, if you could spend an entire day with your dad doing anything, what would it look like?

Olivia Haviland [00:17:39]:
Oh, no. No signs, no dad jokes. That would be—

Matt Haviland [00:17:44]:
You gotta explain the signs.

Olivia Haviland [00:17:46]:
He is obsessed. I will be trying, like, you know, we go to a zoo, I want to see the animals, and he’s like, oh, I want to know where the animals lived, um, where they came from, how old are they, how many, like, claws do they have, how many teeth. Like, it doesn’t matter. Like, I just— I want to see the animals. And it kind of just began as, like, a running joke. Every time he sees a sign, he sends it to me. I reply with, I’m not reading that. But I would say a perfect day, honestly, I love our beach days because he’s very— I mean, we’re like the same person.

Olivia Haviland [00:18:19]:
Like, we don’t want to get out of the water, but we’ve always played stupid games like how many times can we catch the ball in a row throwing trick shots. And then like during COVID we were hitting a ball on our roof with a tennis racket, like, and made that like a whole summer competition. So I would say just like Like little games, like beach day getaway, just the two of us. And then probably Star Wars at the end. Star Wars are an old movie, but something we do like monthly.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:18:48]:
Sounds like a good day. Now we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our Dad Connection 6, 6 more questions. And I usually ask them just to dads, but I’m gonna ask both of you some different questions or questions for both of you. Uh, first and foremost, Olivia, what’s one word that describes your relationship with your dad?

Olivia Haviland [00:19:04]:
Comforting.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:05]:
And Matt, what’s your word?

Matt Haviland [00:19:06]:
I’d say solid.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:07]:
And Matt, what’s the best piece of dad advice you’ve ever received?

Matt Haviland [00:19:12]:
I think it’s honestly, it’s been in multiple forms and it’s what I’ve already mentioned. It’s just spending time with them. Other things can wait. And I’ve heard a million different quotes in that way, but it all boils down to spending undivided, just they got my attention or she has my attention. Everything else can wait and it’s just our time. So yeah, time.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:33]:
And Olivia, what’s the best piece of dad advice you’ve ever received?

Olivia Haviland [00:19:37]:
I would honestly say, like, like he said earlier, the, like, talking me through it. Where can you see yourself from this? Let’s, you know, visualize what even is it gonna look like in a month versus 5 years. And I would say that’s gotten me a lot of places because before I make decisions now, I always, like, stop and think, like, hey, like, I may like it right now, but in 3 months, am I gonna like what I’m doing? In a year, am I gonna like what I’m doing? Am I gonna wanna be doing this when I’m older?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:06]:
Yeah.

Olivia Haviland [00:20:06]:
I’m 60 or 70 years old kind of thing. So I would say that’s gotten me far in a lot of places.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:12]:
Matt, what’s one activity that you and Olivia love doing together?

Matt Haviland [00:20:15]:
You’re gonna appreciate this one, Christopher. Going to University of Michigan football games.

Musical Outro Performer [00:20:20]:
Okay.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:21]:
And I’m gonna throw it back to you too, Olivia. And it doesn’t have to be the same thing. It’d be something different.

Olivia Haviland [00:20:25]:
Daddy-daughter dances or like donuts with dad or anything that’s like one-on-one mini golf, golf, and football games, definitely.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:33]:
Matt, if you could give Olivia one life lesson in a single sentence, What would it be?

Matt Haviland [00:20:37]:
Love God, love others.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:38]:
And Matt, what’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself since becoming a dad?

Matt Haviland [00:20:42]:
I think—

Olivia Haviland [00:20:43]:
The girl version of you.

Matt Haviland [00:20:45]:
That too. But I would say since becoming a dad, I think you learn how the word selfish feels strong, but I don’t think it’s out of line of when it’s just us. But when it was just me as a single dad or a single man versus becoming a father, it was all about me. I tell my new guys, I think I think being a parent drives you to a level of commitment to your children that would not be attained any other way.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:09]:
And Olivia, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Olivia Haviland [00:21:16]:
I would say put aside anything that can wait, and then also listen before either conversating or just listen to the full story instead of, like, interrupting, getting down to the point.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:32]:
And Matt?

Matt Haviland [00:21:32]:
Yeah, I think it’s so important to live out your values and what’s important to your family. We have a culture that is in many ways just so antagonistic and assaulting our daughters, and to be able to speak against that, letting our daughters know how beautiful they are, how valued they are, their virtue, their beauty, their tenderness. And this is an appropriate conversation for whether you’re raising a 5-year-old or a 20-year-old as well.

Olivia Haviland [00:21:58]:
I would also always say time over items too, because I know A lot of my friends’ parents will be like at work because they work third shift or something. They’ll be like, here’s money to go get something because I didn’t see you all day, or here’s money because I yelled at you kind of thing, instead of just sitting down, actually talking everything out. It helps grow a relationship too.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:20]:
Well, Matt, Olivia, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for spending time with me today, for sharing your journey in your own relationship. Matt is an author as well, and I should mention that he did write a book a number of years back called A Father’s Walk, a Christian-based resource for single fathers. And if people want to find out more about you, Matt, and what you’re doing, where should they go?

Matt Haviland [00:22:43]:
I don’t have a website, but you can email me. I’m completely open to that. My email is afatherswalk@gmail.com. That’s a fathers with an S on the end, walk at Gmail.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:54]:
Well, again, I want to say thank you. Thank you to both of you for your time, for sharing your And I wish you both all the best.

Matt Haviland [00:23:01]:
Thanks, Christopher.

Olivia Haviland [00:23:01]:
Thank you.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:02]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of The Dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes at dadanddaughterconnection.com. Until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting, and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Outro Performer [00:23:33]:
We’re all in the same boat and it’s full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time, we give the lessons. We make the meals, we buy them presents. Bring your A-game, ’cause those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast. Calling astronauts and firemen, carpenters and muscle men, get out and be the world to them. Be the best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.

How to Let Go and Let Grow: Encouraging Independence in Daughters

August 24, 2026 by dadofdivas

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Are you a dad searching for practical ways to foster a stronger bond and raise your daughter to be capable, resilient, and self-assured? The latest episode of The Dad and Daughter Connection is a must-listen. Host Dr. Christopher Lewis welcomes Lenore Skenazy, journalist, author, and founder of the Free-Range Kids movement, for a timely, inspiring discussion on balancing love, trust, and independence in parenting.

Challenging the Culture of Fear

One of the episode’s powerful themes is how today’s parents are conditioned to overprotect. Lenore Skenazy recounts the story that ignited her movement: letting her nine-year-old son navigate the New York City subway alone, only to face national backlash and probing “what ifs” from the media. As Lenore Skenazy explains at 10:01, our culture fixates on the rarest tragedies—like stranger abductions—despite statistical evidence showing how unlikely they are. This fear loop not only restricts children’s experiences but also saps much of the joy and pride of seeing them grow.

The Power of Trust and Letting Go

Dr. Christopher Lewis and Lenore Skenazy discuss the essential “trust loop,” where letting children try things on their own—whether it’s walking to the store or making pancakes—builds both competence and confidence. As Lenore Skenazy beautifully puts it at 30:28, “When adults step back, kids step up.” True confidence, she explains, grows from real experiences and problem-solving, not empty reassurance.

Practical Steps for Parents

The episode offers actionable advice for dads: let your kids help (even messily) when they’re small, encourage them to do things by themselves, and support their social independence with unstructured play. Check out the suggestions at 27:18—like organizing Free Play Fridays or starting your own “let grow” experiences. Not only will your children blossom, but you’ll also rediscover the pride that comes from witnessing their real-world triumphs.

Join the Movement

This episode isn’t just for dads. Anyone who wants to see children thrive in today’s anxious, scheduled world should tune in. Lenore Skenazy shares hope, humor, and evidence-based insights that will inspire you to let go—and let grow.

Ready to break the cycle and raise the confident daughter you know she can be? Listen to the full conversation now at dadanddaughterconnection.com and join a community of dads committed to showing up, connecting, and empowering the next generation.

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to The Dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
If you’re looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’re in the right place. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and The Dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we’ll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let’s get started. Because being a great dad isn’t just about being there. It’s about truly connecting. Welcome back to the Dad and Daughter Connection, where every week we have a great opportunity to be able to connect with not only one another, but But to be able to work and grow, to be able to become those dads that we wanna become and to be able to build the relationships and the connections that we want to build with our daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:11]:
I love it that you come back every week because every week there is something new that you can learn, some new tools you can add into your toolbox and things that you can do to be able to move yourself just maybe a little bit, maybe a lot, to be able to help you to be that dad that you want to be To your daughters. And that’s why this podcast exists. Every week I bring you different people. We have different conversations, all in alignment to help you to be able to move forward one step at a time. It’s not always gonna be easy. Being a father is not always gonna be easy, and that’s okay. That’s why I love being able to walk with you on this journey. You know, I’m a father of 2 daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:52]:
There are times that I stumble and fall and make mistakes just like you, but we all can learn. One step at a time. And today we’ve got another great guest. Lenore Skenazy is with us today, and I’m really excited to be able to have Lenore on because if you’ve ever wondered whether kids are being overprotected or whether parents are under more pressure than ever, then you’re going to enjoy today’s conversation because Lenore Skenazy, who is a journalist, she’s an author, she’s founder of the Free-Range Kids Movement, is with us today. Now, she’s often called America’s worst mom after allowing her 9-year-old son to ride the subway alone, Lenore turned that experience into a national conversation about raising capable, confident children. Today, through the nonprofit Let Grow, she continues to help families and schools foster independence, resilience, and real-world confidence in kids. Lenore, thanks so much for being here today.

Lenore Skenazy [00:02:49]:
Well, thank you. Thanks for having me.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:51]:
I’m really excited to have you here today. And I always start these conversations with just an opportunity to be able to get to know you and get to know your relationship with your own father, because all of us have fathers, that have helped us to become the people that we’ve become. And I guess as you think back to your dad, and I know as we, we talked at the very beginning, your dad’s been gone for a number of years, but as you think back to the relationship that you had with your father, what’s one of the things that your father did that made you truly feel seen, heard, and valued as a daughter?

Lenore Skenazy [00:03:21]:
Well, I’ll tell you one of the things he didn’t do, and I think that was the most significant, which is that he didn’t expect me or my sister— my dad had 2 daughters just like you— to be anything in particular. We didn’t have to be doctors, lawyers. We almost didn’t have to be successful. We just had to be ourselves. And ironically, he was so into sports. He was so into sports that he started a tennis club. That was his job for the last 30 years of his life. He built one of the first indoor tennis clubs in the suburbs of Chicago where we grew up.

Lenore Skenazy [00:03:51]:
Beautiful place. He was the president of it until the day he died. Ran tennis clinics and tennis parties and tennis tournaments. And my sister and I never had to play tennis. And I thought, that is pretty amazing. You know, it’s not like my kid has to be a mini-me. We didn’t have to be mini-anythings. And I was really grateful for that because I was never interested in any sport.

Lenore Skenazy [00:04:14]:
And that didn’t bother him as much as he loved sports.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:17]:
As you think back on your dad, how did he encourage you to be confident and independent in the things that you were doing and to support you in the passion and the dreams that you had?

Lenore Skenazy [00:04:29]:
Well, here’s the deal. He always believed in me and my sister that anything we were ready to do, that was fine. And as he got older, the thing that, that we would have the most fun with is he would call up and, and he ended up in a wheelchair for like the last 12 years. So he’s looking for fun. And it was always, Laura, tell me a joke, because we just love jokes. It was the era when people did tell whole long jokes. You know, a guy walks into a bar, a man’s, uh, you know, guys on a golf course, whatever it was. And I don’t say that he turned me into a public speaker, but he certainly realized the value of good timing and trying to get that, nail that punchline.

Lenore Skenazy [00:05:09]:
And knowing that part of, I just read the book A Gentleman in Moscow by, I guess, Amor Towles. And one sentence he said in there struck me as so profound. It’s the novel of a guy confined to a luxury hotel since the beginning of the Russian Revolution until he’s very aged. And he adapts to the fact that he’ll never be able to leave this hotel. And at first, he’s just a rich guy, and then he ends up getting a job there. And he’s— everything he does, he does with incredible aplomb and tact and kindness. And towards the end, he said, a cheerful demeanor, which is the hallmark of an intelligent person, blah, blah, blah. And I thought, being cheerful is— it’s an obligation, right? And you can rise to it.

Lenore Skenazy [00:05:52]:
And it is the mark of somebody smart, not somebody silly and goofy, because it means that you’re putting somebody else’s emotions sometimes ahead of your own.

Speaker D [00:06:01]:
Yeah.

Lenore Skenazy [00:06:01]:
And also recognizing that the sort of the more cheerful you are, certainly the more you try to put yourself out there, it pays you back. And so everybody, it’s the rising tide for all the boats, all those glum boats out there. And my dad was always trying to do that. You know, he would ask the waitress, honey, what’s your name? Oh, okay, Samantha. I would love a cup of coffee. And he had a way of trying to bring things up. And he expected that of me. And I am grateful for that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:32]:
Now, I know you said your dad’s been gone for a number of years. If you could spend an entire day with your dad today doing anything, what would it look like?

Lenore Skenazy [00:06:41]:
Oh, I could tell you that. We would immediately go to a movie theater that has an all-day roster of really old black-and-white movies, most of them starring Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, but some of them a little bit deeper than that, and even some silent movies. My dad was really old when he had me, and I’m pretty old myself. And he loved— he had a book when I was growing up of the silent movie stars of the teens and ’20s. And oh my God, how I loved that book. And we really shared this fascination with how great the movies were back in the day. And he was a great dancer, and so he loved Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, and we loved musicals. And so— I would just sit there and we’d get a big tub of popcorn, which then would be stuck in his teeth for the rest of the day.

Lenore Skenazy [00:07:30]:
And God knows how many toothpicks he’d go through and sucking sounds like, like that, which is happening to us all at a certain age. But we would really have a great time with an all-day extravaganza at the movies.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:42]:
Now, I mentioned at the very beginning that you have been working on a free-range kids movement throughout, I’m going to say the world, because you’ve been really talking about this beyond just the US. You know, your message has gone beyond that. Let’s go back in time. I want to go back to that origin story because not everybody has heard about this. Tell me about what made you decide that it was so important not only to tell your own story, but to work with parents to be able to start this broader movement.

Lenore Skenazy [00:08:12]:
Sure. So what happened was when our younger son was 9, older son was 11 at that point, Izzy started asking me and my husband if we would take him someplace he’d never been before. in New York City where we live and let him find his own way home by subway. That was the dream, by subway, because we’re always on the subways. We don’t have a car and he’s a boy, right? Boys like transportation. Oh my God. From the backhoes to the Cadillacs to the subway. And so one sunny Sunday, I took him to Bloomingdale’s fancy department store where we don’t shop.

Lenore Skenazy [00:08:45]:
So he’d never been there before. And it’s built on top of a subway station. And I left him there. I said, okay, have at it. Today’s the day. And he had to take a subway several stops down to 34th Street, which everybody knows, miracle. And then he had to take a bus across town. And when he finally got home, which took about an hour, he was just levitating with the excitement of like, he did it, it happened.

Lenore Skenazy [00:09:08]:
He’d finally been let loose and he’d proven himself and he was really happy. And so I wrote a newspaper column about it like months later, ’cause it didn’t strike me as a big deal at the time. But when I needed a column to write, oh my God, what am I gonna write? I’ll write about this subway ride from a couple months ago. So I wrote Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride the Subway Alone, and 2 days later, I was on the Today Show, MSNBC, Fox News, and NPR. And what I heard in all these interviews, and what disturbs me to this day, is that there was no joy, right? It was like, okay, so he did that. That’s wonderful. You seem happy. He seems fine.

Lenore Skenazy [00:09:44]:
But what if he wasn’t? What if he’d been thrown on the tracks? What if he’d been raped and thrown on the tracks? What if he’d been raped and decapitated and thrown on the tracks? And the disturbing thing about that is not all the pictures you get in your head of, you know, that, but the fact that, that the news media was allowed to go to the what-ifs, the very worst what-ifs. And this was treated as a legitimate yin to the yang. He came home fine, he was happy, but what if instead he never came home? And I started recognizing that that’s what our culture does. It fantasizes for some reason about the very worst-case scenarios. And if you’re not doing that too, if you’re not saying, well, I’d like her to walk 2 blocks to the bus stop, but what if in, you know, in those 2 blocks in the quiet suburb, my, you know, 13-year-old who’s, you know, 5’6 tall, is kidnapped by a guy in a white van and I never see her again, so no, I’m not going to let her walk. And that’s a very strange culture that almost relishes thinking of catastrophes that are, thank God, extraordinarily rare. And I— my God, I’ve been writing about this so long, I know what the odds are. If you wanted your kid to be kidnapped by a stranger— do you know this already— how long you’d have to keep them outside for it to be statistically likely that they would be kidnapped by a stranger? Take a guess.

Lenore Skenazy [00:10:57]:
How long would you have to keep your kid outside for them to be kidnapped?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:00]:
Days.

Lenore Skenazy [00:11:01]:
Think higher.

Speaker D [00:11:02]:
Months?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:03]:
Higher. Years?

Lenore Skenazy [00:11:04]:
Higher.

Speaker D [00:11:05]:
Wow.

Lenore Skenazy [00:11:05]:
Yeah, the answer is 750,000 years.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:09]:
Wow.

Lenore Skenazy [00:11:09]:
Yeah, because it’s an extraordinarily rare crime. It’s not extraordinarily rare on TV. It’s pretty darn common on Law Order, you know? But in real life, thank God, it just doesn’t happen. I mean, you know, there are kids who are taken. It’s generally by parents in a custodial dispute, divorced parents. And there are kids who run away. But kids taken by a stranger is one of the rarest of crimes, thank God. And if you’re gonna go and think about the rarest of crimes, or the rarest of tragedies in almost any situation, you, you know, you wouldn’t let your kid get in the car.

Lenore Skenazy [00:11:39]:
You know, there’s drunk drivers out there, there’s bad drivers out there, there’s elderly drivers out there. And you certainly, you wouldn’t let them live in a house with stairs or there’s a bathtub because, you know, once in a while kids fall downstairs or they drown in bathtubs. But the only one we really perseverate on Is the idea of, you know, you turned your head and while you turned your head, your kid was taken from you and you’ll never see him again. And that’s, that’s as weird as if we had a culture that believed that there were giant spiders out there. You know, it’s like, I can’t let my kid out. What about the giant spiders? It’s like, I’m really not too worried about the giant spiders. And it’s like, well, you should be. It’s like, but I’m not.

Lenore Skenazy [00:12:16]:
Well, what if you came— what if you let him ride the subway and he got eaten by a giant spider? I’m like, I’m just not worried. Well, Lenore, I guess you don’t care.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:23]:
You know, from everything I’ve seen, your videos and things like that, it seems like a lot of people often think that free-range kids is about giving kids more freedom.

Lenore Skenazy [00:12:34]:
But it—

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:35]:
from everything I’ve read, it seems like it’s actually more about giving parents permission to trust their children. Tell me more about that.

Lenore Skenazy [00:12:42]:
Well, I think you’ve nailed it. The way I’ve started describing it is that what I was just talking about is what I call the fear loop, which is You know, I’d love to, like I said, you know, let him walk to school. But what if something terrible happened? What if a car jumped up the curb? You know, what if a, you know, man comes along in a van and that would all be my fault and now I’d never see him again and I would— couldn’t live with myself and it would be the end of my marriage. And, you know, I, you know, I’d be at the funeral. And, and you go through this loop, which, as I said, the media has actively cultivated. And the fear loop means that you never get out of it because what if something bad happens? I could never forgive myself, so I won’t let anything happen. The end.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:17]:
Yeah.

Lenore Skenazy [00:13:17]:
It’s sort of the Finding Nemo loop. But there is an alternate loop, which is the trust loop. And the only way you get to the trust loop is through action. And the action is literally letting your kid do something without you. It sounds radical. It’s not radical. Throughout all of human history, this is how children were raised until the advent of tracking and constant supervision. But if you can let your kid walk to the bus stop, go to a friend’s house, play at the park for an hour, run an errand, even if you’re sitting there biting your nails the whole time, even if there’s horrible scenarios running through your brain.

Lenore Skenazy [00:13:51]:
First of all, you’re a parent, you’re going to have horrible scenarios running through your brain because you’re— you, you’ve given birth to a child and now you’re going to worry about them. There’s no such thing as a completely anxiety-free parenting venture. So give that up, live with the anxiety for a little bit. And when the kid comes home and they’re thrilled because they got the ice cream or they met a squirrel or they climbed a tree, or they’re a little shaken because they thought they took a left and then they found themselves on another block and they couldn’t remember where they were and they had to talk to somebody, but now Either way, you’re so proud, right? You’re so proud that, look at, they had a great time, or look at, they problem solved. Parents, I mean, you’re a parent. I’ll ask you, tell me about a time that you can remember when you were most proud of one of your daughters. Like, like, ah, you just love remembering that moment.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:40]:
You know, I think my oldest went away to college about 12 hours away from home. And because she went that far away, she really had to figure things out for herself. And being able to see her be more confident in her abilities, and, and even as a part of that, she, you know, she took a term and she went to Scotland and had to, you know, had to adult. And also as a part of that, she, she went and she backpacked around Europe for 3 weeks by herself. And it was scary at times to be able to think, okay, she’s out in the middle of you know where, and not exactly knowing is she safe or not until she lets us know. But I also was really proud of her for being able to do that.

Lenore Skenazy [00:15:30]:
Yeah, it’s not a but. Let me just pause here. You know, I was scared but also proud. No, those go together, right? I wasn’t there. She had to do something on her own. Look at who I’ve raised, right? This is the joy of parenting that our culture keeps sucking out. Because we’re there at every practice, we drive them to every activity, we’re there helping with the homework. And really, the joy of a child is saying, I did it myself, right? Look at, look at, I did it myself.

Lenore Skenazy [00:15:59]:
And the joy of a parent is they did it themselves. And instead, we’re always there helping and intervening and suggesting and, you know, just hovering. And that’s because our culture has told us as it was telling me, you know, how dare you let your kid do something? What if something terrible happens? We’ve really catastrophized everyday life to the point where kids need us to do anything we think safely or successfully on their own. But when the truth comes in, the truth breaks that fear cycle with this trust cycle of like, I let her go, look what she did. Oh my God, she did get on the wrong train in Edinburgh, or she did, you know, she tried the oysters and then she was sick for 3 days.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:43]:
Okay.

Lenore Skenazy [00:16:44]:
But look, that’s part of life. And look at them blossoming. We don’t get that. It’s, it’s the fun of— well, it’s the fun of seeing your kid after you haven’t seen them for a while. You go like, oh my God, you’re so much taller and you’ve filled out and now you eat broccoli. I mean, all those things are thrilling to a parent. And that’s why when you get down to it, what let grow is about is first of all, letting grow. You let go and then you let grow.

Lenore Skenazy [00:17:09]:
But it’s also about Stepping back, because it’s true of me too, and my kids are in their 20s. When you’re with your kids, you see what they’re doing wrong. Oh, that’s sloppy. That’s a little risky. Oh, use your indoor voice. You know, I wouldn’t do it that way. Here, let me help. It’s just inevitable.

Lenore Skenazy [00:17:26]:
It’s not because you’re a bad parent or a harpy or a helicopter parent. It’s because when you’re with a younger kid and you see them struggling, you, you don’t want to see that. So the only solution is to not see it by not being there. And so Let Grow is dedicated to making it easy for you to not be there for some of your kids’ adventures. And the way we do it is with a program for schools that’s free, free, free, free, um, that’s called the Let Grow Experience, where once a month the kids get a homework assignment that simply says, go home and do something new on your own with your parents’ permission. But without your parents. And then each month there’s a different theme, like do something for your family, do something in the community, do something with a friend. And there’s a list of ideas.

Lenore Skenazy [00:18:14]:
You can climb a tree, you can go to the store, you can bake dinner, you can babysit, walk the dog, whatever it is. Depends on your kid, their age, their interests, the neighborhood. But it’s really just to create that action that I’m talking about, ’cause action breaks the cycle. You’re afraid this’ll be terrible. If you’re really afraid, have 2 kids go out together. Have you and, you know, your friend’s kid go out together. They don’t have to be exactly the same age.

Speaker D [00:18:35]:
Right.

Lenore Skenazy [00:18:36]:
and they can go to the store or they can go get ice cream or, you know, they can have the lemonade stand down the block at the corner where you can’t see them. Our culture has made it just like parents and children are fused at this point. And throughout human history, that, that hasn’t been the case. It’s been a group of mixed-age kids trying to make something happen while the parents are busy basically having more kids or gleaning the oats, right? And instead, we’re there all the time and we separate kids by age and only the 7-year-olds are playing with the and it’s so unnatural. And we wonder, gee, they seem to be a little droopy. They seem to be a little depressed and anxious. It’s like, yeah, because they haven’t eaten. They haven’t eaten this normal life of this rich, this rich banquet of different ages and arguments and exhilaration and exploration.

Lenore Skenazy [00:19:25]:
And we’ve taken that out and we’ve given them travel soccer and they look a little sad. We gotta give it back. Let Grow gives it back in, I’d say, the easiest possible way as a homework assignment.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:35]:
So talk to me a little bit about, for, you do that for schools. Can individual parents also apply access those same resources?

Lenore Skenazy [00:19:42]:
Yeah. So we have the Let Grow Experience is the school version, pre. And then there’s, I think we call it the Let Grow Experience that’s also just for home use, quote unquote. It’s like a game. It’s like a home version of Jeopardy. But the fact of the matter is, you know, one of my Let Grow co-founders, there’s 4 of us, is Jonathan Haidt, who people know because he wrote The Anxious Generation. And he always says, and I think he’s right, that a collective problem needs a collective solution, which is that nobody knows when they can let their kids go out anymore. There was just an Institute for Family Studies survey of 25,000 parents that asked, you probably know this one, right? What age their parents are letting their kids do things in the neighborhood.

Lenore Skenazy [00:20:21]:
And even the parents of 14-year-olds, the majority of them will not let their child, child, 14-year-old, leave the block. Okay? That’s a very constricted childhood and that’s a very constricted adulthood, I would say. So if that’s the going norm, Then if you do a program through the schools and everybody has to send their kid to do something, you know, it could be in the house too if it’s, you know, if everything is very scary outside. But, you know, they could be making pancakes or they could be learning how to clean or something like that or something fun, make cookies and take them out of the oven with using a mitt without mom. But a collective action is easier because everybody’s doing it. You don’t feel weird, you don’t feel crazy. Nonetheless, if your school doesn’t do the Let Grow, experience. First of all, shame on them.

Lenore Skenazy [00:21:08]:
But secondly, you can do it with a friend. You know, you and get— you get another friend and you send your— you’re drinking your Starbucks and you send your kids to the other end of the strip mall to go to the dollar store or go down there and get the bread for dinner from Kroger’s and bring it back. So almost any activity breaks the cycle. And I used to be kind of bummed that sometimes kids let grow experiences, whether it was for school or just, you know, for home, were minor league. You know, I did the dishes. Okay, that’s nice. Or the laundry. That’s good.

Lenore Skenazy [00:21:41]:
You know, it doesn’t take a whole lot to learn how to do the laundry. But what I’ve seen is that it’s just this loosening. It’s just a little loosening. There’s a little bit of pride. There’s a little bit of movement. And then it’s like, Mom, can I please go to the, you know, to the post office 2 blocks away? What’s a post office, Mom? I’ll go there. Right? What are those things? Letters. But But it builds on itself.

Lenore Skenazy [00:22:05]:
So I’d say any movement is better than no movement, and it’s often easier with a friend.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:10]:
What’s some of your favorite stories of, we’ll say, success stories from the movement thus far?

Lenore Skenazy [00:22:16]:
This is the one that I’ve heard this year that I liked the most, which was a mom in Connecticut, mother of a 10-year-old boy, ADHD for what it’s worth. She was so nervous that— this is why I like the story, ’cause it’s almost unbelievable how nervous she was. She’s sort of the apotheosis of what’s happening in the culture in that she said when somebody rang the doorbell, she would tell her, her young son who’s 10 and her older son who was 16, on the ground, get on the ground. It’s, it’s like, because someone’s going to be shooting through the door? And do they not shoot towards the ground? I don’t know. To me, it struck me as just odd, let’s put it that way, or excessive, right? I won’t say crazy, I’ll just say excessive. But she was excessively anxious, and she said she worried about everything. And, and I can understand that. I actually am a worrier, just not about strangers.

Lenore Skenazy [00:23:00]:
But anyways, he comes home, he’s got the Let Grow experience, He’s a 10-year-old. Mom, can I please ride my bike? Okay, yes, you can ride it up and down the block. He’s in Connecticut. Finally, he says, Mom, can’t I please go around the corner? You know, my buddy is around the corner. And she’s like, okay, because she’s been— she’s getting used to it. It’s, you know, there’s, there’s a word in psychology, I think it’s accommodating or whatever it is. She’s getting used to it. So he goes around the corner, gets a friend, and the 2 of them start riding together.

Lenore Skenazy [00:23:25]:
And then number 3 and number 4 and number 5. And by the time the summer rolls around, there’s 10 of them and they call themselves a biker gang.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:32]:
Wow.

Lenore Skenazy [00:23:33]:
And then they’re all over the neighborhood and they’re zooming around. And she said, and when they come to her house, it’s like locusts. They’ll eat, you know, every Pop-Tart and sandwich in the house. But she’s now keeping the door open because the kids could be coming by. And my favorite thing that she did this past winter is she sent me a picture of them when it was freezing temperatures. You know, it was below 32. And there they are, 6 of them, not 10, but 6 of them on their bikes. Because now they have a reason to live.

Lenore Skenazy [00:24:02]:
live. Now he comes home and he throws his backpack on the ground and he eats his lunch or his snack and out he goes with his buddies. And then she wrote a thing in— she’s also an assistant principal— she wrote a little note in the, the school note, you know, whatever it is, the school email about a bullying incident. And I know that parents are very worried about bullying, so let me tell you what happened in this thing, which is that her son finally confessed to that he was being bullied on the bus ride home. And she was like, I can’t believe it. I’m gonna call the school. You know, I’m gonna get out there. That’s so terrible.

Lenore Skenazy [00:24:38]:
Don’t worry, honey. And he says, wait, Mom, no, Mom, Mom, we’re handling it. And by we, he meant his bike buddies. And so what they did is on the bus ride home the next day, 2 of his bike buddies told the bully, you can’t keep being mean to whatever this kid is. Let’s call him Steve. You can’t keep being mean to Steve. You know, that’s just not fair, or, you know, we won’t ever sit with you, or something like that. And the mom wrote in the newsletter, so I gotta believe it’s true, that after that, Steve came to her door, apologized, and asked could he be part of the bike gang.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:25:11]:
I guess as I think about what you’re saying, it really makes me think back to my own childhood because I think that a lot of people my age, we grew up, we left the house at a certain time after— whether it was after school, parents said be home by, you know, Whatever time. And it seems like at some point, you know, things kept getting closing down as we got into being parents ourselves. Things just got narrower and narrower instead of keeping open, like you’re saying. So you talk about what you’re doing and trying to open that back up. What would you say are some things that parents can do from day one, from early on?

Lenore Skenazy [00:25:59]:
A couple of things. Like when kids are really young, and I got this from Eat— what is it? Not Eat, Pray, Love— Hunt, Gather Parent. Let them help. They’re not good helpers. They’re terrible. Things spill more than they get unspilled, right, and cleaned up. But kids are desperate to be part of something, and that something is the family unit, the first community they’re part of. And so don’t thwart that.

Speaker D [00:26:20]:
Yeah.

Lenore Skenazy [00:26:20]:
And then when they’re older, Let them do things for you. This is not advice I had when I was a mom of little kids, and I think it’s really good advice. It’ll take longer, but in the end, you’ll have more helpful kids who sort of look around and think, what should I be doing? How can I be helping? As they get older, anything that they can do for themselves that you’re doing for them, try to let them do them for themselves. There was a great study from Yale where— this came out like 2 years ago— where they took parents who were coming into families that were coming into a A museum in Philadelphia, a children’s museum in Philadelphia. And they assigned them, you know, every other A, B, A, B, A, B. And they told both groups of parents, listen, your kids have to wear a little hockey uniform. These kids were 5. And they told Group A, it’s because they’ll get so into the hockey exhibit.

Lenore Skenazy [00:27:07]:
And they told Group B, they’ll get so into the hockey exhibit. And did you know that every time that they’re struggling with a button or a toggle, that’s actually learning? They’re learning every time they try to do something, even if they’re not doing it well.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:18]:
Yeah.

Lenore Skenazy [00:27:18]:
And then the experimenters clicked how many times they saw the parents intervening to help. And the ones who knew that, who had been told that actually the struggle is the learning, intervened half as much. And that’s just something that I think can help us all if we recognize that trying to do something on their own is actually not just, you know, a stupid waste of time, right? It is their education in the world.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:43]:
Yeah.

Lenore Skenazy [00:27:44]:
that’s very helpful. And then as they get older, just encourage them to do things in the real world, especially if you want them to be off phones some of the time. You have to give them the other world, which is the real world, is at least as interesting as the virtual world. There are places to explore, there are people to meet, there are conquests to be made. And I can’t show you this because this is audio, but when last summer we did a Harris poll asking kids, how do you most want to spend time with your friends? How would you like to spend time with your friends? old school like you were just talking about, 1980s, ’90s style, just hanging out with your friends, no grown-ups, no schedule, or in an organized activity like soccer, ballet, chess, or online. And that could be video games or social media. And the kids said the number one choice was just hanging out, and number 2 was organized activity, and 20 points below hanging out was online. And so we keep thinking Kids are addicted to their phones.

Lenore Skenazy [00:28:43]:
That’s all they care about. No, kids are addicted to each other, right? They want to have fun. They want to flirt. They want to joke. They want to play. And if the only place they can do that is online because we keep not even letting the 14-year-olds go around the corner, well, of course they’re going to be online. I would be too. It’s the only escape route.

Lenore Skenazy [00:29:01]:
So if you can get some of the other parents in your neighborhood to agree, we’re going to send our kids out. And you could start out by saying— we call it Free Play Friday.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:29:08]:
Okay.

Lenore Skenazy [00:29:09]:
Friday afternoons, I’m gonna be sending my kids to the park. You can too. You know, I’m not gonna be watching them, but there’ll be hula hoops and balls and, you know, they’ll be there from 4 to 6. Do that. And I, I just got a, a wonderful email this week from a mom who was doing that. And there’s, you know, 15 kids showed up. So why not do this? Your life becomes better and so does theirs.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:29:30]:
Now, you said in one of your videos, I heard you say this and I, I wanted you to unpack it a little bit. You said that competence builds confidence. Can you explain that idea?

Lenore Skenazy [00:29:42]:
Not only can I explain that idea, I feel like I should give credit where credit is due. I’ve been talking about the same thing for all these years, and then I was talking to a pastor’s wife from Dallas, and she said, when you try something, when you’re trying something in the real world, at first you’re not good at it, whether it’s making the pancakes or building a birdhouse or anything. But as you do it, you become competent. And it is the competence that builds confidence. We all want these confident kids. Confidence doesn’t fall from the sky like mana, right? Confidence comes from like, oh, I can handle that, or, oh, I’ve done something like that before, or, I’ve never tried this, but I did make blah, blah, blah, so let me try this instead. And we think that we can get from no confidence to confidence by saying, you’re wonderful. But kids know, what am I wonderful at? I haven’t done anything.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:30:27]:
Right.

Lenore Skenazy [00:30:28]:
So we just have to step back and let them do things. You know, the Let Grow slogan is, when adults step back, kids step up. And that’s all I’m saying. It’s just a wonderful opportunity for you to see how much they can do and for them to grow in confidence, self-esteem, eagerness, agency, readiness for the world.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:30:46]:
Now, if people want to find out more about Let Grow, where should they go?

Lenore Skenazy [00:30:50]:
First of all, bless them. Secondly, they should come to, guess what? Let Grow. And you know what? Nobody gets the name right, so I’m just going to spell it. it because everyone thinks it’s let’s go or let it grow or let’s get growing, whatever it is, they get it wrong. It is let grow, L-E-T, new word, grow, G-R-O-W. So it’s letgrow.org. And if you want a vaguely easy way to remember it, maybe it’s actually quite hard, I don’t know. It’s let go and let grow was originally our title.

Lenore Skenazy [00:31:19]:
So just let grow is when you— I just heard another story from another mom this week. about a kid who had to get an EEG, which I guess is like an EKG, whatever it was. They’re gonna be like little electrodes stuck all over her. And she was like 10 or 11 years old. And she’d been doing Let Grow through her school, you know, once a month had to do something new. And her mom said, okay, honey, do you want me to come in the room with you? And she said, no, mom, Let Grow. So I thought, yes, right? That’s a score one.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:31:48]:
Now we always finish our interviews with what I call our Dad Connection 6. I usually ask the dads these questions. I’m gonna ask you some questions too. and see, see what you have to say. What’s one word that describes your relationship with your dad?

Lenore Skenazy [00:32:04]:
Warmth.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:32:05]:
What’s the best piece of dad advice you’ve ever received?

Lenore Skenazy [00:32:08]:
Oh, advice from my dad and from my mom. They always said, march to your own drummer.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:32:12]:
As you think about parents, and especially fathers of daughters, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Lenore Skenazy [00:32:24]:
I guess this is going to sound counterintuitive or whatever, but there’s a giant book by a woman named Judith Harris called The Nurture Assumption, which maybe you’ve heard of. And it talks about we can give our kids a lot of love, but we can’t make them into something. We can’t make a physicist. We can’t make a sports lover, as we found out from my own dad. You can’t make a genius. You can’t make a jerk. There’s a lot that’s innate in a kid.

Speaker D [00:32:51]:
Yeah.

Lenore Skenazy [00:32:52]:
And I think that relieves some of the burden on a parent because you can’t make an Einstein and you can’t really screw it up either. And that allows you to just watch the kid unfold.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:33:03]:
Well, Lenore, I just wanna say thank you. Thank you for being here today. Thank you for all that you’re doing to help our kids to let grow and allowing parents to let go and allow for our kids to grow in their own ways. I wish I had had this when my kids were really young. Because I think it would have pushed me in different directions. Because I know that I’ve fallen into some of the pitfalls that other parents fall into when it comes into this. But I think that we’ve done some good things too. But we’ve also made mistakes along the way.

Lenore Skenazy [00:33:34]:
You know what? You are not supposed to be perfect either. If you were perfect, I think a kid would probably turn out horrible if they had perfect parents. Because that’s just like only being given yogurt smoothies for your whole life. It’s like, that’s not right. You have to learn how to chew.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:33:48]:
Definitely the case. None of us are flawless. We’re all humans and we’re going to make mistakes. And I think that what you’re doing is amazing and definitely is going to help our next generation of parents be able to raise kids that are confident in their abilities. So thank you. Keep up the good work. I really appreciate your time and I wish you all the best.

Lenore Skenazy [00:34:09]:
Thank you so much, Christopher.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:10]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of The Dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes at dadanddaughterconnection.com. Until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting, and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Performer [00:34:41]:
We’re all in the same boat. And it’s full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time, we give the lessons, we make the meals, we buy them presents. Bring your A-game, ’cause those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast. Calling astronauts and firemen, Carpenters and muscle men, get out and be in the world too now. Be the best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.

Laughter, Listening, and Lessons: Keys to Raising Confident Daughters

July 6, 2026 by dadofdivas

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

If you’re a dad eager to strengthen your relationship with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’ll want to tune into the latest episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection podcast. This episode dives deep into real stories, practical advice, and genuine reflections on the journey of fatherhood.

Hosted by Dr. Christopher Lewis, this episode welcomes guest Daryle Brown, a retired director of Social Justice and IT at Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, and a father of two adult daughters. What emerges is a warm, honest conversation filled with the kind of wisdom every dad could benefit from.

Consistency and Open Communication:
Dr. Christopher Lewis and Daryle Brown emphasize the importance of being consistently present and level-headed in your daughter’s life (03:03), regardless of the circumstances. Daryle Brown shares how maintaining open channels of communication allowed his daughters to feel comfortable coming to him with anything, even the difficult topics.

Balancing Guidance with Independence:
A recurring theme is the challenge of balancing parental guidance with granting daughters the freedom to make their own choices (06:27). Daryle Brown explains how crucial it is to support, not control, and to accept their individualism—even when their paths or decisions differ from our expectations.

Intentional Engagement:
Being an involved dad is about more than just showing up; it’s about active participation (09:35). Whether attending soccer games or offering life advice, Daryle Brown highlights the impact of being genuinely engaged and available during both the ups and downs.

Listening and Patience:
Another heartfelt takeaway is the power of listening—really listening—before offering advice (15:16). Patience is key, both in conversations and in the natural progression of a child’s growth. Daryle Brown also credits humor and shared laughter as essential elements in building enduring connections.

Lasting Wisdom for Dads:
In his closing advice, Daryle Brown urges dads to be patient, listen deeply, and infuse their relationships with laughter. As he reminds us, “Humor is so critical… it just melts the challenges and the difficulties.”

This episode is packed with down-to-earth insights and encouragement. Subscribe to the “Dad and Daughter Connection” and discover practical ways to show up as the dad your daughter needs. Listen now and keep building those strong, lasting bonds!

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:07]:
I love being able to have you here to gain some hints, some tips, some tricks, some things that you can use right away, to be able to demystify some things and to be able to figure out some ways in which you might be able to adjust what you’re doing, to be able to create those connections. And I do that every week by bringing you different people, people with different experiences that have done fatherhood in different ways. And I love being able to do that because I think all of us can learn even that no matter where we are in this journey of fatherhood. You know, I’ve got two daughters. I know you’ve got daughters, and that’s why this is important. I learned from our guests. I know you do, too. And today we’ve got another great guest.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:51]:
Darrell Brown is with us. And Darrel is someone I’ve known for a number of years. He actually was a guest of a past podcast that I did in the past, and I talked to him about fatherhood then, but we’re going to be talking it more. Darrell just retired as the director of Social justice and IT for Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago and now is living on a farm. So a little bit different and different experiences, but I’m really excited to be able to talk to him, catch up and talk a little bit more about his own journey with his daughters. Darrell, thanks so much for being here today.

Daryle Brown [00:02:24]:
Thank you. It’s a pleasure.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:25]:
Well, I’m really excited to be able to have you here today. And I guess I know you’ve got two daughters. They’re adults now and doing Their things. And I know that they’ve some really amazing things happening in their lives. I’d love to have you think back to your relationship with your daughters and what’s one of the most meaningful moments that you’ve been able to share with your daughters and what made it so special?

Daryle Brown [00:02:47]:
Well, I think that it’s hard to gauge a moment that was just life changing, so to speak. I think what’s been more important in the relationship I have with my daughters is consistency. Them understanding that they could pretty much talk to me about anything, being level headed. When you hear things that may not exactly be along the path that you may want them to go or have them thinking along the lines that you want them to be thinking and to be able to accept their individualism. I think that’s kind of the tone that I’ve taken with them over the years. And it’s worked to the extent that we still communicate very openly, very freely when alcohol or marijuana, those types of things. When my children decided to experiment, so to speak, it was not something that they did secretively. I took my girls out for their first drinks.

Daryle Brown [00:03:38]:
Well, not really, but it was supposed to be that way. I remember now this is my baby daughter, Kamara, my youngest daughter, so she’s 31 now, I think. And I remember her coming to town because she was in college, out of town, she came to town and I remember finding her id, her drinking eligible ID that wasn’t real and being just terribly concerned because what if you get caught with two driver’s licenses and you get pulled over? What kind of damage is that going to do to your whole life? And of course she minimizes, she was like, oh dad, you know, it’s no big deal, everybody does it, blah blah, blah, blah, blah. But for me it was, it was very concerning. It was a prayer moment because I know how the system can react to these types of situations and you never know how deep that rabbit hole is going to run. So needless to say, she grew out of that. She’s always been brilliant and that has come to play through these later years. And I think I may have mentioned to you she just defended her dissertation at Harvard and we’ll be going to the graduation in a few weeks.

Daryle Brown [00:04:43]:
So she turned out all right, even though that was a pretty scary moment. But you have those occasions when they will surprise you and not necessarily understand all the ramifications of decisions that they’re making. So my older daughter’s actually been married. She was married for five years and she’s been probably divorced for five years now, maybe longer. We had a interesting. I wouldn’t call it traumatic situation. Again, these things affect me more than they affect them sometimes. So when she was going through her divorce, she didn’t tell anybody? Well, she didn’t tell me there were people that knew her sister, knew my wife’s best friend, Cynthia, knew she had support in that portion of her life, and it just wasn’t me.

Daryle Brown [00:05:29]:
And I don’t think my wife either. And when she finally told us the dirty deed was done, paperwork was signed, it was, like, over. And I think part of it was that she thought that we might try to talk her out of it. And again, that’s my trying to understand why she didn’t tell us about what she was going through at the time. But at any rate, you know, it happened. There were no children involved, so it was pretty much a clean split. I was pretty sad because I liked him, but of course I liked him based on the relationship that he and I had. I wouldn’t have liked him if I had known the relationship that he and my daughter were having.

Daryle Brown [00:06:03]:
So that was. I don’t know if these were monumental or as you had described it earlier. Hopefully they kind of fit in the.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:10]:
Sure. And one of the things that I know, I mean, is that you’ve been busy in your career, and you’ve had lots of different things that you’ve done in your career. You’ve been a busy person, and there’s been lots of things that you’ve balanced as a professional, as a, you know, personally, in your own life, et cetera, and as a father, you have to balance. So talk to me about balance. And how did you balance not only what you were doing, but really how did you balance guiding your daughters while also giving them the independence to grow into the people that they became?

Daryle Brown [00:06:38]:
Well, Christopher, it starts with having a good partner. And even though my wife was a career person also, I think early in our marriage, she probably did a lot more with and for the kids than I did. I think I probably got better once we moved to Chicago. Part of the stress was a lot of travel. I did a lot of travel on my job, but we made it through. And I certainly tried to give my kids the attention that I could when we were together. When I was around, I may have been busy with work, but I wasn’t super busy with other stuff. So it was like, yeah, I was busy with work, but I was pretty family focused.

Daryle Brown [00:07:17]:
So, I mean, that helped, I think. I think church helped. The fact that we regularly attended church. As a family, our church happened to have a good child children’s church. So we had that going for us. It was a bit of a challenge moving to Chicago away from family, because, as I may have mentioned before, we moved to Chicago when my youngest daughter was like 2 and my older daughter was maybe 9. So that moving away from the whole support structure that we had in Detroit, lots of family, lots of friends, to a new city, that created a bit of stress, but it also, I think, created a bond. We were very, very lucky to have great neighbors, both on one side of us and behind us, with kids the same age as my younger daughter.

Daryle Brown [00:08:21]:
So that that helped very well. We discovered a wonderful Montessori school for my younger daughter that was a great contributor to kind of a steadiness in. In her life. So a lot of different pieces have to come together. And Christopher, I’ll tell you, the reality is we were very fortunate that we were financially pretty well off. Not rich, but, you know, pay a lot for the bricks in Oak park, so we could afford to live in Oak Park. They have very good schools there. They have an incredible.

Daryle Brown [00:08:56]:
I guess I’ll call it a recreation department for the township. We have two beautiful facilities with pools, and they’ve added things since. I’ve kind of aged out of that group. But, I mean, it was a great town to raise a family. So that’s another thing that went very well. Very fortunate. Between church and picking a good town to live in. Very fortunate.

Daryle Brown [00:09:14]:
I don’t take for granted the fact that we could afford to do it.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:17]:
Every father has to really think about the things that they’re doing to be able to build those bonds. And this show’s all about creating those strong bonds. What are some intentional ways that you worked, either in the past or even currently, to strengthen your bond with your daughters, especially during those challenging times?

Daryle Brown [00:09:35]:
First of all, you got to be participatory. If the girls play soccer, you got to go to soccer games, you got to be there. You got to be yelling on the sideline. And more importantly, don’t get me in trouble on this. You have to be able to give them that additional coaching that the coach may not give them. So there was this one team, and this is a soccer league. They were just incredible. They had great players at every position.

Daryle Brown [00:09:59]:
They had speed, they had attitude. And the attitude was the part where I had to coach my daughter. Now, I don’t know if you’re familiar with the concept of playing the dozens. Have you ever heard about playing the dozens? That’s kind of an African American community thing. And it’s when you talk about people’s parents. So my daughter was complaining about how these girls are always talking about us, but I can’t hardly get my head wrapped around it. And I said, next time she does that, you just look her in the eye and say, your mama, and keep it moving. So, you know, sometimes your teachings are a little unorthodox.

Daryle Brown [00:10:32]:
And mom was not happy. Mom was not happy about it. But the reality is, it’s something that me and. Me and Kamara still laugh about today because it worked. You know, it’s just kind of shocking. Just like, what did she just say? So, yeah, I taught my daughter how to play the dozens. I’m not proud, but it happened. So just to say, though, the point of it is, you got to be engaged to the point where, you know, they tell you what’s going on, they tell you their ups and their downs, and they seek your counsel.

Daryle Brown [00:11:01]:
And sometimes the coaches can get them through it, but sometimes the parents have to kind of boost them. Now, I. I will say one of my disappointments was when Kamara was about to move from green belt to brown belt in karate and instead said, dad, I’m done with karate. And that was it. She never went back to another class. And I. I had lots of conversation about it, and nope, didn’t work a comparable thing for my older daughter, Nia. So I don’t know if this is great communications, but when she was going to college, decisions.

Daryle Brown [00:11:37]:
So she had decided that she wanted to go to Boston College. And the reason why was that Boston College, as it had a great international relations program, and she was talking about international relations, they had lots of opportunities to travel abroad, and my wife and I relented, and it was outside of our range, but we said, okay, this is going to be great for you. This is what you want to do. And so she’s up there at orientation, and she’s calling home, just kind of check in, blah, blah, blah. And she says, oh, and I changed my major to psychology. And I’m like, psychology, psychology. Every school in the country has a psychology program. So she ended the conversation with, dad, you ruining my best day ever.

Daryle Brown [00:12:20]:
So I like to tell you I work my way out of that, but I didn’t. She was mad at me for some time, but. So all the communications we do are not necessarily going to bear fruit.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:32]:
No, they’re not. They’re not. They’re definitely not all going to bear fruit, as you mentioned. And none of us are infallible. We are human. And we make mistakes. I guess, as you think about fatherhood for yourself and raising your daughters and even, or even today with adult daughters, what’s a mistake that you’ve made as a father? And what did you learn about it from. No.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:55]:
And what did you learn from it about fostering a positive connection with your daughters?

Daryle Brown [00:13:02]:
I don’t know if I list this as a mistake, but this past Christmas, we vacationed in Jamaica with my older daughter’s partner and his family, and things were going great. We had a great time. But the roads on this particular island were loaded with potholes. And so we’re driving. I don’t know, we may have been driving to the airport with the rental car, and my daughter was in the front seat, my Navigator, but she kept trying to tell me where to drive on the road. You’re too close to the center. You’re too close to the edge. You’re too close to this.

Daryle Brown [00:13:32]:
And we got into basically a screaming match to the point where when we finally got to the airport, I was like, just get out. And we ended up as. I don’t know what exactly went wrong, but we ended up missing our flight and having to reschedule. And as far as I was concerned, it was her fault. And I was like, don’t, don’t. I won’t talk to you. And I would say that the lesson learned is give it time. Because we were a heated argument, we’re fussing at each other.

Daryle Brown [00:13:59]:
We don’t want to speak to each other anymore, and we didn’t for, I don’t know, two, three weeks maybe. Eventually, we talked again. We didn’t go back into this conversation, however. We just picked it back up, you know, So I don’t know how great that advice is. It would just be, hey, sometimes you just got to let it go. There’s not going to be a person that’s right or a person that’s wrong, and you just have to, you know, just have to move on. And that’s okay, too. It’s okay not to define who was

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:24]:
right as you think about your daughters, too. Every one of us, as fathers, have to find ways to be able to show our daughters that they are valued and heard. What did you do intentionally to help your daughters to feel that they truly were valued and heard?

Daryle Brown [00:14:41]:
Well, I have a background in restorative justice practices, but that came later. I think I’ve just been fortunate to have been in situations and places where listening was important. In rj, certainly listening is important. My wife and I participated in a Program, I don’t know, 40 years ago, maybe 35 years ago, where we went into schools and we taught. I say taught, but it was kind of an enrichment type program in struggling schools. And as part of that, one of the important components was learning to listen and hearing people. And there are lots of other things to it, and a lot of those we implemented in how we raised our own children. But I think the important thing is being able to hear them out.

Daryle Brown [00:15:26]:
Before you offer up your life wisdom, you’ll be surprised at what you’ll learn. I think being available to listen. I think my daughters have always felt like they could talk to dad, that there was no subject that they couldn’t broach with me. I mean, I. I’ve been in lots of conversations about boyfriends. I certainly would tell them if a boyfriend rubbed me the wrong way, but for the most part, I let them have their own age appropriate experiences, I would say. And I think that’s worked pretty well. They’re going to make their mistakes with their relationships.

Daryle Brown [00:15:57]:
I made a few myself. So I think I lucked out and found a good gal. And we celebrated 40 years of marriage last year. So as she reminded me recently, when I came down here, before we were married, we came down to the farm, this is the farm that we’re living at now, to meet Uncle Fred and Ahmaud and help them celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. And my wife was like, this is how we do it in my family. So that’s been a mantra of ours that we’re shooting for 75 years.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:26]:
That would be an amazing milestone for you.

Daryle Brown [00:16:30]:
40 is good for me too. Now it’s a matter of living right, eating right. Let me tell you, this farm life, I’ve only been doing it for maybe four weeks, really being here all the time. And it’s a great exercise program.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:45]:
I can only imagine. Now, I know both of your daughters are very different people. They went off and are doing very unique things, different than each other, and had different dreams, passions. Talk to me about how you supported your daughters in pursuing those dreams and passions.

Daryle Brown [00:17:05]:
I think you just have to be there on the. During the down times, when things are going great for them, all you have to do is ride along. But when things aren’t going great, when they’re stressing out about tests or milestones and things that need to come up, being able to talk them back from the edge with confidence, understanding that no matter what happens, it’s not the end of the world. But at the end of the day, you got this. You’ve got a whole history of success behind you. There’s no reason in the world that you should be stressing yourself out about whatever comes next. I mean, it’s just another step. I’ve had those phone calls when they were both of them on their own paths where they were just not feeling it.

Daryle Brown [00:17:47]:
I think that Camara, when she was working her way through her PhD, she took a year off. And some of my friends that had been through programs like that said that sometimes that’s good. Of course, as a parent, your concern is that they’re never going back. This is the end of the road. Not the kind of stuff I would ever share with her. I may have negative thoughts creeping in my head, but I would not share that. My conversations with her were always supportive and uplifting. And you can do this and just stick to it, take some time off, get your head together and then get back to it and you’ll be fine.

Daryle Brown [00:18:18]:
Similarly, Nia had her struggles when she was in law school. Law school is a burden. And a lot of it they do on purpose. You know, it’s a weeding out process and we managed our way through it. But I think for us parents, we need to be able to bear some of that internally and not necessarily be in that same rhythm. When they’re down. We can’t be down with them. We have to be that positive, that positive notion that kind of brings them up a little.

Daryle Brown [00:18:45]:
You’re not going to necessarily bring them from a depression of getting a C minus on one of your law school papers. You’re not gonna bring them up immediately, but you need to stay positive. I think that’s the moral of the story. As parents, we need to stay positive. They don’t need the pressure of us leaning too hard on them. We need to be able to help them get back on an even keel and not be down there waddling in the mud with them.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:09]:
One of the other questions that I wanted to ask goes down to, and this could be from the past or currently, is what’s one way that you show your daughters that they can always count on you?

Daryle Brown [00:19:20]:
I think that unfort I’m not as good at this with my wife as I am with my daughters, is not overreacting, not getting out of phase, not getting angry, not showing anger, being able to maintain that equanimity. I think that’s important. They have to be able to know when they come to you with something that they know is going to piss you off, that you’re not going to go over the edge about it and that you’re going to be able to deal with them and deal with the conversation or whatever the struggle or helping them with a solution that you’re going to be able to do that without overreacting. I think that’s a very important thing and not easy, not easy to always master. And as I said, you know, it’s okay to walk away sometimes if you feel yourself going over the edge, because I don’t know how many chances a child gives you if you continually go over the edge, yelling, screaming, cussing, fussing, whatever. I don’t know how many chances you get if that’s going to be your reaction, because pretty soon they’re going to seek other people to. To get that kind of counsel. So that would be a caution for parents, especially young parents.

Daryle Brown [00:20:23]:
You can’t be jumping edge every time they do something that makes you mad. They’re kids now.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:27]:
We always finish our interviews with what I like to call our dad connection. 66 more questions to delve a little bit further into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Daryle Brown [00:20:35]:
I’m ready.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:35]:
What’s one word that describes your relationship with your daughters?

Daryle Brown [00:20:39]:
I’m struggling between warm and humorous.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:41]:
What’s the best piece of dad advice that you ever received?

Daryle Brown [00:20:46]:
You know, I think that for me, I grew up in a relatively complicated dad orientation. I had a genetic father, I had an adopted father, and then I had a stepfather. So I had three men that could be framed as dads. And I would say that the lessons, the lessons I learned from my stepfather and the kindness that he displayed to my mother and me, his own children, to some degree, that is a model that I’ve used. So I don’t know how that fits your question, but I have more of a model that guides me than anything else. Else.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:23]:
What’s one activity that you and your daughters love to do together? And it could be different for each daughter.

Daryle Brown [00:21:30]:
Cook.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:31]:
If you could give your daughters one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?

Daryle Brown [00:21:35]:
Take time to have fun. And we do.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:38]:
What’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself since becoming a dad?

Daryle Brown [00:21:42]:
I think I’ve learned how to be patient. I’ve learned how things don’t happen right away. And by the way, daughters helped me learn that. Gardening helped me learn that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:51]:
And finally, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Daryle Brown [00:21:59]:
First of all, be patient with them. Listen, have fun. Laugh. Oh, my God. Laugh. That’s. That’s critical. My daughters and I, we laugh.

Daryle Brown [00:22:08]:
We have fun together and we laugh a lot. Everybody can’t be a comedian and my wife will tell you that I crack myself up. But definitely humor is so critical in any relationship. It just melts the challenges and the difficulties and the differences. So have fun with each other.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:24]:
Well, Daryl, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being here today. Thank you for sharing all that you have shared. If people want to find out more about you, where should they go?

Daryle Brown [00:22:32]:
Oh boy. You know, I’m. I’m retired and I’m just kind of building my socials in a new direction. So I would say just send me an email for now. Darrell D A R Y L e q@gmail.com my link tree is justice work.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:49]:
Well, I truly appreciate you sharing that. We’ll make sure to put links in the notes today. And as I mention mentioned, I really appreciate your time. I wish you the best in your farming journey and I look forward to hearing more about what this journey brings.

Daryle Brown [00:23:04]:
I’ll be tapping into you when I get some stuff going. I got a few things. I got eight trees planted. By the way, it’s a hell of a lot harder to plant a tree than you think. I got some big pots, I got some wildflowers, little things because I got whole fields I got to worry about. But we’ll get to that. Next Thursday we’re going to start the cultivating and the tilling and. And it’s a farmer’s life for me.

Daryle Brown [00:23:23]:
Oh, that’s a pirate’s life. Oh, I missed it. Wrong one. Christopher, wonderful. Thank you so much for inviting me on. It’s been a pleasure.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:33]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of the dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being, being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes@dadanddaughterconnection.com until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Outro Performer [00:24:03]:
We’re all in the same boat and it’s full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time, we give the lessons, we make the meals, we buy them presents and bring your A game. Cause those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world you down Be the best dad you can be Be the best dad you can.

Toddler Wisdom: Parenting Lessons from Dr. Hasan Merali

August 4, 2025 by dadofdivas

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

If you’re a father looking to deepen your relationship with your daughter and embrace all the wonder (and chaos) of parenthood, the latest episode of the “Dad and Daughter Connection” is a must-listen. This week, Dr. Christopher Lewis sits down with Dr. Hasan Merali, a pediatric emergency medicine doctor, researcher, and author, for an insightful conversation that flips the script on how we view toddlers—and offers practical ways dads can cultivate meaningful bonds with their daughters.

Beneath the Tantrums: What Toddlers Can Teach Us

Toddlerhood is too often painted as a stormy sea of tantrums and “why” questions, but Dr. Merali’s experience—as both a physician and a dad—reveals something different: young children are bursting with curiosity, resilience, empathy, and joy. Drawing from his new book, Sleep Well, Take Risks, Squish the Peas: Secrets from the Science of Toddlers for a Happier, More Successful Way of Life, Dr. Merali explores how toddlers’ natural enthusiasm and openness hold powerful lessons for adults.

He urges parents to recognize that tantrums are fleeting (just a few minutes a day!)—what really fills children’s time is laughing, learning, loving, and connecting. By tuning into these moments, dads can nurture strong, joyful relationships with their daughters.

Building Bonds Through Presence and Play

One standout theme from the episode is the value of intentional time together. Dr. Merali shares how his paternity leave—six months spent at home during the pandemic—allowed him and his daughter to connect without distractions. He also discusses family traditions, like a soothing bedtime routine and regular father-daughter hikes, that help anchor their relationship even during life’s busy or challenging seasons.

Crucially, Dr. Merali encourages dads to embrace play—rediscover what you loved as a child and share that joy with your daughter, whether it’s music, sports, or just being silly together. Kids thrive off connection and fun, and those experiences build trust that lasts.

Raising Confident, Curious Daughters

The conversation delves into giving children space to struggle, fail, and try again—because confidence is built through doing, not just succeeding. Dr. Merali reminds dads to maintain a sense of curiosity, to model positive self-talk, and to let their daughters take (safe) risks, developing independence one small step at a time.

If you want both encouragement and actionable strategies for being the dad your daughter needs, tune into this episode. It’s a heartfelt reminder that the best parenting wisdom might come from the littlest voices in our lives.

Listen to the full episode at Dad and Daughter Connection and start building an even stronger bond today.

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
If you’re looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’re in the right place. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we’ll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let’s get started, because being a great dad isn’t just about being there, it’s about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection, where every week we have a great opportunity to be able to work on those connections that we want to have with our daughters. I love being able to talk to you every week and coming back every week to talk about this important relationship that we have with our daughters and the important journey that we all have to be on to be able to build an even stronger relationship, building stronger connections with our daughters. That’s why every week I try to bring you different people, people with different experiences, different journeys that can talk to you about their own journey, but also some tools for your own toolbox and help you along the path.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:35]:
This week we got another great guest. Dr. Hasan Merali is with us and Dr. Merali is an Associate professor in the Department of pediatric at McMaster University and a pediatric emergency medicine physician at McMaster Children’s Hospital in Hamilton, Ontario. He received his medical degree from Harvard Medical School and a Master of Public Health degree from Johns Hopkins. And his research from focuses on child injury prevention in low and middle income countries. He’s published more than 25 peer reviewed journal articles. He has a brand new book that we’re going to be also talking about today called Sleep well, Take Risks, Squish the Peas, Secrets from the Science of Toddlers for a happier, more successful way of life.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:23]:
I’m really excited to have him here and to welcome him to the show. Hasan, thanks so much for being here today.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:02:29]:
Yeah, thanks for having me. Great to be here.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:31]:
It is my pleasure. Love having you here. And first and foremost, I want to talk to you a little bit about your own journey as a dad and especially a dad to a daughter. And I guess as you think about the time that you’ve been able to spend with your daughter thus far, what is one of the most meaningful moments that you’ve been able to share with Your daughter thus Far.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:02:49]:
You know, there are so many that come to mind. We had a very special bonding experience. Kind of unique. Number one, because I live in Canada and I’m very fortunate, I was able to take a paternity leave and I took six months off with her. So I was off when she was six months to one year. And that was also the first year of the pandemic. And so everything was pretty much shut down. My wife and I are both essential workers.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:03:10]:
So she was back at work, and Aria and I just had that time alone for six months and we didn’t have anywhere to go. And it was just the two of us @ home. So we had a very, very special bonding experience. And I think what really came out of that is the fun that we can have day to day. And one of the things I talk about and write about is how much young children love to laugh. And I think that’s just this special moment in time that we had those six months kind of continue daily where she is making me laugh every day. And I’m trying to make her laugh just as much, but she certainly is a funnier person. And I think that’s the special moment that continues on each day for us.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:46]:
Now, I know your daughter’s still young and she’s still becoming her own person, but as she’s getting older, she’s probably asking more questions, starting to get into that why phase of things. How do you balance the idea that you want to guide your daughter while also giving her the independence to grow into her own person?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:04:05]:
I really encourage that why question. And it’s just an important part of early childhood development and how little kids can learn at actually a much faster rate than most of us. And so. And I often don’t know the answer, and that’s okay. And I want her to teach her that. It’s an important question to ask, but it’s also okay if we don’t know the answer. And my job, I think, as a dad, is to instill that in her and maintain that curiosity, but also give her the tools of how we’re going to look things up. And so, you know, for example, one of the ways, a really great way is the library.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:04:37]:
And so we try to make it every week, but I’ll say every two weeks for sure, to the library, where we’re getting books on topics that she’s interested in or that she just becomes interested as she’s walking around and go through that. And so I really want to instill that curiosity, learning how do we get the answer Reading as part of that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:52]:
You talked about the fact that you got to spend that quality time with your daughter at an early age during COVID And I guess as you think about either those times or where you are today, what are some intentional ways you’ve worked to strengthen your bond with your daughter, especially during times that might not be the easiest, maybe those challenging times?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:05:14]:
Yeah, I think one of the ways that I’ve done that, you know, I live in a larger city. There’s just a large mass of people who live between Toronto and Hamilton, and I’m a part of that. But I didn’t grow up in. In a large city. I grew up in a very small town, a lot of wilderness in Northern Ontario. So one of the things that I tried to do more with her is take her out into nature. And we know all the health benefits for young kids as they’re developing, but also for adults as well. And so we try to go on hikes, which we can get to about 30 minutes away.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:05:42]:
And then at least two, three times a year, just her and I, without mom will go away out into cabins without electricity or running water, and we go canoeing and do a little bit of fishing. We use propane stoves. And that’s really nice because there’s no technology either. And I think that’s, yeah, for me, the best times of the year.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:02]:
Now, every one of us has to learn along the way. We’re not always going to be perfect. There’s going to be mistakes. There’s going to be things that we do that we look back on and say, why did I do that? What’s a mistake you’ve made as a father, and what did you learn from it about fostering a positive connection?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:06:20]:
I think one of the biggest mistakes certainly that I’ve made and I. And I see this in a lot of parents now that I’ve gone through the data, is jumping in when they’re struggling with something. I mean, there are certain things that she’s for right now, so she’s just not going to be able to do, and that’s fine. But there are a lot of other things where she needs to have that struggle and get to a point where she wants to ask for help or try to learn and figure out new ways to do things. And that point of where you jump in is sometimes far too early as a parent, when you’re trying to help them along, when you see them struggling or trying to work something out. And so that is something that I’ve really had to just watch and Observe her. She knows that I’m there. She knows that I’m there to support her.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:07:04]:
But I’m not actually going to do the thing for her until she’s given that a good shot or asked specifically for help.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:10]:
Now, you just mentioned the fact that you show her that you are there. What’s one way that you tangibly show your daughter that she can always count on you?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:07:20]:
Yeah. So one of the things, and she’s very. She asks about this is about schedule. And so, you know, she’s at the age where schedules become very important to her. And she has a little calendar. And so we can map out not too far in the future, but maybe a week or so. And so I am going to show her for that week and for that day of when we’re going to be together. And so she kind of has her school routine.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:07:43]:
You know, I work in the er, so I’m not always there in the evenings. Like this evening, I won’t be there. So I just make it very clear to her that, you know, today I won’t be there. It’ll be mom, but then tomorrow I will be picking you up. And we will do X, Y, Z. We have her in a few activities and that we’re going to do those things together. And I think that schedule and understanding on what day, at least today and tomorrow, what’s happening, where I’m going to be and where I’m going to be for her is important. And that really works well for her.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:10]:
Talking about schedule, that leads to really traditions. Right. And routines, as you said, beyond what you just said in regard to that daily schedule, what’s a tradition that you’ve created thus far that you’ve created together that strengthens your bond?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:08:27]:
Yeah, I think the most important one. And I actually wrote an article about this now. I’ll put it in the. In the show notes. I’ll send it to you because I think it’s really important and adaptable for adults, too. And that’s the sleep routine. It’s this toddler preschooler sleep routine that we do together every night. Takes about 45 minutes, an hour total.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:08:46]:
But it really helps us down and connect together at the end of each night that I’m there. And so what that means is about an hour before bedtime, we take a bath. After the bath time, we do some type of hygiene activity. Usually for her, it’s flossing and brushing. And then always before bed, we go through a book. And it doesn’t have to be any particular book. It can be one of her favorites. It can be one of the new ones that we’ve got from the library.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:09:11]:
But that time spent reading and that daily tradition of this is the bedtime routine before and mom is involved as well, I think really helps us bond and helps her get to sleep better and helps me get to sleep better because I do something similar a few hours later when I go to bed.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:28]:
Now, I mentioned the fact that you have a new book called Sleep well, Take Risks, Squish the Peas, Secrets from the Science of Toddlers for a Happier, More Successful Way of Life. And I also, in your bio, I talk about all the different hats. You’re wearing many hats as a pediatric ER doctor, a researcher, and now an author, as well as a dad, husband, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So talk to me about the journey and what inspired you to write this book.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:09:58]:
Yeah, so I’m very fortunate that I day to day get to work with children. And I’ve been in pediatrics for about 15 years. And these young children in particular, and I focus on this magical age between 1 and 5 toddlers and preschoolers, they just think in such a different way and they do things so differently. And I’ve had such so many positive experiences with them. And then I look at kind of the media and what’s portrayed about toddlers, and I just see Tantrum, tantrum, Tantrum, and then something else, and then Tantrum. And that just doesn’t do them justice, and it’s just not who they are. And so this book really came out of what do I want to show the world about who these people really are? You know, tantrums last. We know this from the data, and if we look at the data, a median time of one to three minutes.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:10:43]:
So that means, you know, half of them are less than that time, half of them are more. It’d be very rare to get to 10 minutes and very rare to get to 15. But let’s say that’s true. 15 minutes. They’re awake for 12 to 13 hours a day. So what are they doing all of the other times? You know, they’re making connections, they’re learning, they’re laughing, they’re doing all these wonderful things. And when I dove deeper into the data on this, the way they live their lives actually maps perfectly well onto a lot of the adult wellness literature. And people just focus on toddler tantrums and what we need to do for them.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:11:14]:
I wanted to flip the script completely. And so my book doesn’t have anything to do with parenting. It is Wonderful for parents because they’ll get it, I think. But it is all the lessons that young children can teach us. And I really wanted to make sure that people know that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:29]:
We’ve already talked about the fact that your daughter Aria is between 4 and 5 right now. And so she’s right in the middle of the toddler and preschool years and getting toward the school years. So talk to me about that interplay of being a dad and how that. And also a doctor, and working with all these other kids in your professional practice, and how that influenced your research and writing.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:11:57]:
So she actually pops up quite a bit in the book because I started this book during the pandemic as well. The book proposal and my actual writing was between when she was between one and two, two and a half. So it actually occurred when she was at that age. And so I was able to pull in a lot of stories from her at that time, as well as a lot of my experience working with children in the ER as well. You know, one of my favorite stories and I and I write about this is the number of times I’ve been with young children who have had to fast because of me. I’ve told them to because they have belly pain and we have to do blood work, ultrasound, all of these things to them. And it’s been several hours that they haven’t eaten. And most of the time, good, they’re okay, they can eat.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:12:39]:
I tell the parents that the parents are ready with their favorite snack. It’s always some type of cracker, usually goldfish, something else. And they give this child these crackers. And they look at me, they’re able to tell just by my face somehow that I haven’t eaten. Also in six or seven hours. And, you know, multiple times it’s happened where they’ll just give me a cracker. I don’t even have to ask for it. Or they’ll take a couple and then offer it to me, or they’ll lick one and give it to me.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:13:02]:
And they’re just so kind and generous that these types of interactions really, really helped me put this all together. And I’ll say, just on kindness, hands down with the 20 years, I’d say of research I kind of dug through to write this. I don’t think there’s anyone kinder than young children.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:18]:
Let’s go a little bit deeper on that, because you do talk in the book about the fact that toddlers do show that pure empathy and kindness toward others. How can parents nurture and maintain those qualities as their kids grow older?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:13:34]:
Yeah. So I think one of the main ways, because kids naturally have this, as I mentioned, finding ways to give back or to helping them maintain that. So I think the easiest in some ways, but hard because it requires time, is some type of volunteer work. You know, every one of us and every little child has some cause that is very meaningful to them, whether that’s taking care of pets, whether that’s taking care of elderly people, something. So I think if that can be made into a family activity where there is some type of volunteer work and maybe it can be a structured thing where you’re going every week and that’s amazing, or maybe it can just be an informal thing where that’s happening once a month when you’re able to, is I think one of the ways that we can maintain their need and want to always be kind to others and make themselves feel happy from doing those activities.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:14:26]:
You know, earlier you talked about the importance of connection for toddlers and building those deep connections with others around them, whether it be parents or other kids or things like that. What do you think that fathers can learn from their about strengthening the father daughter bond?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:14:46]:
I think one of the ways that we can do that, and my daughter reminds me about how I can do this all the time, is with play. And you know, it requires no data to know that kids love to play more than adults do. And it’s something they inject into their lives all the time. And the older, the older we get, it kind of drops away. But there’s a lot of good research with adults that it actually helps us feel more relaxed, it makes us more fun to be around and more fun for the other person and all these wonderful benefits. So I would just encourage people to have that play in their lives. And one of the things I found that has helped me is to think about what are the things that I used to like to do when I was younger and kind of bring that to my daughter. So when I was really thinking back, one of the things I did when I was maybe in elementary school was play drums.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:15:38]:
And that was something a lot of fun for me. And so modified that and found a hand drumming class recently and started learning how to do play hand drums. And I’m fortunate that my parents are from East Africa and they have a large collection of hand drums that they don’t use, they’re just on display. But we picked these up, I gave one to my daughter and after I’ve learned a few beats, I’ve come home and kind of showed her a little bit. And this is one way where something fun for me that was meaningful for me as a childhood I can bring to my daughter. And I think that would be a great way for dads to introduce something new, but also to remember what it was like to be a child as well yourself.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:12]:
I love that. And I know earlier I talked about that your daughter was at that age where I’m sure you’re getting a lot of the why, why, why. And they ask ton. Toddlers ask hundreds of questions a day. But the interesting piece is as you look at kids as they grow older, as you look at adults, so many adults hesitate to even ask one question in a meeting. So how do you feel that dads can encourage their kids to keep that natural curiosity alive as they get older and as they grow?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:16:43]:
Yeah, it’s such an important question and I’m glad you asked it. I have a whole chapter in my book dedicated to this about asking because it’s such an incredible thing that they’re able to do. And as you said, over time we just go over this like XY graph cliff of how many questions we ask. You know, if toddlers are left to themselves and they’re recorded, this is in studies, they can ask 107 per hour. It’s really incredible how many questions they’re just able to ask. And interestingly that they’re getting to the answer faster what they need to know. And that’s something important for us. But the other reason that they ask questions and that we should be asking questions, especially follow up questions, is that it is an incredible relationship building tool and that’s really born out in the data with adults as well.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:17:28]:
And so I think both ways, like encouraging your child to keep asking those questions and just doing everything you can to not get annoyed with those and realizing that they are doing it for a couple of different reasons. And then you yourself being inspired by them, because I think they’re inspiring people to ask more questions of not just them, but other people around you, especially at work or in other types of two adult relationships. Because that’s what actually has shown to make us more likable as well.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:17:55]:
I know that in the book you also highlight the way toddlers take risks without overthinking it. How can parents balance risk taking while still ensuring safety?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:18:08]:
Yeah, it’s a tough one and it’s a really, really good question because as a pediatric ER doctor, I see both ends of the spectrum. I see the absolute worst of it and I see all the minor injuries. And so most importantly, we have to make sure car Safety and pool safety and safety around ingestions, pills is there people they have to be in the correct car seat, there have to be four walls around pools and medications have to be locked up. But you know, most injuries around kids happen on the playground because they’re just out there, they’re enjoying themselves, they’re trying to do new things, they’re developing gross motor skills and they’re going to have falls and they have falls and they have cuts. And a lot of what I do with young children is fixing fractures and fixing cuts that they have and suturing them up. And I think it’s really, really important that we let kids on the playground scenario really just play and we don’t have to hover around them. We know from years and years of data that the vast majority of injuries that kids get in the playground setting are minor injuries. And we can fix almost all of them.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:19:10]:
And then we’ve gotten to the point where we’re just hovering over them and making sure that nothing else happens to them and it’s too much for them. They need that space, they need the room to grow. And I realizing this more and more that we’ve gone a little bit too extreme with the safety and we need to pull back. And it’s not like this in other countries. A lot of European countries will let their kindergarten grade one, grade two Asia just go into the forest and they’re watching them, but they’re not hovering over them. And they’re learning to discover those new natural obstacles that they need to engage with.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:42]:
Now some of what you just talked about really talks about resiliency in kids and the fact that children are resilient when they break a limb or they fall. And I guess as you have seen that and observed that in kids, not only what have you observed from children’s resiliency, but what from that resiliency can parents learn from?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:20:02]:
It’s a difficult issue. So many things come to mind and so many difficult diagnoses I’ve had to give over the years and more recently too. And it’s incredible the resilience of kids that I’ve seen who have to come to the hospital for so many different appointments with long term illnesses like cancer. I think one of the things we can learn from children is just that they’re able to maintain a positive attitude. They don’t get down on life as quickly and they don’t get down on themselves. And one of the things that they’re able to do much better than adults too is actually self talk and a Lot of their self talk, and it’s funny because they talk to themselves out loud. It’s so cute. Is very positive and it’s very encouraging.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:20:40]:
And a lot of our self talk that happens in our minds is very negative and we get down on ourselves a lot. And so to be able to learn from them and flip that script and get our minds in a more positive space, the way we talk to ourselves, I think is a. An easy but incredibly powerful strategy. One of the things just to give your listeners a practical takeaway is when you’re in that negative talk cycle, think of yourself talking to a close friend instead of yourself actually. And you’ll just notice the language completely changes of how you’re talking. And that can be one way to get out of that, that cycle.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:14]:
Following up on that self talk. I know that as you talk about that, it is a powerful tool for success with your kids and especially raising daughters. That self talk is really important because they will hear things outside of themselves. They will see things and hear things, and society will add things into the mix. So how do you believe that fathers can teach their kids to develop positive inner dialogue from that early age that continues as they get older?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:21:46]:
One of the ways, and multiple studies have shown this with older kids and adults and we can start to teach them this. And I think something that adults need to learn is substituting I for second and third person. So when we’re thinking about how we’re feeling, we have to use you and we have to use our third person name. So for example, when we’re in a very stressful situation and they put people in FMRI machines where they can measure the brain waves and they give them very aversive images and they say, what am I feeling? And then they measure the brainwaves and then the person again just says their name. So what is Hasan feeling? And when they do that, that the emotional reactivity centers in our brain are far tuned down. And so as kids get older, not at the age my daughter is at, but at maybe the age that your daughters are at, start to teach them the strategy of talking to themselves in second and third person. And it’s a very hard thing to get your head around. But once you start to do that, it starts to make a difference.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:22:38]:
And I think that’s one of the longer term things that we can definitely leave for our kids.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:42]:
One question that comes to mind after what you talked about in regards to resiliency in the way that kids process things is that, you know, I’ve seen so many Toddlers that just live in the moment and they embrace joy. How do you believe that parents can live more of that toddler mindset and add that into their daily lives?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:23:03]:
Yeah, I’m so glad you brought that up because, you know, we talk about living in the moment as an adult wellness thing, and there’s no one that actually is able to do that as good as toddlers are. And we can’t exactly get there because their brains are completely structurally different and they don’t have a developed prefrontal cortex. And so they’re not thinking about the future and, you know, what’s going to happen in next week or maybe even in a few days. And so they’re, they’re naturally in tune to that, and you can see that all the time because they’re looking at different objects and they’re noticing things that we would never notice. So it is an incredible skill. I wish we were able to do that more. One of the ways, and this I know has probably been repeated to your listeners so many times, is getting rid of that phone. And when I come home, I’m not perfect and I mess up a lot, but I try when I come home to put it in my nightstand drawer on airplane brain mode.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:23:50]:
And it’s there until my daughter goes to bed. And so that’s between 4 and 7:30pm at least those three, four hours when I’m with her. Not having the phone is, I think, the single best thing we can do to be more present with our kids. And I wish I was better about it. And I’m still working on it. And it’s a really good strategy to help this because they’re not interested in that as much and they just want to engage with you. And so if you’re with them and nobody has their screens, then I think that’s a wonderful way to be more in the moment.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:24:20]:
And I know you also talk in the book about how adults need to be more toddler. Can you share any specific examples that you might be able to offer where adults like us can be more toddler in our own lives and that may have shown positive results or that could show positive results in our lives?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:24:42]:
Yeah. And this is an incredible toddler superpower that is very obvious. And it’s their ability to say no. There is nothing more powerful than a toddler. No. When they say no, they really, really mean it. And it’s, it’s, it’s amazing. And I don’t mean to be too simplistic or that we should be rude about it, but it’s actually incredibly useful if we’re able to say no like they are, or as many times as they are.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:25:06]:
You know, we want to default to yes and we want to make sure that we don’t make the other person feel bad if we’re saying no when all these requests are coming towards us. But what that does over time, if we keep saying yes, it leads to overwhelm and an over scheduled calendar. And that’s not good for us either, especially when we have children and we need to be around them. And so I want to empower dads and I’ve had to learn to do this too because I just don’t have as much time anymore because I have a daughter is that I need to be better at saying no. And she’s taught me that really well. And so really evaluating the requests that are coming and one good strategy that can sometimes be helpful if it’s a bigger ask, is actually mapping that out on a calendar about the parts of the ask. If you have some type of report, for example, then you could break the report down into different subcategories and then actually getting a better estimate of the time before you say yes. Because we’re notoriously terrible at estimating also the time something will take.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:26:01]:
But the toddler no is something we should all be using more.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:04]:
Now, you’ve given a lot of pieces of advice today. If there was one other key lesson that you’d want every person to take out of the book, what would it be?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:26:12]:
I think the other part is the toddler level of confidence is also incredible. They just think they’re able to do anything, including flying and things they’re not clearly able to do. And you know, we don’t have to be that extreme, but we also get to the other extreme where we don’t have the confidence to try these new things. And that’s really what helps us grow the fastest, is is trying these new things and having the confidence to do that. So I really admire them for that and I hope that everyone can see them for what they’re able to do with confidence to bring a little bit of more of that into our own lives.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:46]:
Now, if people want to find the book or follow your work, where should they go?

Dr. Hasan Meralis [00:26:50]:
So the easiest place is my website because it has everything in one place. Hasan Meraliy.com and that will have links to the book. And I’m very active mostly on LinkedIn as well as X. And you can find me there. I’m happy to connect and I post lessons we can learn from children multiple times per week.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:05]:
Now, we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our. Our dad Connection six, where I ask you six more questions to delve a little bit more into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:27:13]:
Yeah.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:13]:
What’s one word that describes your relationship with your daughter?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:27:17]:
Fun.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:18]:
What’s the best piece of dad advice you’ve ever received?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:27:22]:
I think it’s to go back to living in the moment and dropping the cell phone.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:28]:
What’s one activity you and your daughter love doing together?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:27:31]:
Canoeing.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:32]:
If you could give your daughter one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:27:37]:
It’s to keep up her curiosity.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:40]:
What’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself since becoming a dad?

Dr. Hasan Meralis [00:27:44]:
That I absolutely love being a dad.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:46]:
Finally, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:27:55]:
Find the activities that you really love to do and bring those to your daughter. We talked about my example of the hand drumming, but there are things, and this is what kids need, is new experiences. And so there’s. There’s things that from your childhood that you can bring to your daughter and that will be incredibly meaningful for both of you.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:28:14]:
Well, Hasan, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being here today, for writing this book to encourage all of us to be more childlike, to be more like a toddler, and to start thinking about things differently and acting differently, but also being able to keep young no matter what age we are. And I truly wish you all the best.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:28:36]:
Thank you very much. It was nice to be here.

Dr. Christopher Lewis

That’s a wrap for this episode of the dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build strong, stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our dadanddaughterconnection@gmail.com until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Performer [00:29:08]:
We’re all in the same boat is full of tiny screaming passengers we spend the time, we give the lessons, we make the meals, we buy them presents and bring your A game. Cause those kids are growing fast the time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen Carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world to them Be the best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.

Harmony at Home: Dustin Lolli on Fatherhood, Faith, and Family

July 7, 2025 by dadofdivas

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On the latest episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection podcast, Dr. Christopher Lewis sits down with Dustin Lolli, lead singer of the band Sanctus Real, for a candid conversation about what it really means to be a present, engaged dad—especially to daughters at two very different life stages. Throughout the episode, listeners are treated to heartfelt stories, honest admissions of “mistakes,” and practical wisdom on raising confident, independent daughters.

Fatherhood Across Generations

Dustin shares the unique experience of being a father to both a 21-year-old and a 5-year-old daughter. He reflects on the surprises and joys of meeting each child exactly where they are—from encouraging an early love of art and animals in his oldest, to discovering what makes his youngest “tick.” The message is clear: there’s no manual, and every child truly is unique. What matters most is the willingness to stay curious, adaptable, and humble.

Fostering Independence & Stability

One powerful theme is the delicate balance between guidance and independence. As Dustin describes, the journey is a “push and pull”—supporting his daughters as they take chances, make mistakes, and hone their passions, while also providing a secure foundation they can always come home to. He espouses the importance of loving consistency over quick fixes, and of letting kids know that stability and support are always present, even as they navigate their own paths.

Music, Family, and Finding Passion

Music runs deep in the Lolli family, but Dustin is quick to note that he and his wife encourage their children to find their own unique passions, not simply follow in their footsteps. An especially touching moment is Dustin’s retelling of recording “Confidence” as a duet with his daughter Arden—not because she wanted the spotlight, but because it was a special moment to connect and create together.

Faith, Hope, and Real-World Parenting

With faith at the center of his message, Dustin brings a sense of hopefulness to the challenges of raising kids today, especially when it comes to social media and comparison culture. He emphasizes leading with love, authenticity, and an understanding that parenting is about the child’s needs, not the parent’s expectations.

Why You Should Listen

This episode isn’t just for dads; it’s for anyone who values deep family connections, honest conversations, and real-life stories about learning, loving, and growing together. Tune in to hear Dustin’s thoughtful insights and be inspired to show up as the parent your children need—flaws, questions, and all.

Ready to be inspired? Listen to the full episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection—you’ll come away with wisdom to last a lifetime.

If you enjoyed this episode we ask you to take a moment to take our Dad and Daughter Connection Survey to let us know more about you as a dad. You can also sign up to get our newsletter to stay connected to our community and we will send items of interest to you to help you to be the dad that you want to be. Feel free to follow me on the following social media platforms: Facebook, Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, X.

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:54]:
I am so excited that you’re back with us again this week. As always, every week, I love being on this journey with you and I call it a journey because the connections that we want to build with our daughters happen daily. But we have to do what we can to learn, to grow, to build stronger connections. And it’s not always going to be easy. There’s going to be some bumps in the road. You got to be willing to go for the long run, go in for the long haul and make sure that you know that you can ask for help, you can learn from others, and that’s what this podcast is all about. Every week I love being able to bring you different people with different experiences that are fathering in different ways, are building those connections in different ways, but they are learning along with their daughters as well, and that is so important. This week we got another great guest.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:50]:
Dustin Lally is with us and Dustin is the lead singer of Sanctus Real, a band. If you’ve never heard of it, I’m going to say Google it, but I’ll have a link in the notes today. But definitely it is a band that’s been around for over 30 years. Amazing music. We’re going to talk a little bit about his music as well, but he’s a father of four and he’s got two daughters. He’s got a 21 year old daughter and a five year old daughter. So we got both ends of the spectrum and we’re going to talk about that journey that he’s been on to be able to build those strong connections with his own daughter. And I’m really excited to have him here today.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:23]:
Dustin, thanks so much for being here.

Dustin Lolli [00:02:24]:
Well, thanks for having me. This is great.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:27]:
Well, I’m really excited to have you here. And as I said, building those relationships takes time. It takes effort. And you know, I think as you think about both your daughters and as I said, they’re at two ends of the spectrum in regards to where they are in life. What’s one of the most meaningful moments that you’ve been able to share with your daughters and what made it so special?

Dustin Lolli [00:02:51]:
I think I’ve always had, you know, our oldest daughter is a firstborn. So the first four years she was just with us. And so there’s, there was a lot of connecting time there, right? Like, and I was young, I mean, I was 21 when we got married. My wife got pregnant three months after we got married. So her birthday is two days from our first year anniversary. So I was a kid, right? Like having a child and not only having a child, having a girl child for a 21 year old boy, you know that you have these, these moments and I, I just, I just fell in love immediately. But you have so much, Obviously when you’re 21, you really have so much to learn. And I think what I noticed first off, like one of the first meaningful moments where I was like, okay, this is a unique child, like a unique person, right? This isn’t, I don’t know what it is.

Dustin Lolli [00:03:40]:
When you’re young, you’re like, everything is going to fit into almost like a movie. You’re right, like you, you’re making the steps of your life and then the first plot twist happens and it’s like, oh, I gotta deal with this. But my daughter, from an early age, she loved to go out and draw. And it was like amazing at an early age. And she had a great vocabulary. She’d be talking early and one day she’s drawing and she drew a shark and a seal and the shark was eating the seal and she drew blood everywhere. This is a girl, a little baby girl. She’s like 4 years old and I’m 5 years old maybe and, and I’m like, what is that? And she said she was watching the Discovery Channel and saw Shark Week, right? I remember this feeling of like, this is a sweet baby girl, but she also loves, loves this other nature and animals and art.

Dustin Lolli [00:04:31]:
And it was, I know it doesn’t sound like much, but for me I was sitting there going, I’ve got a lot to learn about this and helping her see these things. And I loved it. But you’re looking at it from a perspective of, I thought it was going to be this sweet, dainty little thing. And here she’s drawing blood coming out of a seal, right? Like, oh. And she still Works with animals, right? This is. She’s had this love for animals, and she was like, just real little, and she. Now she works with dogs, and she works and she draws, and it’s amazing. So that little moment with just me and we’re looking at this thing, I was like, okay, this.

Dustin Lolli [00:05:04]:
I got a lot to learn about my own daughter. And so we started doing things more with animals. And, like, she started learning about animals, and we took her to. She has a really great picture where they had a live wolf. She got to take pictures, like, actual pictures with the wolf. And so just those moments to start with her were just. I found her loves, right? Her interests and her mom. We just found what she loved, and we really are.

Dustin Lolli [00:05:29]:
What we really wanted to do from the beginning was. Was encourage her to do the things that she loved. And part of our. Even our schooling that we gave her was art, and we wanted her to learn with passion. That moment, though, stands out because it was like a turning point for me, right? Like, I was like, okay, I gotta change my thinking to, this is a real human being. This isn’t. This isn’t just out of a movie. This is a girl who’ to develop and develop her own passions and develop her own things.

Dustin Lolli [00:05:55]:
And I’m a guy, and I have no idea what any of that looks like.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:58]:
So now you also have a daughter that’s five and two other kids along with your other daughter. So I guess now with having a daughter at the other end of the spectrum, and you have an adult daughter now, how are you taking what you learned from your firstborn in building that relationship with your youngest as well?

Dustin Lolli [00:06:23]:
It’s funny because I think it’s two things psychologically. It’s not just, hey, I get to learn from her. It’s that I’m older anyway. Like, I see the world differently. There’s a lot of experience with having four, and they’re all very distinct personalities and different people. And so I think for me, it’s. It’s not just, hey, thinking back to how my oldest name is Arden. It’s not just thinking back to that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:45]:
It’s.

Dustin Lolli [00:06:45]:
It’s kind of taking the sum of all of this experience and going, what this girl? And of course, she’s in a different place again because my youngest, her next closest sibling, is 14, so she’s kind of an only child at this age, too. So we’re looking at it from a perspective again of we want her to be healthy emotionally, we want her to be healthy mentally. And there are so many things now in Life that will from screens and to all of this stuff that are going to try to take some of that away from her that we’re learning and we’re doing our best to have a balanced, balanced life. And we learned that with Arden. The problem with Arden was, you know, you have these kids who are easy. And I thought I was a great parent with her because she was intelligent early on, she was emotionally very chill. And of course there was always something she wasn’t perfect. But I always thought, man, I must be a good parent.

Dustin Lolli [00:07:39]:
And then the next ones come along and it’s, you know, they’re boys, so they’re different. But even so, you’re like, okay, maybe every kid is unique and different. And I think that kind of experience or now it’s like we’re looking at our, our youngest and she is full of life, the baby to a T. She is loud and fun and dramatic and all of these things. And I think for us, in a lot of ways it’s like every child of ours has been different and unique and our job is to love them the best way that we know how. And we’ve learned that with our other kids. There’s no formula to it. There’s no point A to point B.

Dustin Lolli [00:08:14]:
If you do this, this, this and this, it’s going to be perfect. Because all our kids have different genetic makeup. And I don’t mean like mother, dad, I just mean like they were born different, they think differently, they feel differently. And so as a parent, especially with this one, we’re just trying to find, okay, what makes her tick and what makes her thrive. And she is the most fun little five year old you’ll ever come across. It’s incredible.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:37]:
You mentioned the fact that some of the things that you did with Arden to help her to real of the passions that she had. And I guess as you think about in raising her to where she is today, how did you balance guiding her while also giving her the independence to becoming her own person?

Dustin Lolli [00:08:58]:
I think probably a lot of mistakes, you know. No, it’s a great question. I think it’s still a question that’s in process for us. I mean, she’s 21. Even now you’re like, you still want to protect, but then you also know you can’t, you have to let go in a lot of ways. She just came to us and she wants to go to Ireland with a group and she’d have to fly by herself. And the dad and me is like, oh, I don’t know. And then you go, but she’s 21, and we’ve never really tried to keep her from anything.

Dustin Lolli [00:09:27]:
But as a dad, there’s this safety thing, which there’s all of these things that you’re like, I’m supposed to protect her. I’m supposed to do all this. So as they get older, that with a girl is so much harder to let go of. Like my boys, I’m like, whatever, just go, man up, do the thing. Which good or not, it’s just a natural process. I don’t even think of it other than it’s a natural thing. I would have wanted my dad to do that when I was 18, like, go mess up a few times. But the girl, that’s hard because however, genetically we’re inclined to be this way.

Dustin Lolli [00:09:56]:
So my wife helps a lot with that. You know, we have a very balanced relationship. She is a girl, and I know this is dad. Daughter is hard because you don’t understand, like, what they feel, what she’s going through. And so I rely on her a lot for a lot of the emotional things. And I hope we’ve always tried to make a good team with it, but I think you have to over. Over the. From the time she’s been 16 and on, it has been a tug of war and a push and pull of Arden, you have to prepare for the future.

Dustin Lolli [00:10:25]:
You have to do the things it takes to be a successful person without mom and dad, while at the same time saying, arden, we are your safety net right now. You can make mistakes. You have a stable home, you have a stable place. And if you go out there and fail, even now, we tell her this all the time. This is your time to take chances. This is your time to go seek out this art, go do this thing and build your future. But just know that if it doesn’t work out, you have a stable landing ground right now. And so it is.

Dustin Lolli [00:10:56]:
It’s a push and pull of like, we’re here, stability’s here. But because you have a foundation, you can go take risks, you can go do those things, and we’re all for it, and we’ll support you in anything. Obviously, I’m in music. My daughter has a great voice. She’s beautiful voice, but she doesn’t want to sing. And so it’s like those balancing moments where you’re like, I can offer you these opportunities because of what I do. And she’s saying, but that’s not my heart. Those are the things we work through, and those are the things, okay, so what is your passion? What do you want to do.

Dustin Lolli [00:11:24]:
And it’s a tug of war always inside of me now.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:26]:
You talked about, and you kind of joked about it, that you probably made some mistakes. And all of us make mistakes. I mean, we are not perfect. There’s no manual to how you raise a kid. And I guess as you think about those mistakes, what’s a mistake that you made as a father and what did it. What did you learn from it about fostering positive communication?

Dustin Lolli [00:11:49]:
I use the word mistake. I kind of did say it as a joke. I think sometimes I look at people and say, you only know when you made a mistake because we know what the right thing was. And so it’s our weight, it’s our judge. So the truth is, I don’t know how many mistakes I’ve made because I don’t know always what the right thing was. So you’re just doing your best. And so you look back and go, maybe if I had done it this way, it would have gone better. But hindsight’s 20 20.

Dustin Lolli [00:12:13]:
It’s hard to deal with that. You just learn to grow from it. With my daughter, you think of girls and you think of emotions. You think of it. My daughter is a very stable, quiet, emotional person. She feels things strongly, but she doesn’t always show them. And as a guy, you have these stereotypical wrong things. This is part of.

Dustin Lolli [00:12:31]:
As a young man, you have a daughter and you realize, okay, she’s not a stereotype. She’s a person. And she has her feelings, but she also has strong here. And I think without taking the time and having the humility to learn what it is that makes her tick, you can just jump the gun on stuff, and you can just plow right into things and go, oh, well, honey, let me tell you how to do this. And I think there were a lot of times where I thought I knew what was right for her, and I thought I knew if I gave her this advice and she did it, but. But after the fact, I go, if she were me, that might have worked, but she’s not me. And so in a lot of ways, parenting to me is. There’s a checklist for parenting, and I think it’s good, but for me, it doesn’t work.

Dustin Lolli [00:13:11]:
Parenting to me is loving your kids the best way possible. And that might be being tough on one at some point and being less tough on another at some point, but it’s knowing them, and if you know them well enough, you know how to love them well. And I think the biggest mistakes that I made, I think, were a lot of Times where I was more interested in giving them advice based on my opinion than based on where they were or what her needs were in the time I, like, wanted to be right rather than I wanted to help her. And so I don’t think my motive early on as a dad, sometimes I was just doing the best I could. If I had a chance to talk to me, then I would say, you’re doing the best you can, but you’re doing the best you can for yourself instead of the best you can for your family or for your daughter. There’s a lot in there. I could nuance that all day long. I could unpack that all day long.

Dustin Lolli [00:13:56]:
But I don’t always love the word mistakes because I think we create the baseline to judge on now, obviously, for breaking the law or something, but we’re creating this baseline of like, well, this is the right thing and if we didn’t do it, then you’re a failure or it’s a mistake. And parenting, I mean, everything might be a mistake because you could probably do everything better at some point.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:14]:
You hit the nail on the head there. I think that everybody will second guess, and we are innately programmed to second guess and say, have I done that right? And as men, I’ve talked about this before, so many men are programmed to be fixers. We walk into a situation, we don’t always listen, we don’t always hear what our daughters are telling us, but we come in and think, oh, I can fix this. And that’s not always what they need. And so one of the best things that someone ever told me, and it was kind of too late for me at the time, but was when you go into a conversation with your daughters, you should let them have the ability to say whether the conversation is a listening or a fixing conversation. Because if it is a listening conversation, you need to turn that part of your brain off that says, I’m trying to fix this for you, and you need to let them struggle with it and just talk through it. But if they say, no, this is a fixing conversation, then you can turn that right back on and truly give them the advice that you’re prone to give for your daughters. What’s one way that you show your daughters that they can always count on you?

Dustin Lolli [00:15:21]:
I think that’s an earned thing over time. I don’t know if there’s one action. I think being there over the years, you know, I would say my 21 year old, it’s just consistency. I think there’s no one action when she’s been through hard times, you just, you’re there. When she’s having her great times, you’re there. I love to be able to just tell people, hey, if you do this, it’s going to be great. The thing is, your listeners don’t even know my family life. I could be the worst dad in the world, pretending here.

Dustin Lolli [00:15:48]:
And that’s okay. To me, life in and of itself is this flow thing where a lot of people love to have step by step things. And I think trust is earned over time, even with your kids. I think love is a daily thing where you’re choosing somebody above yourself, especially your kids. And I think you can’t be a good parent unless you go into parenting thinking, I’m going to give something up for my children. And I’ve learned that over the years. And I think I do have a wonderful family life and I do have great kids and. But I think they would even tell you that there’s never been a moment.

Dustin Lolli [00:16:21]:
It’s just, it’s earned. Over the years, from when she was little, she learned that mom and dad were going to be there and they were going to be our priority. Now, I will say this. One of our early things we decided as a couple was we weren’t going to change our lives for our kids. We were going to include our kids in our lives. And so our kids have always had a semblance of this is what mom and dad do and we’re a part of it. I’ve seen a lot of families, they have a child and suddenly their entire life changes. They don’t see friends anym, they don’t go out anymore.

Dustin Lolli [00:16:52]:
The kids on a 7pm bedtime. And that can’t be deviated from. We didn’t do any of that. Now whether that’s psychologically right or wrong, we didn’t do any of that. We said, okay, we’re going to include our baby girl in everything that we do. And so she would come out to eat with us and we were involved in a lot of ministry stuff. So she would go to all of this stuff and sometimes she’d stay up late. And so.

Dustin Lolli [00:17:14]:
And the reason why I say that is because in a lot of ways our kids, instead of just being the center of attention, they were a part of a family. Arden wasn’t a only child. And when she thought, oh, I get everything, she knew she was going to go with mom and dad to everything. She was a part of it. And that was a healthy thing. So answering your question, I think the lifestyle choices and the day to Day. Consistency, love, consistency is what really for, I think, developed our relationship. So it kept it strong when she went to teenage years.

Dustin Lolli [00:17:46]:
And here’s the other thing. My daughter was such a good child. I would have these people say to me all the time, I mean, this became a just wait till she’s a teenage. You think you got it good now, but just wait till she’s a teenager. They all fall off the road. She’s a girl. And you know what? I. My wife and I used to look at each other and be like, that doesn’t mean that’s going to happen to Arda.

Dustin Lolli [00:18:05]:
And you know what? It never did. She’s always been a consistent. I mean, it’s been amazing. She’s been the easiest child and, you know, a lot of that’s her own thing. But I like to think some of that’s just the stability and the fact that she’s gone every day knowing how loved she really is. So one moment I couldn’t tell you. I think it’s a collection and an earning of trust over the years and just the stability and a consistency that it takes unselfish love to get there.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:18:32]:
Now, I mentioned at the beginning that you are the lead singer with Sanctus Real. And one of the questions that I had for you because I know that a little while back you. There is a song called Confidence, and it’s a powerful song that definitely resonated with many of your fans. More recently, you released an acoustic version of it with your daughter Arden. And what inspired you to create that rendition? And how did involving Arden deepen your connection to the song and the message?

Dustin Lolli [00:19:03]:
Well, it’s crazy because my daughter was 14 years old when we first had her sing on it. And it went something like this. We were doing a radio event and we were making a video and we wanted kids to sing originally instead of me on this video that we were making for this radio event. And the only kid in the room was arden. She was 14. We said, hey, Arden, can you come sing? I had never heard her sing for real. She did not sing out loud. I didn’t know if she could sing.

Dustin Lolli [00:19:29]:
It’s kind of crazy. My wife will tell you, like, she just would shy away from singing. But my baby boy, Ian, who was little at the time, he would have been. He would have been like five, would tell us that he wanted Arden to sing him to sleep at night because she had a voice like an angel, which we never heard. So I said, arden, can you sing this? She so didn’t want to sing it. We have this video of her singing it. She’s got a hoodie on and her, she’s like slouched over, over. But when she’s saying this sound came out.

Dustin Lolli [00:19:58]:
And I remember our guitar player Chris looking at me like, whoa, what is happening? So instead of having kids, we just had her voice on it. 14 year old Arden, and we play this radio event, and there’s 70 of the biggest radio stations in the country for Christian music in this room. And this video comes on, right? And this voice. And after it was over, I get people coming to us asking who the girl was that sang our song. And they’re handing me business cards. And she got record offers at 14, like, hey, when she’s ready, let me know. And I’m like, she doesn’t even sing. Like, she’s never sang in front of people or anything.

Dustin Lolli [00:20:36]:
And so that’s where it started at this thing. That’s not what you heard. That was like the first time she’s saying this in front of people. But she doesn’t love the stage. She doesn’t love what she sees as. I don’t think that’s what I want to do. But there was always this connection to this song through that. And then when we were deciding to do this acoustic version and I was like, baby girl, people love that.

Dustin Lolli [00:20:57]:
And I would love to do a duet. Like, so could this just be the one time you do it right? And she agreed to it and we did a video of it and it, you know, it’s funny because we put that out and we still get people in comments who are like, who’s this Arden artist? Where do I find her music? How do I listen to her? I’m like, that’s it? That’s all you got? But I love, you know, she still sings around the. I mean, her voice is special. And this is one of those things as a dad where you’re like, I’m hoping that at some point she goes, I love to sing. I want to do this. And then I could bring her into so much more. But until then, I just got this one special moment with her, and it is special. And I, you know, again, I’m always like, your first time singing on video and you might have a half a million views, it’s your only video you’ve ever done, you’re pretty successful, you should probably do it again.

Dustin Lolli [00:21:48]:
So we’re still working on it. I’m gonna get her back on there. My other daughter, by the way, you won’t have a problem. She’ll probably want to sing on. So she’s five and she has no fear and no, she wants the stage. So that should be fun.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:00]:
I know that you as being the lead singer of this band, your band is definitely touring. You’re spending a lot of time on the road. How do you navigate the balance between touring with Sanctus Real and being present in your children’s daily lives?

Dustin Lolli [00:22:17]:
I have four our guitar players for there’s three of us that, that are the band and we have 11 kids between us and we’ve all been married a good amount of time. Healthy, healthy marriages, healthy relationships. You don’t do this, you don’t do what we do in a healthy way unless your family are your partners in it. And one of the things about being around for as long as we are, we can control our touring. And so there are seasons where we’re gone quite a bit. But I always tell people this, I always say we’re actually home more than most people. Most people have have nine to five jobs, they’re gone or more. They’re gone eight, 10 hours a day and then they come home and they’re tired and they’re worn out and you know, it’s hard.

Dustin Lolli [00:22:57]:
That’s hard. And I don’t ever want anyone ever. People ask us how we do it and I’m always like, I watch my dad get up at 4 in the morning for 30 years and work and be exhausted. I have a great life and a great job. And yes, it’s, it’s challenging sometimes it is, but every job is. So when I come home, here’s why I say that is when we’re home or home, I write songs for people. So I might go for a couple hours a day here and there. But when I come home, unlike most jobs, I’m home.

Dustin Lolli [00:23:23]:
I don’t have anything else to do, I’m home. And what we normally try to do is play three days a week and be home for. And some seasons we’ll have a bigger tour and we’ll be gone more but then we have a lot of time off so I might be home for a month straight. So it’s really just navigating these seasons and, and my wife gets used to it, she has a rhythm. When I’m gone, my older kids, it’s normal life. But dad’s here all the time. Time dad’s home, it gets to do stuff like I’ve helped coach my kids baseball team. It’s a little harder on the five year old and sometimes being home a lot is even harder for her because I’ll be home for a month and then I’m gone for two weeks.

Dustin Lolli [00:24:00]:
And she doesn’t know what to do with that because she got into a routine. But we work through all of that and she’s, you know, she’s actually been on the road now that we’re older too. My wife will come on the road sometimes and take her with like she’s been on the road with us a few times. So we try to include. We’re such a family based band now, now that our goal is to include our family. My son works for us, our drummer son works for us. So we do our best and our families are partners in what we do. They get it.

Dustin Lolli [00:24:27]:
It’s our jobs too. So dad has to have a job and we just try to include him as much as we can, like we did with Arden in that video. I mean, that’s part of that. We’re going to include our families. I think one of the coolest parts about what I do for a living is not just what I do, but talking about this thing is it’s actually had open doors for my kids in the future too. Like my one son plays guitar, loves it. I get to offer my kids something that I never had. And that’s an avenue in music if they want to.

Dustin Lolli [00:24:54]:
It’s connections in music if they want to. And so far they, they have, they want to jump in and so it’s great. So it works well for us because we’re very, very aware of it. Like our families are our number one priorities and we all know that. And so if you know that, then you’re going to build your tour around it, you’re going to build your career around it. And so we maintain that balance. We work really hard to keep that balance.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:25:17]:
You know, I know that a lot of your music touches on themes of faith and perseverance. How do you incorporate those themes into your parenting? And do your kids influence the messages you choose to convey through your songs?

Dustin Lolli [00:25:32]:
I think so. I think I am a big believer in hope. We are a Christian band in the sense of like, that’s our message of hope. And I look at the world today and just see a lot of people lacking, honestly, just hope. Regardless of what the situations, regardless of all the other stuff. It’s just we travel and we talk to people and you’re talking about our songs. And we hear so many stories about how our songs impact people because we try to put these messages of hope into them. But we also hear over and over again just the hopelessness that People deal with on a day to day basis.

Dustin Lolli [00:26:04]:
And that’s the world that we’re raising our kids in. Social media, this is comparison. And it’s all of these things that your kids are dealing with that I never had. This generation is dealing with things that even I never had to deal with, which is really, it’s like the first time that we are going to have to study something that’s never really been done, like kids and their screens and their social media. The influence of all of this information coming at us all the time. I tell my kids all the time, just turn your screens off for a week and you won’t even know what’s happening. And your world is so good and it feels so bad because you are being inundated with information constantly. And we need to know what’s going on out there.

Dustin Lolli [00:26:43]:
Again, this, this balance, but it does, it impacts a lot of what I write about, a lot of what I’m passionate about. I believe in doing the right thing in every situation as best as we can. I believe in love. I believe that, you know, I don’t think anybody’s a robot. And so therefore we come into situations with people and we prescribe methods of healing, but we’re also different. And so for me, even with my kids, it’s. I don’t ever want to get into the know it all way of saying, hey, this is how you fix it. Right? I think we’re all created differently.

Dustin Lolli [00:27:20]:
Different likes, different tastes, different intelligences, different things. And until we know what those things look like, it’s hard to even give advice to people to say, hey, do this thing. Because that advice could be dangerous for somebody who doesn’t think or feel the same way that you do. And so I take all that into account, you know, with my kids. And then even with our message, like how do we give a message to people that is, is hopeful and a blessing rather than painful and a curse, basically, right? And I think it’s my worldview. Like my worldview doesn’t change whether it’s looking at my kids or whether it’s looking at my career or whether it’s looking at our music, right? It’s, it’s my worldview. And for me, I’m a Christian, so my worldview comes from that. So it impacts every part of what I do and what I think.

Dustin Lolli [00:28:05]:
And if it didn’t, then I, it’d be hard to say this is who I am or this is what I believe. So I don’t separate those things. I don’t separate family from music or music from career. All of those things are made up from the worldview of that I believe love and loving people. Well, and you win. I think I’m a good dad, not because I know what I’m doing, but because I love my kids enough to try to steer them to what is healthy and whole and balanced and find that. And I think that that’s always worked for me through my whole life. I’ve always felt like the best things that have ever happened in my life are because I chose to do the right thing in the hardest moments.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:28:40]:
Now, I know you just mentioned a few minutes ago that your BO are interested in the music industry and they’ve shown interest in music and kind of the business side and playing as well. Sometimes, you know, with artists and families, sometimes people would say, stay away from it. I’ve dealt with this. I’ve been this don’t do what I’ve done. You kind of said, you know, I’m going to help them. I’m going to do what I can to be able to do that. So how do you nurture their creativity while guiding them through the challenges that you’ve had in your own life in the industry?

Dustin Lolli [00:29:10]:
Industry awareness. I always say there’s two types of people in the music business. There’s the artist and there’s the people who make money from the artist. And you have to understand that. And I’m not even saying that’s necessarily a bad thing, that’s why it’s a music business. But when you are healthy and aware that this is what’s happening around you, you can create and do things and love what you do. But you also aren’t going to get heartbroken because somebody betrayed you. Even though what they really did was they chased the money.

Dustin Lolli [00:29:37]:
Money. Artists are just creative and ethereal and raw that we tend to take everything. Now, I’m not really that way, as you probably tell, but they tend to take everything personally or it just is a blow to their self esteem. But the reality is they’re not turning their back on you. They’re turning their face toward money. That’s usually what it is. If you can’t make them money, they’re going to go somewhere that can because that’s the business. Which is funny because I say that it sounds so bad, but I actually don’t think it’s that bad.

Dustin Lolli [00:30:04]:
I just think it’s the reality that we have to to deal with. And most people aren’t aware enough of it to do it in a healthy way. But my kids, that’s one of the beauties is that they’ve got somebody who’s going before them that can help them see and walk through that, because it is about staying in a healthy place. All we do is put sounds in the air and hope people like them. There’s nothing too artsy fartsy about me, and you probably never had anybody say that on your podcast, but to me, it’s like, this is what I do. This is what I’ve been blessed with, the gift to do, to be able to sing. And I try to instill that with my kids. Don’t get too, too arrogant about anything.

Dustin Lolli [00:30:35]:
This just happens to be the thing that you’re good at. And if you’re good enough at it, people will pay you to do it. And if you’re good enough to have people pay you to do it, then you’re good enough to have people try to take money from you to do it. And so you have to understand the way the world works around you and be healthy and whole. And just knowing that I’m there to help guide them through that is why I’m like, hey, if you love music and you want to do this for a living, it’s a great job. You just have to be aware of the pitfalls, that’s all.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:30:58]:
Now, I know that, that you and your wife Sarah perform together as a folk duo as well, and the group name is this Way Home. How has collaborating musically with Sarah impacted your family dynamics and your approach to parenting?

Dustin Lolli [00:31:12]:
It’s the best. It’s awesome. If you listen to those songs, those songs probably reflect our family life. These songs, let’s Get Old Together, they’re cute. Not trying to be cheesy, they’re just cute. These are how we treat each other and how we love each other and all that kind of stuff. And our kids have seen that, and they know our family life. And my daughter says, I love it because it’s real, it’s you, and it’s our way of kind of expressing.

Dustin Lolli [00:31:33]:
And Sarah’s great singer. We did it before the band, and we’re just now starting it back up again. And our kids love it because I think they see mom and dad at their most happy. But it is us. It’s how we are at home, our banter. And I think in a lot of ways, when people see that, they get an actual view of how we are at home, which everyone wonders. How people are at home. Well, that’s kind of how we are at home.

Dustin Lolli [00:31:55]:
I mean, our kids are. And, you know, our son played with us the last time we went out. So it’s again, more family based thing. So it’s my favorite thing. It’s folk music, it’s easy to write. It’s my side project that’s just my release. And it reflects, I mean, you hear the songs, it reflects our worldview, it reflects kind of our family and what our core is. So yeah, go check that out.

Dustin Lolli [00:32:16]:
I’d actually love when people check that out.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:32:18]:
We’ll definitely put a link over to it. And reflecting on your journey, what lessons from your own upbringing did you. You strive to pass on to your kids, both in life and through your music?

Dustin Lolli [00:32:31]:
A lot. My parents divorced when I was 3. My mom remarried, so I’ve had a stepdad and then my dad remarried. So my family is very scattered. It was hard, but it was probably the most healthy thing it could be in an unhealthy situation. But there was a lot of other things, so it wasn’t optimal. And I think part of that for me has always been I would never want my kids to go through that. So I wanted to break those chains of consistent.

Dustin Lolli [00:32:52]:
And so my kids, kids see even now in talking to me, they see, wow, Dad’s life was a lot different. They talked to me about my family life growing up. I love it. I have so many good memories, but it was very different. There was a lot of times where I’d be waiting, hoping my dad showed up to pick me up and whether or he just couldn’t do it. And I still remember the sadness. I had stepbrothers who went through a lot of hard stuff. And I watched it all and.

Dustin Lolli [00:33:16]:
And I think for me it was like. More than anything else in my life, I want to know that I gave my kids a chance, a stable chance. I want them to know that they can try to do crazy things. If they want to be musicians or they want to be artists, they can do it because they know that there’s a baseline of foundation that they can fall back into, take risks, do crazy things. That’s okay because you have a mom and dad who care enough and we’re there to support you through it all. And they’ve been healthy. I mean, it’s been good. But I think more than anything for me, I wanted my kids to have a stability that I never really had, that I never felt a dad, honestly.

Dustin Lolli [00:33:50]:
And I have a great dad. If he hears this, he’s great dad. But it’s different, right? It’s different. I didn’t ever want my kids to go through that kind of separation and that kind of fear that we went through when we were little. And even now, like I said, they see the difference. They see the dynamics. They see stories that I tell. And they’re old enough now to understand that it’s meaningful to have a mom and dad who have stayed together for 22 years and who show that they love each other every day.

Dustin Lolli [00:34:14]:
I mean, that’s meaningful. That’s something that is driven with my family life a lot. I just want my kids to see stability.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:20]:
We always finish our interviews with what I like to call the dad connect section. 6. So six more questions that delve a little bit more into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Dustin Lolli [00:34:28]:
Okay. Yeah.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:29]:
What’s one word that describes your relationship with your daughters?

Dustin Lolli [00:34:34]:
Eclectic. I wanted to say something easy, like healthy or stable, but I think my daughters love that we do creative things a lot and our conversations are eclectic on purpose and just. I think my oldest daughter would love that. I think she’d love that I just said the word eclectic.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:49]:
What’s the best piece of dad advice that you’ve ever received?

Dustin Lolli [00:34:54]:
Love your wife. Well, you’ll be a good dad if you love your wife. I think that was something that you don’t correlate when you’re young and getting, you know, you’re about to enter dadhood. But the stronger your relationship with your wife is, the stronger your relationship with your daughters is. That’s what I feel like. And I love that advice. And that may not work for everybody. You might have hard hardships, but that was for me.

Dustin Lolli [00:35:15]:
That was a big thing for me.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:35:16]:
What’s one activity that you and your daughters like doing together?

Dustin Lolli [00:35:20]:
My oldest one’s watching movies. Movies. We both love kung fu and we love just action movies, which is interesting. Again, she’s great, and so that’s something she always wants. If there’s a new martial arts movie out, she’ll just be like, dad, we got a new one. And we’ll sit down and watch and make jokes about it the whole movie. We talk all the time about various things. She loves video, and so she’s always.

Dustin Lolli [00:35:42]:
She wants to be a voice actor, which is great. She’s a cool voice. And so she’s always talking about arts. And since I’m in music, you know, I have some unique perspectives on what she loves the little one right now. I get to be the male doll in whatever game she’s formulating. Come, dad, let’s play. Here. I’ve got a boy doll here.

Dustin Lolli [00:35:59]:
It’s yours. Okay, thanks, baby. Then I just Watch her play. Basically, it’s great.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:36:03]:
If you could give your daughters one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?

Dustin Lolli [00:36:08]:
Oh, man. I would say take chances. Not security chances. As a dad, like, I don’t, but don’t be afraid to fail. Don’t be afraid to fail. And don’t. That’s always been the one thing I’ve said to my oldest daughter. A lot is just, just life is meant to be lived.

Dustin Lolli [00:36:22]:
So if you, the more balanced you are, the less fearful you are of taking a chance. So do that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:36:27]:
What’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself since becoming a dad?

Dustin Lolli [00:36:31]:
That I don’t know anything. And if I did, it’s not for the right reasons. And I think just as I’m getting older, motivation’s everything. Our motives and what, why we do what we do is more important than what we do in the first place. And I think early on it was like everything was I was doing was trying to prove that I was a good dad instead of actually trying to be a good dad dad. And so I, I think for that it’s just open. Have an open mind with your kids. They’re all different and they all respond differently.

Dustin Lolli [00:36:59]:
And as I’ve gotten older, I just realized the less I know, sometimes the better off I am.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:37:03]:
Finally, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build the lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Dustin Lolli [00:37:10]:
Love them. Well, I could come up with something like, real deep and be like, hey, do this checklist. But I just don’t think that works. Your daughters are your daughters and they are their own own unique people and personalities. And you have to know what makes. You have to know that. You have to get to know them well enough to know how to love them well. There has to be a connecting point on a human level.

Dustin Lolli [00:37:30]:
And it’s not just a dad daughter relationship. It’s you showing that you’re going to be there forever regardless. And that’s earned again, I think that’s earned over the course of years where you love them well, you treat them well, you support them well, you learn about them, you show interest in their interest, interests, and ultimately you just be the stable force that they need. And because ultimately it’s not about us. It’s not about us dads. I think the healthiest thing we can think about is it’s not about us in the relationship. It’s they’re the child. It’s about us supporting them.

Dustin Lolli [00:38:04]:
And so I think there has to be an unselfishness to it that A lot of us don’t want to give up. We don’t want to give up us. And you don’t have to give up all of you. But trust me when I say day, you’ll be happier when you start making it about your kid rather than about you. And you’ll find freedom in that. And so I would say to them, if you find yourself doing it because you want something, you need to change that. That’s. That’s where it needs a change.

Dustin Lolli [00:38:27]:
It can’t be about you. It has to be about her and has to be about her future and her relationship and her stability. And I promise you, when you do that, you’ll be rewarded as well. Like, not all sacrifice, you’ll be rewarded as well. Well, it’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:38:42]:
Well, Dustin, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for your time today, for sharing your own journey. If people want to find out more about you, about the band, where should they go?

Dustin Lolli [00:38:51]:
They can go to sanctusreal.com any of the social media things. We’re kind of everywhere. If you Google it, you’ll see all the links. Music’s on YouTube. It’s kind of everywhere. All you gotta do is look it up. This way home. Same thing.

Dustin Lolli [00:39:02]:
I mean, we’re on Spotify primarily. We don’t treat that as like this big thing that we’re promoting and all that kind of stuff. That’s kind of our own little thing. Thing. So, yeah, I just google it this way home and sanct this real well.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:39:14]:
Dustin, I truly appreciate your time today. Thank you for sharing everything that you’ve shared and I wish you all the best.

Dustin Lolli [00:39:20]:
I thank you. Appreciate it. You guys are great.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:39:22]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of the dad and daughter connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes@dadanddaughterconnection.com until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Outro Performer [00:39:53]:
We’re all in the same boat and it’s full of tiny, screaming past messengers. We spend the time, we give the lessons, we make the meals, we buy them presents and bring your A game. Cause those kids are growing fast the time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world you down Be the best dad you can be Be the best dad you can.

The Right Way to Praise Focusing on Effort-Not Just Talent

May 30, 2025 by dadofdivas

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Hey dads! Welcome to Dad Connections in 5, your quick, practical guide to building a stronger bond with your daughter—one simple action at a time. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today, we’re talking about the right way to praise your daughter—focusing on effort, not just talent.

We all want our daughters to feel confident and capable. But did you know that HOW you praise her can actually shape the way she sees herself and her abilities?

Today, I’m going to show you why effort-based praise is so important, how it builds resilience, and practical ways to start using it today.

Why Effort-Based Praise Matters

A lot of times, we say things like:

“You’re so smart!”
“You’re a natural!”
“Wow, you’re really talented at that!”

And while those compliments sound great, they can actually have an unintended effect—making her believe that success is about being naturally gifted, rather than about hard work, practice, and growth.

Instead, when we praise effort, we teach her that:

Hard work matters more than being “naturally good” at something.
Mistakes aren’t failures—they’re learning opportunities.
She is in control of her growth and success.

How to Shift from Talent-Based to Effort-Based Praise

Praise the Process, Not Just the Outcome

Instead of saying:

“You’re so good at math!”

Try:

“I love how you kept working through that tough problem—that’s real determination!”

This reinforces that success comes from persistence.

Highlight Hard Work Over Perfection

Instead of saying:

“Wow, you won first place—you’re amazing!”

Try:

“You practiced so hard for this, and it really paid off! I’m so proud of your dedication.”

Winning is great, but the effort is what truly matters.

Encourage a Growth Mindset

When she struggles, instead of saying:

“It’s okay, maybe this just isn’t your thing.”

Try:

“You’re not there yet, but every time you practice, you get better!”

This teaches her that skills are built, not just given.

Praise Her Willingness to Try New Things

If she’s hesitant to try something new, remind her:

“It’s okay to not be great at something right away—what matters is that you’re willing to try.”

This boosts confidence and makes her more open to challenges.

Quick Takeaways: Start Today!

Here’s your challenge: The next time you praise your daughter, focus on her effort instead of just the result.

Notice her hard work and persistence.
Encourage her to see challenges as learning opportunities.
Reinforce that growth happens with time, effort, and practice.

This small shift builds resilience, confidence, and a lifelong love of learning.

That’s it for today’s Dad Connections in 5! If you found this helpful, share it with another dad who wants to empower his daughter with the right kind of praise. Until next time—keep encouraging, keep supporting, and keep helping her grow.

Teaching Resilience Helping Her Bounce Back from Setbacks

May 23, 2025 by dadofdivas

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Hey dads! Welcome to Dad Connections in 5, your quick, practical guide to building a stronger bond with your daughter—one intentional moment at a time. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today, we’re talking about resilience—helping your daughter bounce back when things don’t go her way.

Let’s face it—life is full of setbacks. She’s going to face disappointments, failures, and challenges, and as her dad, you have a huge opportunity to teach her how to handle them with confidence.

So today, I’ll share why resilience matters, what NOT to say when she’s struggling, and three powerful ways to help her develop a bounce-back mindset.

Why Teaching Resilience is So Important

Resilience isn’t about avoiding failure—it’s about learning to rise after a setback. When your daughter develops resilience, she’ll:

?? Take risks and try new things without fear of failure.
?? Handle criticism and setbacks with confidence.
?? Learn from mistakes instead of letting them define her.

And most importantly, she’ll know she has the strength to handle whatever life throws her way.

What NOT to Say When She’s Struggling

When your daughter is upset about losing a game, failing a test, or being left out, your instinct might be to fix it or say things like:

? “It’s not a big deal.” (To her, it is.)
? “You’ll do better next time.” (She might need space before hearing this.)
? “Don’t be sad.” (All feelings are valid—even the tough ones.)

Instead, try these three simple strategies to help her develop true resilience.

3 Ways to Help Your Daughter Build Resilience

Acknowledge Her Feelings Without Trying to Fix Them

Before giving advice, make sure she knows it’s okay to feel disappointed, frustrated, or sad.

? “I can see you’re really upset about this. That’s okay.”
? “I get why you’re frustrated—you worked really hard.”

By validating her feelings first, you create a safe space for her to process emotions before jumping to problem-solving.

Help Her Reframe the Setback as a Learning Moment

Once she’s ready, help her shift her mindset by asking:

? “What’s one thing you learned from this?”
? “What would you do differently next time?”
? “What’s something you did well, even if the outcome wasn’t what you wanted?”

This teaches her that setbacks aren’t failures—they’re stepping stones to growth.

Model Resilience in Your Own Life

Your daughter learns from watching you. If she sees you handling stress, failure, and setbacks with a positive attitude, she’ll do the same.

Talk about a time you struggled and how you overcame it.
Admit mistakes and show how you learn from them.
Use setbacks as opportunities to demonstrate problem-solving.

For example, if you burn dinner, instead of getting frustrated, say:
?? “Well, that didn’t go as planned! Let’s figure out a way to fix it.”

This shows her that mistakes are part of life—and they don’t define us.

Quick Takeaways: Start Today!

Here’s your challenge: The next time your daughter faces a setback, practice these three steps.

? Acknowledge her feelings instead of dismissing them.
? Help her see the lesson in the challenge.
? Model resilience by showing how YOU handle setbacks.

By doing this, you’re not just helping her through one tough moment—you’re giving her tools she’ll use for a lifetime.

[Closing Music]

That’s it for today’s Dad Connections in 5! If this was helpful, share it with another dad who wants to raise a strong, resilient daughter. Until next time—keep encouraging, keep supporting, and keep helping her rise after every fall.

Fostering Creativity and Wonder: Gianna Davy’s Guide for Dads and Daughters

May 5, 2025 by dadofdivas

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In the latest episode of “The Dad and Daughter Connection,” Dr. Christopher Lewis invites Gianna Davy to share her insights on nurturing curiosity in children and the profound impact it can have on the father-daughter bond. Gianna, a lifelong artist, educator, and author, delves into her own experiences growing up and how her father’s support shaped her journey.

The episode kicks off with Dr. Lewis reminding listeners of the podcast’s mission: to help fathers build stronger relationships with their daughters. Every week, he brings on guests who share real stories and practical advice to inspire dads on their journey of fatherhood.

This week, Gianna Davy steps into the spotlight to talk about her new children’s book, “How Do I Wonder?” and the role of curiosity in a child’s development. Gianna reflects on her relationship with her dad, who was instrumental in fostering her inquisitive nature. He nurtured her artistic side by teaching her to see the world through an artist’s lens, turning everyday experiences into moments of wonder.

Gianna emphasizes the importance of authenticity in the parent-child relationship. She shares how her father’s playful spirit and transparency allowed her to see him as a real person, not just a parent. This authenticity, she argues, is key to building lasting and meaningful bonds.

The conversation also touches on the challenges today’s parents face in a fast-paced, technology-driven world. Gianna encourages fathers to embrace moments of wonder and not shy away from admitting when they don’t have all the answers. By modeling curiosity and open-mindedness, dads can encourage their daughters to explore the world with an inquisitive spirit.

Listeners will find inspiration in Gianna’s stories and advice, particularly on how simple, everyday activities can cultivate creativity and connection. From going on nature hikes to engaging in thoughtful discussions sparked by her book, fathers can find numerous ways to engage with their daughters meaningfully.

“How Do I Wonder?” is not just a book; it’s a tool for transformation. It invites readers to ponder the unanswerable and explore the boundless potential of their imaginations. Gianna hopes her book will inspire parents and children to forge stronger emotional connections through shared curiosity.

Tune into the full episode to explore these themes and more, and discover how to be the dad your daughter truly needs. Whether you’re seeking practical tips or a fresh perspective on parenting, this episode offers invaluable insights that every father can learn from. Be sure to listen and join the community of dads committed to raising confident, independent individuals.

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and daughter connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
If you’re looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’re in the right place. I’m doctor Christopher Lewis, and the dad and daughter connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we’ll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let’s get started. Because being a great dad isn’t just about being there, it’s about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and daughter connection, where every week we have an opportunity to be able to connect together, to work together, to be able to build those strong relationships, those connections that you want to have with your own daughter. And I love being able to come back every week and have these conversations with you, to walk alongside you. As a father of two myself, there have definitely been times where you’d want those stronger connections and you want those stronger relationships.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:19]:
And sometimes you make mistakes, but you grow, you build from those opportunities, those experiences that you’ve had. And that’s why every week I love being able to bring you different people, different guests with different experiences that can share some of the experiences that they’ve had in their life or resources that they have that can help you to build that stronger connection with your own daughter. Today we’ve got another great guest. Gianna Davey is joining us. And Gianna is a lifelong dancer, artist, and educator whose career spans performance, teaching, and creative pursuits, lives out in California, and has a brand new book that is called How Do I Wonder? And I’ll tell you, I had an opportunity to read the book and it’s a wonderful book that really delves into allowing your kids to see the world from a very unique perspective and embrace curiosity, which is so important in working with our young kids, but also encouraging our older kids to keep being curious about the world around us. So we’re gonna talk about her own experience as a daughter herself, but we’re also going to talk about her new book. And I’m really excited to have her here. Gianna, thanks so much for being here today.

Gianna Davy [00:02:32]:
Thank you so much for having me. It’s an honor.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:34]:
Well, I’m really excited to have you here today and to be able to delve a little bit deeper into you as an author, but also you talk about your own relationship with your own father. And I guess as we think about your relationship with your own father, tell me what’s one thing that your father did that made you truly feel seen, heard, and valued as a daughter?

Gianna Davy [00:02:58]:
Oh, interesting question. I mean, there’s so many things, I think, that he did. But a little background on my dad first because I think that’s helpful to understand him as a person a little. He is an artist himself, kind of in the truest sense of the word. And in that he I mean, he did go to art school for college, but that’s really how he sees the world and experiences the world very much. And as an artist myself, I think there was a natural connection there. And so one way that he made me feel seen, I think, is just acknowledging that as a kid, as I was growing up and never pushing it, never forcing me into anything, but just seeing what I enjoyed to do. And then I think he actually really enjoyed meeting me on that wavelength.

Gianna Davy [00:03:48]:
And

Musical Outro Performer [00:03:49]:
he’s

Gianna Davy [00:03:49]:
a very playful person and still continues to play, honestly. And so I think meeting me on that wavelength and teaching me what he knows from there. Like, I mean, my dad taught me how to draw as a kid. I think he saw that I liked to draw. And, I mean, he he has so many amazing paintings that he’s made over the years. So he really and it’s a beautiful lesson, I think, when you mirror learning to draw specifically, but also with learning to see the world around you. Because when you are taught how to draw something very clearly, and he was very specific about it, but he’s really teaching me how to see everything in a different way. And I couldn’t help but apply that.

Gianna Davy [00:04:28]:
I mean, I still think about that forever and ever. When he first was teaching me how to draw a face and some hands and he was saying, you know, they’re the hardest things to draw because they’re the things that people see the most of. And they’re very unique and they’re very personal. And so and, like, from then on, it’s like you can’t look at a face or hands without, like, noticing, like, the shadows here and there. And it just it’s this art of noticing out in the world and seeing everything around you in through the lens of a photographer or a painter or whatever that I think I value so much. And I really just appreciate that he saw that in me as a kid and just sort of allowed me to play around with it.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:05]:
Now in what you just said, it seems like there was a number of moments that really helped you to not only become the artist that you are today, that your father helped to shepherd you in that direction. But as you think back to the experiences that you’ve had with your dad, was there any other specific moments where your dad’s support or guidance really had a significant impact on your growth or confidence?

Gianna Davy [00:05:29]:
Well, a specific moment. I mean, it’s almost like there’s so many. I feel very grateful. I’m such a lucky human to not even be able to think of one moment at this time. I’m an only child also. I feel like I should mention. So I have a super it’s like a heightened relationship with your parents in that respect. And so in terms of one, I mean, they really have supported everything that I have done wholeheartedly and not in a pushy way in any way.

Gianna Davy [00:05:57]:
They see who I am and are like, how can I help?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:01]:
Are there any things that you wish that your dad would have done differently when it came to building the relationship that you have together?

Gianna Davy [00:06:10]:
Yeah. Okay. So, and I’m a parent myself too, so it’s always interesting to think about these things, like, when you’re in the middle of the stage. So I’m gonna get to my point, but I’m gonna tell a story first. So I don’t know if you have ever heard of the festival Burning Man. So I’ve gone many times. It’s a really incredible place to be with art and whatnot, and the engineering and whatnot in all of the sculptures that are there, incredible. And I went, and I came back, and I was like, dad, you have got to go to this place.

Gianna Davy [00:06:40]:
You will be your mind will be blown with the incredible art that’s there. So he came with me the second year, which was a huge bonding experience for us because it’s it was just the two of us, and it was like a nine hour drive there and an entire week there with my best childhood friend and who brought her mom too. So, anyway, the whole week and then the whole drive back, and I feel like I was probably 23 or 24 or something. The drive there was one experience. The drive back was another because we had spent this entire week together in an environment we had never been. All this to say is that in the drive back, he started telling me all of these stories about him when he was around my age at that time that were stories I had never heard before. And it was the most wonderful thing to get this insight into who he actually is and was in the world as a real human, because I think that it’s so often parents are almost like protecting everything that you’re supposed to do all the time. But the reality is we are all perfectly imperfect humans, and I think it was a huge moment for me to just hear all of this background about him when he was a teenager and a young person.

Gianna Davy [00:07:59]:
And it made me see him, and it made us bond so much more than we had. So if there’s one thing that I kind of wish that I could change, I wouldn’t even change it, but it’s just that we had more of that earlier on and continue more of it even now.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:17]:
Now this strong relationship that you have with your own father, how has it influenced the way that you navigate life, relationships, or challenges today?

Gianna Davy [00:08:26]:
Like I mentioned earlier, he is an incredibly playful person still to at this point, and I am eternally grateful for how he plays with my own kids. And so I think that alone is and I think my cousin said it really well when we were kids once. He said, you know, your dad is, like, one of the cousins. Like, he would just be the one that was playing with all of us in the pool when we were having family gatherings. So I think my takeaway from him and how it’s influenced me is never stop that young at heart feeling and interaction with the world because your relationships can really fizzle if you kind of stop being alive to everything around you. And and he really models that for me. So I’m very grateful for that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:09]:
What’s something that your dad has taught you that’s made a big impact on your life?

Gianna Davy [00:09:16]:
That anything is musical instrument. No. I mean, that’s my silly answer, but that’s a huge question. Well, circling back to I think I kind of already touched upon this in the first question you answered, but he really has taught me how to see the world differently. Like I said, he went to art school. His career and profession, he was a videographer and a photographer, but he had paintings in a museum, and he pretty much can play any instrument that you can imagine. But every movie we’ve ever watched, for example, he would always be sitting there and going, now do you see that camera angle, or do you notice that this shot hasn’t completely like, has been one shot and never cut? Like, he just is always seeing things differently than I would have thought to see. And that inevitably, like and like I said, it applies to, like, the everything’s a musical instrument.

Gianna Davy [00:10:05]:
He can interact with the world differently than anybody I’ve ever noticed. And so I think that’s what he’s really taught me, that there’s not really any one way that things are supposed to be. And I think there’s so much intelligence captured in creativity, and it’s often not valued as much as I think it should be. And I think that we need to have all the different perspectives, and having somebody that’s always accidentally showing you a different way of seeing things is incredibly valuable. So

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:38]:
Now if you could spend an entire day with your dad doing anything, what would it look like?

Gianna Davy [00:10:42]:
Gosh. It’s been so long since I get so caught up in life. Holy moly. I think we would probably go on a hike together. As a kid, I we pretty much everything we did as a family was camping. That was that was it. So, I mean, I just have so many good memories out in nature, which is another just wonderful way to cultivate, like, super healthy relationships in my opinion, because nature is just it’s the it’s the ultimate sort of end zone and home base for everyone, whether we have a chance to really connect with it or not all the time. So I think I’d wanna just go on a really super long hike and maybe just take a bunch of pictures, bring our cameras and just take pictures of things, of beautiful things.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:24]:
What advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Gianna Davy [00:11:31]:
My advice is don’t be afraid to let your daughters know who you really are as a real person. I think authenticity is extremely valuable when it comes to cultivating a real relationship. You can’t be best friends with somebody if you’re not willing to let them really know who you are or to present an authentic version of yourself. You know, you think about who you’re absolutely best friends with. They know all the parts of you, the good parts, the bad parts, everything. So I think it’s a very difficult thing to do, but that has to carry through with parent child, father daughter, etcetera, relationships as well. You can’t have a true relationship with somebody while also being a little bit fake or presenting a version of yourself that isn’t truly authentic. And so I think don’t be afraid to be real with your kids.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:31]:
Now I mentioned that you’ve got a new book that’s out. How do I wonder? And I would love to hear your origin story. I’d love for you to share the inspiration behind the book and why you feel that curiosity is such an important theme for you to explore.

Gianna Davy [00:12:49]:
Yeah. Well, I wanna be clear. It’s a children’s book also just so that everybody can envision it a little bit more in their head. So the inspiration was 100% my own kids. I have two boys, so I have a mother son relationship, which is different. So as they were growing up, they’re nine and 12 now. So when they were little, little, you know, as they just started waking up to the world and speaking, they would ask me just the most incredible questions and, like, mind blowing questions that I was like, how have I never even thought of this? Like, year three. And I just would write them down and write them down because they were so amazing.

Gianna Davy [00:13:25]:
And so there was this sort of, for years, like, brewing this book that I didn’t even know what it was gonna be. But really when it came down to it and I started writing it, it’s one of those things that it writes itself in the end. And really it’s about 100% about just exploring the world around you, the power and magic behind creativity. And I think creativity, like I said earlier, is really, like, the base for all intellectual pursuits as well. I think the most intelligent and incredible genius people are the people that are willing to think outside the box. And and I’m trying to create a book that doesn’t just tell kids go outside and think thoughts or whatever, but actually makes them think thoughts in the process. And the questions that are in this book, it’s sort of a book of questions. It’s got a bit of a story, a little bit of an adventure line.

Gianna Davy [00:14:17]:
But all of the questions that are in the book, I was very careful to make them sort of unanswerable per se in the sense that there’s not really one right or wrong answer. They’re all just meant to be sort of pondered and thought about. Like, one of them was one that my son had sent, and it was, did dinosaurs know how to smile? He just turned to me and was like, did dinosaurs know how to smile? And I was like, I guess we don’t know. We never really will. So something to think about. So, anyway, that’s the gist of the book is really just trying to cultivate and inspire kids to really think about things in a different way and interact with their world in a different way and just value who they are and the power of their own beautiful minds and how you really don’t even need any toys or anything. You can just go outside and interact with nature and the world and just build up your brain in the most incredible way.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:08]:
In building up your brain in in really the in the book itself, I guess as I read the book, I kind of had a question of when I think about fathers and the role that they play, what role do you feel that fathers can play in encouraging curiosity and wonder in their own kids, especially with their daughters?

Gianna Davy [00:15:27]:
I think modeling it. I think you have to not be afraid to be a curious person yourself and continue to question things around you. It’s okay to not know the answer to something also. It’s okay to look at something and be like, gee, I wonder why it’s like that or just seeing something and noticing something and drawing attention to your kiddo. Yeah. But I think it’s really, you know, it’s not about always knowing the answer. It’s sometimes just about exploring the possibilities.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:57]:
I love that. Now, in the book itself, you are encouraging kids to ask those open ended questions. What advice would you give to dads who want to nurture their daughter’s natural curiosity?

Gianna Davy [00:16:10]:
Go outside and interact with the outside world as much as possible. But, you know, I realize it’s not always possible to just be on some grand adventure out in the woods or nature or anything. But any place whose purpose is to sort of play and be creative, but I don’t necessarily wanna say go and, you know, there’s, like, arcades and things like that where you can go and and play. But that’s not really that’s that’s a very defined kind of play that has one purpose and one end zone. So open ended experiences is where there’s no one version of what you’re supposed to be doing. That’s what I recommend, especially for younger kids.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:56]:
Now, as you said, your book has a number of prompts or open ended things for people to think about. How do you think that fathers can use this book as a tool to spark meaningful conversations with their kids?

Gianna Davy [00:17:10]:
Well, I hope that the whole book, the whole time people are reading it, meaningful conversations are being sparked automatically. I think don’t rush through the book. As you’re reading it, as there’s a question, ask your child, ask your daughter, what do you think the answer to that question is? And then say, like, what your answer is and ask someone else and compare and be in awe of how many different versions there even could possibly be. It’s a total conversation starter. Read the book once and then just go through again and just think about the questions, you know? Yeah. That’s my recommendation.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:17:43]:
As your kids get older, they see the world in different ways. It is a fast paced world, and with technology being what it is, there’s answers that are only a click away. How can dads teach their daughters to embrace the joy of wondering instead of always seeking immediate answers?

Gianna Davy [00:18:06]:
Oh, gosh. Yeah. That’s such a tough one because I think we are all so guilty of the, oh, let’s just Google it. It is part of the culture of today, 100%. And it’s a really hard ask for parents these days who are so typically overwhelmed and overworked to not just revert to the technology all the time for everybody’s sort of quick fix, save the moment situation. But one thing I will say is that if and or you know, as much as you possibly can, try to not fall back on the quick fix answer technology, iPad, cell phone, whatever, etcetera, etcetera, it really pays off in the long run. And so it’s like one of those things where you just put a little bit more effort in the beginning for greater gain at the end is if it’s at all possible. But I’m saying this with huge empathy of everyone’s state as a parent in the world and how difficult that can be.

Gianna Davy [00:19:08]:
But I’ll just say with my kids, like we really tried to hold off on that constant, yeah, just relying on the Internet and whatnot. And they’re still very curious, I will say. I’m very happy about that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:22]:
Now as you said, this book is geared toward young readers. What impact do you hope that this book has on the next generation next generation of young readers?

Gianna Davy [00:19:32]:
Well, I just hope it gives them something to think about and sparks all those little neurons in their brain to, like, find new pathways. I think, you know, you have to be able to envision something that isn’t even right in front of you to really be a creator or an innovator or an inventor or anything in this world. You can’t only just stick with the things that are right in front of you. So I’m really hoping that just it only takes just a couple of inspirational moments. I mean, I think we’ve all had those moments in life when you just something clicks and you just see something a little different differently than you than you had. And it just shows you, oh, there’s all these different layers to life and to the world. It’s not only this one layer, this one texture, this one color. So I think if I could just give just that little bit of inspiration to somebody where they just are sort of pushed ahead into a new realm of thinking, that would be the ultimate joy for me.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:28]:
Now we’re definitely encouraging all of you to go out, grab this book because of all of the prompts that are in there. Now, Gianna, are there specific activities or follow-up discussions that you recommend for fathers and daughters after reading the book together?

Gianna Davy [00:20:44]:
Like I said, I really I’m just hoping that that it’s not just a read it through and end there kind of situation. I really hope that it becomes an open book on the coffee table and and a discussion that continues at the dinner table, comparing ideas, and it just can’t end with the last page.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:04]:
Now if people are interested in learning more about the book and how they can connect with you more on insights into fostering curiosity in kids, where’s the best place for them to go?

Gianna Davy [00:21:14]:
Well, they can go to my website, which is giannadavey.com, or I have an Instagram page as well that’s named after my first book, actually, which was called No One Owns the Colors. So which is yeah. It’s another book that I wrote. But you can find the easiest would probably be jiannadavey.com because you could just Google my name, and then it has the information about both of the books that I’ve written and other sort of creative adventures I’m on.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:40]:
And we’ll put links in the notes today. Gianna, I just wanna say thank you. Thank you for sharing your story with the masses, with all of us today, sharing your story with your own father and what he did to be able to inspire that curiosity in yourself, and I truly wish you all the best.

Gianna Davy [00:21:56]:
Thank you so much for having me. This This was absolutely lovely.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:59]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of the dad and daughter connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes at dadanddaughterconnection.com. Until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting, and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Outro Performer [00:22:30]:
We’re all in the same boat. And it’s full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time. We give the lessons. We make the meals. We buy them presents and bring your AK. Because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast.

Musical Outro Performer [00:23:05]:
Calling astronauts and firemen, carpenters, and muscle men. Get out and be the the world to them. Be the best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.

How to Teach Your Daughter to Believe in Herself

May 2, 2025 by dadofdivas

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Hey dads! Welcome to Dad Connections in 5, your quick, practical guide to building a stronger bond with your daughter—one intentional action at a time. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today, we’re talking about something every dad wants for his daughter—helping her believe in herself.

Confidence isn’t something we’re born with—it’s built over time through encouragement, experiences, and the way people treat us. And as a dad, you play a HUGE role in shaping how your daughter sees herself.

So today, I’ll give you simple, practical ways to help her develop self-belief, resilience, and confidence—so she grows up knowing her worth.

Why Your Role as a Dad is So Important

Your daughter looks to you for validation and reassurance—whether she’s 5, 15, or 25. When you consistently show her that she’s capable, valued, and strong, she starts to believe it herself.

?? She’ll take more chances.
?? She won’t be afraid to fail.
?? She’ll trust her own instincts, instead of looking for approval from others.

And that? That’s priceless.

5 Ways to Help Your Daughter Believe in Herself

Praise Her Effort, Not Just the Outcome

It’s easy to say, “You’re so smart!” or “You’re amazing at soccer!”—but real confidence comes from knowing she can work through challenges, even when things don’t come easily.

Instead, say:
? “I love how hard you worked on that.”
? “I saw how you kept trying even when it was tough—that’s what makes you strong.”
? “You didn’t give up, and that’s what really matters.”

Teaching her that effort matters more than perfection builds long-term confidence.

Encourage Her to Take Risks

Confidence grows outside of the comfort zone. Let her:

Try a new hobby, even if she’s nervous.
Speak up in class or at a family gathering.
Make decisions without second-guessing herself.

When she hesitates, remind her: “Being brave doesn’t mean not being scared—it means doing it anyway.”

Help Her Reframe Failures

Every mistake is a lesson. Instead of letting failures shake her confidence, teach her how to learn and grow from them.

If she messes up on a test, loses a game, or makes a mistake, say:
? “What’s one thing you can do differently next time?”
? “Every time you fail, you’re learning something new.”
? “Even the best people in the world failed before they succeeded.”

This helps her see failure as a stepping stone, not a dead end.

Show Her Confidence in Action

Your daughter learns from watching you. If she sees you:

Handling challenges without panicking…
Speaking up with confidence…
Trying new things without fear of failure…

She’ll start to mirror that same belief in herself.

You don’t have to be perfect—just show her how to keep moving forward, even when things don’t go as planned.

Tell Her You Believe in Her—Often

Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is say it out loud:

? “I believe in you.”
? “I know you can handle this.”
? “You are strong, capable, and enough—just as you are.”

Hearing those words from her dad can shape how she sees herself for years to come.

Quick Takeaways: Start Today!

Here’s your challenge: Before the day ends, tell your daughter one thing that makes her strong, capable, or brave.

? Praise her effort, not just the result.
? Encourage her to take risks and step outside her comfort zone.
? Help her reframe failures as learning moments.
? Model confidence so she sees it in action.
? Tell her you believe in her—because your words matter.

When she hears these things over and over, she won’t just believe in herself—she’ll carry that belief with her for a lifetime.

That’s it for today’s Dad Connections in 5! If this resonated with you, share it with another dad who wants to raise a confident, self-assured daughter. Until next time—keep showing up, keep believing in her, and keep being the dad she needs.

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and daughter connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
Hey, dads. Welcome to dad connection in five, your quick practical guide to building a stronger bond with your daughter, one intentional action at a time. I’m doctor Christopher Lewis, and today we’re talking about something every dad wants his daughter to do. We want her to believe in herself. Confidence isn’t something we’re born with. It’s built over time through encouragement, experiences, and the way people treat us. And as a dad, you play a huge role in shaping how your daughter sees herself. So today, I’ll give you simple practical ways to help her develop self belief, resilience, and confidence so she grows up knowing her worth.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:53]:
So why is this important? Well, your daughter looks to you for validation and reassurance. Whether she’s five, 15, or 25, when you consistently show her that she’s capable, valued, and strong, she starts to believe in herself. She’ll take more chances. She won’t be afraid to fail. She’ll trust her own instincts instead of looking for approval from others. And that? That’s priceless. So I’m gonna give you five ways that you can help your daughter believe in herself. First, praise her effort, not just the outcome.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:29]:
It’s easy to say, you’re so smart or, You’re so amazing at soccer. But real confidence comes from knowing she can work through challenges even when things don’t come easily. Instead, say, I love how hard you worked on that, or, I saw how you kept trying even when it was tough. That’s what makes you strong. Or, you didn’t give up and that’s what really matters. Teaching her that effort matters more than perfection builds long term confidence. Second, encourage her to take risks because confidence grows outside of the comfort zone. Let her try a new hobby even if she’s nervous.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:11]:
Speak up in class or at a family gathering. Make decisions without second guessing herself. When she hesitates, remind her being brave doesn’t mean not being scared. It means doing it anyway. Third, help her reframe failures because every mistake is a lesson. Instead of letting failure shake her confidence, teach her how to learn and grow from them. If she messes up on a test, loses a game, or makes a mistake, say, What’s one thing that you can do differently next time? Every time you fail, you’re learning something new. Or even the best people in the world failed before they succeeded.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:51]:
This helps her see failure as a stepping stone, not just a dead end. Fourth, show her confidence in action. Your daughter learns a lot from watching you. If she sees you handling challenges without panicking, or speaking up with confidence, or trying new things without fear of failure, she’s going to then start to mirror that, and she’ll believe in herself. You don’t have to be perfect, just show her how to keep moving forward even when things don’t go as planned. And fifth, tell her that you believe in her. Often often the most powerful things that you can do is say it out loud. I believe in you.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:33]:
I know you can handle this. You are strong, capable, and enough, just as you are. Hearing those words from a dad can shape how she sees herself for years to come. So some quick takeaways, you can start this today. Here’s your challenge. Before the end of the day, tell your daughter one thing that makes her strong, capable, or brave. Praise her effort, not just the result. Encourage her to take risks and step outside of her comfort zone.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:01]:
Help her reframe failures as learning moments. Model confidence so she sees it in action, and tell her that you believe in her because your words matter. When she hears these things over and over again, she won’t just believe in herself. She’ll carry that belief with her for a lifetime. Okay. So that’s it for today’s dad connection in five. If this resonated with you, share it with another dad who wants to raise a confident, self assured daughter. Until next time, keep showing up, keep believing in her, and keep being the dad that she needs.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:40]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of the dad and daughter connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes at dadanddaughterconnection.com. Until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting, and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Outro Performer [00:05:11]:
We’re all in the same boat, and it’s full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time, We give the lessons. We make the meals. We buy them presents and bring your A game Because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast. Calling astronauts and firemen, carpenters and muscle men, get out and beat the world to them. Be the best dad you can be.

Musical Outro Performer [00:06:04]:
Be the best dad you can be.

How to Encourage Leadership Skills in Your Daughter

April 25, 2025 by dadofdivas

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Hey dads! Welcome to Dad Connections in 5, your quick, practical guide to building a stronger bond with your daughter—one small but meaningful action at a time. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today, we’re talking about something incredibly important—how to encourage leadership skills in your daughter.

Leadership isn’t just about being in charge—it’s about confidence, decision-making, resilience, and the ability to stand up for what’s right. And guess what? You, as her dad, play a huge role in helping her develop these skills.

So today, I’ll share why leadership matters, three simple ways to build these skills, and practical tips you can start using today.

Why Teaching Leadership Skills Matters

Whether she becomes a CEO, a coach, a scientist, a teacher, or anything in between, leadership skills will help her:

?? Trust herself and her abilities.
?? Speak up for what she believes in.
?? Handle challenges with confidence.
?? Inspire and uplift others.

The best leaders aren’t born—they’re developed. So let’s talk about how to help your daughter step into her own leadership potential.

3 Ways to Encourage Leadership in Your Daughter

Give Her Opportunities to Make Decisions

Leadership starts with decision-making. Give her small opportunities to take the lead in everyday situations.

? Let her choose a weekend activity for the family.
? Ask her opinion on something important: “What do you think we should do about this?”
? Encourage her to solve problems instead of giving her the answer right away.

When she sees that her choices matter, she’ll gain confidence in her ability to lead.

Teach Her to Speak Up & Express Her Ideas

A great leader knows how to communicate effectively. Help your daughter feel comfortable using her voice by:

? Encouraging her to share her thoughts at the dinner table.
? Letting her order for herself at restaurants.
? Teaching her to respectfully disagree and defend her ideas.

If she hesitates to speak up, remind her:
? “Your voice matters. What you have to say is important.”

This builds her ability to express herself with confidence.

Model Leadership Through Your Own Actions

Your daughter is always watching you—so show her what strong leadership looks like.

? Demonstrate problem-solving – Instead of complaining, look for solutions.
? Handle challenges with a positive attitude – Show her that setbacks aren’t failures, they’re learning moments.
? Treat others with respect – Being a great leader means lifting others up.

And most importantly, let her see you leading with integrity, kindness, and confidence.

Quick Takeaways: Start Today!

Here’s your challenge: Before the day ends, do ONE thing to encourage leadership in your daughter.

? Let her make a decision.
? Encourage her to speak up.
? Be the leader you want her to become.

Leadership isn’t about telling her to be a leader—it’s about giving her the space and confidence to step into it herself.

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and daughter connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
Hey, dads. Welcome to dad connection in five, your quick practical guide to building a stronger bond with your daughter, one small but meaningful action at a time. I’m doctor Christopher Lewis. And today, we’re talking about something incredibly important, How to encourage leadership skills in your daughter. Leadership isn’t just about being in charge. It’s about confidence, decision making, resilience, and the ability to stand up for what’s right. And guess what? You as her dad play a huge role in helping her develop these skills. So today, I’ll share why leadership matters, three simple ways to build these skills, and practical tips you can start using today.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:50]:
So why does this matter? Whether your daughter becomes a CEO, a coach, a scientist, a teacher, or anything in between, leadership skills are going to help her trust herself and her abilities, speak up for what she believes in, handle challenges with confidence, and inspire and uplift others. The best leaders aren’t born, they’re developed. So let’s talk about how to help your daughter step into her own leadership potential. So, here’s three ways that you can encourage leadership in your daughter. First, give her opportunities to make decisions. Leadership starts with decision making. Give her small opportunities to take the lead in everyday situations. You could have her choose a weekend activity for the family.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:33]:
You could ask her opinion on something important such as, what do you think we should do about this? Or even encourage her to solve problems instead of giving her the right answer all the time. When she sees that her choices matter, she’ll gain confidence in her ability to lead. Second, teach her to speak up and express her ideas. A great leader knows how to communicate effectively. You need to help your daughter to feel comfortable by using her voice by encouraging her to share her thoughts at the dinner table, letting her order for herself at restaurants, teaching her to respectively disagree and defend her ideas. And if she hesitates to speak up, remind her, your voice matters. What you have to say is important. This is going to build her ability to express herself with confidence.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:24]:
Third, model leadership through your own actions. Your daughter is always watching you. So, watch that and show her what strong leadership looks like. So you can do this in a couple of ways. First, demonstrate problem solving. Instead of complaining, look for solutions. You can handle challenges with a positive attitude. Show her that setbacks aren’t failures, they’re learning moments.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:48]:
You can treat others with respect. Being a great leader means lifting others up. And most importantly, let her see you leading with integrity, kindness, and confidence. So some quick takeaways, you can start this today. Here’s your challenge. Before the end of the day, do one thing to encourage leadership in your daughter. Let her make a decision. Encourage her to speak up.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:11]:
Be the leader you want her to become. Leadership isn’t always about telling her to be a leader. It’s about giving her the space and confidence to step into it herself. Okay. That’s it for today’s dad connection in five. If this was helpful, share with another dad who wants to raise a strong, confident leader. Till next time. Keep encouraging, keep supporting, and keep helping her step into her greatness.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:39]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of the dad and daughter connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes at dadanddaughterconnection.com. Until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting, and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Outro Performer [00:04:09]:
We’re all in the same boat, and it’s full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time. We give the lessons. We make the meals. We buy them presents and bring your A game Because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast. Calling astronauts and firemen, carpenters and musclemen.

Musical Outro Performer [00:04:50]:
Get out and be the world to them. Be the best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.