discipline - Dad of Divas

Fatherhood Friday – Discipline or Bad Parenting

April 3, 2015 by dadofdivas 13 Comments

Have you ever had the experience where you are made to feel like the worst parent of the year when you are working to discipline your child? Have you ever said to yourself, I never thought I would say that?

I know that for me, both have occurred. As a father you have to make some big decisions that can ultimately make long lasting effects on the growth and development of your own children.

One experience that I had that just galled me was one day when I was sitting in the parking lot of a Target. Diva-J had just been taken out of the store because of bad behavior and she was crying (screaming was more like it). I placed her in her seat and buckled her into her seat. Needless to say I was a bit upset, but I did my best to keep my cool. As I was shutting the door, a young woman came up to me and said, “I saw you hit your child!”

I was incensed. I in very few words let it known to this so called do-gooder that I would never hit my child no matter how angry I would get. She still thought that I had hit Diva-J, and the only thing that I could think of that might have looked like this was when I was buckling Diva-J into her seat and I had to quickly buckle to keep her in her seat. It didn’t help that Diva-J was screaming the entire time.

Needless to say, not a moment that I would like to happen everyday, but it did teach me a lesson of how some actions can look to a passerby.

Have any of you ever had something like this happen?

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The Three Ingredients Needed to Raise a Successful Child

May 23, 2010 by dadofdivas Leave a Comment

The Three Ingredients Needed to Raise a Successful Child
by Gary M. Unruh

A think-tank study* reveals the secret: tough love is made of three ingredients — a confident parent(s), warmth, and consistent discipline.

After forty years as a child mental health counselor, I enthusiastically agree with this study’s conclusions, and you probably do too. But how do you mix these three ingredients in just the right way? That’s the trick. After working with 2500 clients, I’ve seen a recipe emerge that really works.

Let’s start by understanding warmth, consistent discipline, and confident parents, then get to the mixing-the-ingredients part.

Warmth toward your child is the result of well-developed parental love, which I call “unleashed” parental love. Unleashed parental love focuses consistently on the good within a child during good times as well as difficult times. Warmth means acceptance — a child’s fundamental need. It’s a parenting skill that needs to be learned. With practice, warmth happens consistently and your child’s belief of “I’m good,” “My mom and dad accept me” will be firmly established.

Discipline is teaching and training from the perspective that your child is fundamentally good and that unacceptable behavior needs to be continually changed. The best training occurs with consistent firm limit setting (tough love), delivered with respect (warmth). The key discipline point to impart to your child is this: You are more than your behavior. Your child must believe, “My behavior is only a part of who I am. I am fundamentally good, acceptable even when I make a mistake.” With this belief in place, self-confidence flourishes.

Parental confidence comes from successful results. Your confidence builds when your discipline results in your child’s (1) behavior consistently improving, (2) self-confidence flourishing, (3) independence increasing, and (4) bond with you remaining solid.

So, how are these ingredients combined for the best result? First some general guidelines and then several tried and tested mixing tips.

General Guidelines:
· Your most important job is to establish “I’m good” within the center of your child. This is a child’s life essential need — it is the foundation for flourishing self-confidence for your child to feel “I’m accepted.” But how is this done? Always validate and focus first on your child’s feelings and thoughts and then on their behavior. Why? Feelings and thoughts are the direct line to your child’s core of “who I am.” Validating feelings validates your child. The result? A feeling of “I’m acceptable, I’m good, no matter what.”

· Warmth and discipline need to happen at the same time. It’s typical for warmth to be absent from discipline (“I’m sick and tired of your always being late.”) Warmth during discipline is a learned skill; parents aren’t born with it. Once learned, discipline sounds like this instead: “You’re having trouble with your eleven o’clock curfew. Let’s find a way that will help you stick with it.” There’s no flexing on the curfew time, but it works because it opens a discussion. You listen, you validate feelings, and you come up with a plan that works for both of you. That’s warmth and discipline combined.

· Discipline (teaching, training) needs to be clear and firm (tough) — NO means NO. The behavior is unacceptable and needs to stop. Action needs to reinforce the words, consistently. The eleven o’clock curfew mentioned above is handled like this. First Eva was allowed to share her frustration with Dad validating her feelings. Then Dad made the point, “You need to be home at eleven o’clock every time.” Then a deal was struck: “If you follow the curfew for a month, the time will be extended for thirty minutes, just as you requested. No excuses during the next month. If you break the rule, your car is gone for two weeks.” Eva starts to argue. Dad responds as he walks away, “Discussion’s over.”

Finally, here are some tried-and-tested mixing tips:

– Start with your child’s feelings and thoughts, not yours.
– Deal with behavior only after feelings and thoughts have been
  validated.
– Set initial expectations for 98 percent success. Success is a huge
  motivator for change.
– Avoid judging.
– Delete negative comments.
– Be calm. Walk away if frustration gets too much. Too much anger
  leads to “I’m bad.”
– Listen 75 percent of the time and talk 25 percent. Keep talking to a
  minimum; make yourself understood with only one or two points.
– Ask questions during the 25 percent talking time.
– Admit your mistakes.

What’s the take-home lesson?

Teaching and training your child with consistent, firm limit-setting in a warm caring way gives you and your child outstanding results. You will become a confident parent. And your child will establish self-confidence (“I’m good”), feel accepted, be successful, and establish great character traits.

Gary M. Unruh, MSW LCSW, is a child and family mental health counselor with nearly forty years of experience. He is the author of Unleashing the Power of Parental Love: 4 Steps to Raising Joyful and Self-Confident Kids (www.unleashingparentallove.com).

(* Demos think tank study released 11/10/09 – www.demos.co.uk/blog/children-of-character.)

Book Review – 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children Ages 2-12

April 14, 2010 by dadofdivas 1 Comment

About the Book
The award-winning, best-selling 1-2-3 Magic book provides practical and easy-to-learn parenting techniques that WORK for children ages 2-12. You won’t need to study child psychology to understand the three simple steps in the program and get results quickly!

Step 1: Control Obnoxious Behavior. Learn a simple technique to get your kids to STOP doing what you don’t want them to do (whining, arguing, tantrums, sibling rivalry, etc.).

Step 2: Encourage Good Behavior. Learn several effective methods to get your kids to START doing what you do want them to do (cleaning rooms, going to bed, homework, etc.).

Step 3: Strengthen Relationships. Learn four powerful techniques that reinforce your bond with your children.

You will also learn how to manage the Six Kinds of Testing and Manipulation, how to handle misbehavior in public and how to avoid the Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-Hit Syndrome.

Other topics include “When Do You Talk?”, “Overparenting” and “Real Magic: One-On-One Fun.”

1-2-3 Magic is also available as a DVD and an audio CD. Spanish language editions in all formats are also available.

My Take on the Book
As I have mentioned in the past, we have a five year old that can be a hand full and her sister (who is 2) is starting to learn some of the same habits. We have tried a number of different approaches to deal with some of the behavioral issues that we see in Diva-J but after a certain point the approaches tend to lose their effect, so we are always on the lookout for new things to try.

In some situations our girls are very well behaved, but in others, they definitely need some assistance (as do we as parents). I had heard good things about this book, so I was excited to read it and try out the principles. Some of the things in the book we were already doing, while others were definitely new. At this point, the techniques do seem to be making a difference and I am hopeful that as we continue with this, it will only continue.

One of the tactics that the book talks about is counting to three. I have been using this technique in a different way, but I liked how this book examined and explained this concept. It gave me some new insights and reminded me of some others that I had tried in the past that I plan to revisit again now after reading this.

If this book sounds like one you would like in your own library you can find it on Amazon!

All opinions expressed in this review are my own and not influenced in any way by the company. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Please refer to this site’s Terms of Use for more information. I have been compensated or given a product free of charge, but that does not impact my views or opinions.

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Book Review – You’re Not The Boss Of Me

April 11, 2010 by dadofdivas 1 Comment

About the Book

What parent hasn’t thought her child was a brat at one point or another? Whether your child really is a brat, is at risk of becoming one, or is simply trying to grow up in a world filled with temptations and distractions, Betsy Brown Braun, bestselling author of Just Tell Me What To Say, has written the ultimate hands-on guide to cultivating, character traits that are tried and tested brat busters including gratitude, respect, honesty, independence and self reliance, among others.

Betsy’s down-to-earth advice and no-nonsense practical “tips and scripts” are derived from her expertise working with thousands of children (from toddlers to teens) and parents for over three decades. With Braun’s humorous, supportive and authoritative voice as a guide, parents can navigate some of the more difficult aspects of these formative years and lay the groundwork for their child’s future with confidence.

About the Author
Betsy Brown Braun, best selling author of the award winning book Just Tell Me What to Say: Sensible Tips and Scripts for Perplexed Parents (HarperCollins, 2008), is a child development and behavior specialist, parent educator, multiple birth parenting consultant and founder of Parenting Pathways, Inc.

Betsy leads parenting groups, seminars, and offers private parent consultations throughout the nation. With over 35 years of experience in public and private early childhood and elementary education, Betsy has directed and founded school programs, taught in both public and private schools, has been a school director, and was the founding director of Wilshire Boulevard Temple’s Early Childhood Center. She holds an MA in Human Development and teaching credentials from Pacific Oaks College.

In 2001 Betsy founded, Parenting Pathways, Inc. to provide guidance to parents seeking the skills and confidence needed to negotiate the often-challenging parenting pathway. Her bestseller now in its 4th printing, Just Tell Me What To Say, presents the tried and true tools her clients use daily to handle situations that inevitably accompany raising children ages 2-6 and beyond. Just Tell Me What To Say has been translated into Greek, Korean, Portuguese, and Russian. Her second book, You’re Not
The Boss Of Me: Brat Proofing Your Kids will be released in April 2010.

Betsy’s parenting expertise has been featured in USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, U.S. News & World Report, Cookie, Family Circle, Nick Jr., Parents, Parenting, Pregnancy and Newborn, Toddler, Twins, and Woman’s Day, among other publications. She has shared her expertise on the Today Show multiple times. Other television appearances have included The Early Show, Entertainment Tonight, Good Morning America, KNBC, and Fox News LA. She contributes to KNX news radio on child development, and has been a guest on countless radio programs nationwide, including NPR. Betsy is a frequent speaker at educational conferences, schools, and businesses.

Betsy and her husband Ray Braun are parents of adult triplets.

My Take on the Book
As a and parent I am always looking for advice on how to do better and be a better parent for my girls. As any parent knows, there are definitely no true guidebooks to being a parent, and much of what we learn is hands on, which means that at times we make mistakes (but isn’t that how we learn?).

This book is a treasure trove of resources that were very down to earth. I enjoyed how easy this book was to read and how user friendly the advice was. I found myself taking bits and pieces of each chapter and trying to implement them within my own family with positive results.

What I loved most about the book was that in every section of the book there were numerous examples of how a parent could implement the strategies, this alone was worth the read!

I completely recommend this book to any parent trying to get a bit more help with their child, you will not be disappointed, I know I wasn’t!

If you you would like to have this book as a part of your own collection, you can find it on Amazon!

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Priceless Parenting – A Great Training Instrument For Parents

September 9, 2009 by dadofdivas Leave a Comment

I was pleased to be offered the opportunity to review a great parenting resource over the past few months called Priceless Parenting.

I had the opportunity to interview Kathy prior to accessing the content of her site and I can tell you that she truly is a down to earth individual who is all about helping parents become better parents while at the same time working to let parents lower their stress levels while increasing the responsibility of children.

Not only does Kathy maintain her company’s website and the free and paid resources that are included, she also maintains the priceless parenting blog that provides parents with wonderful tidbits and helpful hints about being a better parent.

The Priceless Parenting Course

The Priceless Parenting course is a must have for parents no matter how veteran. The topics that she covers impacts all ages from infant to adult children.

The program is very user friendly. It is a web based training that is broken down into 7 Lessons with topics including:

Parenting basics
Sharing control
Problem ownership
Letting your kids think
Consequences
Chores
Bringing it all together

The program is very accessible with a secure login for people taking the course. Each lesson is supposed to take about an hour. I was able to get through some of them a bit quicker, but if you were going to take this with your spouse/partner (I would highly recommend it), it may take longer as you discuss issues and topics as they are presented.

The lessons are narrated by Kathy and uses down to earth, real life examples which truly makes the training that much more pertinent. Each lesson even has a homework section that you and your partner can work on together.

Unlike many parenting programs out there, this program is completely self paced. The program allows you to move as quickly or slowly as you would like. The online format/video based format of the program allows you to use forward and back arrows as much or as little as you like to move seamlessly between the topical areas that you know and the areas you may need to hear again. This toolbar also allows you to pause the program as needed, so if you have a parental disturbance (as many of us do) you can deal with it and then go back to the class, starting up where you left off.

The program is somewhat similar to the ideals brought up in some of the other parenting books I have read in the past. Kathy commented that she had tried to use the best of the resources that she was aware of to develop this program adopting the best of the best and taking out the parts that just did not work. She also put in personal and other examples to make the training even more meaningful.

I truly appreciated all of the material that was covered within the training. I have never gone through a formal training like this before and I found myself always looking forward to the next lesson and the learning that it would impart. I already find myself using the knowledge from this course with my eldest (Diva-J). One of the biggest things that I have been trying lately from the training is the idea of choices and providing choices for Diva-J to allow her the freedom to make mistakes and offer learning moments.

I also have to put in a plug for the cartoons that she uses in parts of the lessons. As a fan of the Baby Blues cartoons, she uses these cartoons well to emphasize her points.

This training is inexpensive in terms of what you get and in terms of what else is out there on the market for parenting courses. For 3 months access to the site you pay only $65, and Kathy will even let you register on her site for access to the first lesson to try things out.

Recently the Huffington post just ran an article on the importance of parent education: http://tinyurl.com/ljkxvc in which Kathy was interviewed.

For those of you who do not know Kathy, let me shed some light on who she is… from her website itself, Kathy Slattengren is:

a noted parenting educator and presenter who created Priceless Parenting in 2007. She has a deep commitment to teaching parents the critical skills needed for effectively responding to misbehavior while guiding children to becoming responsible and respectful.

While raising her own two children, she learned many wonderful
parenting techniques from classes, seminars and books. Through studying research, she discovered a universal body of knowledge about how effective parents do their job. Her Masters of Education degree from the University of Washington combined with her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and Computer Science from the University of Minnesota has enabled her to pull together
parenting research into a course that is easy to understand and apply. After
teaching numerous parenting classes, she knew that parents really benefited when
they learned more effective parenting techniques.

Parents reported how much happier and calmer their homes were after using
the new techniques. Wanting to share this valuable information with parents
everywhere, she created an online course so parents could learn these valuable
skills at their own pace and from the comfort of their own home.

I whole-heartily encourage all of you to check out Priceless Parenting to become an even better parent!

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New to the Divadom?
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Questions?Drop me a line at dadofdivas@gmail.com

I look forward to seeing you back here again!

Priceless Parenting – A Great Training Instrument For Parents

September 9, 2009 by dadofdivas Leave a Comment

I was pleased to be offered the opportunity to review a great parenting resource over the past few months called Priceless Parenting.

The Priceless Parenting Course

The Priceless Parenting course is a must have for parents no matter how veteran. The topics that she covers impacts all ages from infant to adult children.

The program is very user friendly. It is a web based training that is broken down into 7 Lessons with topics including:

Parenting basics
Sharing control
Problem ownership
Letting your kids think
Consequences
Chores
Bringing it all together

I also have to put in a plug for the cartoons that she uses in parts of the lessons. As a fan of the Baby Blues cartoons, she uses these cartoons well to emphasize her points.

Recently the Huffington post just ran an article on the importance of parent education: http://tinyurl.com/ljkxvc in which Kathy was interviewed.

For those of you who do not know Kathy, let me shed some light on who she is… from her website itself, Kathy Slattengren is:

a noted parenting educator and presenter who created Priceless Parenting in 2007. She has a deep commitment to teaching parents the critical skills needed for effectively responding to misbehavior while guiding children to becoming responsible and respectful.

While raising her own two children, she learned many wonderful
parenting techniques from classes, seminars and books. Through studying research, she discovered a universal body of knowledge about how effective parents do their job. Her Masters of Education degree from the University of Washington combined with her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and Computer Science from the University of Minnesota has enabled her to pull together
parenting research into a course that is easy to understand and apply. After
teaching numerous parenting classes, she knew that parents really benefited when
they learned more effective parenting techniques.

Parents reported how much happier and calmer their homes were after using
the new techniques. Wanting to share this valuable information with parents
everywhere, she created an online course so parents could learn these valuable
skills at their own pace and from the comfort of their own home.

I look forward to seeing you back here again!

Come and Vote for Me!

August 1, 2008 by dadofdivas 1 Comment

I have a picture up at Discovering Dad for a photo contest. There are some great ones there and the winner will be named the master of optical discipline!

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Maniverse #9 – On Becomming a Disciplinarian

July 18, 2008 by dadofdivas 4 Comments

It is not easy to discipline your own child. You can read as many books as you want but depending on the temperament of your child, not every discipline/punishment trick will work. Depending on the temperament of the child you have to be creative and try new things – one size definitely does not fit all.

In our family Diva-J is a good example of this. We have read many books on parenting a strong willed child and have tried many things, but not all techniques work with her. So we have had to go ‘off book’ per se and at times be creative with our techniques.

This creativity can sometimes cause conflict within the household. Not only within your relationship with your significant other, but in the family environment in general. It is not always easy to keep the peace when other power struggles are going on in the confines of the home.

In regards to disciplining a child, there are many thoughts on what is right and what is wrong on this. One of the most bi-polar discussions surrounds spanking of children. J-Mom and I have struggled with this as we grew up in families that did not pass out spanks/swats very often, but when we did get one, we knew that we were in trouble and that we should heed what was being said. As Diva-J has gotten older and more defiant (at times) we have had to struggle with the idea of using this technique as well to solidify a point. Now I know that there are many who have said that a child should never be hit, and I say, that is your choice. J-Mom and I have decided not to spank Diva-J, not because we do not think it will work (which it may or may not), but instead, for us, we feel that it is not teaching Diva-J anything long-term. For us, we see spanking as a short-term solution, and we have seen situations where children have said, “I just need to get my swat and then all will be better.” This to us does not show that things will change in the future so we are trying other alternatives to discipline Diva-J and down the road Diva-PJ.

Becoming a disciplinarian also brings its’ share of times when you wish you could just disappear. At some point you may end up hearing your child say things such as “I hate you” or “Go back to work” or “I don’t like you.” As a parent you don’t want to hear this, and if you are a Love and Logic parent, as Jim Fay says, you should simply say “Nice try, but I love you.” Again, not always the easiest of things to say in the heat of the moment, but again, you have to love being a parent in these situations.

Being able to change and not see yourself as a friend to your child but instead as a parent to your child. This is not easy but it is necessary as there have been numerous situations that I have been in where a parent wishes to be a friend to their child and this is at the sacrificing of overall respect for the parent. The child does not see these parents as authority figures, or as someone to respect and look up to or revere, instead they see them only as a buddy, pal or friend.

Now there are some parents who see no problems with this and I am not saying that they are wrong. I am only saying that from experience and from some of the children I have seen that have been raised this way, as the kids get older, some problems at times arise due to the lack of respect, sometimes it backfires.

Every parent really has to ultimately make the final decision on what works best with their own child. You may note I did not say children. I did not say children on purpose as there are many cases where two children are polar opposites on the behavior continuum. One may be, as someone in my office said yesterday, “a pistol”, while the other may be as mellow as mellow can be. So a parent’s job is never easy, and what worked with one child in regards to discipline may not even come close to working with a second child, thus is the crux of a parent’s existence.

Personally I have found it difficult to become a disciplinarian myself. I tend to be a person who likes peace instead of conflict int he situations around me. Because of this it would be great to simply be a friend to my children, but I also want them to respect me as a father. Eventually I do hope that they will see me as a fiend when they get older, this is my ultimate goal, but you have to work toward this through the entire lives of your children, it doesn’t just become reality.

Here’s a few links to some sites on this that may help!

So my questions for you today…

What have been your struggles in becoming a disciplinarian?
What have you done to overcome these struggles?

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