Moving With Kids – The Post-Move

This is the third part in a series of three that talks about moving with children and things that you and I can do to assist them and lessen their overall concerns and stress during this period of time. In case you missed it you can read the first part of our series, I encourage you all to read about how to assist children during the Pre-Move as well as the second part of assisting children during the move.

I asked Jeremy from Discovering Dad, Tyler from Building Camelot, Joey from Daddybrain, and Josh from Raging Dad to share their experiences with you. I hope you will enjoy this series and look forward to your comments!
————————————————————————————————- Similar to losing a loved one, kids need time to mourn the move. You may need time for this as well. Personally, I’ve never felt the need to do so, but others in the family have and I respect their needs. I also try to create an environment where I validate their feelings, even if I rarely agree with them. Each move we’ve made has been for the right reasons, so while it may not be “perfect” at the time I always viewed us as being one step closer to our goals in life. As such, after the move, just like before the move, I always try to maintain a positive attitude and help family members find the good in the situation.

One thing that made a big difference in this last move was the kids’ rooms. We had our house built for us, and we made sure that all of the kids’ rooms would be bigger than in our previous home. Then, we also made plans ahead of time to make the rooms comfortable and perceptibly better than before. Beyond the home itself, we also tried to find things within the neighborhood or community to do to connect with other families.

With every new friend and fun activity, the whine fest lessened. Usually, within a few weeks, life got back to normal. Within a few months, my daughter would call the new place home. It might seem like a small thing, but I always tried to use the word “home” in reference to our new house as often as possible, just to reinforce that we were moving forward from this place in time.

When I really think about it, I used the same tactics with the move as I did with most other negative or stressful situations with my kids – I used the art of distraction until they were able to accept things on their own. The few times it got really bad though, I did have to explain that the decision was made for reasons that could choose to accept or not; however, we weren’t changing our minds and everyone needed to make the best of the current situation.

Moving is a very hard and stressful thing, and it is really important in situations with kids involved that the parents are looking for every opportunity to guide, lead and support with love. When you do those things, you create a safe environment for them to explore a new world and let go of the old one.

————————————————————————————————- Olivia had as much fun unpacking boxes as she did packing them. She was excited to be in the new house and we were very fortunate that she made the transition pretty easily. A few days into the new house, she started to ask about the other house and wanted to “go home”. We kept telling her that this is our home now and both mommy and daddy and Olivia had new rooms. I think she only asked a few times and then it became a distant memory. One time, about 2-3 weeks after we moved, we drove by the old house and Olivia started saying “Our home, our home!”. We kept driving because we didn’t want her to get confused. It’s amazing to me, even to this day, what kids can remember and recall.

In a few of our visits to the new house, we had met some new neighbors. We met a family that has a daughter a little younger than Olivia and they hit it off pretty early. This gave us another point of discussion with our daughter about moving to the new house. We have since met other families with younger children. On our old street, she had not made any friends and knowing that there were going to be some other kids around help Olivia and mommy and daddy.

————————————————————————————————- My wife was amazing with this. She joined a local mom’s group, which immediately introduced my wife and kids to the local community. None of them were left alone and isolated in the house because my wife took the initiative, found the group and began attending events right away.

I, on the other hand, went to work for about 11.5 hours a day. After working from home for over three years, this was quite a shock and adjustment. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever “adjust.” I liked working from home and being a key player in the daily events of the family.

We moved into a neighborhood that was a little older (16 years). It is warm and inviting with plenty of trees, and a park down the street. The backyard is almost 10,000 square feet, so the kids love it (it’s a pain to mow though). We made sure the local school was one of the better ones (again, thanks to my wife). Basically, we placed ourselves in an environment that was far superior to where we were.

I’m sorry I don’t have better answers.

I do have to say that we all struggle with the isolation felt from being 800 miles away from everyone we love. There are no visits to grandma’s and grandpa’s house. There is not help for us when we’re at our wits end. It’s just us – 24/7 – and it feels pretty grueling.

I know you are looking for positive transition tips, but the cold hard fact is that this is tough. Very, very tough. Our quality of life is great out here, although my job has a higher stress level than that of NYC.

But what is being sacrificed? Time for our kids to be with their families. Which is irreplaceable.
Thanks for listening. I hope this helps.
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We have been in Portland for two years now, and I can say without hesitation that relocating across the country has been the greatest challenge of our lives.

To meet other parents, we joined a parents-of-multiples organization, but found it to be very cliquey and hard to break into. This was surprising, because we really counted on using that as a way to meet other parents who were dealing with similar challenges as we were. The mommy crowd in Portland is hard to crack in to.

Our first success was when our daughter Connie began to attend a preschool/dance academy. Many of the parents who sent their kids there were wealthy (we are not), and at first it was hard to make connections with parents there as well. But thanks to our daughter, we became friends with a wonderful couple who had two girls and seemed to share many of our interests.

I had built many connections with coworkers, some of them with kids, but it did not prove to be the easy way of making connections for my wife or our family. Only now, two years later, are we starting to feel as though we are getting networked into the community. Again, that is due to our kids. Connie started playing in a soccer league, and starts kindergarten this week. Our boys begin preschool this week as well, so there are three instant outlets for meeting new people to connect with.

Being so far from family has been difficult, and the high costs of traveling have limited our ability to get back to Minnesota, and for relatives to come out here to see us in our new city. We have found that timing the visits from family is important, trying to have someone coming every four to six months. When the stretches are longer than that, it is very hard on my wife and the kids. Because we flew back the last two summers, we may not be able to go next year, and we are worried about the impact that will have on us emotionally.

All in all, we love our new home. It is a better house than we had in Minnesota, and I am very satisfied with my new job. The bottom line is that for two years, we keep looking forward to being settled in, to feeling as though we have a sense of place here in Portland. I think the kids and I have found that place. My wife is doing so much better than when we first came, and I have to say that she is an amazing woman for being willing to make the leap of faith to try such a thing as moving far away from her family. While this has been our greatest challenge, we believe that we are starting to see that there is going to be happiness for us here in our new city.

Not everything in life is easy, and moving is no exception. I really think that every family’s experience is going to be very unique, but hopefully, there are some lessons in here that might help in the preparation. The most important piece of advice I can give to a family considering a long-distance relocation is to go into it knowing that it will challenge your relationship in ways it has not yet been challenged. We underestimated how difficult it would be, and thankfully, we have an incredibly strong relationship and wonderful children who have managed to survive, and even thrive in this new world we have made for ourselves.

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