Our 653rd Dad in the Limelight is author of  Doug Kisgen. I want to thank Doug Kisgen for being a part of this series. It has been great getting connected with him and now sharing Doug Kisgen with all of you.

1) Tell me about yourself, (as well as how you are in the limelight for my readers’ knowledge)

I am a faith-filled husband of 23+ years, father of five and a successful entrepreneur. I am the author of , published by Morgan James. I wrote it in a fable format so it would be an easy read, but it is full of many well-researched principles from modern psychology and ancient philosophy of how to live a more joy-filled life.

 

I have a Bachelor of Science in Biology, a Servant Leadership Certificate from Gonzaga Graduate School, am a certified catechist, and a graduate of the Entrepreneurial Masters Program hosted by MIT. I have also participated in formal spiritual direction and doctrinal formation since 2008.

 

2) Tell me about your family

My wife and I met when I was a senior in college. We dated for a couple years and then were married in 1994. We have lived in four different states and worked together either for or in the same company five times now. Highlights include managing a health club (The MAC in Cedar Rapids, IA), working as Family-Teachers at Boys Town (where we lived with eight at-risk boys), owning a Home Instead Senior Care franchise (which we sold in 2012) and we recently invested in Iron Tribe Fitness in order to open a few gyms in San Antonio, TX.

 

We also own an organizational consulting company that utilizes a program called Culture Index. We help entrepreneurs and executives create people strategies that conform to their vision. We also alleviate the pain associated with not knowing for sure who is good at what. Readers can check out kisgengroup.com to learn more about this process.

 

We have five children. Our oldest just completed her freshman year at the University of Texas-Austin. This fall we will have three in high school and a second-grader.

3) What has been the largest challenge you have had in being a father?

My biggest challenge was and is prioritization. I have the tendency to be a workaholic because I love to work. But of course, I love my wife and kids, too. So making it all work was and is tough, especially since we had four children in a little over five years.

 

My wife unfortunately had two miscarriages prior to having our first child. So I think there was close to eight years where she was pregnant for at least part of every year. She is a saint! My faith was relatively weak back then and so was my understanding of priorities. Fortunately, a failure in business made me rethink what was really important. I know about living an imbalanced life.  A little over a decade ago I relocated my family to buy a business and ended up $300,000 in debt.  I learned the hard way what life was really all about and managed to turn my life around and become a millionaire – and a happier family guy.

 

Now I know that first comes God, second my wife (yes, the greatest gift we give our children is to love our spouse!), then children and last everything else, including work. Sure, there are times when I have to travel, as we have clients in over 15 states. But when I am home, I am home. I put my phone away and do my best to focus on the others. Of course I fall short sometimes as my mind has a hard time transitioning, but I have come a long way since I first started working on this.

 

4) What advice would you give to other fathers?

First, keep in mind life isn’t about you. It’s about focusing on others around you. It took me a long time to figure this out and I still get it wrong quite often! I am a fan of Pope Francis and he says three things every successful family is good at saying: please, thank you and sorry.

 

Please means we aren’t taking requests for granted. Thank you means we are always showing gratitude. It’s tough to be angry or sad or resentful when we are grateful. And we need to be the first to apologize when we are wrong or have hurt someone else in our family. This can be the means for turning arguments or disagreements around so that healing can take place sooner and faster.

 

Here are a few other things I learned while at Boys Town that you might find helpful/interesting:

• There are three basic kinds of attention: good, bad and none. Virtually every child will take bad over none. If kids are acting up in any way, think first about how much positive attention you have been giving to that child. Covey mentions an Emotional Bank Account in his book the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. Praising equals deposits, criticizing equals withdrawals. What is the balance on all your family’s accounts?
• Fairness does not always mean sameness. Different kids have different needs. Different children grow and learn at different paces. Some are more sensitive than others. Some are more self-correcting than others. We need to have some basic rules that are non-negotiable, but we should have some rules that reflect the honest and natural differences among our children.
• Teach kids to be self-sufficient. They should learn how to deal with money, make decisions and suffer natural consequences for failing to take proper responsibility for them. My son wanted to take an online driver’s education class that my daughter had already taken. So he went online, found the course and pleaded with me to pay for it. I said, “I bet there is a discount for a second family member signing up.” He said, “That’s great” and told me to call. I said it was his responsibility to call. After a little discussion, I said I would split the difference if we saved money. He called the next day and there was indeed a discount for a second child. We ended up saving about $20 so I gave him half in cash.

5) How have you come to balance parenthood and outside life? 

This is a constant battle. I normally attempt to have a clear separation. I take all the kids to school every day so we get some quality time together. I do my best to send them off with a positive start. I don’t allow any music to be played or headphones to be worn. We try to have slightly deeper conversations. It has worked out well. I will often work a little in the morning before they wake up, work all day and then work a little after everyone has gone to bed. However, when I come home from work, typically around 5, I usually put my phone out of reach and do my best to spread my attention around to all my kids.

 

6) What have you learned from the fathers that you have interacted with?

Patience. I have very little. I have also learned how to juggle life with a larger family. We have several friends with more children than we have. It’s amazing how love simply expands to accommodate everyone.

 

Each child brings joy- and of course challenges- but they do so uniquely. I have also learned balance in terms of quality time with each child. I have learned how to put God first and that setting aside regular prayer time does not cause other things to fall through the cracks. It actually multiplies time because it forces me to be more intentional, focused, diligent and organized with the time I have.

7) What else would you share regarding your experiences as a father thus far?

Fatherhood is a gift. In a sense, we don’t deserve to be given such tremendous responsibility. It has been easy for me to take it for granted, or to justify working harder for them when all they really want is my attention. Sometimes I am tempted to put them before the needs and desires and dreams of my wife. I think this has been the most important aspect of marriage and children. If the global priorities are out of alignment, the whole family will eventually drift apart, especially the spouses.

 

My wife and I do our best to check in with each other at least once a day with zero interruptions. We also do our best to have a date night, or at least workout or go for a walk together. I think this is the most important part of being a father- loving and supporting your wife, and being in total alignment when in front of the kids. We can disagree in private, but we must demonstrate a united front to our kids.

 

8) What have been the most memorable experiences that you have had thus far as a parent?

Too many to list, but I will throw some out anyway. The birth of all our children was most profound. Their first days at school. Family vacations with hikes and parks and family visits. Traditions, like Friday Night Movie Night where we have fun snacks and all watch a movie together and Sunday evening meals.

 

Celebrating holidays and important dates and Sunday Mass with almost always a fantastic brunch afterwards. The awards and sports and grades and contests some of the kids have excelled at. The deep conversations we have every now and again on our way to school. The tears and great support and the general unity when both my wife’s Mom and my Mom died within six months of each other. The random hugs each child gives to us. The kiss my youngest son expects every morning before going into his school. Every day presents such beautiful moments. Thanks for the question to make me remember to appreciate them more!

If you have any questions for Doug Kisgen, please leave a comment here and I will make sure that he gets them so that he may be able to respond!

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