Dads in the Limelight
Our 380th Dad in the Limelight is Wade Armstrong. I want to thank Wade for being a part of the Dads in the Limelight series. It has been great getting connected with him and now sharing him with all of you.
1) Tell me about yourself, (as well as how you are in the limelight for my readers knowledge)I’m a dad, husband, and technology product manager who lives in LA. Although I’m originally from Baltimore, I’ve been out West since the mid-‘90s and at some point – not yet! – will have to admit to being an Angeleno. I got to spend the go-go dot-com years here and have worked at small companies and startups since, helping dozens of people to pursue their entrepreneurial dreams through my consulting, while starting two companies of my own.
In my current role as a product manager, I use agile methodologies as I work with technology teams both inside and outside the US, to build new features for Web sites and Web applications – that’s a fancy way of saying that we figure out how to do more with less, faster and with better quality, by focusing on what really counts. I try to bring some of that approach to parenting with my blog Kaizen Dad.
Kaizen is an approach to manufacturing and management that focuses on eliminating waste and risks of failure by empowering individuals to change the organizations around them, and giving them the proven tools to do their jobs well. This philosophy is what underlies the Agile systems I use at work every day, so it was tempting to me to apply them at home too. On Kaizen Dad, I try to look at everyday parenting events through this fresh lens, learning something along the way. Hopefully I fit a few yuks in with all this gobbledygook, since I really can’t quite stand being so serious.
In my free time, I really enjoy photography – you’ll see a lot of that on my blog – and mixology. My wife is a willing tester of my new drink recipes, which contributes mightily to my idyllic home life. When I have a couple of free hours, I also enjoy cooking a big meal. And then I run or do some martial arts to get rid of those extra calories!
2) Tell me about your familyI’ve been married to my beautiful wife for almost four years now, and now we have a six-month-old son to go with our two small black dogs. My wife is very successful in her own career as a TV producer, and, while I have a great job that I love and which pays well, I’m also part of that new 20% of dads whose wives are the bigger breadwinner in the family.
Spending so much time at startups, I wasn’t used to having much in the way of work-life balance, and even when I wasn’t working to build something new, I always had some small personal project going on. Now there’s a baby who needs my time, and who gives me more happiness than I could’ve imagined when I let him have that time. I’ve had to learn a lot about how to find that time as we’ve gone along.
My first idea, naturally, was to give nothing up and just not sleep. That didn’t work, so I decided to give up all my projects and get as much sleep as I could instead. After strategy #2 there failed, I came to where I am now: don’t overwork myself, and don’t ask more of myself than I can give (these kinds of errors are called muri in kaizen), but make sure I give all that I can. And I think I’m making serious progress at finding my way without muri.
4) What advice would you give to other fathers?A lot of new fathers are probably like me – totally inexperienced with kids. It’s easy for us to get scared and abdicate the responsibilities and privileges of childcare to our spouses; but that’s the wrong thing to do. Don’t be afraid, and do challenge yourself to do the things that look fun or important with your new child. You will do just fine!
And be assertive at work, too, about taking time off to be with your family, especially a new family. Most companies are happy to make some level of allowance, find out what yours can be. In California, you can get paid half or more of your salary for up to six weeks if you take family leave, so don’t hesitate to take that time! Your employer can’t retaliate in any way, and it is literally priceless – you’ll help your wife so much, and, even better, the bonding with your new baby is so much more amazing than you could ever imagine.
I’ve blocked out an hour to be my time every day – 5:30-6:30am. It’s great to get up and have a quiet house all to myself, for my project of the day. Of course, to avoid muda, I have to make sure I get to bed timely the night before. If I want to get something done in that time, I have to prioritize ruthlessly. (The same thing works at the workplace too – for those of us who have to work a full day, set a hard out time – it’s amazing how much you can get done in just 8 hours, if you’re used to a 10-12-hour day. Many days I get more done in just 8 hours than I used to get in 10!
My wife and I try to be fair in helping each other balance friends and family – we both pitch in to ensure that the other gets time with their friends, or even just to go to the gym; and having that history of pitching in makes it easy for me to stay in with the boy tonight, because I know I can go out tomorrow if I have plans.
Two things, really:
- Be confident
- Be authentic
Confidence is great because, let’s face it, even the baby doesn’t think that you know what you’re doing. Show them they’re wrong by just doing it. There’s nothing so complicated with a new baby that you can’t handle it.
As for authenticity – this is great advice for any part of life, but it’s very true here too. We’re not all funny, or philosophical; we can’t all repair everything around the house, or cook a gourmet meal, or drink a case of beer at a sitting; so why pretend to be one of these other kinds of dads? You bring unique, wonderful things to your child’s life, and emphasize those, not some external standards of coolness, patriarchy, or whatnot.
I’m absolutely shocked how many people are actually interested in seeing photos of my baby and hearing stories about him. I’m also amazed how many other fathers will speak frankly about their challenges and happiness in that role. Advice is plentiful and, once you get past the initial veneer that all guys have to carry around with them, not at all glib.
And going out with your baby rocks. Don’t get locked in because you have a newborn; take that baby everywhere!
One of the big advantages of being the father of a newborn is that you get to see so many firsts – first laugh, first smile, first bite of food, even first breath, which mom rarely gets to see! Talk about memorable experiences, that one ranks high!
With all of these firsts, it’s probably my son’s first plane flight that stands out right now – what a champion traveler he was, how deeply surprised he was when he woke up on the plane for a few minutes, and how I held him for an hour afterwards to help him relax and sleep. We made it all the way from LA to New York with nary a cry!
And I feel required to add — it’s cliché, but it’s really true that, on a daily basis, the most memorable thing is the last interaction I had with my son in the morning before I went to work. I love fitting just one more thing in – a diaper change, a couple of spoonfuls of food, etc. – and it really does make the rest of the day.
If you have any questions for Wade, please leave a comment here and I will make sure that he gets them so that he may be able to respond!
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