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One Dad's Quest to Regain Control of his Kingdom

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Are you facing the prospect of divorce?

May 4, 2016 by dadofdivas Leave a Comment

Divorce

For many different reasons, there can be times when divorce happens and families are no longer able to remain together.  The unfortunate problem this creates is that parents often can’t agree on what should happen with the children following a divorce.  Far too often, many individual parents follow a selfish agenda and forget that they should respect the needs and rights of their children.  Quite a lot of them don’t put the children first.  This is why we have special courts to deal with these kinds of problems.

 

Of course it is important not to repeat the mistake of many millions of couples who have gone before you and decided to stay together “for the sake of the children”.  This is a huge mistake because when two people are remaining together against their will, their frustration is likely to manifest in many negative ways, and it is impossible to totally hide that.  What happens is that you run a real risk of ending up as a bitter and twisted old couple who hate each other’s guts, and with completely dysfunctional children because they haven’t grown up in a loving home environment.

 

It’s not right to put the needs of the children too far ahead of your own.  It’s worth remembering that you are somebody’s child yourself.  Your happiness matters also.  But it’s also very important to respect the fact that children are quite powerless in many respects, and they are not mature enough to handle the emotional storm that is about to be unleashed in their home.  You do need to make sure you achieve a really good outcome that is as fair as possible to everyone involved.

 

When you are facing the prospect of divorce, it is vital that your first step is to consult Family Law solicitors for advice.  They have the necessary knowledge and experience to help you through one of the most difficult and complex legal processes that you’ll ever face in your life.  Don’t under-estimate how necessary it is to have legal representation.  It is definitely a false economy to try to handle these matters entirely on your own.

 

Sometimes parents can go to some quite extreme lengths to try to prevent their former spouse from having contact with the children.  Quite often this is for petty and selfish reasons.  It may be a desire to punish the other person or simply just a matter of spite.  In such cases, it is often because they have made up lies about their spouse in order to create these problems.

 

Not only is this unfair to the spouse, but it is unfair to the children and may even be harmful to their development (“Daddy doesn’t love you any more, dear!”).  You can find a good lawyer at the Solicitors Guru who has powers that can help prevent those kinds of problems.  For example, if you represent yourself in court, you don’t have any powers to directly challenge accusations made against you.  The only thing you can do is respond.  But a lawyer can challenge whatever claims are made, and they will often be successful in revealing the existence of a lie.  For this reason alone, the lawyer is a good investment.

Filed Under: fatherhood Tagged With: divorce, father, fatherhood, marriage

Divorce returns to #DadChat This Week! #Divorce

February 24, 2015 by dadofdivas Leave a Comment

Divorce

When we last took on divorce, we had our biggest #DadChat EVER – and perhaps one of the biggest hours ever on Twitter, with over 200-million impressions. So, why have we waited so long to re-visit this provocative topic? Heck if I know, but we’re TAKING IT ON again this Thursday, February 26 at 6:00 p.m. PT/9:00 p.m. ET with a special co-host to be announced!

 

Filed Under: #dadchat, fatherhood Tagged With: #dadchat, divorce, fatherhood

DADuary Book Review – The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad by @joeljest #DADuary2013 #dadchat

January 25, 2013 by dadofdivas Leave a Comment

About the Book
“The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad” is a unique and award-winning collection of funny and personal essays that examine how divorce reinvents relationships with kids and one’s own sense of Dadhood.

The 40 short “humoirs” — heroic, hysterical, and heartbreaking reflections on being a part-time Dad in a full-time life — make a meaningful read for any parent, particularly the millions who’ve gone through divorce with their senses of humor intact.

About the Author
Joel Schwartzberg is an award-winning essayist and screenwriter, national champion public speaker and speech coach, law school drop-out, horror fan, divorced father, and former Wheel of Fortune contestant. He was a Head Writer for Nickelodeon in 1998 and later an editorial director for Time Inc. Interactive. Currently, he is the Director of New Media for a PBS broadcast news magazine.

Joel’s essays on parenting and other spontaneous phenomena have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, The New York Daily News, The New York Post, The Star Ledger, New Jersey Monthly, Babble.com, Chicken Soup for the Soul, The Huffington Post, and regional parenting magazines throughout the U.S. and Canada.

Joel is also a featured blogger for The Star Ledger/NJ.com’s popular “Parental Guidance” blog and a “Children & Media” blogger for iVillage.

My Take on The Book
This book was a hilarious jaunt through a number of short essays that takes you through the stages that the author went through in being a divorced dad.

For me, I enjoyed the stories and found them to be engaging. I particularly loved the titles that the author used to explain the stories such as: “Beige Food” , “Lazy Dadurday” and and “Sponge Bob Wins” . All of the stories though gave you a wonderful glimpse into the mysterious and funny experiences of a father who is now parenting on his own.

The book does a good job at allowing the reader to look into the mind of a fether going through many different things within his life and dealing with many issues in strides. In my opinion it gives fathers and parents in general a good opportunity to laugh and see parenting through different eyes.

Though Joel does have humorous moments he also has many parts in the book where he is serious and is talking about important topics that impact many families. He is honest with the reader and I for now commend him on this as it makes the book come alive for the reader.

If this book sounds like something you would like for your own library you can find it on Amazon!


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Filed Under: book review, fatherhood Tagged With: book review, books, dads, daduary, divorce, father, fatherhood

Top Ten Tips for Fostering Children’s Resilience after Divorce

May 10, 2010 by dadofdivas Leave a Comment

Top Ten Tips for Fostering Children’s Resilience after Divorce
An Interview with JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, Ph.D.

How children fare during and after a divorce depends largely on how parents handle changes and create quality of life for their children over time. Many factors influence their resilience; research and clinical practice have shown these to be among the most important.

  1. Tell and show them you love them.Repeat very often. Reassure children that the love you have for them will never end—and then back it up with your behavior. Children crave parents’ physical expressions of affection along with words of love, encouragement and reassurance.
     
  2. Prepare children for changes.Begin by telling them about what will and will not change for them as a result of the divorce. “Telling” is not a one-time event. Continue the conversation over time, as family changes continue to occur. An open line of communication is a life line for children, especially during turbulent times.
  3. Strengthen your relationship with your children.Do not allow your divorce from your former partner to become a divorce from your children or your role as their parent. Create frequent, regular, one-on-one time with each child. Use play and other enjoyable activities to build closer emotional bonds and express your love and reassurance. Noticing and expressing appreciation for your children’s positive behaviors and acts of kindness creates good will that fuels hope, optimism, and loving relationships.
  4. Help your children identify their emotions, and respond with empathy.Children often hide their real feelings about a divorce, but by listening carefully, you can help them to explore, understand, and label their emotions. Neuroscience research has shown that labeling emotions has powerful therapeutic effects in the brain. Your empathy for what they are experiencing also helps children cope with powerful feelings.
  5. Contain conflict.
    On-going conflict is poisonous for children, emotionally, socially and physically, and it erodes positive parenting. Never let your children witness violent or hostile behavior or hear you denigrate your former partner. Avoid putting your children in the middle of your problems or creating situations where they feel they must choose between their parents.
  6. Share parenting, if it is safe to do so.Your children benefit from two responsible parents. Reframe your relationship with your former spouse as a “business” partnership whose sole focus is your children’s well-being. Use legal options and experienced therapists to help you and your former partner keep your children’s needs a top priority and create effective parenting plans.
  7. Support and encourage your child’s safe and healthy relationship with both parents.Nurture your children’s healthy relationship with their other parent. When problems arise between them, help your children discuss it respectfully and help them find ways to ease their distress and learn to problem-solve. Do not burden children with adult problems that contribute to loyalty conflicts and alliances with one parent at the expense of a healthy relationship the other.
  8. Focus on what is in your control and strive for consistent, quality parenting.
    Research shows that warmth, nurturing and empathy along with effective and consistent discipline, rules and limits is related to better adjustment for children and teens. Children need and want consistent limits in both of their homes. Knowing how they are expected to behave gives children a sense of control over their own behavior and their lives. They feel a basic sense of trust and security, even as they learn new skills within a loving structure.
  9. Teach and model resilience skills.
    The skills that influence resilience are well defined. Explain and practice: age appropriate understanding and acceptance of family changes, problem solving, coping skills, understanding and managing emotions, differentiating between what can and cannot be controlled, expressing empathy, and fostering hope, competence and confidence. A supportive relationship with caring adults is an essential contributor to resilience. Reach out for support and get help when needed. Resilient children are connected through faith, friends, family, nurturing communities and supportive resources. Support your child’s healthy relationships with other caring adults and mentors.
  10. Provide household structure, routine and traditions that children enjoy—including family time together.
    Reducing the number of major changes in a child’s life and having consistent structure at home helps children to feel safer and more secure when their lives have changed dramatically. Regular bedtimes, meals together, limits on “screen time,” and plenty of quality time as a family are all factors that have proven to positively influence better social and emotional adjustment.

JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and child specialist based in Rochester, New York. She is the award-winning author of Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive after Divorce. Avery/Penguin, 2010. Gold Medal Winner, National Association of Parenting Publications Award.


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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: divorce, parenthood, tips for parents

Book Review & Giveaway – Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce

May 2, 2010 by dadofdivas Leave a Comment

“While I have seen the dark side of divorce, I have also


witnessed the positive outcomes when parents put their


children’s well-being above all else and focus on parenting


that results in children who are confident, resilient,


and ultimately well adjusted.”


—JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, Ph.D

PUTTING CHILDREN FIRST: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce, by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, Ph.D., is the first book on divorce to address all the concealed emotions that children feel, but seldom tell their parents. Dr. Pedro-Carroll has spent 30 years working with children and parents before, during, and after divorce, and has invaluable insights from years of research and public and private practices. Dr. Pedro-Carroll expertly weaves proven strategies with real-life situations that many divorcing or divorced parents can identify and understand.

PUTTING CHILDREN FIRST teaches:

  • How children express the stress of divorce at various developmental stages and how to understand their words and behaviors
  • How to talk to children of different ages about separation, divorce, and family changes in ways that provide reassurance and stability and prepare them for big changes
  • How parents can reduce conflict between themselves, promote their own well-being, and protect children from ongoing animosity
  • What recent behavioral and brain research contributes to our understanding of how to help children through difficult times
  • What emotionally intelligent parenting practices parents can adopt – balancing abiding love and very clear limits on their behavior – to ensure that their own children grow up strong and resilient. 

Divorce does not need to be detrimental – in fact, children can flourish with patience, sensitivity, and the sound advice of PUTTING CHILDREN FIRST.

My Take on the Book

I am dealing with this issue right now in my family so I was definitely interested in this and the topics that were within as I know we will need to be able to explain these concepts to especially Diva-J who is old enough to understand.

The book is ull of great insights into how to best work with children to help them understand what is going on and how to cope with the strain of divorce within a family.

I found the book to e very easy to read and te tips to be easy to implement. The book itself was very straight forward and I liked the flow of the book itself. You can tell that the author truy did listen to children to hear their thoughts, concerns, and fears as you read this book.

Overall, this book will make a great addition for my own library and I am sure it will for you as well. The book goes on sale starting May 4, 2010 nd you can find it then or pre-order it on Amazon!

Giveaway

How would you like to win a copy of this book for yourself? I will be giving away one book to a lucky reader! All you need to do is let me know why you would have an interest in this book to be considered. The contest will run for one week and will end on May 9, 2010.

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    Winner has 48 hours to contact me or another name will be chosen.
  • All opinions expressed in this review are my own and not influenced in any way by the company.  Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Please refer to this site’s Terms of Use  for more information. I have been compensated or given a product free of charge, but that does not impact my views or opinions.


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    Filed Under: book review Tagged With: books, divorce, marriage

    Book Review – How To Know If It’s Time To Go: A 10 Step Reality Test For Your Marriage

    December 22, 2009 by dadofdivas Leave a Comment

    I recently was asked to review an upcoming pubication of a book entitled: How to Know When It’s Time To Go: A 10 Step Reality Test For Your Marriage. This book is written by a husband and wife team and discusses many of the questions that many couples ask sometime in their marriage. Especially though this book examines couples that are having challenges in their marriage that may lead to eventual divorse if something does not change.

    Though the book is short (202 pages), each chapter is packed with down-to-earth examples and scenarios that as a reader you can relate with. Also, the chapters all conclude with questions that you, or you and your spouse can answer to try and see if you are in a situation that you must escape from or if there are things that you both can change to work on salvaging your relationship.
    As a person that is in a strong relationship, I found that the questions and guiding principles of the book are things that even J-Mom and I can grow and learn from.
    As I was reading the book itself, I found myself questioning a few things so I reached out to the author with a couple of questions:
    2) In reading your book I find that many of the questions that you ask can be utilized within healthy relationships as well as those that may be struggling, what are your thoughts on having couples in healthy relationships using this book as a preventative measure?

      Yes, we agree entirely that How to Know If It’s Time to Go is a very useful book for couples who are in a healthy marriage to keep their marriage on track.
      Happily married people too often are afraid to rock the boat when something is troubling one of them; they make the mistake of keeping it to themselves. Every relationship has its disappointments, frustrations or disagreements. It’s a bad idea to paper over these; they tend to get bigger rather than go away. To keep a good marriage on track we encourage couples to take our Marriage Test and see how closely their scores agree or don’t, and where they each see areas where they haven’t come to a resolution they both find workable.
      Too often marriages bog down in all the day to day responsibilities, without much of the fun and romance that got you two together in the first place. We think couples should read our Marriage Bill of Rights to remember what rights a marriage promises to each of you along with all those responsibilities, and to remind one another to provide the good things that those rights promise, like affection, partnership and support, and that each of you needs and deserves from the other.
      Sad to say that many people, especially men, relate how shocked they were when their spouses said they wanted to separate or divorce. Many of these people tell us they thought they were in a happy marriage. No one should be shocked to find out their mate is not happy. The book can help you get into the conversations that you need to have to keep an open dialogue about the best and worst aspects of your relationship, and how to work on it.

    2) What are the top 5 reasons that you have found that people stay in relationships when they should go.

      Our interviews with both married and divorced people surfaced the same fears over and over about separating and divorcing. We discuss each of these in detail in our chapter on myths about separation and divorce. Many of these myths are widely held in our society and are popularized in the media. It’s important to read the statistics that help you see that these are myths and don’t reflect the reality for the vast number of people who separate or divorce.
      • Self Doubt: Am I just being unrealistic about my expectations for marriage? Maybe my marriage isn’t so different from anyone else’s. Maybe it isn’t that bad. How can I know?
      • Impact on Kids: Will my kids’ school performance and behavior get worse? Will they grow up unable to trust, or to marry? Will I lose touch with them? Will they judge me harshly?
      • Impact on Finances: Will I be plunged into poverty? Will all of us be unable to live anything like the lifestyle that we have been used to until now?
      • Loneliness or Same Mistake: Will I be alone forever? Will I wind up in another relationship with someone even worse than the one I am in now?
      • Rejection: Will my family, my friends, my community and/or my religious group reject me? 

    3) What were the main reasons you wished to write this book?

      We started out doing personal research to find out the impact of our own divorces on our two children; along the way we realized we were writing a book about marriage and divorce.
      Shortly after we started dating we confessed to one another our own fears, especially about the impact of each of our divorces on our children. Each one of us has a daughter from a previous marriage. One of our daughters was quite young, about 8, the other was in college.
      We worried about all the things other people worry about: will our daughters judge us for having divorced; will they never want to marry themselves; will they become depressed and will it affect their school performance, relationships with friends, use of drugs or alcohol, or lead to promiscuity?

    So we started doing some research. We were very surprised to put it mildly. The research studies, and there are many of them with thousands of kids that have lasted over thirty or more years, didn’t support our fears. Divorce wasn’t the thing that hurt kids, conflict in their home lives was the key to all those concerns, and the quality of their relationship with their parents. We wanted to tell this story to everyone.   

    4) What advice do you have for those readers in healthy relationships to make sure that things remain healthy?

    There are five things we have found keep a relationship healthy.  

      • Remember what attracted you to spending time together. Both of you need to keep alive what attracted you in the first place. Make sure to make room in your relationship for whatever made you enjoy one another—especially companionship, physical closeness and romance. If you loved to go to movies together and talk about them afterward, if you loved cooking and eating meals together, if you loved bike riding together, if you loved the jokes you shared, don’t leave these things behind.
      • Don’t bury problems, talk about them and keep trying to solve them. If you don’t argue openly about the things that bother each of you, that silence can be just as damaging as excessive open arguing.  Remember that a marriage is always a work in progress. People evolve, problems come up, circumstances change and all of these things need to be talked about with tenderness and respect and the idea that each of you has a stake in finding a successful resolution. Keep talking, don’t let things go underground.
      • Say “yes” instead of “no” at least 75% of the time. Everyone keeps an inner scorecard whether they want to acknowledge it or not. People develop a sense of whether the relationship is fair to them. Each person benefits when there’s a spirit of cooperation in almost all areas of your marriage. Research has shown that saying “yes” 3 out of 4 times to your partner’s requests makes for a happy marriage. That includes saying “yes” to your partner’s romantic overtures.
      • Don’t neglect your kids, but don’t let them totally dominate your lives. Couples have to guard against being too child-centered as well as not sufficiently responding to their children’s needs. Too many couples take parenting so seriously that it becomes almost the entire focus of the marriage. Having kids together was only reason you got married.
      • Keep working on yourself and your marriage; keep growing. One of the most common reasons people give for wanting to end marriages is boredom. They feel their partner stopped growing long ago and eventually that isn’t good enough to keep them in the marriage any longer.

      All opinions expressed in this review are my own and not influenced in any way by the company.  Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Please refer to this site’s Terms of Use  for more information. I have been compensated or given a product free of charge, but that does not impact my views or opinions.

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      Happily married people too often are afraid to rock the boat when something is troubling one of them; they make the mistake of keeping it to themselves. Every relationship has its disappointments, frustrations or disagreements. It’s a bad idea to paper over these; they tend to get bigger rather than go away. To keep a good marriage on track we encourage couples to take our Marriage Test and see how closely their scores agree or don’t, and where they each see areas where they haven’t come to a resolution they both find workable.

      Too often marriages bog down in all the day to day responsibilities, without much of the fun and romance that got you two together in the first place. We think couples should read our Marriage Bill of Rights to remember what rights a marriage promises to each of you along with all those responsibilities, and to remind one another to provide the good things that those rights promise, like affection, partnership and support, and that each of you needs and deserves from the other.

      Sad to say that many people, especially men, relate how shocked they were when their spouses said they wanted to separate or divorce. Many of these people tell us they thought they were in a happy marriage. No one should be shocked to find out their mate is not happy. The book can help you get into the conversations that you need to have to keep an open dialogue about the best and worst aspects of your relationship, and how to work on it.

      Filed Under: book review Tagged With: books, divorce, marriage, relationships

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