Dads in the Limelight – Matt Amundson of The DadBase

My name is Matt Amundson, and I’m a 43 year old father of 4. I’ve been a dad longer than I’ve been anything else. I started when I was 18, just after I finished high school, and it wasn’t planned, but that’s not the same as not being wanted. We had no intention of having a child, but as we deliberated on what to do, we couldn’t conceive of losing her.

 For work, I’m a training and learning development specialist, or at least training to be one, which really means I apply my dad teaching skills to adults. In my non-dad time, I make liqueurs, watch baseball and football, play 4 year old video games (they’re less expensive when you buy them used and I’m looking forward to Red Dead Redemption when I can get it for $5 in 2 years), and my new hobby, waste money on gym memberships. I also enjoy grumbling about too many lights on in the house.

For some reason, Dad of Divas thought I should be in the limelight, and I’m not entirely sure why. I run my own web series called The Database (Thedadabase.com) where I interview other dads over a beer or two (or tea or scotch or water, etc.) and we talk about their stories and experiences as a dad, so that we can all learn from each other. Maybe that’s it. Or maybe it’s our mutual admiration of traveling teddy bears.

I have 3 children from a prior marriage. They are Restory (24), Anna (18), and Rose (16). My 4th child is Maxamilia (5) years old. All girls. I also have a loving wife, Sonja, who is an amazing mom and bonus mom to all of them.  Somehow, someway, I was entrusted with these wonderful gems of people. I can’t understand that reasoning from the universe, but I’m thrilled with it and still intimidated by the responsibility.

3) What has been the largest challenge you have had in being a father?

Our family has a history of mental health issues on just about every side of my children’s ancestry, and they’ve had their own bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts, and even self-harm. It’s humbling and terrifying to worry about your children, and feel helpless, and so I strongly advocate for parents to establish a healthy mindset towards therapy and counseling WELL BEFORE a child needs it. Pre-teens and teens can benefit from going to therapy when things are good just as much as when they are working through an issue. Having an unbiased 3rd party that they can talk to confidentially about ANYTHING THEY WANT is an unbelievable asset, and could save everyone so much hardship and grief down the road.

Just as equal of a challenge was the end of my first marriage. It was painful and many times very ugly, and the worst pain of it all was dealing with a transition that I couldn’t see my children every day as before. It was the most painful part in an ocean of sorrow and bitter tears. I eventually found some silver linings, but that initial separation, and not having a say in where they were, who they spent time with, or how they were cared for was incredibly difficult.

My daughter Rose has a dairy allergy as well. She carries around an epi-pen in case she has an accidental exposure/ingestion of dairy in some form. I’ve had to use it a handful of times now, and then rush her to the ER to make sure she’s safe. Getting other people to understand the severity of her allergy can be frustrating for everyone involved.

Ok, so this is going to be a long section, so just bear with me.

First and foremost, be prepared to fail. All the time. Again and again and again. And know that the next day, the next moment, is a chance to get it right. You have to be able to admit when you were wrong, and own up to that. Some of the worst feelings is when you have to apologize to your own children, and they forgive you when you feel like maybe they shouldn’t. And you’re going to be scared more often than you think, wether it’s because of actual potential harm to your children, or fear from indecision. But as my own father told me about parenting “You knew the job was dangerous when you took it.” It’s not for the faint of heart, and the payoffs come in the smallest of moments. But they’re better than anything else you’ll experience.

Other advice? Sure.

Your intimate life is NOT going to be the same as it was before your children. Don’t expect it to, especially for a good few years. Yeah, I said years. Talk it out with your partner before and after the baby, and have some patience and understanding.

Take paternity leave to be home with your baby. Yes your partner needs your help. That’s not why you’re doing this. You’re doing it to spend time with your child and bond so your family gets off on the right foot. Get that time with your newly formed family, and bask in it.

As soon as it’s even possible, get skin to skin contact with your baby. And I mean… as soon as possible. Put that baby on your chest. Moms usually get first go at it, which is totally cool. In some instances like cesarean, it’s not always possible. That’s your moment. Either way, you WANT that moment. It will be monumental and you’ll wish it never had to end.

I’m not done.

Take a baby sign language class, because your baby will be able to communicate what they want long before they can use words.

Take naps with your baby as often as you can, because it’s the best quality of naps, and has nothing to do with the “sleep when they sleep” advice you’re going to hear everywhere. Remember when you slept with stuffed animals and how great that felt? This is thousands of times that.

Learn baby CPR, because you want to have those skills and never have to use them, but if you have to use them, you’re gonna want those skills.

Trust your instincts.

If you’re not sure if you should take your child in to the doctor, take them in and remove the doubt. Whatever your copay is, it’s worth the peace of mind.

If your wife/partner isn’t sure about going to the Dr, and you think it’s fine…. Go to the dr. Whatever your copay is, it’s worth your partner’s peace of mind.

When you bring the baby home, and people come to visit, your job is to protect mom. That means you have to be the bouncer sometimes. That especially applies to family.

Volunteer at the school as often as you can. Go on field trips. They will love it. Until middle school. Go anyway.

Whenever it’s possible, get down on the floor and match your child’s level. It shows them respect that they deserve, and helps them relate to you better.

Get used to being a jungle gym. Sometimes as a dad, you need to take a beating as playground equipment to keep the peace in the household.

Talk to your children like people… not like children. Treat them like people. Because they are. Don’t dumb down your language unless you absolutely have to. It will help their vocabulary, and building their minds.

Every message to your children should be supportive, whenever possible. The world is full of critics ready to tear people down. Your children need you to lift them up.

Teach consent. Teach respect for other people’s bodies and opinions and feelings.

When you argue with your spouse, argue respectfully.

YOU ARE THE EXAMPLE YOUR CHILDREN WILL FOLLOW. Remember that all the time. Give them the model that they should follow.

You can’t give kids your childhood. Things change. So don’t try. Give them as great of a childhood of their own as you can.

Write memories down. Even the little ones. ESPECIALLY the little ones. You don’t think you’ll forget, but you will.

Put the phone down. Don’t try to record even moment… savor some moments just to be in them.

Come talk to me if you need more advice, or you want clarifications on what I’ve shared.

Oh, wait! Establish a ritual of individual time with each of your children along with group family time, so that they know they are individually important to you as much as they are part of the family.

I was terrible at it. I spent so much time with my first 3 children, that I missed out on so many things. I would go to work to make the money and get the health benefits they needed, I couldn’t do the volunteer work I am doing now, or interact with them the way they deserved. It wasn’t until I was laid off that I could make up for lost time with my youngest. I established a rotating daddy-daughter night where Wednesday of each week I would take one of them out for mini golf, or Dairy Queen, or whatever just to check in and let them know I cherished my time with them.

That said, you’ve got to be able to take care of yourself, and get some time away as well, to recharge your own batteries. I was poor at that for a long time as well, and I’ve only recently learned what it means to invest in myself. I think that comes from having children at such a young age, and having to work so hard just to scrape by.

Patience, humor, and the ability to appreciate that each child is different, and needs a different approach. It’s such a wide set of variables. What works for me might not work for you, or for your child’s temperament. Some respond differently to pressure. There’s limitless ways of being a good dad, and plenty of ways of being a poor dad.

Lessee, I’ve shared so much… what’s left?

I rarely measure up to the standards or expectations I have for myself in my head. At Christmas or Hannukah, I regularly wish I could have done more. I can beat myself up pretty good over failings. There are times when I’ve had to discipline my kids, and things feel really low, and I wonder if the kids and I are going to get through our hurt feelings. And then a day or two later, they come up and give you a hug (or vice versa) and you have a nice little moment, and everything is good in the world again.

I’m a big baseball fan, so some of what comes to mind are trips to the ball park on Fathers day. Most of the kids don’t care about the game, but they go anyway because they know how much I enjoy it, and they want to see me happy, and that feels great. Also, hot dogs, cotton candy and soft pretzels are core values.

I’m a big Twins fan, and we were in the playoffs against the Yankees a few years ago. My oldest daughter was at work, and as soon as she got out of her job, she raced to my house, walked in and grabbed 2 beers from the fridge. She opened both, handed one to me and sat down on the couch next to me. I didn’t know that was on my bucket list until it happened, but that small tiny moment is an example of where all of the hard work, and tears, and heartache that comes with raising a child pays off. It is a small moment like that which will be impossible to place value on, because of how much it means. It will mean everything to you.

There are moments when I see the older girls step up to take care of their younger sister, and seeing them interact in a positive way gives my soul rest from worry. It’s my greatest fear that they will drift apart when I am gone, and I hope they maintain a true sisterly relationship the rest of their lives, despite the age difference.

I played mini golf in the rain with my daughter Rose on the last day of a vacation at a resort. It was terrible weather, but it was worth the smile on her face throughout. I remember telling her goofy stories to help keep her calm during a dairy allergy reaction. She’s become an even better punster than I.

I sat in the crowd as my daughter Anna bared her soul at a feminism event called Roar, and saw how unbelievably strong she is. I’ve watched her compete in swimming, and listened to exasperated groans of “Daaaaaaad” at my goofiest moments.

I danced with each of my first 3 daughters at my 2nd wedding, and it was a moment I go back to often in my more wistful dreams. Another reason I wish I could go back and re-play that day, and never make any changes.

I make biscuits with Maxamilia on a regular basis, and I don’t care how they turn out. I just love the experience of working together with her. She’s also big on planting and growing tomatoes and other plants.

It’s the little moments that become memorable.