Building connections Archives

Building Stronger Bonds: Matt Haviland and his Daughter Olivia’s Father-Daughter Journey

September 21, 2026 by dadofdivas

At the heart of The Dad and Daughter Connection, featured in this week’s episode, is the steadfast belief that the strongest father-daughter relationships are built one intentional moment at a time. In a conversation brimming with honesty and warmth, Dr. Christopher Lewis sits down with Matt Haviland and his 20-year-old daughter, Olivia Haviland, to explore what it truly means to connect, support, and empower our daughters to become confident, independent women.

Listening With Intent

One of the most powerful themes from this episode is the importance of truly listening. Olivia Haviland reflects on her high school years, sharing how her dad’s willingness to listen without judgment made her feel seen and valued. Rather than resorting to harsh discipline, Matt Haviland chose to open a dialogue, striving to understand Olivia’s perspective and guide rather than simply correct. This practice, inspired by a national survey in which teens wished their dads would “listen more,” is a reminder for all fathers: be present, and let your daughter’s voice be heard.

Meaningful Moments Big and Small

Connection isn’t always about the grand gestures. Matt Haviland and Olivia share memories ranging from epic squirt gun battles to heartfelt college essays, and even “loud and obnoxious” declarations of love at McDonald’s. Whether it’s a shared joke, a drive together, or simply showing up at a dance recital, these moments accumulate into a reservoir of trust and comfort. As Olivia Haviland puts it, time spent together outweighs any material gift.

Guidance and Independence

Balancing guidance with independence is a recurring theme. Matt Haviland, a former single dad, emphasizes being intentional with the time he shared with Olivia, supporting her dreams while encouraging self-reflection and growth. For Olivia, this support translated into confidence in her career and life decisions—bolstered by her dad’s encouragement to think long-term and his faith-based guidance.

Real Advice for Real Dads

This episode wraps with practical wisdom: prioritize time with your kids, apologize for your mistakes, and let your actions reflect your family values. Both Matt Haviland and Olivia Haviland urge dads everywhere to listen deeply and value presence over presents.

Ready to strengthen your bond with your daughter? Listen to this heartfelt episode of The Dad and Daughter Connection and discover how every day can be an opportunity to connect, grow, and become the dad she needs.

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TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to The Dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
If you’re looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’re in the right place. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and The Dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we’ll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let’s get started, because being a great dad isn’t just about being there. It’s about truly connecting. Welcome back to the Dad and Daughter Connection, where every week we have a great opportunity to be able to work together to build those connections that we want to have with our daughters one day at a time. You know, I love it that you come back every week because that shows a lot about who you want to be as a father, but also who you want to be and what type of relationship you want to have, relationship that you want to have with your daughter.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:16]:
And it takes time, it takes effort, and it takes work. And we have to keep showing up. And it is so important for us to be able to put the work in for ourselves, but also put in the work with our daughters to be able to have that solid relationship that we wanna have. And that’s why this podcast exists. Every week, I love being able to bring you different people with different experiences that allow for you to be able to learn, to grow, to get some tools for your toolbox, and to be able to take those and use them for the future. So I am really excited today to have a, I’m gonna say a return guest. It’s not really a return guest on this show, but Matt Haviland, is with us. And Matt and his daughter are with us today, his daughter Olivia.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:02]:
And Matt is a past guest of a past podcast that I did called Dads with Daughters about 4 years ago. And I’m really excited to be able to have Matt on, but also this time his daughter Olivia, to be able to talk about the relationship that they’ve been able to build together and also what they’ve learned along the way to share that with you. Matt, Olivia, thanks so much for being here today.

Matt Haviland [00:02:26]:
Yeah, Chris, thanks again for having me back. And this is a really It’s a really special moment to have Olivia with me today. So say hi.

Olivia Haviland [00:02:33]:
Hi.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:33]:
I’m really excited to have you both here. And I want to go back a little bit because I know, Olivia, you’re 20. You know, you’re an adult now. You’re doing the life thing. You’re doing the work thing. You’re out there. And as you think back to the relationship that you’ve been able to build with your dad, what’s one thing that your dad did for you that helped you and made you feel truly seen, heard, and valued as a daughter?

Olivia Haviland [00:03:02]:
Um, I would say in high school, I was struggling a lot with my mental health. And then I was getting myself into a little bit of trouble. And he didn’t ground me. Well, there was like boundaries where he grounded me a little bit, but he was more open to like listening as of like why I did the things that I did, instead of just like not hearing me out and just screaming at me, taking my phone, not letting me hang out with my friends and everything. So that meant a lot to me.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:32]:
And Matt, I guess, take me back to that point for you, because I know you had your own journey as a youth and went through your own stuff. And we talked about, we talked about a lot of that in the first interview that we did. So talk to me about that for you and hearing that from Olivia and how you had to be able to kind of take what you learned to be able to help her?

Matt Haviland [00:03:57]:
Yeah, I was very grateful for a lot of the experiences that I had, not only personally but also professionally or through mentorship as well. I guess where I can go with that, Chris, is Olivia was born when I was 30 years old, so I wasn’t super young. So by the time she’s in high school, you know, I’m in my mid-40s. I would like to say I’ve learned a few things over those 14 or 15 years of parenting her, but I also Just like a lot of people, either parents or— I, I work with fathers also in a professional setting. You know, we learn a lot from our own previous experiences. So the things my own parents did or did not do, so learning how to correct that and apply that as much as possible. Plus working in a fatherhood field for so long, I’ve obviously picked up tips, either again things that I’ve taught guys or other men have taught me as well. But it really becomes a lot different instead of me just telling a dad what to do when I actually have to live this out.

Matt Haviland [00:04:54]:
But I think I could attribute a lot of it to— I was at a conference many years ago, probably 2010, 2012, and they revealed a survey result, a national survey, and they said all these teen kids wish their dad would fill in the blank. And the number one answer was listen more. And that was something that, just like Olivia just said, instead of flying off the handle, telling her how much trouble she’s in, let me hear her out first.

Olivia Haviland [00:05:18]:
Yeah.

Matt Haviland [00:05:19]:
And then we can go from there.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:20]:
Now I know that a lot of times, Matt, we as fathers are trying to build those moments, those meaningful moments that connect us with our kids. And what is one of the most meaningful moments that you’ve been able to share with Olivia and what made it so special?

Matt Haviland [00:05:35]:
Okay, she said the water fight, so clearly that must have been one. It was April Fool’s Day, probably about 4 or 5 years ago. She pranked me in the house and that turned out to a full-blown squirt gun war in the house, actually Super Soakers in the house.

Olivia Haviland [00:05:49]:
Well, I pranked him once and then he forgot to take the tape off the faucet and pranked himself again.

Matt Haviland [00:05:55]:
Yeah, she did the old, you know, she tied the rubber band around the sprayer on the kitchen sink. So when I turned on the kitchen sink faucet, it hit me, and then I shut it off and hit myself again. And yes, that is a very— we’re gonna remember that forever, having a squirt gun fight in the house. Not recommended. My wife had something to say about it when she got home, but it was very meaningful. Another really meaningful moment on a more emotional level was a couple years ago, Olivia wrote a paper for college, and they were to choose somebody that’s inspired them inspired them, and she wrote the paper about me. And it starts out with the words, I am who I am today because of my dad. And I don’t think, Christopher, I don’t think there’s any greater words that a parent can hear than something like that.

Matt Haviland [00:06:34]:
And she went on to say a lot of like what she just said about me being there and communicating with her mom and just so many other things. So that was a special moment. The fact that of all the times I’ve screwed up as a dad over, at that point, over 18 years, and then just to receive the gift like that that says, no, Dad, you did a lot of screwing up, but you did it right as well. And Really, that meant so much. To this day, there’s no greater gift I’ve ever been given than that paper.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:59]:
And Olivia, what are some things that you wish your dad had done differently when it came to building your relationship?

Olivia Haviland [00:07:05]:
I don’t know. I can’t really think of much because from our situation of like me growing up, it was really hard to make time to see me and everything, but he was doing all that he could. From what I noticed, I would just say maybe less of the dad jokes for sure. On a serious note, I can only flash back to when I was little and I wish he learned to cook more things rather than turkey burger and rice and sometimes mac and cheese.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:34]:
That’s fair.

Matt Haviland [00:07:35]:
I was a bachelor for 29 years. Okay, so but just for your audience though, to just kind of backtrack our story, I was a single dad, Olivia’s mom and I never married. So I was a single father for the first 9 years of her life too. So just trying to navigate what that was like raising a child in 2 different homes.

Olivia Haviland [00:07:52]:
Because rules would would be different at my mom’s and then rules would be different here. I would say like not anything that he could do different, but like something I take back is like when we would get in arguments, I would like not talk to him for the rest of the night. But like, he— I’m thankful that you respected my space, but I kind of wish you would have like pushed me a little bit to like talk more. But other than that, I can’t really think of anything.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:16]:
Now, Matt, all of us are trying to help our daughters to be able to become the people that they’re becoming. Talk to me about how you you balanced guiding Olivia while also giving her the independence to grow into the person that she has become?

Matt Haviland [00:08:31]:
Yeah, speaking from personal experience, so being a single father— and I’ve often defined single dads especially as it could be a man who has full custody, maybe it’s split custody, maybe it’s minimal custody— I would be what was defined as a non-custodial parent, meaning I had less than 50% of the parenting time. Because of that, I was really intentional about the time I had with her. But I think that’s just a good lesson for any parent, is to be intentional intentional. I have the privilege of working with new first-time fathers in some of the work that I do, and I’ll talk to them about making time for their kids. You know, there’s a great quote that says, you’ll never have the time for your kids, you have to make time. There’s no other way. And really putting that into practice, um, you know, you go to parks— and this isn’t to shame anybody listening, but it’s a good reminder— and you’ll see all the parents looking down at their phones while the kids are playing. And it’s about getting engaged in their life.

Matt Haviland [00:09:24]:
And I think for having Olivia, because I didn’t have her all the time. I did not want to take her time— the time with her for granted. But any— even for parents that are raising their kids together in the same household, I mean, the reminder still goes that there’s no greater gift that we can give our kids than our time. And being present isn’t just being in the same room, it’s being, you know, mentally and emotionally present. And I know there’s probably a lot of people that have heard that before, but I think it’s true. I mean, just to be there, to be involved with raising kids— yes, you’re going to have the serious moments, But then also, it’s just kind of spending time together. Maybe it’s going for a walk, and maybe at first it’s a goofy conversation, or, or it’s, uh, it gets more serious. When I had Olivia, the average drive home to her mom was about 15 or 20 minutes each way.

Matt Haviland [00:10:09]:
So every time I picked her up, I mean, that’s 20 minutes of car time that we can kind of talk a little bit. So I think it was not just anything one specific, but it was just that continual over and over and over for 18 years of trying to be as intentional as I can, listening to her, correcting mistakes when I, I can, and then Everybody will say it, she is a carbon copy of me. She is literally— I mean, she’s cuter than me, but just, I mean, personality-wise, she is a carbon copy.

Olivia Haviland [00:10:36]:
We stand the same.

Matt Haviland [00:10:37]:
Yeah, our mannerisms are all the same. But really understanding that too, that I’m looking in a mirror here. So when I am raising her, disciplining her, engaging with her, how would I react to that as well?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:49]:
And speaking to that, Olivia, how has your relationship with your dad influenced the way in which you navigate life, relationships, or challenges? challenges today?

Olivia Haviland [00:10:59]:
Um, I would say, I mean, definitely he— I obviously wasn’t alive, but he did struggle when he was a teenager and in his 20s. And I feel like when I got into that point, when I was getting in some trouble my sophomore year of high school and everything, just like for him to know exactly what it was like to do the same things helped him guide me out of it instead of, like I said earlier, yelling at me, screaming at me. He would actually like hear me out and be like, hey, I was in your position once and this is how I got through it. But he would also always bring faith into it and keep me strong in my faith. Like he would always end a conversation with a Bible verse or bring in a passage or a verse just to help me through something.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:47]:
Now, Matt, we talked about— Olivia’s just talking about some challenging times, and all of us go through those challenging times as we’re raising kids. There’s great times and there’s where you might hit rock bottom as well. And what are some intentional ways that you worked to strengthen your bond with Olivia, especially during those challenging times?

Matt Haviland [00:12:05]:
I’ve always had, since I’ve become a dad, and I am one to really— I’m a huge advocate for everyone to have a mentor. You know, I’ve always had a mentor. I wasn’t raised in a two-parent home. My parents were never married. My dad was minimally engaged in my life. So not having that strong father figure in my life, growing up and understanding what that’s like. But when I did become a dad, I’ve always had strong mentor men in my life in various capacities. Some might be in work, some might be in parenting, or whatever it may be.

Matt Haviland [00:12:38]:
So I think being able to talk it through with a mentor who also was a father, and maybe even perhaps depending on who it was, a grandfather— so a mentor just being somebody that’s a little older and has more experience And hearing that out. And Chris, there was a ton of mistakes along the way. I mean, I’m not going to lie. There was— I’ve had some really bad moments as parents, never in a, like, an abusive way or anything, but where I really dropped the ball. And just understand, I don’t ever want to feel like that again. Apologizing to her, admitting that I screwed up and doing my best not to go through that again. But by the time she was really struggling, especially in the late middle school, early high school years, again, by this point, I’m in my mid-40s. I had been parenting her for a long time.

Matt Haviland [00:13:22]:
So, I knew Olivia. I was able to read her cues. And, I understand that might be a little different in every family dynamic, but I was able to read her cues. And, the girl talks all the time. So, when Olivia’s quiet, there’s obviously there’s something going on. And, like she said, I mean, I was in some— my teen and 20s were some pretty dark years in my life and never wanting her to go through that. I struggled with substance abuse and a lot of other I didn’t go that far. No, but I’m just saying I didn’t want you to go that far.

Matt Haviland [00:13:53]:
So being able to kind of curb that beforehand. But there’s always— I think there also was a special bond. And again, this isn’t to take away from anybody in other family dynamics, but because I was a single father, when I had Olivia, it was me and Olivia. So for 9 years, it was just us. We were like a team, you know? And just to be able to read— and I mean, she’s my heart, and I wanted to in so many ways, give her what I was never given from an upbringing even though it wasn’t perfect because she was still being raised in 2 different homes. But nonetheless, giving her the holidays or the Christmases or the love—

Olivia Haviland [00:14:28]:
Dance recitals and games.

Matt Haviland [00:14:29]:
Yeah, attending. My dad made 2 of my baseball games over 12 years. And, I was at almost every game I could make for her or her dance recitals and understanding how important that is for her to look out in the crowd And to see me there.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:41]:
You know, Olivia, earlier I asked your dad about how he worked to be able to provide you with that independence that you needed. Talk to me on your side of how your dad encouraged you to be confident and independent in your life.

Olivia Haviland [00:14:56]:
I would say he’s always been my biggest cheerleader, even if it’s loud and obnoxious at my games. Or there was one time he was saying how much he loved me in the middle of McDonald’s, just screaming it.

Matt Haviland [00:15:09]:
On purpose.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:10]:
On purpose.

Matt Haviland [00:15:11]:
To embarrass her on purpose.

Olivia Haviland [00:15:12]:
But I would say, like, he’s always been like, he’ll send me a, hey, good morning, I hope you have an amazing day. It’s not every day, but I think that’s what makes it more special is that it’ll be like out of the blue or it’ll be like a Bible verse or like I’ll tell him, I’m like, hey, I had a really bad day today. And then he’ll send me a Bible verse or be like, hey, I have time to call. I would say that’s really encouraging. And then also just like, you know, I’ll be at work and then he’ll show up and bring Dunkin’ or Subway, just like showing that even like if he can see me for 5 minutes, like it still matters. So that means a lot to me too.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:51]:
And Matt, we talked before we started today about what Olivia is doing and she’s working in healthcare right now. And I guess as you have been fathering Olivia, how do you support Olivia in pursuing her passions and her dreams?

Matt Haviland [00:16:04]:
Great question. I, first of all, I’m very impressed because Olivia has a career focus already at 20. And I know that’s not rare, but I, at 20, I mean, I was completely in the opposite direction. So I’m already just so proud of her because, I mean, she is very motivated, she’s very determined, she has an excellent work ethic. I mean, she works hard and she really respects the job that she has, even if she doesn’t like it a lot. So, so to encourage her again— Yeah, she likes her job right now, so that’s good. But to encourage her, I would say again, just listening, kind of maybe as she’s talking, processing, like, okay, what’s this going to look like in your life? Is this going to require more schooling? Sometimes I ask her questions like, how do you see this playing out long-term? If you want to get advanced in your career, what’s that going to look like? How’s that going to affect the other areas of your life? And kind of just helping her think through. You know, she doesn’t have all the weight that, you know, we as adults have right now, you know, carrying a lot of mortgages or payments or, you know, other bigger obligations.

Matt Haviland [00:17:09]:
Not to minimize what she’s doing, but—

Olivia Haviland [00:17:10]:
Right.

Matt Haviland [00:17:11]:
But she has some opportunity and some room right now to really dream, like, hey, what do I want to do for a career? And if I do change my career, that’s okay. But she has tremendous skills. I think that’s one thing, is to let her know what skills she has. She’s definitely a people person. She has a hard work ethic. She’s a great communicator. So just kind of saying, hey, these are the things you’re really good at. So where would that fit for you in your career field?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:17:35]:
And Olivia, if you could spend an entire day with your dad doing anything, what would it look like?

Olivia Haviland [00:17:39]:
Oh, no. No signs, no dad jokes. That would be—

Matt Haviland [00:17:44]:
You gotta explain the signs.

Olivia Haviland [00:17:46]:
He is obsessed. I will be trying, like, you know, we go to a zoo, I want to see the animals, and he’s like, oh, I want to know where the animals lived, um, where they came from, how old are they, how many, like, claws do they have, how many teeth. Like, it doesn’t matter. Like, I just— I want to see the animals. And it kind of just began as, like, a running joke. Every time he sees a sign, he sends it to me. I reply with, I’m not reading that. But I would say a perfect day, honestly, I love our beach days because he’s very— I mean, we’re like the same person.

Olivia Haviland [00:18:19]:
Like, we don’t want to get out of the water, but we’ve always played stupid games like how many times can we catch the ball in a row throwing trick shots. And then like during COVID we were hitting a ball on our roof with a tennis racket, like, and made that like a whole summer competition. So I would say just like Like little games, like beach day getaway, just the two of us. And then probably Star Wars at the end. Star Wars are an old movie, but something we do like monthly.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:18:48]:
Sounds like a good day. Now we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our Dad Connection 6, 6 more questions. And I usually ask them just to dads, but I’m gonna ask both of you some different questions or questions for both of you. Uh, first and foremost, Olivia, what’s one word that describes your relationship with your dad?

Olivia Haviland [00:19:04]:
Comforting.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:05]:
And Matt, what’s your word?

Matt Haviland [00:19:06]:
I’d say solid.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:07]:
And Matt, what’s the best piece of dad advice you’ve ever received?

Matt Haviland [00:19:12]:
I think it’s honestly, it’s been in multiple forms and it’s what I’ve already mentioned. It’s just spending time with them. Other things can wait. And I’ve heard a million different quotes in that way, but it all boils down to spending undivided, just they got my attention or she has my attention. Everything else can wait and it’s just our time. So yeah, time.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:33]:
And Olivia, what’s the best piece of dad advice you’ve ever received?

Olivia Haviland [00:19:37]:
I would honestly say, like, like he said earlier, the, like, talking me through it. Where can you see yourself from this? Let’s, you know, visualize what even is it gonna look like in a month versus 5 years. And I would say that’s gotten me a lot of places because before I make decisions now, I always, like, stop and think, like, hey, like, I may like it right now, but in 3 months, am I gonna like what I’m doing? In a year, am I gonna like what I’m doing? Am I gonna wanna be doing this when I’m older?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:06]:
Yeah.

Olivia Haviland [00:20:06]:
I’m 60 or 70 years old kind of thing. So I would say that’s gotten me far in a lot of places.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:12]:
Matt, what’s one activity that you and Olivia love doing together?

Matt Haviland [00:20:15]:
You’re gonna appreciate this one, Christopher. Going to University of Michigan football games.

Musical Outro Performer [00:20:20]:
Okay.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:21]:
And I’m gonna throw it back to you too, Olivia. And it doesn’t have to be the same thing. It’d be something different.

Olivia Haviland [00:20:25]:
Daddy-daughter dances or like donuts with dad or anything that’s like one-on-one mini golf, golf, and football games, definitely.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:33]:
Matt, if you could give Olivia one life lesson in a single sentence, What would it be?

Matt Haviland [00:20:37]:
Love God, love others.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:38]:
And Matt, what’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself since becoming a dad?

Matt Haviland [00:20:42]:
I think—

Olivia Haviland [00:20:43]:
The girl version of you.

Matt Haviland [00:20:45]:
That too. But I would say since becoming a dad, I think you learn how the word selfish feels strong, but I don’t think it’s out of line of when it’s just us. But when it was just me as a single dad or a single man versus becoming a father, it was all about me. I tell my new guys, I think I think being a parent drives you to a level of commitment to your children that would not be attained any other way.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:09]:
And Olivia, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Olivia Haviland [00:21:16]:
I would say put aside anything that can wait, and then also listen before either conversating or just listen to the full story instead of, like, interrupting, getting down to the point.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:32]:
And Matt?

Matt Haviland [00:21:32]:
Yeah, I think it’s so important to live out your values and what’s important to your family. We have a culture that is in many ways just so antagonistic and assaulting our daughters, and to be able to speak against that, letting our daughters know how beautiful they are, how valued they are, their virtue, their beauty, their tenderness. And this is an appropriate conversation for whether you’re raising a 5-year-old or a 20-year-old as well.

Olivia Haviland [00:21:58]:
I would also always say time over items too, because I know A lot of my friends’ parents will be like at work because they work third shift or something. They’ll be like, here’s money to go get something because I didn’t see you all day, or here’s money because I yelled at you kind of thing, instead of just sitting down, actually talking everything out. It helps grow a relationship too.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:20]:
Well, Matt, Olivia, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for spending time with me today, for sharing your journey in your own relationship. Matt is an author as well, and I should mention that he did write a book a number of years back called A Father’s Walk, a Christian-based resource for single fathers. And if people want to find out more about you, Matt, and what you’re doing, where should they go?

Matt Haviland [00:22:43]:
I don’t have a website, but you can email me. I’m completely open to that. My email is afatherswalk@gmail.com. That’s a fathers with an S on the end, walk at Gmail.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:54]:
Well, again, I want to say thank you. Thank you to both of you for your time, for sharing your And I wish you both all the best.

Matt Haviland [00:23:01]:
Thanks, Christopher.

Olivia Haviland [00:23:01]:
Thank you.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:02]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of The Dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes at dadanddaughterconnection.com. Until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting, and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Outro Performer [00:23:33]:
We’re all in the same boat and it’s full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time, we give the lessons. We make the meals, we buy them presents. Bring your A-game, ’cause those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast. Calling astronauts and firemen, carpenters and muscle men, get out and be the world to them. Be the best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.

Laughter, Listening, and Lessons: Keys to Raising Confident Daughters

July 6, 2026 by dadofdivas

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If you’re a dad eager to strengthen your relationship with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’ll want to tune into the latest episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection podcast. This episode dives deep into real stories, practical advice, and genuine reflections on the journey of fatherhood.

Hosted by Dr. Christopher Lewis, this episode welcomes guest Daryle Brown, a retired director of Social Justice and IT at Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, and a father of two adult daughters. What emerges is a warm, honest conversation filled with the kind of wisdom every dad could benefit from.

Consistency and Open Communication:
Dr. Christopher Lewis and Daryle Brown emphasize the importance of being consistently present and level-headed in your daughter’s life (03:03), regardless of the circumstances. Daryle Brown shares how maintaining open channels of communication allowed his daughters to feel comfortable coming to him with anything, even the difficult topics.

Balancing Guidance with Independence:
A recurring theme is the challenge of balancing parental guidance with granting daughters the freedom to make their own choices (06:27). Daryle Brown explains how crucial it is to support, not control, and to accept their individualism—even when their paths or decisions differ from our expectations.

Intentional Engagement:
Being an involved dad is about more than just showing up; it’s about active participation (09:35). Whether attending soccer games or offering life advice, Daryle Brown highlights the impact of being genuinely engaged and available during both the ups and downs.

Listening and Patience:
Another heartfelt takeaway is the power of listening—really listening—before offering advice (15:16). Patience is key, both in conversations and in the natural progression of a child’s growth. Daryle Brown also credits humor and shared laughter as essential elements in building enduring connections.

Lasting Wisdom for Dads:
In his closing advice, Daryle Brown urges dads to be patient, listen deeply, and infuse their relationships with laughter. As he reminds us, “Humor is so critical… it just melts the challenges and the difficulties.”

This episode is packed with down-to-earth insights and encouragement. Subscribe to the “Dad and Daughter Connection” and discover practical ways to show up as the dad your daughter needs. Listen now and keep building those strong, lasting bonds!

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
If you’re looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’re in the right place. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we’ll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let’s get started, because being a great dad isn’t just about being there. It’s about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection, where every week I love having you come back to learn, to grow, to be able to find new ways to be able to build those strong relationships that you want to build with your daughters. And that’s why this show exists every week.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:07]:
I love being able to have you here to gain some hints, some tips, some tricks, some things that you can use right away, to be able to demystify some things and to be able to figure out some ways in which you might be able to adjust what you’re doing, to be able to create those connections. And I do that every week by bringing you different people, people with different experiences that have done fatherhood in different ways. And I love being able to do that because I think all of us can learn even that no matter where we are in this journey of fatherhood. You know, I’ve got two daughters. I know you’ve got daughters, and that’s why this is important. I learned from our guests. I know you do, too. And today we’ve got another great guest.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:51]:
Darrell Brown is with us. And Darrel is someone I’ve known for a number of years. He actually was a guest of a past podcast that I did in the past, and I talked to him about fatherhood then, but we’re going to be talking it more. Darrell just retired as the director of Social justice and IT for Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago and now is living on a farm. So a little bit different and different experiences, but I’m really excited to be able to talk to him, catch up and talk a little bit more about his own journey with his daughters. Darrell, thanks so much for being here today.

Daryle Brown [00:02:24]:
Thank you. It’s a pleasure.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:25]:
Well, I’m really excited to be able to have you here today. And I guess I know you’ve got two daughters. They’re adults now and doing Their things. And I know that they’ve some really amazing things happening in their lives. I’d love to have you think back to your relationship with your daughters and what’s one of the most meaningful moments that you’ve been able to share with your daughters and what made it so special?

Daryle Brown [00:02:47]:
Well, I think that it’s hard to gauge a moment that was just life changing, so to speak. I think what’s been more important in the relationship I have with my daughters is consistency. Them understanding that they could pretty much talk to me about anything, being level headed. When you hear things that may not exactly be along the path that you may want them to go or have them thinking along the lines that you want them to be thinking and to be able to accept their individualism. I think that’s kind of the tone that I’ve taken with them over the years. And it’s worked to the extent that we still communicate very openly, very freely when alcohol or marijuana, those types of things. When my children decided to experiment, so to speak, it was not something that they did secretively. I took my girls out for their first drinks.

Daryle Brown [00:03:38]:
Well, not really, but it was supposed to be that way. I remember now this is my baby daughter, Kamara, my youngest daughter, so she’s 31 now, I think. And I remember her coming to town because she was in college, out of town, she came to town and I remember finding her id, her drinking eligible ID that wasn’t real and being just terribly concerned because what if you get caught with two driver’s licenses and you get pulled over? What kind of damage is that going to do to your whole life? And of course she minimizes, she was like, oh dad, you know, it’s no big deal, everybody does it, blah blah, blah, blah, blah. But for me it was, it was very concerning. It was a prayer moment because I know how the system can react to these types of situations and you never know how deep that rabbit hole is going to run. So needless to say, she grew out of that. She’s always been brilliant and that has come to play through these later years. And I think I may have mentioned to you she just defended her dissertation at Harvard and we’ll be going to the graduation in a few weeks.

Daryle Brown [00:04:43]:
So she turned out all right, even though that was a pretty scary moment. But you have those occasions when they will surprise you and not necessarily understand all the ramifications of decisions that they’re making. So my older daughter’s actually been married. She was married for five years and she’s been probably divorced for five years now, maybe longer. We had a interesting. I wouldn’t call it traumatic situation. Again, these things affect me more than they affect them sometimes. So when she was going through her divorce, she didn’t tell anybody? Well, she didn’t tell me there were people that knew her sister, knew my wife’s best friend, Cynthia, knew she had support in that portion of her life, and it just wasn’t me.

Daryle Brown [00:05:29]:
And I don’t think my wife either. And when she finally told us the dirty deed was done, paperwork was signed, it was, like, over. And I think part of it was that she thought that we might try to talk her out of it. And again, that’s my trying to understand why she didn’t tell us about what she was going through at the time. But at any rate, you know, it happened. There were no children involved, so it was pretty much a clean split. I was pretty sad because I liked him, but of course I liked him based on the relationship that he and I had. I wouldn’t have liked him if I had known the relationship that he and my daughter were having.

Daryle Brown [00:06:03]:
So that was. I don’t know if these were monumental or as you had described it earlier. Hopefully they kind of fit in the.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:10]:
Sure. And one of the things that I know, I mean, is that you’ve been busy in your career, and you’ve had lots of different things that you’ve done in your career. You’ve been a busy person, and there’s been lots of things that you’ve balanced as a professional, as a, you know, personally, in your own life, et cetera, and as a father, you have to balance. So talk to me about balance. And how did you balance not only what you were doing, but really how did you balance guiding your daughters while also giving them the independence to grow into the people that they became?

Daryle Brown [00:06:38]:
Well, Christopher, it starts with having a good partner. And even though my wife was a career person also, I think early in our marriage, she probably did a lot more with and for the kids than I did. I think I probably got better once we moved to Chicago. Part of the stress was a lot of travel. I did a lot of travel on my job, but we made it through. And I certainly tried to give my kids the attention that I could when we were together. When I was around, I may have been busy with work, but I wasn’t super busy with other stuff. So it was like, yeah, I was busy with work, but I was pretty family focused.

Daryle Brown [00:07:17]:
So, I mean, that helped, I think. I think church helped. The fact that we regularly attended church. As a family, our church happened to have a good child children’s church. So we had that going for us. It was a bit of a challenge moving to Chicago away from family, because, as I may have mentioned before, we moved to Chicago when my youngest daughter was like 2 and my older daughter was maybe 9. So that moving away from the whole support structure that we had in Detroit, lots of family, lots of friends, to a new city, that created a bit of stress, but it also, I think, created a bond. We were very, very lucky to have great neighbors, both on one side of us and behind us, with kids the same age as my younger daughter.

Daryle Brown [00:08:21]:
So that that helped very well. We discovered a wonderful Montessori school for my younger daughter that was a great contributor to kind of a steadiness in. In her life. So a lot of different pieces have to come together. And Christopher, I’ll tell you, the reality is we were very fortunate that we were financially pretty well off. Not rich, but, you know, pay a lot for the bricks in Oak park, so we could afford to live in Oak Park. They have very good schools there. They have an incredible.

Daryle Brown [00:08:56]:
I guess I’ll call it a recreation department for the township. We have two beautiful facilities with pools, and they’ve added things since. I’ve kind of aged out of that group. But, I mean, it was a great town to raise a family. So that’s another thing that went very well. Very fortunate. Between church and picking a good town to live in. Very fortunate.

Daryle Brown [00:09:14]:
I don’t take for granted the fact that we could afford to do it.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:17]:
Every father has to really think about the things that they’re doing to be able to build those bonds. And this show’s all about creating those strong bonds. What are some intentional ways that you worked, either in the past or even currently, to strengthen your bond with your daughters, especially during those challenging times?

Daryle Brown [00:09:35]:
First of all, you got to be participatory. If the girls play soccer, you got to go to soccer games, you got to be there. You got to be yelling on the sideline. And more importantly, don’t get me in trouble on this. You have to be able to give them that additional coaching that the coach may not give them. So there was this one team, and this is a soccer league. They were just incredible. They had great players at every position.

Daryle Brown [00:09:59]:
They had speed, they had attitude. And the attitude was the part where I had to coach my daughter. Now, I don’t know if you’re familiar with the concept of playing the dozens. Have you ever heard about playing the dozens? That’s kind of an African American community thing. And it’s when you talk about people’s parents. So my daughter was complaining about how these girls are always talking about us, but I can’t hardly get my head wrapped around it. And I said, next time she does that, you just look her in the eye and say, your mama, and keep it moving. So, you know, sometimes your teachings are a little unorthodox.

Daryle Brown [00:10:32]:
And mom was not happy. Mom was not happy about it. But the reality is, it’s something that me and. Me and Kamara still laugh about today because it worked. You know, it’s just kind of shocking. Just like, what did she just say? So, yeah, I taught my daughter how to play the dozens. I’m not proud, but it happened. So just to say, though, the point of it is, you got to be engaged to the point where, you know, they tell you what’s going on, they tell you their ups and their downs, and they seek your counsel.

Daryle Brown [00:11:01]:
And sometimes the coaches can get them through it, but sometimes the parents have to kind of boost them. Now, I. I will say one of my disappointments was when Kamara was about to move from green belt to brown belt in karate and instead said, dad, I’m done with karate. And that was it. She never went back to another class. And I. I had lots of conversation about it, and nope, didn’t work a comparable thing for my older daughter, Nia. So I don’t know if this is great communications, but when she was going to college, decisions.

Daryle Brown [00:11:37]:
So she had decided that she wanted to go to Boston College. And the reason why was that Boston College, as it had a great international relations program, and she was talking about international relations, they had lots of opportunities to travel abroad, and my wife and I relented, and it was outside of our range, but we said, okay, this is going to be great for you. This is what you want to do. And so she’s up there at orientation, and she’s calling home, just kind of check in, blah, blah, blah. And she says, oh, and I changed my major to psychology. And I’m like, psychology, psychology. Every school in the country has a psychology program. So she ended the conversation with, dad, you ruining my best day ever.

Daryle Brown [00:12:20]:
So I like to tell you I work my way out of that, but I didn’t. She was mad at me for some time, but. So all the communications we do are not necessarily going to bear fruit.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:32]:
No, they’re not. They’re not. They’re definitely not all going to bear fruit, as you mentioned. And none of us are infallible. We are human. And we make mistakes. I guess, as you think about fatherhood for yourself and raising your daughters and even, or even today with adult daughters, what’s a mistake that you’ve made as a father? And what did you learn about it from. No.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:55]:
And what did you learn from it about fostering a positive connection with your daughters?

Daryle Brown [00:13:02]:
I don’t know if I list this as a mistake, but this past Christmas, we vacationed in Jamaica with my older daughter’s partner and his family, and things were going great. We had a great time. But the roads on this particular island were loaded with potholes. And so we’re driving. I don’t know, we may have been driving to the airport with the rental car, and my daughter was in the front seat, my Navigator, but she kept trying to tell me where to drive on the road. You’re too close to the center. You’re too close to the edge. You’re too close to this.

Daryle Brown [00:13:32]:
And we got into basically a screaming match to the point where when we finally got to the airport, I was like, just get out. And we ended up as. I don’t know what exactly went wrong, but we ended up missing our flight and having to reschedule. And as far as I was concerned, it was her fault. And I was like, don’t, don’t. I won’t talk to you. And I would say that the lesson learned is give it time. Because we were a heated argument, we’re fussing at each other.

Daryle Brown [00:13:59]:
We don’t want to speak to each other anymore, and we didn’t for, I don’t know, two, three weeks maybe. Eventually, we talked again. We didn’t go back into this conversation, however. We just picked it back up, you know, So I don’t know how great that advice is. It would just be, hey, sometimes you just got to let it go. There’s not going to be a person that’s right or a person that’s wrong, and you just have to, you know, just have to move on. And that’s okay, too. It’s okay not to define who was

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:24]:
right as you think about your daughters, too. Every one of us, as fathers, have to find ways to be able to show our daughters that they are valued and heard. What did you do intentionally to help your daughters to feel that they truly were valued and heard?

Daryle Brown [00:14:41]:
Well, I have a background in restorative justice practices, but that came later. I think I’ve just been fortunate to have been in situations and places where listening was important. In rj, certainly listening is important. My wife and I participated in a Program, I don’t know, 40 years ago, maybe 35 years ago, where we went into schools and we taught. I say taught, but it was kind of an enrichment type program in struggling schools. And as part of that, one of the important components was learning to listen and hearing people. And there are lots of other things to it, and a lot of those we implemented in how we raised our own children. But I think the important thing is being able to hear them out.

Daryle Brown [00:15:26]:
Before you offer up your life wisdom, you’ll be surprised at what you’ll learn. I think being available to listen. I think my daughters have always felt like they could talk to dad, that there was no subject that they couldn’t broach with me. I mean, I. I’ve been in lots of conversations about boyfriends. I certainly would tell them if a boyfriend rubbed me the wrong way, but for the most part, I let them have their own age appropriate experiences, I would say. And I think that’s worked pretty well. They’re going to make their mistakes with their relationships.

Daryle Brown [00:15:57]:
I made a few myself. So I think I lucked out and found a good gal. And we celebrated 40 years of marriage last year. So as she reminded me recently, when I came down here, before we were married, we came down to the farm, this is the farm that we’re living at now, to meet Uncle Fred and Ahmaud and help them celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. And my wife was like, this is how we do it in my family. So that’s been a mantra of ours that we’re shooting for 75 years.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:26]:
That would be an amazing milestone for you.

Daryle Brown [00:16:30]:
40 is good for me too. Now it’s a matter of living right, eating right. Let me tell you, this farm life, I’ve only been doing it for maybe four weeks, really being here all the time. And it’s a great exercise program.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:45]:
I can only imagine. Now, I know both of your daughters are very different people. They went off and are doing very unique things, different than each other, and had different dreams, passions. Talk to me about how you supported your daughters in pursuing those dreams and passions.

Daryle Brown [00:17:05]:
I think you just have to be there on the. During the down times, when things are going great for them, all you have to do is ride along. But when things aren’t going great, when they’re stressing out about tests or milestones and things that need to come up, being able to talk them back from the edge with confidence, understanding that no matter what happens, it’s not the end of the world. But at the end of the day, you got this. You’ve got a whole history of success behind you. There’s no reason in the world that you should be stressing yourself out about whatever comes next. I mean, it’s just another step. I’ve had those phone calls when they were both of them on their own paths where they were just not feeling it.

Daryle Brown [00:17:47]:
I think that Camara, when she was working her way through her PhD, she took a year off. And some of my friends that had been through programs like that said that sometimes that’s good. Of course, as a parent, your concern is that they’re never going back. This is the end of the road. Not the kind of stuff I would ever share with her. I may have negative thoughts creeping in my head, but I would not share that. My conversations with her were always supportive and uplifting. And you can do this and just stick to it, take some time off, get your head together and then get back to it and you’ll be fine.

Daryle Brown [00:18:18]:
Similarly, Nia had her struggles when she was in law school. Law school is a burden. And a lot of it they do on purpose. You know, it’s a weeding out process and we managed our way through it. But I think for us parents, we need to be able to bear some of that internally and not necessarily be in that same rhythm. When they’re down. We can’t be down with them. We have to be that positive, that positive notion that kind of brings them up a little.

Daryle Brown [00:18:45]:
You’re not going to necessarily bring them from a depression of getting a C minus on one of your law school papers. You’re not gonna bring them up immediately, but you need to stay positive. I think that’s the moral of the story. As parents, we need to stay positive. They don’t need the pressure of us leaning too hard on them. We need to be able to help them get back on an even keel and not be down there waddling in the mud with them.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:09]:
One of the other questions that I wanted to ask goes down to, and this could be from the past or currently, is what’s one way that you show your daughters that they can always count on you?

Daryle Brown [00:19:20]:
I think that unfort I’m not as good at this with my wife as I am with my daughters, is not overreacting, not getting out of phase, not getting angry, not showing anger, being able to maintain that equanimity. I think that’s important. They have to be able to know when they come to you with something that they know is going to piss you off, that you’re not going to go over the edge about it and that you’re going to be able to deal with them and deal with the conversation or whatever the struggle or helping them with a solution that you’re going to be able to do that without overreacting. I think that’s a very important thing and not easy, not easy to always master. And as I said, you know, it’s okay to walk away sometimes if you feel yourself going over the edge, because I don’t know how many chances a child gives you if you continually go over the edge, yelling, screaming, cussing, fussing, whatever. I don’t know how many chances you get if that’s going to be your reaction, because pretty soon they’re going to seek other people to. To get that kind of counsel. So that would be a caution for parents, especially young parents.

Daryle Brown [00:20:23]:
You can’t be jumping edge every time they do something that makes you mad. They’re kids now.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:27]:
We always finish our interviews with what I like to call our dad connection. 66 more questions to delve a little bit further into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Daryle Brown [00:20:35]:
I’m ready.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:35]:
What’s one word that describes your relationship with your daughters?

Daryle Brown [00:20:39]:
I’m struggling between warm and humorous.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:41]:
What’s the best piece of dad advice that you ever received?

Daryle Brown [00:20:46]:
You know, I think that for me, I grew up in a relatively complicated dad orientation. I had a genetic father, I had an adopted father, and then I had a stepfather. So I had three men that could be framed as dads. And I would say that the lessons, the lessons I learned from my stepfather and the kindness that he displayed to my mother and me, his own children, to some degree, that is a model that I’ve used. So I don’t know how that fits your question, but I have more of a model that guides me than anything else. Else.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:23]:
What’s one activity that you and your daughters love to do together? And it could be different for each daughter.

Daryle Brown [00:21:30]:
Cook.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:31]:
If you could give your daughters one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?

Daryle Brown [00:21:35]:
Take time to have fun. And we do.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:38]:
What’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself since becoming a dad?

Daryle Brown [00:21:42]:
I think I’ve learned how to be patient. I’ve learned how things don’t happen right away. And by the way, daughters helped me learn that. Gardening helped me learn that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:51]:
And finally, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Daryle Brown [00:21:59]:
First of all, be patient with them. Listen, have fun. Laugh. Oh, my God. Laugh. That’s. That’s critical. My daughters and I, we laugh.

Daryle Brown [00:22:08]:
We have fun together and we laugh a lot. Everybody can’t be a comedian and my wife will tell you that I crack myself up. But definitely humor is so critical in any relationship. It just melts the challenges and the difficulties and the differences. So have fun with each other.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:24]:
Well, Daryl, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being here today. Thank you for sharing all that you have shared. If people want to find out more about you, where should they go?

Daryle Brown [00:22:32]:
Oh boy. You know, I’m. I’m retired and I’m just kind of building my socials in a new direction. So I would say just send me an email for now. Darrell D A R Y L e q@gmail.com my link tree is justice work.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:49]:
Well, I truly appreciate you sharing that. We’ll make sure to put links in the notes today. And as I mention mentioned, I really appreciate your time. I wish you the best in your farming journey and I look forward to hearing more about what this journey brings.

Daryle Brown [00:23:04]:
I’ll be tapping into you when I get some stuff going. I got a few things. I got eight trees planted. By the way, it’s a hell of a lot harder to plant a tree than you think. I got some big pots, I got some wildflowers, little things because I got whole fields I got to worry about. But we’ll get to that. Next Thursday we’re going to start the cultivating and the tilling and. And it’s a farmer’s life for me.

Daryle Brown [00:23:23]:
Oh, that’s a pirate’s life. Oh, I missed it. Wrong one. Christopher, wonderful. Thank you so much for inviting me on. It’s been a pleasure.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:33]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of the dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being, being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes@dadanddaughterconnection.com until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Outro Performer [00:24:03]:
We’re all in the same boat and it’s full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time, we give the lessons, we make the meals, we buy them presents and bring your A game. Cause those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world you down Be the best dad you can be Be the best dad you can.

Breaking Parenting Cycles: Building Lasting Dad-Daughter Connections

October 20, 2025 by dadofdivas

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, but that doesn’t mean you’re alone on the journey. In the recent episode of the “Dad and Daughter Connection” podcast, Dr. Christopher Lewis sits down with Tia Slightham, creator of the Parenting With Purpose method and a coach to high-achieving parents. This insightful conversation dives deep into the challenges, growth, and opportunities both dads (and all parents) face when raising confident, emotionally secure daughters.

One of the standout themes from the episode is the importance of breaking cycles—especially those rooted in our own upbringing. Tia shares how her father broke the cycles of abuse and alcoholism from his own childhood, emphasizing that while he didn’t always have the resources or know-how, his willingness to try made a lasting impact. She encourages listeners that “breaking cycles is something I think we all have the power to do,” reminding us that parenting is ultimately a learned skill.

Tia explores different parenting styles—what she calls the “overpowering tiger,” the “wet doormat,” and her preferred “positive discipline parent.” She describes how her own parents modeled these behaviors, and how she’s forged a new path centered on connection, mutual respect, and discipline without punishment. For dads looking to build stronger relationships with their daughters, she recommends focusing less on forcing behaviors and more on connecting through empathy, listening, and presence.

A practical tool Tia shares is “Golden Time”—spending 10 focused, device-free minutes a day doing an activity your child chooses. It’s a simple but powerful strategy that helps rebuild connection, whether you’re dealing with young children or teenagers.

The episode also covers the struggles parents face with emotional connection and communication. Tia urges dads not to shy away from sharing their own experiences and emotions, showing that vulnerability can build empathy and trust. She advises parents to shift their language, replacing “if” statements with “when,” to reduce power struggles and foster more respectful interactions.

Ultimately, this podcast offers hope and actionable advice for any parent feeling overwhelmed, stuck in chaos, or disconnected from their kids. Tia’s core message is clear: change starts with us—and it’s never too late to build the relationship you want with your daughter.

Ready for more stories, expert advice, and practical tips? Listen to the full episode to start building stronger bonds and raising confident, independent daughters!

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. If you’re looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’re in the right place. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we’ll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let’s get started. Because being a great dad isn’t just about being there. It’s about truly connecting.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:51]:
Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection, where every week we have an opportunity. We have an opportunity to be able to up our game, to be able to help ourselves, to be those dads that we want to be and to be able to build those strong connections that we want to have with our own daughters. That, and I say that we have an opportunity, because we do. Because when you go into fatherhood, there is no set pathway. There’s no manual, there’s no set thing that you have to do to be the best dad you can ever be. But there are things that you can do to be successful and to be able to build solid relationships with your children to help them along the way. Those tools for your toolbox, per se, that you can have and take with you. And a lot of times you can learn from others.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:39]:
You can learn from others, whether it’s your neighbor, whether it’s a friend, whether it’s someone you don’t even know. They can help you along the way by giving you some of the tidbits, some of the things that they’ve learned along the way to help you to become stronger as well. That’s why this podcast exists. This podcast is here to help you, to give you some of those tools for your toolbox, to help you to be able to be the dad that you want to be. And that’s why every week I love being able to bring you different guests with different experiences that can provide you with some perspective and challenge you in some different ways, to be able to help you think about fatherhood in different ways as well. So you’re going to meet fathers, mothers, and others that are here to be able to give you some resources. And today we got another great guest. Tia Slytum is with us today.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:26]:
And Tia is a creator of the Parenting With Purpose method and a coach of high achieving parents, and she works with parents to be able to help them to get through some of the challenging points, but also work in many different ways to be able to become those strong parents that you want to become. We’re going to learn about the parenting with purpose method today, but we’re also going to learn a little bit more about Tia and. And her own experience with her own father and some of the things that she’s learned along the way. So I’m really excited to have her here. Tia, thanks so much for being here today.

Tia Slightham [00:03:00]:
Thanks so much for having me. I’m excited to chat with you.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:02]:
You know, I’m really excited to have you here today. And as I said, I love being able to start these conversations first, focusing on your own relationship with your father. And every relationship is unique. Every relationship is different. Some are positive, some are negative, Some are somewhere in between. I guess one of the questions that I’d love to start with is, as a daughter, what’s one thing that your father did to help you feel truly seen, heard, and valued as a daughter?

Tia Slightham [00:03:29]:
Yeah, it’s a really good question. I think when I look back at my childhood and then where I am today in the work I do in the line of, you know, my focus with parents and parenting and raising kids, a lot of what I learned from my parents, whether that be some positive, some negative, really shifted my mindset in the kind of parent I wanted to be and the kind of parent I wanted to help others be if they had the similar values and goals. And my. My dad had not a great upbringing, and I. One of the things I’m so passionate about is breaking cycles. And breaking cycles is something I think we all have the power to do. When you have that toolbox like you talked about in the beginning, and. And you have that skill set, because parenting is not intuitive.

Tia Slightham [00:04:14]:
It’s a learned skill. Whether you are a dad, whether you have little kids, big kids, it’s all a skill set, and everybody’s capable of learning it, but you have to be taught that. And so when I think about my dad, unfortunately, and sadly for him, he was not taught that he didn’t have role models that he needed to have. You know, he had abusive parents and alcoholic parents, and he never had that chance to be seen, heard, and understood. And what I love most about my dad is, although I still shifted much of my parenting to not mimic his parenting, he really broke the cycle of abuse. He broke the cycle of alcoholism. He broke a lot of cycles. And so when I think about how my dad helped me be seen, heard and really understood in the early years.

Tia Slightham [00:05:03]:
He wasn’t great at that. He didn’t know exactly how to do that. But as an overarching father, 100%, I’m very. And as an adult, our relationship is so close because he was able to have the strength to break the cycles in whatever way he could do.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:21]:
Now there’s other dads that are out there that may be in those vicious cycles that, you know, they grew up in, and they’re trying to break them themselves. Talk to me a little bit about what you saw your dad doing to break those cycles, or you’re. What you’re seeing other parents doing to try to break the cycles. And what are some suggestions or things that you might put out there for other fathers that might help them to do the same?

Tia Slightham [00:05:45]:
Yeah. So one of the things I think it’s really important to look at first is what exactly is our parenting style? Like, what is our style of parenting? And really, there are, like, three core parenting styles. I like to use my. My own terminology to help it stick into our brains, because I forgot what I had for lunch yesterday, and we all forget things. So let’s try and remember these things. And so one of the parenting styles is what I refer to as the overpowering tiger. This is that authoritarian style. Whereas a parent, your kids need to listen to you because you said so.

Tia Slightham [00:06:17]:
You’re the adult, you’re the boss. They need to respect you no matter what. And they should just do it because. And unfortunately, that’s the style of parent my dad was. My dad was that overpowering tiger, where we are listening because we don’t want to know what happens if we don’t listen. And so we listen out of fear. We listen out from control, which is what I didn’t want to do as a parent. My mom would make up for my dad’s parenting style of overpowering tiger by being what I refer to as the wet doormat.

Tia Slightham [00:06:46]:
This is that permissive parent who wants to set boundaries. And you want to show your kids how to be respectful and listen and cooperate, but you don’t know how to hold and maintain what I call three Cs. Boundaries being super concrete, clear and consistent, and really learning to follow through with discipline and not punishment. And so I have these two different. This teeter tottering of parenting where we’ve got the overpowering tiger on one side and then the wet doormat trying to make up for the fact that the tiger is so overpowering. And both of those parenting styles are very confusing for kids. It doesn’t show, you know, kids are born with two jobs. One is to please you, and one is to push boundaries until boundaries are found.

Tia Slightham [00:07:27]:
And unfortunately, if you’re the overpowering tiger, your kids are only listening when you are overpowering them, because that’s the boundary they’ve learned. Whereas if you’re the wet doormat, they’re not listening. They’re pushing. They’re pushing. They’re pushing until you hit your breaking point and either give in, give them extra chances, or you then turn into that overpowering tiger. So either way, that’s creating the cycles that parents most often want to break. And so the goal is really to become, you know, in my opinion, in my practice, that number three parenting style, which I recall to as the positive discipline parent. So you’re really that mutual respect parent where our kids listen and they show us respect because we listen and we show them respect.

Tia Slightham [00:08:12]:
And that’s really, really how you build a strong connection and bond so your kids can learn life’s hard lessons, but in a way where they don’t feel overpowered, they don’t feel fearful, and they don’t feel like they can walk all over you, because kids really do need a guide, a teacher, and a leader. And that’s where we really want to work to kind of find that balance.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:31]:
Talk to me about that a little bit further. Go a little bit deeper in regards to your own experience with that and what made you kind of develop that framework for. For others. What was it in your own childhood that made you decide that as you were developing this framework that you needed to develop or unpack that for yourself?

Tia Slightham [00:08:52]:
Yeah, I mean, I think about some kind of, you know, we create these core memories in our childhood. And I always say to parents, our actions and our words, what we role model today, they live with our kids forever. Like, we have such a huge impact on our kids. And it can either be positive or it can be negative. And I think about some of those core memories as a child, and yet I still have positive ones of both my parents, but the ones that really stick with you are those not so positive ones. And I can remember being really little and wetting the bed and really feeling so sad and so shameful and so afraid to have to, like, tiptoe downstairs in my nightie, sopping wet to try and get to my mom’s side of the bed so that my dad wouldn’t harp at me and make me feel terrible for wetting the bed. And no, no child needs to feel like that. No human needs to feel like that.

Tia Slightham [00:09:47]:
Because kids don’t. You know, Jane Nelson of the founder of positive discipline, you know, always says this amazing quote, and it’s kids do better when they feel better. So where do we get this crazy idea that we’re going to make somebody feel worse to get them to do better? And if you think about it, like, when have we ever had a boss who just yells at you and screams at you and tells you how stupid you are and how dumb you are and how awful you’ve done? And then we say to ourselves, yeah, I’m going to work harder next time. I’m going to just show up. No, we, we feel squished under a rock. We feel it’s debilitating. We don’t build the confidence and skills to do better. And so as a parent, I knew I didn’t want my kids to ever be afraid to come to me with anything.

Tia Slightham [00:10:32]:
I never wanted them to feel scared. I never wanted to them feel like I was making them feel stupid or shameful. And I wanted them to know that I’m always in their corner. And I think as a child, I never really knew that my dad was in my corner, even though I knew he loved me because of his parenting style. And that’s not what he wanted to portray. It’s just that’s all he knew.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:56]:
As you look at your father now, or have. I should have asked before. Your father is still alive. Okay. As you talk to your father now and he can see what you’re doing with other parents, talk to me about conversations that you’ve had as you become an adult. In looking back at what he did as a father and what you’re doing now and how those either connect or disconnect.

Tia Slightham [00:11:22]:
Yeah. So together, him and I haven’t discussed a lot about my childhood. We’ve sort of just moved through as adults and built an amazing relationship. I’m gonna fly home and see him next week and play a couple rounds of golf with him and have lunch, which I’m really looking forward to. But what I noticed from my dad is he pays attention to what I’m doing. And when I see him with my boys, his grandsons, I can tell he knows where he, he wished he made changes and where he wished he had the support to make changes. Which is why I love what you’re doing for dads out there. And I’ve left a five star review, so everybody else should go and do that as well.

Tia Slightham [00:12:04]:
Who’s listening? Because dads and parents of all parents need support. And I think what’s most Important when my dad sees the line of work I’m in and the success of the business I’ve buil is the sadness I think he has that he didn’t have that support and he didn’t have somebody show him what to do or how to be better. And I think he’s worked hard to be better as a dad of adults and as a grandfather.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:28]:
I appreciate you sharing that. Now, I mentioned that you have this method, and we’ve kind of been talking a little bit about it already as I looked at it and I kind of explored it myself. I know that you’ve guided a lot of different families. I think your website said over 5000 families through your parenting with purpose framework. Talk to me a little bit about the core principles beyond what we’ve already been talking about. And why do you think that they resonate so strongly with parents who feel struck, feel stuck in chaos?

Tia Slightham [00:12:57]:
Yeah, most parents, and this is what makes us so different and so successful in what we do, is most parents are looking for quick tips and tricks. They’re scouring the Internet. They’re googling, they’re reading books. They’re just. They’re. They’re doing small mini courses. They’re just trying desperately to fix the problem and get their kids to listen, get them to cooperate, get them to be respectful. The challenge is it’s not about getting our kids to do, it’s about getting ourselves to do.

Tia Slightham [00:13:25]:
And really, the key is shifting what you’re doing as a parent to then shift your child’s behavior. So most of us live in this core struggle of forcing our kids, forcing our kids to listen, forcing them to cooperate, forcing them to do their homework, forcing them to get off their device, forcing them. And it’s just this constant negative battle because we’re basically telling our kids, you’re the problem, you need to be fixed, and you’re the reason I’m so upset. So an ability to connect with your kids in that moment is almost impossible because they are feeling the weight of this being all their issue. So we’re not building confidence. We’re not building security. We’re not building trust. But what we do inside our program is we say, hey, you know what, kids? This isn’t your problem.

Tia Slightham [00:14:08]:
This is our issue. I’m the adult. I need to learn how to do better. I need to learn how to use effective language. I need to learn how to discipline without punishment. So no more yelling, reminders, empty threats, taking things away, bribery, rewards. I need to learn how to. To solve my challenges in my parenting so that I can help you be the best you can be.

Tia Slightham [00:14:31]:
And I think when we’re searching for quick tips and. And tips, we’re still focusing on the child. And so it might work today, but it doesn’t work tomorrow, or it might work with one child, it doesn’t work with the other, and nothing’s giving you lasting results. Because the root of the issue isn’t your child’s behavior. The root of your issue is your parenting, your current parenting st and what needs to be shifted.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:51]:
You know, one of the things that I’ve learned in talking to a lot of dads is dads want to support their kids, but sometimes struggle to connect emotionally. And I think we talked a little bit about some of your own experience with that, with your own father. What lessons from your method and working with parents can dads use to adapt to strengthen their own parenting approach?

Tia Slightham [00:15:13]:
Yeah, connection, I think, is like the biggest issue for parents and kids, whether it’s sons, daughters, moms, dads. If we don’t have a strong connection, we’re really lost, and our kids are lost, and we’re lost. And one of the tools that we use in our program, which I coined Golden Time, my son, when he was 4, actually named it Golden Time, and it’s stuck since then. And you can call it whatever you want. And I’m going to actually give all your listeners a free copy to download and implement this, because sometimes we don’t know where to start, especially when we’re stuck in these really deep cycles. And it just feels like your kids are saying, I hate you. I don’t want to be around you. You’re the worst dad ever.

Tia Slightham [00:15:50]:
Like, you don’t know. You don’t get me. You don’t understand. How would you know? And we feel almost trapped, like we’re stuck in quicksand, and we don’t know where to begin. And I want parents to know that you can begin with just 10 minutes a day. Like, 10 minutes a day can have a really big impact. Even five minutes a day can have a really big impact. And so I want parents to download this at the end of the episode and really start implementing.

Tia Slightham [00:16:14]:
It’s a chance for you to connect with your kids without your devices. Yes, I know that feels tricky for all of us. But without your devices, really allowing your kids, whether you have young kids, young daughters to choose a fun activity, if they like to bake or they like to play dolls, or they like to color or do trucks or whatever it is they like to do, or for older kids, you know, being a mom of a teen to just sit and chat or to go for a walk or to do a TikTok dance with them, or to go get an ice cream cone. There are things you can do that are low pressure that will allow you to spend 5, 10, 15 minutes not talking about homework, not talking about the things they’re not doing, not talking about the fact they didn’t make their bed and do their chores. Because we need to get to a place where we can build a connection so you then can get them to do those other things. But if you don’t start with a connection, it’s a really big uphill battle.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:17:05]:
It definitely can be an uphill battle. Now, you emphasize raising confidence, emotionally secure kids. What does that look like in practice, especially for our daughters who are growing up into young women with their own voices?

Tia Slightham [00:17:21]:
I think that what you just said right there is the most important piece. They need to have their own voice. And if we are, if our parenting style is stuck in that permissive parenting or that authoritarian parenting and we’re that tiger in that doormat, we’re not allowing our kids to really have a voice. We’re not creating a mutual respect environment. We’re really creating, creating, you know, that hierarchy environment where we’re kind of overpowering our kids and we want to, like I said, still be the guide, the teacher and the leader. But what’s so important is, I think about it with my own two boys, you know, who are 14 and 16, both almost six feet tall. I’m only five, three, so they could really force me to do things physically, and I can’t force them to do things. And we have to get to a place where our kids want to do the right thing and they feel good about doing the right thing.

Tia Slightham [00:18:08]:
And that intrinsic drive and motivation is what motivates, moves them to make great choices and be responsible and be independent and thrive. The challenge is, is if we are stuck yelling and reminding and power struggling. And if you don’t do that, you’re not going to have your phone and I’m going to take this away from you. They’re never going to have a voice. And so I really encourage parents to remember that less is more. And a lot of times we start harping and nagging and harping and nagging, and I can tell you, your kids aren’t listening to it. They have learned to tune you out and they’re not listening. So I want you to really challenge yourself and ask yourself, am I actually listening to my kids or am I Trying to win an argument and nobody is winning.

Tia Slightham [00:18:52]:
In a power struggle, you think about it like a game of tug of war, you might win because you finally give in. I mean, you might win because you finally yell and get so loud that they say, okay, fine, I guess I better do this. Or they win because you get so exhausted that you give. In both those scenarios, nobody won. So if you are in power struggles with your kids, nobody’s winning. So I challenge you to put your end of the rope down and to say this isn’t about winning, less is more. And am I really listening to what my child needs here? It doesn’t mean you’re not going to have a voice and an opinion, but we do need to listen. And one of the things I can ask, you know, all of your listeners to kind of do a litmus check on is how often you use that most detrimental two letter word.

Tia Slightham [00:19:32]:
And no, it’s not the word. No, it’s actually the word. If we use the word if all day long. If you don’t do this, this, if you don’t knock that off, if you do that one more time, if you’re not ready by this time, if you, you know I’m going to leave you. If you’re not ready, I’ going to pay your cell phone bill if you don’t do this. We’re just constantly on our kids with these ifs. If is the number one power struggle word. And as soon as you say the word, if your kids are saying they want to challenge me, sure, I’ll come up against them, no problem.

Tia Slightham [00:20:00]:
So what we want to do is swap out the word if and simply use the word when. So instead of if you don’t do your homework, no phone. When your homework is done, then you may use your phone. Instead of if your shoes aren’t on, I’m leaving you. I know you’re not leaving your child. So let’s not use empty threats that aren’t true. When your shoes are on, then we can go. So what we’re doing is we’re empowering, we’re giving choice, we’re letting them know that they, they have some control in this situation.

Tia Slightham [00:20:24]:
But we’re not creating power struggles. We’re actually creating mutual respect. So thinking about your language, less is more. Let’s swap out if and use when for some simple things. You can start, you know, right away today.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:35]:
I love that. And it is a, I’m going to say an easy switch, but it might not be easy because it’s like any change in your Routine. You get into those routines and. And it’s going to be not always easy to change those routines, but you can slowly make those adjustments to be able to move in the right direction.

Tia Slightham [00:20:55]:
Yep. And just by listening to this, parents are going to all of a sudden catch themselves saying, oh, I just said if again, shoot. I just said if again, shoot. That’s great. Because that awareness, we call those awareness flags. You can’t make changes if you don’t know where you are. And so the awareness is actually a huge step forward because you didn’t have that before. And the more you keep catching yourself, the better you’re gonna get at it.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:17]:
Now, I know even in my own experience in raising daughters and working with my spouse, there are definite challenges that mothers and daughters have. And I know you work with a lot of moms who, as your website says, are tired of guilt, yelling, and power struggles. What can dads do or what can dads learn from the struggles that moms are facing? And how can they step in as true partners?

Tia Slightham [00:21:45]:
I think a lot of times parents feel like if they’re not completely aligned, they can’t get the results they’re looking for. Like, if my, for example, my husband wants to keep yelling and I don’t, then I have to just keep on this path because they don’t want to make changes. And our kids will never change if we both don’t change. What I want you to really think about is that, that zero parents making change, zero results happen. One parent makes a change, and you see a change, you have results. And I always say, we’re not going to force our kids and we’re not going to force our partner. We have to role model it. So if you are struggling, I always say, ask for help.

Tia Slightham [00:22:25]:
Ask for help, whether that’s from your partner, if your partner’s able to help you, or an outside source and you do what you need to do. I see often there’s the good cop, bad cop one, parents saying no to everything, and then the kids go to the other parent because the other parent is going to give in. And so it’s just constant confusion for kids. And so I think as a partnership, it’s important to see what are the dynamics in each of those relationships. Do we need outside help to help in this situation, or is this something we. We have the skill set to resolve? And one of the things I say to parents with that less is more kind of common theme is saying nothing is better than saying something. So if your partner is getting really heated, have a tag out System where she’s like, I’m tagging out because less is more and I don’t want to say something I regret. So I’m going to walk away and you can step in.

Tia Slightham [00:23:14]:
And I know it’s really helpful if two parents are supporting one another to have a tagout system, because you don’t have to solve each problem in that moment. You can step away, you can think about it, you can calm your nervous system, you can take deep breaths, and you can really think about how you want to respond to that situation versus staying in it. Heightening, on fire, sweating and reacting, because then we’re gonna say something and do something we regret.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:41]:
You know, sometimes dads worry about overstepping when their daughter’s going through emotional challenges, either themselves or with their mom. How can a dad be present without overshadowing the experience that the daughter is in or overshadowing that mother daughter bond?

Tia Slightham [00:24:00]:
I think it’s so important. I, I know there’s sort of the stereotype that dads don’t share their emotions as much. And I’m, I’m not put everybody in a shoebox by any means, but I think there’s nothing better than a dad who’s willing to just share a bit about their experience. What was it like when they grew up? What, what, when did they feel that same way that their child might be feeling in that moment? Maybe what lesson did they learn later in life? Because a lot of times it does happen to be the moms who are maybe dealing with some of the more emotional things, and it’s not always the case, but I think there’s no greater impact than having a male role model and a father figure be able to show emotion, have emotion, and let their kids know that emotions are okay from anybody. And I think that’s something. When I was growing up and going back to my dad, never really had connected with me about emotions or never really connected with me about sadness or feelings. And I know he was very sad. I mean, any child who was raised that way is very sad.

Tia Slightham [00:25:05]:
And I think being open and honest to the best of our ability because it’s not always easy to do in situations where our kids are feeling really upset helps them feel less alone versus us telling them how they should feel, because that often undermines their emotions versus us sharing our experience and our emotions to help build that connection.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:25:26]:
You know, as I think about what you’ve been saying, a lot of times there are, as you said, the parents that are looking for the quick wins, they’re looking for the Advice, they’re looking for something that they can do right away. And parenting advice can. Overwhelming at times. If you could give dads just one or two practical, try this today, strategies from your framework, what would they be?

Tia Slightham [00:25:46]:
I think we’ve given a few of them today, for sure, that I want you to keep on that checklist for sure. Really thinking about your language, thinking about your parenting style and where you need to make some shift shifts, and really, for sure working on doing golden time with your kids. But I think when we look at kind of a framework and a method, it’s a giant puzzle, and it’s all the pieces of the puzzle that we really need to think about. And so, so often when parents say, my kids don’t listen to me, to their homework after school, let’s say, and it’s a big battle and it takes me three hours, it’s not the homework that’s the issue. It’s the things that came before the homework that were the issue. It was the way we were setting things up or not setting things up. And so my point in that is, is that we need to be as proactive as we possibly can as parents. And that means setting the stage for success and not reacting in the moment.

Tia Slightham [00:26:38]:
So if you’re listening and you feel like you have bedtime challenges or listening challenges around doing homework or turning your device off or whatever the challenge area is, I want you to ask yourself, do I have a complete system and boundary in place, or am I just telling my kids what to do? So what we do typically is we say our boundaries, and we don’t set our boundaries. So you say to your kids, you need to get ready. Then you, you know, you need to do this, you need to do this, you need to do this. And you think they speak English, they speak your language. Of course they understand. Why aren’t they doing it? They’re doing it on purpose. They’re doing it to be. They’re going into revenge mode.

Tia Slightham [00:27:16]:
They’re purposely trying to make me angry. No, no, no. Every behavior has a deep rooted purpose. And it’s never just to make you angry. It’s our kids. Kids lashing out to try and get some of their needs met. Okay. Which is what one of the things we help parents do in our program with our behavior needs roadmap tool to get all those needs met.

Tia Slightham [00:27:35]:
But what I want you to think about in this moment for what you do know is if I’m telling my kids what to do all the time, I’m saying boundaries, and I’m not setting boundaries. And in order to set a boundary, you’ve got to follow three steps. The first step is you need to identify what your expectations are from start to finish. What exactly needs to happen, what’s the time frame, what needs to be completed first, what’s the order? Go through it in detail. Step two, you need to do what we call ttp, Teach, train and practice. So we’re not just telling our kids, we’re making checklists, we’re using visual charts with younger kids with pictures and words, we’re using timers, we’re ensuring they know the plan and we practice it. We have them write the list with us, we go through it, we discuss it, we maybe role model it for younger kids to show them what might be correct or not correct so they can correct you and you can learn that they know what to do. And then the third step is your follow through always needs to be set up in advance to avoid it becoming punishment.

Tia Slightham [00:28:34]:
So what I mean is, if you tell your kids that they need to get ready in the morning before they use their phone and all of a sudden they’re using their phone and you come downstairs and you say, that’s it, no phone, you’re done. You punish them because you got to overpower them and you got to decide what happened because you weren’t happy happy with what they were doing. But on the flip side, if you have your expectations, you teach, train and practice and you set your follow through of when you choose to use your phone before your morning routine is completed. Then you’re telling me you would like to break from your phone for the entire day and we’ll try again tomorrow. Now, when they’re on their phone before their morning routine is done, you don’t need to be angry. You don’t need to be mad. I’m really sorry you made that choice. It looks like you’re taking a break from your phone and we’ll try again tomorrow.

Tia Slightham [00:29:21]:
So the difference is your kids learn to make choices that work for them or don’t work for them, instead of you making all of their problems your.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:29:30]:
Problems as we finish up today. You’ve built a seven figure coaching brand around this work which shows the need is real and widespread. What motivates you the most in helping parents and what gives you hope for the next generation of daughters growing up today.

Tia Slightham [00:29:48]:
So my work is a true passion and I built the business just out of my love, really, that started with kids. I’ve always loved kids. I wanted to babysit from the time I was tiny I wanted to be a mom more than anything in the world. It is the best gift beyond. But my passion really comes from the fact that parenting can actually be really easy and it can be so enjoyable and it can be the best moments of your life and we can create the best moments for our kids lives. And we’ve worked with thousands of parents from around the world from various countries and they all come with common themes. They’re crying, they’re stressed, they’re overwhelmed, they yell, they hate themselves for yelling, their kids don’t listen, they wish they could build this connection and they don’t know how. And where I feel most proud about the work we do is anybody who is committed to doing the work and allowing us to guide them.

Tia Slightham [00:30:39]:
We have a hundred percent success rate. So there isn’t a way to quote unquote fail in parenting when you have the right steps, the right accountability and the right guidance. So for any parent who truly wants to master parenting so that you can resolve your own relationship challenges but also role model to your kids how to one day parent their own kids, if they choose to have kids, then there’s. There’s no downside in learning how to do these things and it works every single time. So hence our success in our company is if parents weren’t successful they would let us know. And luckily everybody who joins and does the work leaves totally 180. They’re happy. They can’t believe it.

Tia Slightham [00:31:20]:
They thought nothing was going to work. The light switch has been flipped and their kids are going to bed early and they’re staying in their beds and they’re doing their homework and things they never thought possible. But it was because they were forcing their kids to try and make those changes. And of course our kids don’t know how. We have to teach them and we have to show them the skills to do that. In joining our program we get to teach you exactly how to do that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:31:40]:
Now we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our dad connection 6. I usually ask these to dads, but when I have moms on or other parents on, I always ask them questions and I’m going to ask them in a little bit different way because some are a little more dad centric. So I’m going to ask you as a mother as well and as a resource to dads, as you think about your own experience in being a parent, what’s one word that describes your relationship with your sons?

Tia Slightham [00:32:09]:
I would say warmth. I think have two. It makes me teary eyed whenever I talk about Them two, like I said, six feet, massive men who hug me goodbye every day, tell me they love me, still want to snuggle, still want to share things with me. They’re very independent. They do their own thing. They’ve got their friends, they’re. They’re not with me all the time, but when we’re together, everything is very warm. And I want them to know that emotions and warmth are great, whether you’re a male or a female.

Tia Slightham [00:32:37]:
And I think it’s really important to try and build that warmth in young men as they grow up and also in young women.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:32:43]:
What’s the best piece of dad advice you’ve ever received from my dad?

Tia Slightham [00:32:49]:
What I would say is the best advice is to never give up so you can accomplish, just like my dad did, by breaking the cycles. You can accomplish, you can create what you want to create, but you can’t give up. And it doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be perfect. It doesn’t mean we’re not going to have moments where we feel like we’re failing. But by not giving up, it’s the only way to see really what’s possible. And my dad has definitely shown me that through his own life and his own accomplishments.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:33:19]:
What’s one activity that you and your sons love doing together?

Tia Slightham [00:33:23]:
Oh, we love to golf together. I picked up golf a few years ago just mainly because I have two boys and they were loving it. And I thought, where could I spend some serious time with my boys? And we all know if, you know, golfers, golf takes up a lot of time. Time. And we’ll go out and we’ll talk and we’ll spend the afternoon together. We listen to music in the golf cart. If we’re driving or we’re walking, you end with a great meal. And the amount of connecting and conversation and openness that happens when you’re out on the golf course is something I really cherish.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:33:55]:
If you could give your son’s one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?

Tia Slightham [00:33:59]:
To do your best and not care what anybody else thinks. Thanks. Because your best is always enough. And your best is never to be looked down upon, even if you don’t feel like you succeeded how you wanted to. But your best is all that anybody can ask for. But most importantly, it’s all that you should ask for.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:18]:
What’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself since becoming a mom?

Tia Slightham [00:34:21]:
Since becoming a mom, I guess what I’ve realized most is we can do anything and everything. I mean, we are amazing creatures as humans. It is fascinating to create kids. Kids, raise kids. See this fact, the fact that we create little human beings. And I think I’m pretty proud of the relationship I have with my boys. Although not perfect, nobody’s perfect. And I don’t want anybody to think that just because I’m a parenting coach and my boys are in my amazing doesn’t mean that we don’t have mistakes and that we’re not perfect.

Tia Slightham [00:34:52]:
And so one thing I’ve learned is that we can really accomplish anything we want to accomplish. We can do a hell of a lot of amazing things, and it doesn’t have to be perfect in order to be amazing.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:35:01]:
And finally, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Tia Slightham [00:35:08]:
I think the advice is to know that you’re not going to create that with little random bits and pieces and to find somebody that can help you really break those cycles and shift that dynamic. If you’re in a rut that you’ve been in for years. Most parents have been stuck in these challenges and these cycles for years. And to ask for help. Because when you ask for help, not only do things get better for you and your relationship with your own daughter, but you also role model to your kids that asking for help is a strength and that we are not perfect, that we also need to learn and we also need to grow. And I think there’s no better way to empower your kids than to say, hey, I need some help with this and I’m going to get some help. Because this is something I don’t have. All figures figured, completely figured out.

Tia Slightham [00:35:56]:
Because sometimes I think our kids think they’re just the ones that don’t have things figured out. And we have it all figured out. And I think you really build a bond and connection with your kids when you’re willing to own up to your faults, ask for help and really empower by showcasing that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:36:08]:
Now, if people want to find out more about your method or get more information about you, where should they go?

Tia Slightham [00:36:14]:
Yeah, I think the easiest way is to head over to Instagram. My Instagram handle is TIA Parenting Coach. So TIA Parenting Coach. And if you head over there, not only will you find tons of videos and tips and strategies and information, but most importantly, I’ve put together a really special battle free parenting bundle for all of your listeners. These are things that my highest paying clients get inside our program, but I want to give it to your listeners because Like I said, this is a passion project for me and I want to help as many parents as I can. So if they, if you head on over to Tia, parenting coach and DM us the word dads, we are going to give you access to two amazing tools and resources. So if you’re a parent who’s yelling power, struggling, not feeling connected to your daughter, you’re feeling like you’re losing that connection, time is running out. You need to figure this out.

Tia Slightham [00:37:05]:
Then you’re going to want to head over there and DMS dads and you’re going to have access to our Golden Time 5 ingredient 10 minutes a day tool that’s going to turn things around so quickly as well as an opportunity to join my team or myself on a breakthrough call where we are going to connect with you personally on zoom, talk about your challenges, talk about where you’re stuck, see what your goals are, what you want to do achieve, and really help set up a 90 day plan for you so you can start working towards that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:37:32]:
Well, Tia, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for everything that you’re doing to be able to support parents in so many different ways, for sharing your own experience with your own father, but also the experiences that you’ve had with other parents. Because the things that you’ve shared today are definitely things that all of us can do to be able to start that process of building stronger connections with our kids. And I just want to say thank you and I wish you all the best.

Tia Slightham [00:37:59]:
Thank you so much.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:38:00]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of the dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can. You can find all our episodes@dadanddaughterconnection.com until next time, Keep showing up, keep connecting and keep being the dad she needs.

Tia Slightham [00:38:31]:
We’re all in the same boat and it’s full of tiny screaming passengers we spend the time, we get the lessons, we make the meals, we buy them presents and bring your A game Cause those kids are growing fast the time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world to them. Be the best dad you can be Be the best dad you can.

Humor, Heart & Hard Truths: Dads Guiding Daughters Toward Adulthood

September 1, 2025 by dadofdivas

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

If you’re a dad who wants to create a lasting, meaningful bond with your daughter, you won’t want to miss this episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection. Dr. Christopher Lewis sits down with Rob Finlay—bestselling author, accomplished entrepreneur, and dad of four (including three daughters)—for an honest, heartwarming discussion about the joys and challenges of fatherhood.

From the start, Dr. Lewis emphasizes that being a great dad is less about perfection and more about presence and intentional connection. There’s no universal playbook for fatherhood, especially when it comes to raising girls who are confident and independent. That’s why he brings in guests like Rob, who candidly shares both his successes and the lessons learned through mistakes.

One standout theme is the importance of vulnerability and authenticity. Rob talks about never hiding his emotions from his daughters, showing them by example that strength and sensitivity aren’t mutually exclusive. He wanted his girls to see a father who could be both a gentleman and deeply caring—teaching by doing rather than merely telling.

Throughout the conversation, both Dr. Lewis and Rob stress the value of teaching resilience and self-reliance. Rob encouraged his daughters to try new things, pushed them to stick with commitments, and allowed them to experience failure—knowing these moments are key to personal growth. He highlights the importance of letting daughters step into adulthood on their terms, supporting them with guidance rather than control.

Another powerful insight is Rob’s approach to life skills. Prompted by a late-night call from his daughter (“Can I put the green gas in my Jeep?”), Rob realized the value of giving kids the foundational tools they need to navigate adulthood—from financial conversations to problem-solving. His new book, Hey Dad, Everything You Should Have Learned About Life But Didn’t, is packed with practical, real-world advice and a healthy dose of humor to make learning approachable.

Fatherhood isn’t static, and the parent-child relationship evolves—what matters is open, honest communication and the willingness to keep learning together. Whether you’re helping your daughter make big life decisions or just sharing a favorite meal, every interaction counts.

Ready to be inspired? Listen to this heartfelt episode and take away actionable tips to deepen your connection with your daughter. Tune in at Dad and Daughter Connection—and start building those strong, confident relationships, one day at a time.

If you enjoyed this episode we ask you to take a moment to take our Dad and Daughter Connection Survey to let us know more about you as a dad. You can also sign up to get our newsletter to stay connected to our community and we will send items of interest to you to help you to be the dad that you want to be. Feel free to follow me on the following social media platforms: Facebook, Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, X.

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
If you’re looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’re in the right place. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we’ll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let’s get started, because being a great dad isn’t just about being there, it’s about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection, where every week we have a great opportunity to be able to work together on this journey that we’re on. Learning more, doing more, and trying to be the dads that we want to be, to be able to build those connections that we want with our daughters one day at a time. And I first and foremost want to say thank you.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:13]:
Thank you for always coming back every week and putting yourself out there to learn more. Because all of us are a work in progress and to be honest, none of us know everything that we need to know to be able to be the dads that we want to be. Becoming a dad does not have a playbook. It does. There’s no right way to father. But there’s a lot of things that you can learn along the way to help you to be that engaged, more present dad that you want to become. And especially in raising daughters, there are so many things that we can do to be able to build those positive relationships through positive communication. And that’s why every week I love being able to bring you different people, different people with different experiences that can help you to be able to add some tools to your own toolbox that you can then take into the day to day experiences that you’re having with your daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:06]:
Today we got another great guest. Rob Findlay is with us today. And Rob’s not only a best selling author and accomplished entrepreneur, but also a dad of four. And as a part of those four, he has three daughters. His personal stories of late night calls for help paired with his professional expertise make him unique, uniquely qualified to speak to parents about raising capable, confident young adults. Plus, his engaging, no nonsense delivery resonates with anyone who ever who has ever googled how to reset a circuit breaker at 2:00am I love that. And we’re going to be talking about a brand new book that he has called hey, dad, everything you should have learned about life but didn’t. And it is definitely a humorous and practical guide to the real world lessons that every young adult needs to know, but that are not always taught.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:56]:
So we’re going to be talking about his book as well as, first and foremost, learning more about him as a dad. But, Rob, thank you so much for being here today.

Rob Finlay [00:03:04]:
Oh, thank you so much for having me on the show. I’ll tell you, I Wish you existed 20 plus years ago when I had daughters, because I’ll tell you, I grew up in a family with a brother, dad and mom, but. But maybe a little bit more traditional where it was very much a man’s household. And in fact, I go so far as my mom wouldn’t even put pantyhose that she would buy from the grocery store in the same bag. My brother and I could see it. So I grew up without any real understanding of what it was like to have a sister or anything until Lord blessed me one day with three beautiful daughters and I had no idea what I was doing. So I wish you were there years ago for me.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:45]:
Well, you can still learn and you never stop being a father to a daughter. So there’s always going to be more things to learn along the way. So that being said, I want to learn a little bit more about you as a dad, seeing that you come from that background. I guess as you think back to your daughters and raising your daughters, what’s one of the most meaningful moments that you’ve shared with your daughters and what made it so special?

Rob Finlay [00:04:07]:
I think one of the things is I was never afraid to show emotions in front of my daughters. I think that was a very different departure from maybe where I was, but they would know. And now it’s almost the joke of they see a movie with a dog dying or something sad in the movie that dad will cry. And I think it was important for them to see that emotion. At the same point, I also wanted them to see what I wanted to portray as a male to them, which is I’m polite, I’m respectful, I have manners, I have etiquette. Right? These are the things that were important. So I wanted to be a gentleman and maybe a little bit on the macho side, but also showing that I had enough sensitivity and tenderness that I could support them at either direction.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:49]:
As you just said that. I mean, you said you weren’t afraid to show that vulnerability, but at the same time, you also had that macho side as well. And so there’s A balance between both sides of that personality. And as you’re raising daughters, you’re trying to balance, also guiding them to give them the independence to grow into their own person. And so how did you do that?

Rob Finlay [00:05:15]:
I think it was about pushing them. I actually believe that I wanted to see them fail. I wanted to see. And I know that’s very hard. I mean, parents can’t. And probably back at the time, I probably didn’t. But in hindsight, I was much more open to them exploring their own paths and pushing them, but not being overbearing. I wanted them to have interest and do things on their own, keep them focused.

Rob Finlay [00:05:37]:
If they made a commitment to do cello, well, you’re going to take Chiello. You’re not going to try it for two days and then quit. You’re going to do it and you’re going to try it. But if you don’t like it after that, or if you. If you’re really horrible at it, doesn’t really matter, but at least you’ve tried it. And so those were some of the things that I did. One of the important things that I feel that for young adults and for young kids is to have a broader experience with other adults and other people outside their friend groups. And this was critical for me, that I wanted to make sure that my girls and my son, too, were comfortable networking, having adult conversations, and being exposed to things other than just mom and dad in their friend group.

Rob Finlay [00:06:19]:
And so since they were young, you had them in farming groups. I would have them come to business meals with me just so they could see what it was like to be exposed to something other than just the sort of the family unit.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:33]:
As I said at the very beginning, going through this process of raising daughters is a learning process for all of us as fathers. And there are specific things that we all can do to be able to strengthen that bond with our daughters. For you, with three daughters, what are some intentional ways that you have done, have worked in the past or are currently working to strengthen your bonds with your daughters, and especially during challenging times?

Rob Finlay [00:07:00]:
I think, first of all, the young women that I see today, the young women that are my. My daughters, those are my daughters, we said, like, when they’re in their 20s, are very different than the young women that I knew 25 years ago when I was a young man. And the young ladies today that I’ve created and I’ve seen are much more independent. And therefore, the needs that they have tend to be more of financial understanding and business understanding and things like that. And my Daughters typically will come to me with questions that are much more about their financial independence than it is about navigating their own personal life or personal relationships. There I think there was a stage not, you know, all fathers, I think, go through this where your daughter is the apple in your eye and she’s there and she’s with you all the time and she’ll tell you everything. Then she goes to this different stage where maybe she’s not as comfortable talking to you about boyfriends and things that they’re doing. But then it comes back around where now these boyfriends are becoming, okay, this is not just a boyfriend, this is actually a serious relationship and we want to move in together.

Rob Finlay [00:08:06]:
So we start having those dialogues of that where it’s a very different situation. It’s not dad being emotional saying, okay, I’m bringing a boy to the house for the first time, it’s dad, this could be my life partner for life. And what are the things that I have to think about from a practical or even a, I don’t want to say business, but a financial standpoint. And that’s where these conversations have started. And these are very difficult conversations because at 20 some odd years old, these are adult conversations. When you’re talking about, one of my daughters has a very good job, her boyfriend does not, they’re sharing expenses, they’re living together. So now it becomes a different thing of, okay, well how do you protect these things that are yours and yet still have these relationships? And it’s almost equivalent to what a prenup agreement is to an adult. You’re now having these conversations with people who are in their early stage of adulting, just launching.

Rob Finlay [00:08:56]:
And they have so much to do anyways with just launching. They’re on this what I call magic carpet ride of life where from the day they’re born, basically until they have this big life moment which is graduation, and get thrown into the real world, everything is coming at them all at once. And now you have to compound it with some pretty difficult grown up conversations.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:16]:
So talk to me about that because you are having those conversations. And as I’m listening to that, I know I have a daughter in college right now, she’s not at that point yet. How do you approach that without stepping over the line and stepping into a lane that, that they don’t want you in? In that regard, I think at this.

Rob Finlay [00:09:36]:
Point is this is where you let your child fail to a level where it’s acceptable. But there are times where father knows best, even though they don’t like it and sometimes. But I’ve been around the block. I’ve experienced this myself. And so coming to them with this conversation, I think it’s more of the approach where I want them to come to their own conclusions, but the questions that I lead will prompt them. It’s not that I’m trying to show influence over my daughter, but rather use my influence to let them come and make the right decisions themselves. And they are hard. The first move in boyfriend is.

Rob Finlay [00:10:12]:
Is the big one, and we live together, and it’s gonna be wonderful. Oh, okay. But let me ask you, what would happen if, first things first, you get a pet together? Who gets the pet if something happens? Just think about. You make your own decisions. I think I’m very quick to do that with my girls. I want them to make the decisions, but let them know the consequences, the things that they don’t think about. Because you’re like, you’re at a. At an all you can eat buffet.

Rob Finlay [00:10:35]:
You want to eat as much as you possib you can without the consequences of, oh, geez, I just ate way too much later that night. And so it is about having the mind. And I think the important part of all of this is the demeanor that I have to provide to my daughters is one of very calm. And my wife is usually very good to maybe give me a little pinch. Right. If we’re on the call and I might get a little excited, they can hear it in my voice. I have to detune it a little bit because I think. And at least with my own experience, and it’s also a little skewed for me, because my day job is my business, just like yours.

Rob Finlay [00:11:08]:
You’re at the university. My day job is at a business, and I hire a lot of young analysts right out of college. And predominantly, they are young men. And so my management style with them is different. And just like with my son, my conversation, my tone with my son is very different. With my daughters, including each individual daughter, there’s a different approach to talk to each one. And so it just comes back to the demeanor has to be set, and the conversation, the tone has to be set commensurate with the child.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:38]:
You know, I know that there have been plenty of times that I’ve made mistakes, and none of us are infallible. What’s a mistake that you’ve made as a father, and what did you learn about it in regards to fostering a positive connection with your daughters?

Rob Finlay [00:11:50]:
Well, I’ll tell you, there’s a lot of things. I mean, the whole Purpose of the book that I wrote was because of a late night phone call just on a certain instance. And I realized, have I taught my kids everything that they should know to go be an adult? And not that you have to know everything because you learn as an adult, you learn every day. But, but have I given them the foundation? Go out, get out on their own, get a job, get an apartment, make friends, become a good healthy adult. All of these things have I built them the foundation? And then it starts to do the. Where it spirals as a father, like, well, geez, you know what? I spent all my younger years when they were around trying to build a business thinking that it was important for me to provide for them. And maybe the providing that I should have given was maybe more emotional and less financial. So it starts to come around as what did I do wrong as a father? Now, fortunately I have a good relationship with all of my kids and but this book has really sort of opened up my eyes where I look back at all these things that I don’t know that I taught them.

Rob Finlay [00:12:49]:
Was it because I wasn’t there? Was I an absent father? Or was it maybe in many cases I told them and they didn’t listen, or was it because I wanted to take care of them? And I’m very guilty of that with my girls. My girls, if they know if there was a light that went on in their car, all they had to do is go up and say, hey dad, Daddy, there’s a light on in my car. And I would go run fix it it, I wouldn’t make them do it. Now in hindsight would have been better for me to push them back to solve their own problems.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:17]:
So let’s talk about your book. And as I mentioned, you do have this brand new book called hey dad, everything you should have learned about life but didn’t. And one of the things that I noticed when looking at the book, you talk about that green handle moment in your book and it’s a powerful moment. So it was that call that you got. And so tell me more about that call. But what did that call from your daughter teach you about the importance of dad and daughter communications in the transition to adulthood?

Rob Finlay [00:13:46]:
So the call to put give your listeners sort of the perspective, it’s the middle of the night, probably one or two o’clock in the morning, which for me that’s, that’s bedtime. I’m already asleep for hours here. And every parent fears this call in the middle of the night. And I got it and I look over and it’s one of my daughters calling. And I knew she was on a road trip. She was traveling from Wisconsin to go down to Austin, Texas. They were looking for a job. She was a college senior at the time.

Rob Finlay [00:14:12]:
And I’m panicked because my kids know that a call this late doesn’t. That has to be an emergency. She picked up, and I was like, what’s wrong? Because that’s my first instinct. What is wrong? Can I put the green gas in my Jeep? Nope. Hey, dad. Sorry to bother you. No, nothing. It’s just a very quick.

Rob Finlay [00:14:27]:
Can I put the green gas in my Jeep? And my heart rate has to come down, comes down. I’m starting to pain. I’m like, starting to think, okay, I’m woken up. Like, I finally realized, are you talking about diesel? Are you thinking about putting diesel in your Jeep? And she was almost hostile with me. Like, how dare I even. Yes, can I do it? Like, she was frustrated with me asking questions. And at that point I realized, like, you know, obviously, maybe I didn’t teach her this. This is shame on me.

Rob Finlay [00:14:52]:
But also at the same point, I felt like, was it because it was easier to call me than to go and look at it on her own? Right. Could she have done research? Could she have gone on Google? Right. I mean, we’re in the Internet society. There’s. There’s ways to get answers. And so I think it was more about that she wanted to reach out to me, to look for advice, to maybe in a reassuring moment, because there were some factors there that were going on, such as there was not to spoil this section of the book. It was. We had a fuel crisis on the east coast at that time, and none of the gas stations had gas.

Rob Finlay [00:15:25]:
And, you know, even while dad said, it’s probably not a great time to do a trip, how can I stop her from going? But it was more of like, is she just trying to get some reassurance? And I think that comes down to one of the things that I feel, and this is that moment, is I think my kids and my girls in particular know what to do. But sometimes it’s nice to have a little bit of reassurance. It’s reassurance from dad that, yeah, I am doing the right thing. Yes, I’m going to be okay, or maybe I’m not doing the right thing and maybe I should do this or think differently about it.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:54]:
So that kind of leads into another part in your book where you talk about letting your kids call you or as a father, into the playing field. Only when they’re ready. So how has that approach shaped your relationship with your daughters over time?

Rob Finlay [00:16:10]:
Look, I’m a businessman. I have no medical credentials, no nothing. It’s me as a dad trying to do the best I can. I think I probably pushed my kids out into situations probably faster than I should have. Now, it’s also siblings, right? So, I mean, the easiest way to go get a sibling to swim is to watch their other siblings swim. Of course, they want to do that naturally. And so while it’s probably more sheltering and sheltered with my son and then my next daughter, and then by the time the fourth one comes around, you’re a little bit more like, go ahead, go do these things. Go take responsibilities, having jobs, having chores, the girls grew up on a farm, about opening up and seeing things that are really, you’re not going to see on TV and you’re not going to see on social media.

Rob Finlay [00:16:54]:
And I think that was a big thing. And I think when I was writing this book, one of the things that I really wanted to do was go out and seek experts in the field of everything from finding an apartment to maintaining a car to what to do in emergencies, banking, insurance, taxes, all the things that I think are of core foundational purpose for young adults to become adults. And I think what I really did with this was I tried to mirror it, it to what my girls were learning and what I want them to learn going forward.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:17:26]:
Is there a story that you can share where that strategy for you either built more trust or even backfired?

Rob Finlay [00:17:33]:
The first thing I’ve learned, and I’m sure a lot of fathers know this, especially if their daughters are in. In dating age, if you say you don’t like the boy, he’s staying. I’ve learned very quickly that there are things that I do now that have backfired. When I try to say, you know what? A young man who’s coming to date, you should have a firm handshake. He should look at me in the eye. He should be polite. He should be polite to you. He should give attention to you, right? He should.

Rob Finlay [00:17:55]:
And when I realized that there’s a different way, once again, it comes back to the conversation. Letting them know, if I don’t like this guy, he doesn’t shake my hand, right? All that’s going to do is say, oh, that’s going to be my new boyfriend. But if I talk about how I’ve noticed these young men at my office, how great they are by being polite, or how important it is, and even this comes down to how I am as a father in particular. This is just a purely on relationship side, but my wife requires us to do once a week, date night, to spend time together. Not on our phone, not with everything. And I think the kids and, and my girls see that. It’s like it’s important that somebody give you attention, focus on you and make you feel special, because that is what you are to me. But dad’s blue in the face until I tell you how special you are.

Rob Finlay [00:18:41]:
I hear you, dad. I hear you. I hear you. But somebody else has to do that. And making them expect that is part of that learning of being an adult is getting the respect of yourself first.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:18:52]:
A lot of times in my experience as a father, I have noticed that a lot of the life lessons that you see out in memes, in writing, a lot of that is focused on sons. Especially when you look at things like self reliance or money management or dealing with failure, There’s a lot of that out in the world. How did writing this book change or reinforce the kind of life lessons you think daughters specifically need from their dads today?

Rob Finlay [00:19:22]:
Personally, I don’t differentiate the two. I think there’s a couple things. One is I think the skills that I’m trying to talk about, the foundational skills that I talk about in my book are truly just what every adult. It doesn’t matter what you are, every adult needs to know how to do these basic things. This isn’t like one plus one. This is actually just more foundational. Right? It’s not about. About how to tie a tie, but rather when you should wear a tie or obviously daughter something different.

Rob Finlay [00:19:47]:
But to me, when I wrote the book, I wanted everybody to have these foundations because I think no matter what it is, if even it’s about life, it’s all the same. I can tell you though, what I have learned in all of this is that doing the research and talking to other parents, and talking to other parents in particular, it seems like the young ladies are actually more confident and are doing better and are at a very, very different path than young men. And I know that it’s not as popular of a conversation because I personally think everybody should be lifted. You should never have one group of people below the other. Everybody should be lifted. Everybody should. Being successful and having a good life. So after I wrote this book and talked to my girls and my son about it, it really became more of I think I’ve done okay, but not by me.

Rob Finlay [00:20:31]:
It’s probably because they’re smart, they’re independent, and they Take it upon themselves. And yes, they’ll ask crazy questions, questions, but it’s also a matter of time. Young adults today have not just their parents talking to them or their relationship with their dad, but they also have their relationship with social media. And so the influence that social media has, especially on some of these life lessons, is huge. A lot bigger than when I was growing up. As what mom and dad said, that was pretty much it. And yeah, my buddies, they’d be influences, but I don’t have a screen showing me what I should be making for a job. I don’t have a screen showing me how, at any moment, being compared to something.

Rob Finlay [00:21:05]:
And so I really do believe that it comes down to as parents. And the best thing that we can do with our sons and daughters is to encourage them to have confidence in themselves, give them the tools to be confident adults, because it comes quick and it comes pretty fast. And I know our first instinct is to protect them from it and keep them all. Let them save more money, let them stay at home, let them stay under the nest. I don’t know if that’s necessarily the best thing for young adults to get out into this world.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:31]:
Your book has a lot of humor in it. And what role do you think humor plays in building deeper connections between fathers and daughters, especially when navigating those adulting fails?

Rob Finlay [00:21:43]:
Look, life is too stressful as it is. We have to, at some point, lighten up and make sure that we focus on what is really important. I look back in the fall we have when. When college acceptance come around, and the stress of these young adults and their parents is criminal. It’s absolutely criminal. The pressure that we put on for something. And this goes back to when I noticed the same thing. My first chapter on the book is probably one of the most profound and probably one of the hardest ones for me to.

Rob Finlay [00:22:10]:
To write because it was about emotion. It was like all of a sudden you’re on this, what I call that magic carpet ride, and it stops. And you as a young adult, are now faced with where to live, what to do for a job, all these other factors, and it might be too much for you, and it becomes overwhelming. And one of my daughters just recently went through this where she didn’t know where she was going to live. She didn’t know what she was going to do for a job. Her career path through college had changed because the market had changed. And this poor thing, the stress consumed her. And at some point I just had to laugh and just say, listen, this just life, it’s Important, but relax.

Rob Finlay [00:22:44]:
And so one of the first things I do when I talk to young adults, just take a deep breath. The decision you make today on your first job or where you’re going to live is not going to be your last decision. You are going to make these decisions. So having humor and putting that in sort of lightens the load a little bit. It’s also sort of my style, too. I don’t want to stress them out even more. Oh, my gosh, yes, you need to have the right job. Because if you don’t have the right job first, well, you’ll never get your second job.

Rob Finlay [00:23:08]:
The second job won’t be great. I don’t think that is beneficial. Letting him relax, going into a situation. It was actually probably the Navy SEAL who I interviewed in the book was probably on emergencies, probably tied it all back to me, which was he’s like, look, when people get anxious, they make mistakes. And so relax. Understand the situation. If you can relax, then you can find your way out of it. So in that same tune.

Rob Finlay [00:23:31]:
So it’s sort of fitting that that last part of the book is what to do in Emergencies, written by a Navy SEAL and an emergency parameter medic. What ties back into the first part, which is my people that I interviewed were clinical psychologists and psychiatrists and how to tie it back, which is just relax. You can make good decisions if you relax and think clearly.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:50]:
Now, your book also emphasizes getting a plan and visualizing a life. How can dads help daughters develop a life direction without overwhelming them with their own expectations?

Rob Finlay [00:24:02]:
For me, one of the stories I put in there is actually one of my daughters loves hiking. Hiking loves being in the outdoors. And we sort of talk about that hiking path, right? And so I asked her, I’m like, well, what do you like in hiking? Like, how do you pick what you want to go? And she would say, well, if I want to hike on the beach, I go pick a hike towards the beach. If I want to hike in the mountains, I want to go pick a hike in the mountains. And we use that as an analogy to sort of talk about life. Well, where do you want to go? Do you want to be in science or what? So trying to take their interests and tie it back into a story, more of a narrative, into helping them. Them pick what they want. And if you can equate it back to things that are simple like a hike, she’s like, oh, wait, hike.

Rob Finlay [00:24:43]:
Yeah, I really like science. And you know what the best part about a hike is? If you don’t like it, you can turn left, right, or go back. You can do different things. And so using those kind of stories and those kind of tools will help them write the narrative of their own. I also believe in a lot in visualization. Describe to me. I love movies, I love television shows. And so I’m always like, let’s create a scene for me.

Rob Finlay [00:25:06]:
Where do you work? Give me a picture of that. Talk to me. Are you driving into the office or are you walking knowing would you live in a city or would you be in the suburbs? And letting them build their own story in their brain. And that helps them get the sort of the, the, the destination and the direction started. It’s not going to be everything, but it’s going to give them the start.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:25:26]:
Now, if people want to find out more about the book, about you, where should they go?

Rob Finlay [00:25:30]:
So they can go to heydadbook.com which is all about the book. If they want to learn more about me and the, the other stuff I’ve done, they can go to rob finlay.com that’s f I n l a y.com also on all the social media stuff. So I try to show things from work, things from the book, things from the farm, try to make it as interesting as I can.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:25:53]:
Now I always finish our interviews with what I call our dad Connection 6, which asks you six more questions to delve a little bit more into you and your relationship with your daughters. Are you ready?

Rob Finlay [00:26:04]:
Sure.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:05]:
What’s one word that describes your relationships with your daughters?

Rob Finlay [00:26:08]:
Strong.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:09]:
What’s the best piece of dad advice you’ve ever received?

Rob Finlay [00:26:13]:
Don’t give up.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:14]:
What’s one activity that you and your daughters love doing together?

Rob Finlay [00:26:18]:
Eating. They’re going to hate me, by the way, when they get this. They’re going to, they’re going to like, follow me. I’m going to hear all about this.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:23]:
If you could give your daughters one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?

Rob Finlay [00:26:28]:
Be happy.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:29]:
What’s one thing that you’ve learned about yourself since becoming a dad?

Rob Finlay [00:26:34]:
That I actually have it in.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:36]:
And finally, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Rob Finlay [00:26:43]:
Be open and honest and communicate well.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:46]:
Rob, I just want to say thank you. Thank you so much for your willingness to share your own journey with your daughters. Thank you for putting this book out into the world. I’ll definitely put links in the notes today for everyone to be able to find you and find the book. But I truly appreciate all that you’re doing to be able to help fathers to connect with their kids in different ways, help young adults to make that transition into adulthood and more. And I wish you all the best.

Rob Finlay [00:27:15]:
Thank you so much for having me. This was a lot of fun. Thank you.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:17]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of the dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes dadanddaughterconnection.com until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting, and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Performer [00:27:48]:
We’re all in the same boat and it’s full of tiny screaming passengers we spend the time, we give the lessons we make the meals we buy them presents and bring your A game Cause those kids are growing fast the time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen Carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world to them Be the best dad you can be Be the best dad you can be.

Building Meaningful Bonds: Rick Walker on Presence, Purpose, and Raising Confident Daughters

July 21, 2025 by dadofdivas

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If you’re a father searching for ways to build a deeper, more meaningful relationship with your daughter, the latest episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection podcast is a must-listen. Host Dr. Christopher Lewis sits down with Rick Walker—business leader, father of three teenage daughters, and author of the upcoming book, Nine Steps to Build a Life of Meaning: How to Unlock Your Mind, Happiness, Power, and Your Enemy’s Demise—for a powerful and honest conversation about the realities and rewards of fatherhood.

Throughout the episode, Rick shares invaluable insights not only from his professional life but, more importantly, from his lived experience as a dad. One of the central themes is the importance of truly being present. Rick describes making family dinners a priority, and how even simple rituals—like driving home from summer camp or sharing milkshake runs—can be crucial opportunities to listen and connect. He emphasizes the need to go beyond just showing up: “Attention is the only resource I have to offer,” he says—highlighting that those everyday moments of real engagement are what matter most.

Rick also touches on the challenges of fatherhood: balancing guidance with allowing independence, recognizing each daughter’s individuality, and pushing through discomfort during tough conversations. He admits that sometimes daughters will push their dads away, and it’s up to us not to give up, but to keep returning, reaffirming our love, belief, and pride.

A particularly inspiring message from the episode is the idea that meaning often comes from confronting challenges. Drawing from his book, Rick discusses how fathers—and their children—grow through adversity, and why “avoiding an ounce of pain means drinking a gallon of regret.” For dads feeling stuck, burnt out, or disconnected, he gently suggests that often, the thing you least want to face is where real growth—and renewed connection—can be found.

Practical advice abounds: tell your daughter daily that you’re proud, that you love her, and that you believe in her. And, most importantly, let them see you strive not just in your career, but in being the kind of person you’d want them to choose as a partner one day.

If you’re ready to laugh, reflect, and gather actionable wisdom for your own journey as a dad, be sure to check out this heartfelt episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection. It’s a reminder that you don’t have to walk this path alone—and that every father has the power to be the dad his daughter needs. Listen now and start building that lasting connection today!

If you enjoyed this episode, we ask you to take a moment to take our Dad and Daughter Connection Survey to let us know more about you as a dad. You can also sign up to get our newsletter to stay connected to our community, and we will send items of interest to you to help you to be the dad that you want to be. Feel free to follow me on the following social media platforms: Facebook, Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, X.

Rick’s Book (9 Steps to Build a Life of Meaning): https://amzn.to/4nGYDFq

Rick’s Newsletter: https://funnel.rickwalker.com/optin?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=hostlastname

Rick on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@rickwalkertx
Rick on X: https://x.com/RickWalkerTX
Rick at Lumicre Private Equity: https://lumicre.com/
Rick’s Website: https://www.rickwalker.com

TRANSCRIPT

Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Rick Walker [00:00:12]:
If you’re looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’re in the right place. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we’ll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let’s get started, because being a great dad isn’t just about being there. It’s about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection. I’m so excited that you are back again this week as we walk on this path together on this journey of raising amazing daughters.

Rick Walker [00:01:03]:
And, you know, none of us have to walk on this path alone. It’s so important that we’re willing to put ourselves out there to be willing to learn and to listen and to hear the journeys of other fathers. Because as you and I both know, the journey of fatherhood is not always easy. There are challenges, there are bumps, and sometimes you can get some bruises along the way as well. But you can learn so much from other fathers and see what they’re doing, take what they’re doing, adapt it, adjust it, make it your own, and identify ways in which you can take that learning and turn it into something amazing that’ll help you to be the dad that you want to be. That’s why this podcast exists. We want to have amazing connections with our daughters, and that’s not always going to be easy. We have to learn and grow along the way.

Rick Walker [00:02:05]:
We have to better understand the journey that they’re on. And that’s why every week, every week, I love being able to have you here to be able to learn from other fathers. And that’s why I bring someone new to you every week that allows for you to do just that. This week, we’ve got another great guest.

Christopher Lewis [00:02:21]:
Who?

Rick Walker [00:02:21]:
Rick Walker is with us. Rick is the author of a upcoming book called nine steps to build a life of meaning, how to unlock your mind, happiness, power, and your enemy’s demise. And he is a renowned leader across multiple domains. He’s been a founder CEO of a 400 employee company, and he scaled that up from there. And he also scaled a 2020 team member nonprofit into 53 countries as a chairman. So he’s done a lot of stuff. But even beyond that, he is a Father of three daughters, three teenage daughters at that. And I am really excited to be able to not only talk to him about his upcoming book, but also to talk to him about his own journey as a father.

Rick Walker [00:03:08]:
Rick, thanks so much for being here today.

Christopher Lewis [00:03:10]:
Christopher, it’s joy. Looking forward to our time together.

Rick Walker [00:03:12]:
Well, I’m really excited that you’re here today. And as I, as I said, you are a father of three daughters, and I always start these conversations with an opportunity to get to know you a little bit more as a father yourself, and especially a father of a daughter. As I said, that connection that we want to build is so important. And as you think back to the moments that you’ve had thus far in your life with your three daughters, what is one of the most meaningful moments that you’ve been able to share with your daughters thus far and what made it so special?

Christopher Lewis [00:03:41]:
One of the more meaningful moments has been with my daughters whenever they would finish up that summer camp. And so we’ve always tried to make it a point of being there to pick them up from summer camp camp and drive them an hour home just to hear everything. And if you’re a dad of a teenage daughter, what you know is you get one of two things. You either get the talkative girl when she’s with her friends a lot of times, or you get the quiet one who’s too cool to talk to mom and dad. But sometimes if you haven’t seen them in a week and they’ve been through a lot and they’re all together, you can get them to talk. And so just being able to listen to them and hear their stories after camp, after not seeing them for a week or so and them also not seeing their sisters for a week, that’s always just been a joy. So we do that every year. But yeah, I do find that it’s more difficult to get them to open up.

Christopher Lewis [00:04:25]:
And those handful of times where we can get them to really open up unguarded, that’s always a very meaningful time.

Rick Walker [00:04:31]:
I said that you had three daughters, and I know they range in age from 12 to 17. And every father that has kids knows that your kids are not going to be duplicated of one another. They are very unique individuals. They have different personalities, and you have to come to understand who they are as individuals. Talk to me about, I mean, you’re a busy guy, so talk to me about how have you been able to. To really identify those unique aspects of your own daughters to. And how have you been able to make those strong connections with each of your daughters individually so that you can have that connection that you want with each one of them.

Christopher Lewis [00:05:10]:
Very early on I stumbled across the work of Dr. Meg Meeker, which I imagine you’ve probably spoken about her a number of times on your podcast and began reading some of her work. And some of the work was life changing. Just the idea that if I could find opportunities to be able to share with my daughter that I, I love them, that I’m proud of them, I believe in them, that that makes all the difference sometimes between a daughter that follows a winning path versus one that doesn’t. And so that’s always been a joy to be able to do that. And so from the time they were very young, I always encouraged them to try a number of things and we always would have them in one academic activity, one musical activity, and then one sports activity at least. And so having those three things going at the same time kept us very busy. But over the long term they eventually found one thing that they really loved or two things that they really love and it’s helped them.

Christopher Lewis [00:05:57]:
But the musical capacity we’ve always found. My wife and I were musicians, we’ve had musicians on my wife’s side of the family. I have a bachelor’s degree in music. I believe that music certainly helps children with their mathematical prowess as well as their ability to I guess, consider the imaginative aspects of the intellectual. And so we’ve made that a very strong priority in our kids upbringing. And we’ve got at least one of them that’s pretty dedicated to her music. But then the sports also, the sports help develop the social and seeing them differentiating in the sports element, my 17 year old, she’s a pre professional ballerina, so that is an art and a sport. The these girls, they’ve got more muscle mass than a lot of these high school football players do, but it’s a lot of artistry too.

Christopher Lewis [00:06:37]:
And so just trying to figure out where they are has been really impactful. And my wife and I, and then My daughter, my 12 year old, she’s the rule follower and she can do anything. She can do academics, she can do sports, she can do music, she can do anything. And so we’re excited about her, but she just has a natural gift to be able to get along with people. But trying to expose them to those three different areas from very young has given us a little bit of a glimpse of what they can and they can’t do. And they’ve been able to convince themselves that they can excel in certain areas and they can sell in certain relationships dynamics.

Rick Walker [00:07:05]:
As you’re raising your daughters, you have to find that balance of being able to guide your daughters while also giving them the independence to become who they’re becoming. Talk to me about what you’ve done to be able to do just that.

Christopher Lewis [00:07:20]:
Yeah, so it’s a trade off. And every child is different. We have one child who’s very, very independent or middle one and she’s in middle school. I wouldn’t second guess leaving town, leaving her at home for a week by herself. I’ve never done that. But I wouldn’t think twice about it because she’s just, she’s so independent. She has such high emotional intelligence and she just sort of figures stuff out. She’s reliable.

Christopher Lewis [00:07:41]:
But then we have other kids that, that they need to be engaged on a regular basis because they’re more social creatures and they just don’t do where do well in certain social environments with either a large number of people like a public high school or a small number of people. So you have to sort of find that mix there. But it’s my objective to obviously get them acclimated to a wide variety of social structures and social environment. But they’re not always to do that. Especially during these critical teenage years. You have other things emotionally and socially and even spiritually in play that us as men from what I found anyway, we just can’t relate to that. And so my wife, she had to speak a lot of wisdom into those, those interactions over the past number of years.

Rick Walker [00:08:22]:
What are some intentional ways that you’ve worked to strengthen your bond or your connection with your daughters, especially during challenging times.

Christopher Lewis [00:08:29]:
So one of the things I read very early on was that what teenage daughters will do is they’ll, they’ll tend to push the dad away. They’ll push them away at some see if he’s going to come back for her. And if the dad doesn’t come back for her, she begins to self reinforce this idea that I’ve got to go and find another man that’s going to sort of fill that void. Not basically the father void, but just some sort of masculine type of presence in their lives. And so I’ve always been one that whenever they sort of push me away, I encourage them, but then I’ll pursue them. They have to know that there’s nothing that they’re going to do that will get me to give up on them, to back down from my commitment to have a relationship with them and also to I guess not encourage them to be on a healthy path. Going forward. Obviously, we all make stupid decisions in our lives, with our lives, but there’s also some.

Christopher Lewis [00:09:14]:
There’s also something special about having at least one person in the world that really believes in. In you unconditionally. And that’s the role that I want to. I want to play. Not that I approve of every decision or every action, but I approve of the person themselves. And I believe that my daughters can be called higher into a better future than even they can imagine themselves to be in.

Rick Walker [00:09:33]:
I know that as a father, I’ve made my share of mistakes along the way, and I think every father makes some mistakes along the way. What’s a mist that you made as a father? And what did you learn about it? Not only about yourself, but about fostering positive connections and communication with your own daughters.

Christopher Lewis [00:09:51]:
For me, anyway, I failed to listen to my gut a number of times. And whenever I didn’t listen to my gut, and I thought, no, I’m just overthinking this. I’m over worrying what may or may not be happening. I made a grievous error to doing that over the years. And so what I believe is that obviously this child who is a part of me, that there is some sort of resonance there there. That whenever I suspect there’s an issue there, I feel something kind of within my bones, that there’s something that I need to address that when I don’t address it, it’s an offense to the gods, if you kind of get what I’m saying there. It’s an offense to fathers everywhere that I need. It’s my job to be proactive, not be reactive.

Christopher Lewis [00:10:27]:
And so I’ve got to be proactively engaging in these relationships. And when I’m not, that always tends to be a failure in that situation. In the long run, eventually. But love is always a sacrifice. It’s always a sacrifice. And you often will put yourself out there. You’ll make that comment, you’ll make that assertion. You’ll call that that child to do something that she doesn’t want to do.

Christopher Lewis [00:10:45]:
And it’s always fun.

Rick Walker [00:10:46]:
No, it’s not always fun. And I definitely hear you in that. What do you do intentionally to make your daughters feel valued and heard?

Christopher Lewis [00:10:54]:
So, first of all, you’ve got to give them eye contact. The only thing that I have to offer anyone in the world’s attention, that’s the only thing I have to offer. That’s the only resource in the entire world, is attention. And so if I can’t give them eye contact and understand, let Them understand that I’m hearing what they’re saying, I’m processing it and repeat it back for them, and they can correct me if I misunderstood. That is a great deal of it. The other thing is we try to do family dinners as often as possible. Obviously, we’re scattered, doing all sorts of activities, and we can’t do that every night because we’ve got everything going everywhere with sports and music and stuff. But and having a sort of a protected dinner time, protected family time around the table, that is really, really critical.

Christopher Lewis [00:11:32]:
I suspect that if a man doesn’t get his dinner table right and doesn’t get his books right and he doesn’t get his quiet time right, he can’t get his life right. Like, those are the really only three, three things that matter in your life. And so focusing on the dinner table, focus on that time together is really important. And when you can’t do that, hey, you know, I’m the chauffeur. I’m driving kiddos to practices and we’re talking. Even though they’re exhausted, I’m letting them know, hey, I saw you make this play. What if we did this next time? What is this person saying on the court? How can we encourage our team members? And then we also talk about their future? I’ve also found, I’m a big believer in Viktor Frankl’s work, that if we can get people focused on their future and what their future self would want them to do in the present, well, then that gets to open up an entire world of opportunity for these girls. And it gets them off the idea that my present is the only thing that matters.

Christopher Lewis [00:12:14]:
But, no, I’ve got a future self that has certain expectations of me now, and I have a responsibility to that future self.

Rick Walker [00:12:18]:
I mentioned at the beginning that you’re the author of an upcoming book, nine steps to build a life of meaning. How to unlock your mind, happiness, power, and your enemy’s demise. And, you know, as I was looking and reading through the book, one of the questions that came to my mind is right at the beginning, you dedicate the book to your wife and daughters. How is being a father to three girls shaped your understanding of a life of meaning?

Christopher Lewis [00:12:42]:
Pent up in the idea of meaning. And people often confuse purpose and meaning to be the same thing. Purpose is a. As a condition of meaning, oftentimes. But pent up in these ideas, you have this notion of relevance. And relevance has to do with endurance, this enduring presence that I want to leave behind to the world whenever I’m dead and Gone. And I suspect for me, the most important endurance or relevance that I’m going to leave behind to the world are these three daughters and their kids and their grandkids someday. And so if I want to live a life of meaning, I have to figure out how do I get the ideas and the beliefs that I have to endure in the long run, because only by their enduring can I have a chance that they’ll be relevant long term.

Christopher Lewis [00:13:26]:
Because I think it was Lewis that said this, and this is a common quote, you’ll see Mother’s Day some years on these cards. He said that it’s not what you do, but who you raise that makes your life matter. It’s not what you do, but who you raise that makes that makes your life matter. And I suspect most of us, that’s the state. So it’s not our jobs, it’s not these hobbies that we have. It’s not these grand podcasts that you and I host. It’s not any of this stuff. It’s our kids, and they’re sitting there.

Christopher Lewis [00:13:51]:
That’s the irony of life. The most important things are the most obvious things that you most want. And most tend to snub because they’re just so commonplace. They’re there all the time. They ignore you all the time, but those are the most important things. And our kids, man, the kids. If my kids don’t love me and I don’t love my kids, none of this other stuff matters.

Rick Walker [00:14:08]:
Also in the book, you talk about picking a worthy enemy. How does that principle show up in your parenting, especially when guiding daughters through challenges in today’s world?

Christopher Lewis [00:14:19]:
So the book is primarily written towards men that are in the midst of this meaning crisis. This is the group of men that are sort of 25 to 45, sometimes up to 50, that don’t have a worthy purpose of their lives. They don’t know what they want to do. And guys like me, coming out of the business world, we always tell people to pick a goal instead of vision, and let’s work the objectives and the tactics to get back to that. Let’s accomplish your goals. But men that don’t have a vision of what the future could possibly be, they don’t have any goals. And it’s impossible for us to tell them to go do something, to be something where they can’t even envision a world with goals. And so my argument in the book for pick one worthy enemy is that you need something that breaks your heart.

Christopher Lewis [00:14:55]:
You need something that’s worth giving your life for. Some Evil to overcome in the world. And there’s evil manifesting all around us. You look at pornhub, you look at the children that have been just taken completely advantage of on that platform. Well, a man giving up his life to go fight against that manifestation of evil, well, that’s a worthy cause because you’re protecting people, you’re protecting innocents who can’t defend themselves. So we look for worthy enemies. And that pursuit against the worthy enemies is what gives us not only the energy that we need to go out and try some stuff, because that’s the main issue, is we’re not trying. We don’t have goals, we don’t try.

Christopher Lewis [00:15:26]:
But we need the energy. And we find that cause that problem that just shatters our heart that will give us the energy. And somehow, I don’t know how it happens, but we get sort of a divine onslaught of resources to help us in that fight. We find friends that want to help us in that fight, and we can begin building coalitions and purposes. And so it starts small with our daughters. It starts on the lacrosse field, on the soccer field, it starts on the basketball court. How are we going to overcome this 10 point deficit? What are you going to call forth out of your teammates? What are you going to do on the defensive end so that you can have an offensive upset? This is the way that I’ve got to talk to my daughters. Because if I don’t give them that level of pursuit, if I don’t give that mentality that they can overcome their challenges, what kind of man are they going to marry? Look, the type of man that they’re going to be looking for without that sort of mentality is a weak, defeated man who’s used to losing.

Christopher Lewis [00:16:11]:
No, I want my daughters focused on winning, overcoming challenges, realizing that there’s failures, there’s very real failures in life, but those are overcomeable as long as you have one breath left.

Rick Walker [00:16:21]:
I know you just talked about that target audience for the book, and I’m going to say that a lot of dads, especially in that target audience, some of those dads, feel stuck either in a job that they don’t love or routines that feel, I’ll say, hollow. Based on the nine steps that you list in the book, what’s the first step that a father should take when he realizes he’s lost his sense of purpose.

Christopher Lewis [00:16:44]:
You need to take a step. You need to make a move. And that move may be trying to discover what really breaks your heart. And I hate to really simplify it like that, but. But what angers you that you see out in the world? It may be something you see in your children’s school, maybe something you see in the school district, maybe in a local church, your local synagogue. It may be something that you have around you, but it may be some sort of societal issue or some online issue. Just start working against that. And the more evil that problem is, the more divine the energy you accrue fighting against it.

Christopher Lewis [00:17:14]:
I mean, the purpose of the light is invade the darkness. The purpose of the good man is invade the evil. It’s. This is the way that the nature of the world works. If you want to be a good man, you want to be a man that has definition, purpose and pursuit and energy, you got to combat that which is not good. I mean, it’s that simple. So we’re looking around for something, and I would put a cap on it. I would say I’m going to identify something in the next two weeks.

Christopher Lewis [00:17:34]:
And Sunday night at this time, this is what I’m going on. And I’m going to give it until this happens. And you’ve got to leave it out on the field. As they told us when we were growing up, you got to give it your all. And I’m not saying you ignore your family, I’m not saying you ignore your job to do this, but you’ve got to find something that you can pick up a bit of passion out of. Just a bit of passion, just a bit of energy. And that bit of energy will give you the spark that you need, need help the other steps fall in place. But we’ve got to pick up an idea about what’s possible.

Christopher Lewis [00:18:02]:
What difference I can make? Once you have an idea about what difference you can make, you have a potential for relevance.

Rick Walker [00:18:06]:
Also in the book, you say that aiming low is the only sin. How can fathers aim higher in their everyday lives? Especially when they’re exhausted, they’re overwhelmed, or they’re just feeling like they’re trying to keep their head above water?

Christopher Lewis [00:18:20]:
The widest mind looks into the most distant future for the most valued reward that he can purchase with the currency of the present. Let me repeat that. The wisest mind. This is the wisest father. The wisest mind looks into the most distant future for the most valuable reward that he can purchase with the currency of the present. And what you have in the present is your time and your attention. And so you’ve got to figure out what in the future is worth you giving your only life for. And it’s not something that’s lower than what you have, you have kids, you’ve got daughters around you, you’ve got people that you can call forth more out of.

Christopher Lewis [00:18:51]:
You can say these difficult things. If you’re not used to talking to your daughters like this, all it takes is or three times, you have to be prepared to be uncomfortable in that, in that conversation and just blurt it out, say, hey, I believe in you, I love you, I trust you, and know that you’re going to have a commanding future. Or ask them questions like this, like, what would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? Or think about your most perfect ideal future self? And what would that perfect future self tell you to do? Ask reflective questions about the future to your daughters. And it’s going to be uncomfortable the first three, four, five times you do it. But the more you do it, the more easier it gets and the more the relationship grows and it becomes one of trust, not just one of immediacy and putting out fires.

Rick Walker [00:19:29]:
You also say in the book, no joy requires pain. For dads who are numb, burnt out, or emotionally disconnected, how can they reconnect with that joy? Even if it hurts first, you have.

Christopher Lewis [00:19:42]:
To say the things that you least want to say. It’s that passing comment that you thought you should have said five years ago to your wife, I’m sorry for ignoring you, or your wife, I’m sorry for going to golfing with the boys, or I’m sorry for drinking so much. It’s those little things, those little steps of humility. Because what you least want to do is the thing you most need to do next. What you least want to do right now is the thing that you most need to do next. And it is that immediate pain of doing the thing that you’ve been putting off, the thing that your, your mind and your comfort have been enslaving you to preserve. It’s that thing that’s keeping you from your future. That’s what.

Christopher Lewis [00:20:18]:
That’s what it is. And it’s that pain. If you can get rid of that pain and comfort is the number one pain, one or one thing that pain is protecting or that your comfort’s protecting, it’s protecting you against pain. If you can burst through that, then you’ve got a little bit of a glimmer of joy. But as long as you don’t do the things you know you should be doing, your life is a lie. And so we’ve got to say the things we know we’re expected to say the same things we’ve been talking about the last few Minutes, the encouragements, the love, the support, the belief in. I’m proud of you. Tell your wife she looks beautiful.

Christopher Lewis [00:20:47]:
I mean, I don’t care how crappy your marriage is. Tell her she looks lovely. Tell her that she is. Is the most amazing, whether she is or not. And you’re proud and you’re honored to be in this with her. I mean, say the most difficult thing. The worse your marriage is, the more you need to say it and the more you need to. To live like you mean it.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:04]:
Whether you mean it or not is irrelevant at this point. We’ve got to say those important things that we’ve been holding back, because that is only the way that we can burst through the pain, burst through the comfort to get to joy on the other side.

Rick Walker [00:21:14]:
So really, you know what I’m hearing, and I saw this in the book too, that you’re talking about in some aspects that you have to make some sacrifices. And many men afraid in many ways to take that leap, leaping into something new, something that. That makes them sacrifice. The things that they feel are. Are the things that make them who they are, whether it’s time or money or ego or whatever it might be. What does your book teach? Or what would you say to that person about embracing sacrifice as a path to meaning?

Christopher Lewis [00:21:46]:
No one ever knows that you love them unless you sacrifice something to be with them. If I’m going to give my daughter her attention, that means I’m sacrificing the rest of the world for her. Everything else is a sacrifice to what I’m giving my attention to. And that’s why attention connotates meaning. It means meaning. And that’s what we’ve got to do. There’s also sacrifices. Of the things that are useless in your life, you’re doing a hundred useless things that have no upside whatsoever.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:11]:
I can think about the golf with the buddies. I can think, for a lot of men, the drinking. Like, why are you going out and drinking two or three times a week? It has no upside. It only has catastrophic downside. Some of this stuff is just the most foolish thing you can imagine. Look, if you’re taking an infinite downside risk for zero upside payout, that’s kind of a foolish thing to do. That’s a great thing to sacrifice and replace it with the thing you most need to do. And that what that thing you most need to do is give attention to someone who is committed to you and you’re committed to and develop that relationship because all you have left after you die is your relationships.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:43]:
That’s all that you have. And so what we’ve got to do is try to figure out what are we sacrificing? Because you’ve already sacrificed your past. All your prior moments have been sacrificed to your present. This is all you’ve got. And all you’re going to do is sacrifice a series of presences to be able to dictate and determine what your future is. And so we’ve got to realize we’re living a life of sacrifice, whether you realize it or not. And what we sacrifice determines what we love, and what we love determines how relevant and how meaningful our lives will be. But everything worth keeping is worth sacrificing.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:13]:
Nothing not worth keeping is worthy of offering everything you value is worthy of sacrificing to someone that is higher, to a future that’s more distant and a reward that is better. Because anything you have now is always worth sacrificing for those relationships and the future that you want to see happen.

Rick Walker [00:23:33]:
So inevitably, there’s probably some dads that are listening right now that are feeling like they have failed. They failed in some aspect of their life. And whether it was at home or at work or with themselves. What would you tell him about redemption and legacy and starting again with meaning?

Christopher Lewis [00:23:54]:
I failed a lot. In fact, whenever I try something new, I’m assuming I’m going to fail 99 times before it works. Once, I failed a lot. And this book is a story of my failures. Where I’ve. I’ve been devastated on national news, where I’ve had my love with my wife just completely shattered, where I’ve had all these failures. I had a surgery that went bad and just distorted my mind for many, many years. And I had all these things.

Christopher Lewis [00:24:18]:
Things fail and just stupid things that I’ve done, just failure after failure. But what I’ve realized is the people that failed, those are the ones whose lives are actually interesting in the end. Those are the lives that have the potential to be redeemed out of this sort of muddy mire that they’ve been stuck in. And the redeemed man, in a world that’s interested in stories, a redeemed man is more perfect than a man who’s never needed to be redeemed. Because what we’re saying is that a man who’s lived a beautiful life and redemption is a beautiful act that if you’re focused on telling a beautiful story with your. That redemption is the ultimate type of beauty and the ultimate type of story that you can tell with your life. And so the worse the man the higher the upside. It’s not about the man who’s always been good.

Christopher Lewis [00:24:59]:
He got a little bit better. That’s an interesting. That’s not a story that anyone wants to hear. What I want to hear is about a man that’s been in the depths of hell, that’s made all the mistakes you could ever imagine, and he’s bounced back from that. It’s about the delta between your lowest point, your highest point, and where you in. And that delta is what matter. It’s the contrast from where you were to where you’re going, not the contrast of how good you are. And that little mediocre change that you made when you.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:25]:
When you did this or did that. It’s not about that. And so what life is. Life is just a string of failures with the occasional moment of perfection. It’s just a string of failures with just an occasional moment of perfection. And however many moments of these of perfection that you can. You can get together in a life, that’s what makes a life of relevance and a life of beauty and a story that people want to hear. And so for the men out there that have just been down on themselves, that have just made mistake after mistake, that just don’t know how they’re to come overcome it, and they just assume everything’s lost, I can tell you that I understand where you’ve been.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:59]:
I’ve made the catastrophic mistakes that many of you have made. And I can tell you there’s hope. And let me convince you with this. I’m going to convince you literally that there’s hope for you. That if a drop of hope exists, exists anywhere, it threatens all hopelessness everywhere. If a drop of hope exists anywhere in the world, it threatens all hopelessness everywhere. So my drop of hope that I have, I don’t have a lot of hope. I’ve got a little of a drop of hope right now.

Christopher Lewis [00:26:23]:
My drop of hope is now threatening your hopelessness right now. And you have a choice whether or not you’re going to allow my hope to invade your hopelessness, whether you’re going allowed my light to invade your darkness, that thing that you’re trying to protect, that comfort that’s enslaving your potential, and if you will allow my hope to invade the comfort now enslaving your potential, it’ll be ripped away. It’ll be ripped away. And you’ll be able to see that there’s a future and there’s a hope, but you could never get there unless you believe hope is possible. You believe a Future is possible unless you believe that there is beauty rising out of the act of redemption. The man that turns himself around is more beautiful than the man that was always headed the right direction. That’s not the story I want to hear. I want to hear story about a man that always had it together.

Christopher Lewis [00:27:03]:
I want to hear about a man who confronts evil with good. I want to hear about a man who finds meaning out of meaninglessness. I want to figure out a way to hear a story about a man who takes his pain and inverts it to joy. That’s what a real story is about. And if you want your kids and your grandkids to talk about you, that’s the sort of life that you need to live.

Rick Walker [00:27:21]:
So talk to me about how you have taken these nine concepts, these nine pieces from your book and how are you incorporating them into how you’re raising your daughters.

Christopher Lewis [00:27:31]:
They have to understand, and this is something, this is a job of me as a dad, is that we’re going to have pain. We’re going to have pain in our lives, we’re going to pain in relationships and tragedy, we’re going to pain the sicknesses. But a painless world would only birth joyless lives. A painless world would only birth joyless lives. And so if I can encourage them to look at that spread, to look at that spread between pain and joy, that the broader that is, the higher the joy is, then they can see that there’s hope for them even in their downfall, even in their tragedy, even in these, these moments that teenage girls just assume, which is the worst thing, and it’s unsalvageable. They have to understand that there’s a mechanism that, where they can be able to tell more beautiful, more lovely story with their lives. And these are lessons that they’re going to teach their own kids, their own grandkids one day. These are all just learning opportunities for them and even for us.

Christopher Lewis [00:28:19]:
But I’ve got to convince my kids, and you’ve got to convince your kids as well, the listeners do, that there is hope on the other side of pain. And the way that we get, we, we get there is we got to convince ourselves and we got to convince our kids that whenever we see a threat, there’s always an opportunity on the other side. In fact, that’s what defines a wise person. Not only that they look in the most distant future for the most maximal reward, but that they see threats and they figure out a way to turn them into opportunity. And so if we realize that every threat we see is an opportunity. Every pain is a potential joy. And we’re able to ingrain that in our mind. Then we begin to see that there’s hope on the other side of the darkness.

Rick Walker [00:28:55]:
Now, if your daughters were to describe you using one of the nine steps from your book, which step would they say that you live out the most? And which one would they say you’re still working on?

Christopher Lewis [00:29:07]:
They know dad can be just absolutely brutal with someone who tries to come after one of my kids or someone that I love. The the first rule, pick one worthy enemy. They know that dad can just be utterly savage if he needs to be. Obviously you never turn that aggression in where that’s for protecting your inner circle, those you love from the exterior. But one of the difficulties in that I found is that we have to set forth the difference between an enemy and a counterparty. A counterparty is not an enemy. A counterparty is someone that you’re negotiating with. You’ll be able to operate in a good faith effort to be able to find a winnable outcome for both parties as much as possible.

Christopher Lewis [00:29:44]:
But an enemy, you don’t negotiate with enemies, you destroy enemies. And so I think, I think if my kids had to say one thing, they know that dad loves a good fight, but it’s got to be worthy enemy. It’s not just a counterparty.

Rick Walker [00:29:56]:
You’ve also, you’ve advised presidents, you’ve led nonprofits across the 50 states and countries. And yet you also do ballet drop offs and milkshake runs and other things that a dad would do. What’s the most unexpected place you found wisdom about being a dad?

Christopher Lewis [00:30:12]:
I found this book about daddy daughter dates. I forgot who wrote the book, but it was like 100 daddy daughter date ideas. And I kept this book on one of my tables in my office for years. I would pick it up and thumb through it maybe once a week and try to find an idea. When the kids were young and they had this, this one date idea where you would leave the house and your daughter would have a quarter and she would flip a quarter. If it’s heads, you turn right tells you turn left and you’d side in advance how many flips you would do. So you would do eight, nine, ten flips. Well, you can be a long way from your house if you’re doing 10 flips.

Christopher Lewis [00:30:40]:
But the rule is you have to eat dinner together at the nearest place that serves food. And oftentimes it’s a gas station. It’s just a gas station. And so this idea that you can have Fun would just complete and utter nonsense sense. That’s something that has been useful in the past. It is still useful today that we can just do stuff, just to do stuff, just because we’re goofing around together. And that’s been something because I’m not naturally a playful person and that’s helped me let the guard down, hear from my daughters about what’s really going on in their lives, what’s what they’re saying. And obviously we don’t get to do that as much as we used to back in the old days with all the activities and stuff.

Christopher Lewis [00:31:15]:
But it takes, it takes different forms. Takes different forms. Listen to silly music, watching silly videos together in these milkshake runs. These milkshake runs are fantastic. If you, if you’ve never been do a chick fil a after, let’s say 7:30 any night of the week. It’s an entirely milkshake business. It’s milkshake and fries after 7:30. And there will be a run on the milkshake machine.

Christopher Lewis [00:31:33]:
You’ll find 20 cars lined up and everyone’s getting milkshakes. And that’s part of the deal. So you got to figure out a way how to have these little routines, these little rituals in with the family, wherever you can fit them. And that’s been one of the useful things, these daddy daughter days and sort of these playful times of just complete, utter nonsense.

Rick Walker [00:31:47]:
Now we always finish our interviews with what I like to call the dad connection. 66 more questions to delve into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Christopher Lewis [00:31:55]:
Yeah.

Rick Walker [00:31:55]:
What’s one word that describes your relationship with your daughters?

Christopher Lewis [00:32:00]:
Productive.

Rick Walker [00:32:01]:
What’s the best piece of dad advice that you’ve ever received?

Christopher Lewis [00:32:05]:
Tell them you’re proud of them every day.

Rick Walker [00:32:07]:
What’s one activity that you and your daughters love doing together? Going to eat Mexican food and then getting shakes afterwards.

Christopher Lewis [00:32:14]:
Oh, absolutely. You got to get a shake afterwards. Yeah.

Rick Walker [00:32:16]:
Now, if you could give your daughters one life lesson in a single sentence, what would you leave with them?

Christopher Lewis [00:32:22]:
Avoiding an ounce of pain. You will drink a gallon of regret.

Rick Walker [00:32:26]:
What’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself since becoming a dad?

Christopher Lewis [00:32:30]:
That if I want my daughters to marry someone who I believe is worthy, I’ve got to be prepared to act like that most worthy example for them. Because they’re not going to marry someone that’s too far away from how good or how bad a father I want.

Rick Walker [00:32:47]:
Now, you’ve given a lot of pieces of advice today, a lot of ideas for men for fathers to think about and to incorporate into their own lives. As we finish up today, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Christopher Lewis [00:33:03]:
Tell them the things that they need to hear and make it every day and make it uncomfortable to hear. Sometimes it’ll sound like routine. But if you let them know, I’m proud of you, I believe in you. You’re awesome. I love you. If you haven’t told your daughter I love you, some other man will. But he won’t mean it. And he’ll tell it for a different reason that you won’t like.

Christopher Lewis [00:33:21]:
So tell your daughters that you love them. Tell them that you’re proud of them. Tell them that you believe in them. They need to hear those three things from you every single day. And if we can give them those ideas that they’re loved, they’re believed in, and there’s someone out there that’s proud of them. Oh, and he just happens to be the only man who they were born in the world to be in relationship with for as long as he lives. Well, that’s just a side benefit, but we’ve got to get our daughters used to hearing and believing the things that will uphold them going forward and the things that confirm their identity in such a secularizing culture that we live in now.

Rick Walker [00:33:56]:
Well, Rick, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for all that you’ve been sharing today. If people want to find out more about you about the book, where should they go?

Christopher Lewis [00:34:03]:
So my website is rickwalker.com rickwalker.com and I send out a newsletter about every one or two weeks is a three, two one model. So you get three bangers. So these quotes that I’ve been dropping, you get three of those, I call them bangers. And then I’ll give you two videos. So one will be teaching for the most part, another one will be an interview and then the third thing I’ll give you is either an essay or some reflective questions to think about. So either a long form essay or reflective question. These are big idea essays or big idea thoughts. Those are the best things.

Christopher Lewis [00:34:31]:
The book is available beginning July 5, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart, anywhere you buy your book books and you can actually pre order it right now. So Kindle ebook. I just wrapped up the audiobook yesterday so that’ll be available for pre order as well and hardback and paperback.

Rick Walker [00:34:46]:
And I will put links in the notes today so you can check out this book for yourself. And Rick, again, thank you, thank you for all that you’ve shared today for what you’re putting out into the world to help other men to be able to live that life of meaning that we’ve been talking about. And I truly wish you all the best.

Christopher Lewis [00:35:04]:
Christopher, thank you so much for having me. I really enjoyed our time together. That’s a wrap for this episode of the dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes@dad dadanddaughterconnection.com until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting, and keep being the dad she needs. We’re all in the same boat and it’s full of tiny screaming passengers we.

Rick Walker [00:35:49]:
Spend the time we give the lessons.

Christopher Lewis [00:35:55]:
We made make the meals we buy them presents and bring your A game Cause those kids are growing fast the time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen Carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world to them Be the best dinosaur you can be Be the best dad you can.

Fostering Resilience and Confidence in Our Daughters with Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin

April 28, 2025 by dadofdivas

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In the latest episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection podcast, Dr. Christopher Lewis dives deep into the art of building meaningful relationships with daughters alongside his esteemed guest, Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin. As fathers, navigating the journey of parenting daughters presents unique challenges and opportunities, and this episode is a treasure trove of wisdom for dads who are committed to fostering strong, independent young women.

Dr. Orbé-Austin, a renowned psychologist and author, brings invaluable insights from his latest book, “Your Child’s Greatness: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Children Without Imposter Syndrome.” He shares his personal experiences as a father to two daughters, enlightening listeners on how to cultivate an environment where daughters can thrive without succumbing to imposter syndrome—a pervasive issue that affects many youths today.

One of the central themes of this episode is the power of intentionality in parenting. Dr. Orbé-Austin emphasizes the significance of recognizing each child as a unique individual, with distinct needs and aspirations. By acknowledging their individuality, fathers can offer tailored support that encourages their daughters to pursue their passions and dreams.

The episode also explores how fathers can strike a balance between guiding their children and allowing them the independence to explore their own paths. Dr. Orbé-Austin advocates for the concept of “lighthouse parenting”—being a steady guide rather than hovering too closely, thus empowering daughters to develop confidence in their decision-making.

Listeners will find actionable advice on how to strengthen bonds during challenging times. Dr. Orbé-Austin offers practical examples, like the importance of giving emotional space and the value of learning from mistakes through a growth mindset. These insights help dads understand how to support their daughters in building resilience and coping skills that will serve them throughout their lives.

Furthermore, the episode touches on creating traditions that reinforce family connections. Dr. Orbé-Austin shares his family’s cherished “Friday night dinners,” a routine that encourages open communication and strengthens familial ties.

For fathers who want to be more than just present figures in their daughters’ lives, this episode is a must-listen. It challenges conventional parenting scripts and inspires dads to engage thoughtfully and authentically with their daughters, paving the way for them to become self-assured, thriving individuals.

Tune in to the Dad and Daughter Connection for a thought-provoking discussion that will equip you with the tools and insights to enrich your relationship with your daughter. Whether you’re a new dad or a seasoned one, this episode will leave you feeling inspired and ready to nurture deeper, more meaningful connections.

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and daughter connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
If you’re looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’re in the right place. I’m doctor Christopher Lewis, and the dad and daughter connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we’ll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let’s get started. Because being a great dad isn’t just about being there, it’s about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and daughter connection, where every week we have an opportunity to be able to build stronger connections with our daughters. And, you know, that is so important. As a father of two daughters myself, you know, there have been many times over the years where I have wished that I could have done something a little bit differently, where I wished that I knew some things ahead of time, where I may have stepped in something that I shouldn’t have stepped in and made that misstep.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:22]:
And that’s why this podcast is here because I want to be able to walk with you on this journey that you’re in to help you to be able to build those strong connections with your daughters, but also to help you to give you some some tips, some tools for your toolbox to help you raise those strong independent women that you want to raise in the future. And that’s why every week we bring you different guests, different people with different experiences that can share their own experiences, not only as fathers, but also as individuals that have gone through those experiences that can share with you some things that you can build upon own fatherhood journey. Today, we got another great guest. Doctor. Richard Orbe Austin is with us. And Richard is a licensed psychologist and executive coach, a consultant. He’s the founding director of NYU’s graduate student career development center. And he leads a team responsible for managing the career needs of over 14,000 masters and doctoral students in over a hundred different discipline.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:24]:
You can tell he’s a busy guy. Now prior to his tenure at NYU, Doctor. Orbe Austin served in a variety of different leadership roles, including a chief diversity officer at Baruch College, City University of New York, and as president of the New York Association of Black Psychologists. Just recently, he and his wife just wrote a book called Your Parent’s Guide to Raising Children Without Imposter Syndrome. And I can tell you, in working with young adults today, people that are getting into education into their careers, imposter syndrome is definitely there and something that all of our kids are going to run into at some point in their life. So today we’re gonna be talking to Richard about his own journey, being a father of two daughters himself, but also about this book. And I’m really excited to have him here. Doctor.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:18]:
Orbea Austin, thank you for being here today.

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:03:20]:
It is so much my pleasure, Christopher, to be here with you today. I’m so excited to chat with you about this topic.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:27]:
You know, I’m excited to have you here. And I love starting these interviews to be able to delve a little bit deeper into relationship that you’ve been able to build, the connections that you’ve been able to build with your daughters. And I guess first and foremost, I’d love to be able to have you kind of reflect and think about the fifteen years that your daughter, your oldest daughter has been in your life, the thirteen years that your youngest daughter has been in your life. What is one of the most meaningful moments that you’ve shared with your daughters made them so special?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:03:58]:
Sure. So I think that’s just such a powerful question. And one of the things that I think about, I’ve had the good fortune to homeschool both my daughters along with my wife, and both of them are also competitive fencers. And so we are on the road a great deal of the time. And quite frankly, it’s been a joy to be able to be so present in their lives in the ways that I have been. And I think one of the most powerful things just recently that I think about, and I’ll take each one separately, For the 15 year old, she’s the one who first started fencing. And when she started fencing, she faced a lot of adversity. It was really a challenge for her.

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:04:35]:
She did not do as well as we might have hoped or she may have hoped, kept losing bouts and losing bouts and losing bouts. And she never gave up. She loved the sport so much, it wasn’t even about the winning. Like, I, as a parent, felt pain that time and again, she kept losing. But I never forget that first doubt. It was as if she won the Olympic gold medal, and how much I was able to see the joy in her face. And she jumped in my arms and everyone celebrated. And that was one of the most beautiful and powerful things in recent times that I’ve been able to share with my oldest.

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:05:11]:
With my youngest, who’s a lot more quiet, who’s kind of a little bit more focused in her own head, I think one of the most powerful moments is just really being able to I remember going on a walk with her and and really asking her, you know, what’s on your mind? What’s going on? And he was able to talk to me in a most the the different way that I ever imagined a 13 year old, or at that time, actually, it was an 11 year old, was just talking about the world and asking me such, you know, compelling questions and, and really feeling like this was a special moment because of the fact that typically when I go out with her, it would be with her older sister or we go out as a family. And I just remember it just so happened with Von Gorbachev, for some reason, I decided to take her along with me. And we had such a wonderful conversation, and it felt like I got to know her in such a different way. And as the youngest, sometimes she’s in the shadow of her older sister, and you you well know that. But I was able to see her as her own distinct individual with her own thoughts and her own feelings and her own opinions. And so I I really valued that moment.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:19]:
With two daughters, I guess, how do you balance guiding your daughters while also giving them the independence to grow into their own person?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:06:30]:
One of the things that I oftentimes think about is, one, because they are both girls, it’s easy to try to compare the two of them. And so we’re, we’re very intentional, my wife and I, to to make sure that we take them as our own unique, distinct individuals and then give them the room to take risks, make decisions in low stakes environments, but really helping them to know and understand that, yes, we have a particular path we may want them to go down, but also being able to let them do some of the things they need to do to really develop their sense of self, to develop their sense of efficacy in the world around them.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:09]:
Now not all times are positive. There’s always challenging times as well. What would you say are some intentional ways that you’ve worked to strengthen your bond with your daughters, especially during those challenging times?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:07:23]:
It’s being able to understand what they need at a particular time when they are facing a particular challenge. And so if they, for instance, have a difficult time, I’ll use fencing again as an example, they don’t do as well. Rather than trying to interrogate them or ask them what went wrong or what they could do differently, giving them the space that they need to process and then revisiting it at a particular point. That it’s really about understanding one might need to actually have that conversation right away, and the other may need more time to process before she’s ready to have those types of conversations. So giving them that emotional space, if you will, even if I, as as the parent, really want to be able to process it in the moment feeling like it might be useful, being able to recognize that their need, not my need first.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:12]:
I’ve definitely been there before, and I have two daughters that are very different, like your daughters are as well. And I definitely have made mistakes along the way. And you have to learn from those. And so speaking of mistakes, what’s a mistake that you’ve made as a father? What did you learn from it about fostering positive things with your daughters?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:08:34]:
I think the mistake that I made was exactly what I talked about prior, which is feeling like I want to process something with them when they’re having a difficult time. And and rather than giving them the room to say, alright, they need to process it on their own, rather than doing that, I kind of forged ahead and said, no, let’s talk about it now. And I learned that that was more my issue than their issue, and I needed to actually meet them where they were rather than where I wanted them to be. And it wasn’t a right or wrong in terms of them being at a place that was wrong and I was at the place that I was right. It was more about respecting what they needed in that moment rather than what I needed. And it is very difficult, particularly in the heat of a of a competitive environment where, you know, you see your child not doing as well as you may have wanted them to do, and you see that they’re upset. And so you want to be able to problem solve and think about what can be done differently. And that’s not what they need in that moment.

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:09:34]:
They need to be able to have some connection, a hug, and then may just need to take a walk.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:41]:
You know, I’ve said this over and over again, and I learned this from someone, a past podcast guest from another podcast that works with fathers in many different ways. And she said to me at one point, and I wish I had known this early on when my kids were very young, which was for working with your kids, you should, especially when you have daughters, should always ask them walking in and you’re trying to talk with them, they wanna talk with you, a listening conversation, solving conversation. And it was never something that I ever thought of. And so many of us as men externally need to process and we need to fix things. And women are not always that way. So that was a big moment over the last probably five to seven years when I first learned about that. And I said, I wish I would have known that way earlier because that would have made a huge difference. Now when now what do you do to intentionally what do you do intentionally to make your daughters feel valued, heard?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:10:47]:
One of the things that you that I think about is this notion of just being with them rather than doing something. Or as you said, we as men are are socialized to solve. And so for a long time, I felt like, okay, well, what is my role in the family as as, you know, I’ve got two girls, I’ve got my wife, and and what is my role? Is it to nurture? Is it to solve problems? And sometimes, it’s just about being with them and letting them open up the space and do what it is that they wanna do. Ask me questions, send me, like, silly memes, being able to, you know, talk about fencing. So I’ve developed a lot more patience around that, not feeling like I had to do things when I was with them. It was really just about being with them and seeing where things go and letting them lead. And sometimes, you know, as I said with my youngest one, she is a lot more quiet than my oldest. And sometimes we will walk, and we won’t even say anything.

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:11:48]:
She will not, you know, necessarily feel like she needs to have a conversation. And at first, I thought, okay, well, let me, start a conversation, and it was like, no. My oldest, soon as we go anywhere, she’s like chatting up a storm. We’re kind of like, you know, when I was younger, when she was younger, rather, I’d always talk about, let’s play the quiet game for a little bit because she would love to talk and that’s who she is, right? And I had to, with my youngest, recognize that no, she doesn’t need to have our time be spent filling the air with words. She may just value us being together and taking a walk in silence.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:25]:
Now you’ve talked about the fact that your daughters are competitive fencers, that you do a lot of traveling, that you’re supporting them in those ways. And as they’ve gotten older, I’m sure that they start to have other dreams and visions for the future. How do you support your daughters in pursuing those passions and dreams?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:12:45]:
Some of it is simply about exposure. If they say I’m interested in x, then it’s saying, well, let’s talk to someone who’s doing that. Let’s talk to someone who’s had that experience to sit down with them and really understand what it is that makes you interested in it and what it really will look like in practical terms. And then helping them to feel like it’s all right to explore. So I oftentimes talk about people being in moratorium where they’re exploring, they’re not necessarily making a decision. And ultimately, that is all right. And, letting them recognize that they can have a variety of options and also being able to be clear as to how to be supportive in helping them come to a resolution about a particular option or not. Sometimes they just wanna explore.

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:13:30]:
Sometimes they wanna come to a particular resolution, and really understanding the difference.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:35]:
I can tell that from what you’re saying, your daughters probably feel that you are there for them, that they know that they can turn to you, and you’re engaged and active. What’s one way that you show your daughters that they can always count on you?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:13:52]:
It’s being able to talk to them about whatever they wanna talk to, talk about. So when I pick them up from fencing or I take them to fencing, it it’s having conversations and and helping them to see that I am open to any difficult conversations, fun conversations, silly conversations, and just opening up the space in that way, not feeling like, again, I have to be in charge of how we engage with each other.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:18]:
And what’s one tradition or routine you’ve did together that has strengthened your bonds?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:14:24]:
One of the things that they always look forward to that that I talk about is what we call Friday night dinners, even though we do it typically at lunchtime now. But it was a tradition my wife and I started even before we had kids that as we had a very difficult, you know, week for work or or, you know, at the time we met when we were in graduate school, being able to know that Friday night was a time that we would all come together, connect, engage, and really have that space to process whatever we wanted to process. And so when we had our girls, we really wanted to then introduce them and integrate it into their lives because their lives now are really intense and on the run, so we don’t always have as much time to sit down as a family for dinner every night, but we want to make sure that on Fridays, even if we’re traveling, we will have that time to do our Friday night dinners, whether it’s breakfast, lunch, or actually dinner. And they look forward to it. Because sometimes we will not necessarily plan something. They’re saying, well, what’s happening to Friday night dinners? And we’re like, okay. We’ll we’ll make sure to incorporate it when we’re on the road as well.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:33]:
Now I mentioned the fact that you and your wife have a new book that is out entitled Your Child’s Greatness, A Parent’s Guide to Raising Children Without Imposter Syndrome. And as mentioned, I’ve seen imposter syndrome rear its head in many different ways, whether it be with young children, but also adults and young adults. And I loved this book because of the fact that you really are working to help parents to guide kids in a new way, to be able to see their self worth without really falling into that self doubt and security that can easily kind of dipped into their minds. And I guess first and foremost, as I always love being able to get the origin story here because I know you have a couple of books out and and you’ve done writing in the past. But tell me that origin story and why this book so important for you to put out into the world.

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:16:33]:
I appreciate the opportunity to tell the origin story because we don’t always have that opportunity. So it really started from our first book, which was published in 2020, called Own Your Greatness. And and that book really served as a workbook to help people through a step by step model overcome imposter syndrome. And then during the time that we promoted the book, we talked about the book, what kept coming up for us is people asking, well, how about children? How can I support my child in being able to make sure they don’t even develop imposter syndrome so that we don’t even need to talk about them overcoming it because they’ve never even developed it? And to us, at that point, we knew that at some point, we were going to have to write that book because it seemed to be so much in demand. So we had the opportunity after our second book, which is called Your Unstoppable Greatness, which really focused on imposter syndrome and how it’s triggered in the workplace, to really come back to our publisher and say, I think it’s time now for us to write this book. This is a book that we’ve been wanting to write for the last three or some odd years, and it’s the perfect opportunity to help parents, caregivers, anyone who works with children, young adults, adolescents to feel like they have a go to resource to support them in preventing impasse syndrome from developing and or if it has already developed, how to actually help them to overcome it. And so we are very excited to be able to have it out in the world, and we’re very thrilled to see how people respond to it.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:18:12]:
You mentioned this, but your book really focuses on helping children to develop strong internal sense validation. What are some key ways that you believe that fathers can specifically help their daughters avoid imposter syndrome and build confidence in who they are?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:18:30]:
So when we’ve talked about some of the ways that imposter syndrome has developed, one of the ways that we oftentimes talk about are are through their the origins typically come from early childhood experiences and and specifically the roles that people take up when they are younger. So there are three specific roles that we talk about. The first one is the smart one. So you are identified in your family very early on as the one who is naturally gifted and intelligent, Even though your grades may be just, you know, similar to someone else in the family, you’ve been deemed to be the smart one. And when you hit some level of adversity and don’t do as well as you may have typically imagined, you start to feel like, well, actually, am I the smart one? Maybe I’m a fraud. Maybe that wasn’t true the whole way. That’s one role. The second role is the hardworking one.

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:19:23]:
So you were given the role of someone who’s more socially adept, someone who is very hardworking, may not be as smart as the one who’s been deemed as smart one. Even though, again, your grades, your academic achievements have been very much similar, you were then stuck in that particular role as the hardworking one. So the message sent to you is you will only be successful if you work or tend to overwork because you’re just not as smart as many other people. And then the last role we talk about is the role of the survivor and someone who may have been raised in an environment of neglect, so they never even got any feedback about their abilities or their achievements. They’re just looking to survive. And so when we think about how dads can support daughters, it’s making sure that they are are not stuck in one rigid role, that the smart one can be the hardworking one as well and vice versa, that it’s being able to help them to know and understand that they have unique strengths, they have unique abilities. So when we talk about making sure to not compare them to you have two or more children, them being able to make sure that you’re not always comparing one to another in that way and helping them to know that they can take on a variety of roles, that they can fully appreciate their unique skills and strength.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:42]:
Now your book also makes an important distinction between internal and external validation. What can fathers do to ensure that their daughters valued who they are rather than for the achievements or how others perceive them?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:20:57]:
When we talk about this notion of of how people begin to get to a point of internal validation, it does actually start with some level of feedback that they receive generally from their families of origin, as to who they are. What is the narrative they develop about themselves? And so as a father to daughters, helping them to develop an accurate, thick narrative as to who they actually are. And what I mean by that is typically people with impasse syndrome have a very thin narrative of of who they are. They say, well, the only reason I was successful is because I was lucky, or the only reason I was successful is because someone liked me and they pushed me along. When you develop a thick narrative, you actually incorporate the fact that, Well, wait a minute. I actually have these unique skills. I have great communication skills. I have great leadership skills.

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:21:47]:
I tend to get along very well with others and really being able to help them appreciate their specific narrative, and they don’t necessarily dismiss their achievements in that particular way. So one of the things we oftentimes talk about is, yes, you will praise them when they do well in a particular academic achievement or extracurricular, but helping them to know and understand that you appreciate them no matter what that particular outcome is. That they got a hundred or a 95, your love will still be there. They win that bout, they don’t win that bout, the love will still be there. You will talk about the fact that you will give them that appreciation and praise and look to them to understand how they were successful in that particular moment, even if the outcome wasn’t exactly what they wanted.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:39]:
Now talking about that outcome not always being what you wanted, one of the other themes in the book was really talking about resilience, coping skills. How do you believe that fathers can play a unique role in teaching their daughters to navigate setbacks, failures, and doubt possibly in a healthy way?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:23:00]:
Sure. So I oftentimes talk about this notion of adopting a growth mindset. So growth mindset was a particular phenomenon talked about by doctor Harold Dweck that really appreciated the fact that we all will make mistakes in life. No one is perfect. But what are you learning through those mistakes? And it it’s not bad to make a mistake. A fixed mindset says, you make a mistake, you’re not perfect, there’s something wrong, that everyone just has a limited potential to grow. And if they can’t reach that, then then that’s that for them. A growth mindset says, there’s always a potential to further learn, to grow, to achieve.

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:23:38]:
Making a mistake is not the end of the world. It’s learning from the mistake. And so really engaging with your daughter as a dad to help them adopt that growth mindset. That when something goes wrong, it’s not about, Oh, I failed. It’s about, Well, what might you look at in terms of what you did well, first and foremost, and then what might you do differently rather than feeling like the the message is, I failed. I didn’t get what I wanted. And that’s that. It’s being able, again, when they are emotionally ready to process it in such a way to help them understand, should they be in that situation again, how might they approach it different?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:24:18]:
Now, fathers also serve as some of the earliest role models for their daughters in terms of relationships and self? What are some critical ways dads can model healthy relationships, strong boundaries to help their daughters develop positive self esteem? Well, I think one of the

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:24:33]:
things that I oftentimes talk about are that your children are always listening. Your children are always observing. So how you engage with those around you as well, your your partner matters. Right? And so I’m very much intentional. I remember when they were younger, and and I thought, okay. Well, I never want them to see my wife and I fight or argue. And then I thought to myself, well, then that’s not actually helpful because it’s a facade. It’s it’s helping them to believe that the perfect couple never argues.

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:25:03]:
So what I then realized, my wife and I, is that it’s alright for them to understand that, yes, sometimes we may have disagreements, but how do we handle those disagreements? How do we engage with one another during those disagreements so that they understand what healthy conflict is versus unhealthy conflict? That you will always have conflict, and conflict does not always have to be bad, but it is something that you want to ensure they understand how to engage in it in a healthy manner, to understand what a healthy relationship is, and modeling that for them and talking to them about it and being intentional when, you know, something happens and we do have a disagreement and we resolve it and they understand how we came to that resolution, and we apologize and go through that whole process as well.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:25:50]:
Appreciate you sharing that. Now, one of the other things that I was thinking about as I was going through the book and looking at how we can help our daughters to be able to find their own path is that many fathers want to support their daughters, but sometimes they struggle with concept of being able to let go, they grow more independent. I think you and I both have probably experienced that in our lives as our kids have gotten older. What advice would you give to dads on how to balance guiding our daughters well as allowing our daughters to explore and define success on their own terms?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:26:24]:
So recently, I’ve heard of this term and I’ve never heard of it before, this notion of lighthouse parenting, where apparently you are rather than a helicopter parent where one is always hovering, the lighthouse parent is one who serves as a guide to their child, but doesn’t necessarily constantly hover. So they give them the opportunity to make decisions on their own and process those decisions. They give them some level of independence. And so I really appreciated that concept, and I thought about the fact that without naming it, that is the way that we try to raise our girls and that we want to make sure that they build a sense of confidence in the way they make decisions, in their judgment. And so we talk about it when they have these opportunities to do so, whether it’s with their academics, whether it’s with their extracurriculars, really being able to think about the opportunities that may come up for them to make decisions that are in some ways lower stakes and then gradually building it up to higher stakes. But being able to recognize that, yes, as they grow older, they will have greater ability to make decisions. Some of those decisions you may not always agree with, but at what point do you enable them to make the decision, see what happens, and then talk about the outcome and the process of it, which is something that is very helpful in helping them to self efficacy in how they navigate the world.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:53]:
Definitely a process of learning, not only for us, but for them, and we definitely have to be willing to learn with them to be able to help them to grow into the people that they’re becoming. So we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our Dad Connection six and they’re really an opportunity to delve a little bit deeper into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:28:11]:
Yes.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:28:12]:
What’s one word scribes your relationship? Daughters.

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:28:15]:
Fun.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:28:16]:
What’s the best piece of dad advice ever received?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:28:19]:
It’s really allowing yourself to let go and not always be in control when you’re engaging with your daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:28:28]:
What’s one activity that you and your daughters love to do together?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:28:31]:
It used to be actually when I when they were younger. I’m I’m a runner, so I’d like to run with them. And so especially my youngest, we’d run all over New York City. Now it’s become being able to watch all their silly memes that they send me, via text and being able to process, some of the crazy things that they’re sending me on a day to day basis.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:28:53]:
Now if you could give your daughter’s one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:28:58]:
Appreciate and enjoy every day that you have, and and you will hit setbacks. You will meet adversity, but really true truly try to extract some joy every moment and every day that you have.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:29:11]:
What’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself becoming a dad?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:29:14]:
That I’m a lot more controlling a person than I thought I was, and that I needed to let go a lot more than I appreciated. So that, I think, was a very powerful life lesson for me to, take away from my time with my girls.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:29:31]:
And finally, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters? What would you say to them?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:29:38]:
I would say to to have patience with yourself and have patience with your daughters that, as you talked about, we’re going to make mistakes. We’re going to do things that might feel clumsy and awkward, but don’t necessarily let that deter you from continuing to engage with your daughters. They want you to be in their lives. They want you to connect with them. It’s just being able to learn how. And so taking the time to do so, and again, having patience with that process, I think, will really bear some wonderful fruits for your labor.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:30:15]:
Now, Richard, if people wanna find out more about you, about the book, where should they go?

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:30:20]:
So they should go to, first and foremost, my website. It’s dynamictransitionsllp.com. So dynamictransitionsllp,asinPaul,.com. Then you can find me on Instagram. We’re very active there. So we have an actual handle dedicated to the book. It’s called At Smart Parenting Strategies. So look for that where we share resources, tips about engaging more children and and parenting advice of all types.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:30:51]:
Richard, I just wanna say thank you. Thank you for your time and for sharing your own journey with your own daughters and for putting this book out into the world. It’s such an important topic and one that if we start utilizing these strategies early in our children’s lives, it will make huge, huge and allow for our kids to be able to live those lives that we want them to live without the imposter syndrome sneaking in. Well, it may still sneak in, but but maybe less imposter syndrome sneaking in. So, Richard, thank you. Thank you so much for being here, and I wish you all the best.

Dr. Richard Orbé-Austin [00:31:27]:
It was my pleasure. Thank you so much for having me.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:31:30]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of the dad and daughter connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes at dadanddaughterconnection.com. Until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting, and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Outro Performer [00:32:00]:
We’re all in the same boat and it’s full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time. We give the lessons. We make the meals. We buy them presents and bring your AK. Because those kids are growing fast, the time blows by just like a dynamite blast. Calling astronauts and firemen, carpenters and musclemen, get out and be the world to them.

Encouragement Over Praise: A Guide to Boosting Your Daughter’s Self-Esteem

April 21, 2025 by dadofdivas

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In today’s fast-paced world, the importance of a strong bond between fathers and daughters cannot be overstated. As highlighted in the recent episode of The Dad and Daughter Connection podcast featuring Martha Burich, nurturing these relationships is essential not only for personal development but also for fostering a sense of security and confidence in young women. Martha Burich, speaks about her book “Yes, You Can Raise Happy, Responsible Children” and shares some of the things that she has learned and shared through her writing to help all parents.

Dr. Christopher Lewis and Martha Burich delve into the complexities of father-daughter dynamics, emphasizing that fathers play a pivotal role in shaping their daughters’ perspectives on life and relationships. While mothers naturally receive recognition for their nurturing roles, Burich points out that fathers often don’t get the accolades they deserve, despite being fundamental to their daughters’ emotional and psychological development.

Martha shares her personal story, detailing the challenges and triumphs within her own father-daughter relationship. Her father, affected by his experiences as a prisoner of war, faced demons that impacted their family life. Despite these challenges, Martha highlights moments of learning and tenderness, illustrating that love and kindness can coexist with imperfections.

A significant theme of the podcast is the idea that fathers must actively engage with their daughters to help them grow into resilient and independent women. This engagement includes encouraging daughters to fail and learn, breaking the cycle of needing perfection for validation. The podcast underscores the difference between praise and encouragement – with the latter focusing on effort and growth rather than outcome, fostering a mindset of persistence.

Discipline, another critical component of parenting discussed, is portrayed not as a harsh reality but as a foundation for building respect and boundaries. Children, Martha explains, need to learn the value of ‘no’ for long-term personal and societal benefits. Fathers, therefore, should strive to create environments where discipline is balanced with love, ensuring their daughters understand and respect boundaries while feeling supported.

Moreover, the power of everyday interactions is highlighted as being instrumental in shaping a child’s emotional well-being. Fathers are encouraged to engage in meaningful dialogue with their daughters, asking about their daily highs and lows to foster deeper connections. Listening, rather than always providing solutions, is presented as a tool for building trust and understanding.

Ultimately, the podcast serves as a reminder that being a present and engaged father isn’t about perfection—it’s about authentic connection and consistent involvement. By focusing on these themes, fathers can better support their daughters in becoming confident, independent individuals prepared to face the world’s challenges.

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and daughter connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
If you’re looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’re in the right place. I’m doctor Christopher Lewis, and the dad and daughter connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we’ll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let’s get started. Because being a great dad isn’t just about being there, it’s about truly connecting. Welcome back to the Dad and Daughter Connection. I am so excited that you are here this week. And as always, every week, I love being able to sit down, talk to you, work with you as you are working to create that strong connection with your daughter.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:09]:
No matter where you are right now, there are always things that you can do to be able to build a stronger relationship, but also a stronger connection in general with your daughter. And that’s what this show is all about. Every week, I wanna be able to offer you opportunities to be able to learn, to grow, to be able to identify new ways that you can create those strong bonds that are going to help you and your the relationship with your daughter as you continue on together. That’s why every week I bring you different guests, different people with different experiences that can give you some perspective on this. And hopefully, at the end of every episode, you’re gonna be having some some notes that you’ve taken, some things that you’ve thought about, some maybe brain explosions that allow for you to be able to say, hey, I haven’t thought about it that way, but maybe I can think about things a little bit differently. Maybe I can do some things a little bit differently. This week, we’ve got another great guest with us. Martha Birch is with us.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:07]:
And Martha is an author, a speaker. She’s a behavioral change consultant. And she has a new book that is out called Yes, You Can Raise Happy Responsible Children. Now don’t all of us want to raise happy, responsible children? I know that I definitely want my kids to be happy and responsible and would have loved to have had this when they were very young as well. So we’re gonna be talking to her about not only her own experience as a daughter herself, but also talk about this new book with the resources that are in it that could help you with your relationship with your daughters. Martha, thanks so much for being here today.

Martha Burich [00:02:45]:
Chris, I’m absolutely thrilled to be here. Your dads are so important. And, you know, it seems to be in our society today that dads don’t get the accolades and they don’t get their due because father daughter relationships are pivotal for positive adult male female relationships.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:03]:
Definitely agree with you there. It is so important. I mean, there’s so much research that’s out there that shows that, and it is still important. I’m not negating the importance of the bond between the mother and the daughter, because that is crucial as well. But every study that I have seen out there, every study that I’ve read shows that daughters without a father that is actively engaged in their lives, it severely impacts their ability to be strong, independent individuals in society and definitely makes a difference. So, so I would love to start with delving a little bit deeper into your own relationship with your own father. And I know at the beginning we talked about the fact that your relationship was, I said, was it positive? Was it negative? Was it somewhere in between? And you said it was somewhere in between. So talk to me a little bit about that relationship.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:50]:
And you said it was in between. Talk to me about that. What made it in between for you?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:55]:
And and

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:55]:
then we’ll we’ll go from there.

Martha Burich [00:03:56]:
Well, my father was a prisoner of war of the Germans in World War two before I was born for two years, and that definitely skewed him. You know, he was a very, very nice man, a kind man. He he never yelled, but he was affected and it affected him. He became a very heavy drinker, but you could never tell. He he was never drunk. I guess maybe he was always drunk. I don’t know. You can never tell.

Martha Burich [00:04:20]:
But he he pretty much gambled and drank all the money away. And, on the one hand, you can’t blame him because who when people go through experiences, we have no idea what he went through. But then on the other, you know, my mother would tell me stories of when I was very, very young and there was no food. We had no food because my dad drank and gambled at all. So he could be the kindest man in the world, but he was irresponsible in that way. So, yes, we had a bit of a rocky relationship. I I don’t know. There was never any outright animosity or anything, but, you know, my parents divorced when I was about five.

Martha Burich [00:04:51]:
So I didn’t see my dad a lot, but I did see him about once a year. And I want to tell you a story. When I was about seven, my stepmother was a very heavy drinker. She was an alcoholic and a mean drunk. And I think I was seven or eight and she got mad at me for something. I I don’t know what I did. So I went to bed and pretended to be sleeping. And my dad came home, and she just Martha this and Martha that and blah blah.

Martha Burich [00:05:13]:
Just I guess I could do no right. And my dad looked at her and he said, Kathleen, she’s eight years old. What could she possibly have done that that’s bad? But, you know, that kinda tells who my dad was. He he really was a kind human being. And I remember another time we had a dog. Oh, this really touches me. He had a dog. We didn’t have a dog at my mother’s house, but dad had a dog.

Martha Burich [00:05:36]:
And the dog threw up in the car one time, and dad was cleaning it. And I was very young, and I said, how can you do that? And he goes, when you love something, you take care of it. That just touches my heart because my dad really was a caring and loving man, but he had these demons I think that ran him a little bit and made him not as positive an influence as he could have been.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:56]:
Now, you talked about those demons and some men have those, some fathers have those in their lives and they have to deal with those or if they don’t, it’s going to impact the relationships around them. As you and your father grew in your relationship as you got older and and he got older as well, talk to me about those demons and how or if you ever had an opportunity to talk through that with your father. And if not, what do you wish you would have talked to him about?

Martha Burich [00:06:28]:
Yeah. No. We we never we never discussed it. I don’t think he ever discussed it with anyone. I think that was something that he probably took to his grave. And, you know, my brother and I were were both talking about, you know, was our dad an alcoholic? Because he would drink a fifth a day, but he would be the same person all day long. A lot of people drink and they become mean or just unpleasant and silly. But my dad was the same person all day long, so we really don’t know.

Martha Burich [00:06:53]:
We think maybe he was just a heavy drinker, but that’s a pretty heavy drinker. Let’s talk about the importance of dads. And and, you know, for for my dad or for dads, if you have a drinking problem, it’s time to get it get it solved because you’re not helping your family or your children or society in general. So it really is time to take a look at yourself. I go to the jail every Monday and the treatment center every Wednesday, and I talk to the women, addicts and alcoholics. And, you know, a lot of them have mixed relationships with their parents, with their dad, with the men in their lives. They expect I think we become confused about relationships. What’s the point of a relationship? To build a future together.

Martha Burich [00:07:29]:
Not to constantly make one another feel good, but to build a future together. Where are we going with this? How do we want our children to behave? What do we wanna have in ten years, in twenty years? How are we gonna build that? But if we’re constantly men do this and women do that, then we’re wasting our time, really, basically. You know, that’s another thing too. We’re constantly looking for highs and pleasure, immediate pleasure. Well, then we’re we’re ruining our lives that way because if people who can’t say no to themselves become people who are addicts, alcoholics, very unpleasant to be around. So we have to learn how to say no to ourselves and to our children. And I think that’s part of what’s happening in society today is children aren’t hearing no the way they need to, and then they don’t say no to themselves, and then everybody’s miserable.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:13]:
Now with that mixed relationship that you had with your dad, with the highs, the lows, and probably the in betweens as well, are there things that you wish that your dad had done differently when it came to building the relationship that you had?

Martha Burich [00:08:27]:
Yes. You know, my dad was was a hunter, and he shot deer, you know, being here in Michigan. I wish he would have taken me hunting or things that he did with my brother that he he never did with me. You know, there’s a picture of my brother when he was two standing on the bumper of a car while my dad’s fixing it. My brother’s got a little tool in his hand that he’s gonna hand to my dad. Well, I didn’t get to do that. I have a friend whose dad, she has four boys, but her dad taught her everything. She can tear down a car.

Martha Burich [00:08:55]:
She can take the engine out of it and put it back together because her dad taught her how to finish furniture, how to do all that cool stuff, the kind of stuff that makes you feel competent and and useful. So that, I wish that he would have showed me how to do a lot more things than he did. I have another story. Let me tell you a story, Chris. I have a friend. He’s got grandchildren, and this is about his grandson. Anyway, the grandson was about four, and he had one of those little, gas powered motorcycles. This is a real one.

Martha Burich [00:09:22]:
And the kid’s four, and I think it it went fast. Anyway, so he’s toodling around, and dad and and, grandpa are watching the child out in the field with his little motorcycle. And he comes around, and he comes up to grandpa. And grandpa goes, you know, I don’t think you’re going fast enough. Would you like to go fast enough? Said no mother ever said no. And, you know, that’s another reason why dads are so important because dads take you fishing. You see grandpa and the daughter with the you’re fishing. Dads do all that kind of cool stuff, teach you how to fix things and do things.

Martha Burich [00:09:52]:
And, you know, so it’s really, really an important relationship. And another thing that, I wanted to you probably already know this. College, when parents take their children to colleges to look at them, it’s usually dads and daughters, moms and sons. I heard this from a person who worked at a college who did the college days.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:10]:
I have seen that, and that is an interesting dynamic that you don’t always think about, but it is true. So, as you think back to the relationship that you had with your father throughout your life, how has that relationship that you had with your father influenced the way you navigate life, relationships, or challenges today?

Martha Burich [00:10:30]:
Well, that’s such an interesting question. My husband was a very nice man. He died in 02/2008, and, we were married twenty five years, and he was a gentle soul like my dad. I remember one time, his name was Tony. Tony and I were looking at our son, Anthony, when he was a baby. We used to have date night, I think, on Friday or Saturday night. We came home, and then we would watch look at Anthony in his room, in his little crib sleeping. And I remember one time, my husband looked at me and he said, I don’t know what I would ever do if anything happened to this baby.

Martha Burich [00:10:57]:
You know? And I just I just remember thinking what a tender heart he has.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:01]:
Now if I know your your father has passed, and I guess if you look back now or if you could spend one more day with your dad and do anything, what would it look like?

Martha Burich [00:11:12]:
That’s really interesting. What would it look like? I guess I would just sit with him, ask him about his life. My brother and I are both confused because we believe our dad was adopted. There’s there are no records, and I was looking back through genealogy. And we think he was adopted by his stepdad. But, see, we just had no relationship with his side of the family at all. So there are so many questions when it comes to our dad.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:37]:
Now I mentioned at the beginning that you had, that you’ve put out a new book called Yes, You Can Raise Happy, Responsible Children. As an author myself, I know how much time and effort goes into the, and some blood, sweat, and tears go into the writing of these books to get great content out in front of the world. But, I guess, talk to me about the impetus and what made you decide that this book needed to be written and that you wanted to put it out into the world.

Martha Burich [00:12:09]:
Well, that’s a really great question. You know, my son’s grown now, and he’s successful. He has his own business. When he was four, he was just spoiled rotten. His dad and I, we thought the way that you raise a happy child is you always say yes. No. That didn’t work too well. And I remember one day carrying him outside of a store because I finally learned to say no, and I meant it.

Martha Burich [00:12:28]:
This time, I really meant it. And he was in shock. He was in shock. I had to carry him out of the store screaming and kicking and everything else because I had finally learned to say no and put my foot down and then took parenting classes. And in six weeks, we turned him around from being so spoiled that we really didn’t like him very much. He was very unpleasant to a very cooperative, pleasant young man. As I said, he’s he’s successful now and he’s grown. And everything that I learned there, I put in the book because and it’s also the information that I used.

Martha Burich [00:12:57]:
I was ten years as a child psychology professor and sixteen years as a high school special education teacher. And all the information that I put in the book are the same things that I used to communicate with my parents, with my students, and also with the ladies and the the people at the jail and the treatment centers. So, yes, it’s only 60 pages and pretty much just tells you, here’s what you do at the grocery store if the child won’t behave. Here’s what you do if they won’t put their seat belt on. It’s just boom, boom, boom. A quick read to help here’s what you do to improve their, self esteem, to help to get you to the place where your children are cooperative and you’re working together. Because so often as parents, our children don’t realize that we’re a unit. We’re a family unit.

Martha Burich [00:13:36]:
Family is the basis of society, and a happy family helps create a happy society. So our families, just like our partnerships, need to be what’s our goal? Our goal is to build our family to be happy and healthy and to work together to help each other.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:51]:
And I love books that are practical and be able and allow you to be able to take something right out of it and put it into into action right away. Now I know that in reading through your book, your book really emphasizes the importance of building self esteem in children. How can fathers specifically help their daughters develop confidence and resilience, especially in a world that often challenges their sense of worth?

Martha Burich [00:14:17]:
Let them fail. Just you’ve got to encourage them to try everything and fail. Go after if you wanna if the daughter comes on here let me tell you this story. This is a typical one too. The child come home from school and go, they’re having a play at school. They’re having a play at school. I’m so excited. I’m gonna try out for the lead.

Martha Burich [00:14:34]:
Oh, honey. Oh, I’m so glad they’re having a play, but the lead, you might not get it. Why don’t you try to be one of the frogs? You’ll get that part. I bet you’ll get that part. Already, we’re teaching our children to not go after what they really want, to go after what they think they can get. This is how you get adults who go, you know, I I I probably won’t get that job. I won’t even try for it. I probably won’t be able to, you know, that person would never date me.

Martha Burich [00:14:58]:
I’m not even gonna try. So we have to teach our children to accept to, one, accept no for an answer, but also to realize that no is not the end. It’s the beginning. So teach your children to never give up and to keep failing because the only way to win is to keep going up the steps along the way. But failure and hearing no, you know, if you got to if you have to practice it, no, no, no, no, no. Learn to take no and go next, next.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:25]:
Now you also distinguish between praise and encouragement in your book. Can you share why this distinction matters and how fathers can use encouragement to build stronger, more authentic relationships with their daughters?

Martha Burich [00:15:40]:
That’s a really good question, Chris. Praise is, oh, you’re the best, honey. Oh, yeah. You do that. You you do that really well. You’re the best at that. Praise makes people feel superior, and there are places for it. But encouragement is, oh, you know, I like the way you did that.

Martha Burich [00:15:57]:
You took your time. I see you really pay attention to detail. Encouragement is giving the specifics and saying, don’t quit. Keep going. You know, oh my goodness. You’re almost there at tying your shoes. You can almost do it. Wow.

Martha Burich [00:16:10]:
You keep going. You don’t give up. So encouragement is encouraging, keeping them moving. But pray praise. Wow. You’re the greatest ball player. You’re oh my goodness. You always hit them out of the park.

Martha Burich [00:16:20]:
That makes people feel like the only way that they can get attention or love is if they’re perfect or if they do something really well. Praise is like, oh my goodness, you got a hundred on that test or oh, then the child thinks that, well, I a hundred is what I have to get. So it’s a fine distinction, but you have to be careful, especially and you don’t wanna tell you’re the best at this. You’re the best. Out of 8,000,000,000 people in the world, who can be the best? You know what I mean? The best you’re very good at this. You’re one of the best, but the absolute best is a whole another story.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:51]:
Now discipline is also often misunderstood. And in your book, you highlight some firm yet loving approaches. What advice do you have for fathers who want to set boundaries while still nurturing a deep trusting connection with their daughters?

Martha Burich [00:17:08]:
You have to. You have to. You will get no respect. Your children will walk all over you if you don’t when you say no, mean it. So think long and hard. When you say no, don’t say no and change it to yes because that’s what got me and and my husband in trouble. And that’s what gets a lot of people in trouble with their children and with their families. They say no, but then they change it to yes when people push back.

Martha Burich [00:17:30]:
So you have to really think, alright. When when a child asks you for something, you have to think, well, am I do I wanna say yes or no? And if I’m going to say no, am I gonna back it up? Because otherwise, you’re gonna be a pushover and everybody will be miserable. Everybody will be miserable. Children who don’t accept no become unpleasant humans at school. They cause problems at school and they keep others from learning. So we have to learn to accept no. So definitely and you know what? Don’t just yell across the room. If the child’s doing something, Get up.

Martha Burich [00:18:03]:
Get up. Go up to the child. Look them in the eye, and don’t rather than saying stop running, say walk. I had one person tell me she told a a friend of hers who’s a kindergarten teacher. The teacher said, oh my goodness. My classroom is these children are so poorly behaved. And she said, well, why don’t you try this? Why don’t you tell them what you want them to do rather than what you don’t want them to do? She said in a week, the teacher came back to her and said, just that one tip has changed my classroom. Now children, here we’re going to start this activity.

Martha Burich [00:18:29]:
Here’s what I need you to do. We’re gonna have our paper and our pencil out, and we only draw on the paper. What did what did I just tell you? Where do we draw? We only draw on the paper. Tell children what you do want, not what you don’t want. We’re gonna go to the grocery store. I need you to walk right next to me. If you can’t see me and I can’t see you, there’s a problem. So what do I need you to do? I’m gonna walk right next to you, mom, dad.

Martha Burich [00:18:50]:
That’s right. Exactly. And if I can’t see you, guess what? You’re gonna sit in the cart. And then when they run off and they will, the grocery store is a fun place. I love it. And, you know, everything’s right at their eye level. They get excited. They’re gonna run off.

Martha Burich [00:19:03]:
Okay. So you just took go to the chat and go, I see you decided to sit in the cart. Where are the bananas? I need help. Look. Look for this. Look for that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:11]:
Now you also talk about the power of small everyday interactions in shaping a child’s emotional well-being. What are some simple but powerful ways fathers can intentionally connect with their daughters on a daily basis?

Martha Burich [00:19:25]:
You can’t just say how was school. I used to ask Anthony, what was the best thing that happened to you today and what was the worst thing that happened? And we would have a discussion. He would tell me his. I would tell him mine. I knew more about what was going on at school than the teacher a lot of times. I knew who misbehaved. I know what they did. You know, he would tell me everything.

Martha Burich [00:19:43]:
One time he came home and he told me this absolutely fabulous story, It Could Always Be Worse. I called a cut winner, and he described this book to me. In fact, I bought a copy of that book. I loved it so much. But, you know, that’s how we would share. He would tell me the stories he learned, and he would tell me the stories. And he would tell me about what happened. And it wasn’t what happened at school today, but what’s the best thing that happened? What’s the worst thing? What do you think about this? What do you think about that? What’s your opinion on this? Why do you think she said that? Why do you think he did that? Because those are real connections.

Martha Burich [00:20:12]:
And what happens is when we don’t really listen to our children and and I’ll I’ll tell you another story. One time, Anthony was about 10, and he had gone with a friend and the friend’s father, and they had gone shopping. Well, the friend’s father had bought his son a toy, but he didn’t buy Anthony anything. So when Anthony came home, oh, he was mad. He goes, I can’t believe it. He bought him a toy. He didn’t buy me anything. And I said, well, what do you expect? You’re not his son.

Martha Burich [00:20:35]:
And Anthony looked at me and he goes, I’m never talking to you again. You don’t understand. And I realized what I had done. I had gone mother on him, correcting him. And I said, oh, I I apologize. Please tell me again. He told me the whole story again, how angry he was and, you know, and it’s just not fair. Blah blah blah.

Martha Burich [00:20:52]:
And I said, boy, it sounds like you were really hurt and you’re mad. And he said, yes, I am. And then he went off and played. He just wanted to be heard. Sometimes your kid you know, your your kids, your spouse, your friends, they just need, need you to listen. They don’t want advice. They don’t want help. Or you could say, I I have some advice.

Martha Burich [00:21:09]:
Would you like to hear it? But otherwise, they’ll just listen.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:12]:
Now, many fathers may have been raised with different parenting styles than what your book suggests. What strategies do you recommend for dads who want to break cycles of criticism, tough love, or emotional distance, and replace them with healthier patterns?

Martha Burich [00:21:28]:
You know what, Chris? Here we go. Shut up your mouth. That’s what my grandmother used to say to me. She came from Italy. Shut up your mouth. Just because you think it doesn’t mean it comes out of your mouth. Sarcasm and insulting, those don’t foster positive relationships. You really need to think, is this going to improve our relationship or not? If it’s not going to improve the relationship, be quiet.

Martha Burich [00:21:55]:
Be quiet. Your child doesn’t need constant advice and to be told what they’re doing wrong and how they can do it better. What they need is a good listening ear and someone that they know that if they have a problem, they can go to.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:07]:
Well, Martha, I really appreciate you sharing all of this, and I’ve really enjoyed reading through the book. As Martha said, it is a short book. It’s it doesn’t take a lot of time to go through, but it’s got practical, great advice that can help you in your daily interactions with your own kids. Now, Martha, if people wanna find out more about the book about you, where should they go?

Martha Burich [00:22:28]:
Well, the book is up at Amazon, but also I have a Facebook group called Mastering Child Behavior. Join the Facebook group, and in there, there’s a free quiz. Your your parenting style tells you your parenting style and how it affects the behavior of your children. So, yes, join my Facebook group, Mastering Child Behavior, and I’m on Facebook and LinkedIn and all the places, and I do have a website, marthaburridge.com.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:50]:
And we will put links in our notes today to make sure that you have all of those. But, Martha, thank you so much for being here today, and I truly wish you all the best.

Martha Burich [00:22:59]:
Thank you, Christy. You really touched my heart today. Thank you.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:02]:
That’s a wrap for this episode of the dad and daughter connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our episodes at dadanddaughterconnection.com. Until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting, and keep being the dad she needs.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:33]:
We’re all in the same boat, and it’s full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time. We give the lessons. We make the meals. We buy them presents and bring your AK. Because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast. Calling astronauts and firemen, carpenters and musclemen, Get out and be the world to them.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:24:20]:
Be the best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.