This is the third part in a series of three that talks about moving with children and things that you and I can do to assist them and lessen their overall concerns and stress during this period of time. In case you missed it you can read the first part of our series, I encourage you all to read about how to assist children during the Pre-Move as well as the second part of assisting children during the move.

I asked Jeremy from Discovering Dad, Tyler from Building Camelot, Joey from Daddybrain, and Josh from Raging Dad to share their experiences with you. I hope you will enjoy this series and look forward to your comments!
————————————————————————————————- Similar to losing a loved one, kids need time to mourn the move. You may need time for this as well. Personally, I’ve never felt the need to do so, but others in the family have and I respect their needs. I also try to create an environment where I validate their feelings, even if I rarely agree with them. Each move we’ve made has been for the right reasons, so while it may not be “perfect” at the time I always viewed us as being one step closer to our goals in life. As such, after the move, just like before the move, I always try to maintain a positive attitude and help family members find the good in the situation.

One thing that made a big difference in this last move was the kids’ rooms. We had our house built for us, and we made sure that all of the kids’ rooms would be bigger than in our previous home. Then, we also made plans ahead of time to make the rooms comfortable and perceptibly better than before. Beyond the home itself, we also tried to find things within the neighborhood or community to do to connect with other families.

With every new friend and fun activity, the whine fest lessened. Usually, within a few weeks, life got back to normal. Within a few months, my daughter would call the new place home. It might seem like a small thing, but I always tried to use the word “home” in reference to our new house as often as possible, just to reinforce that we were moving forward from this place in time.

When I really think about it, I used the same tactics with the move as I did with most other negative or stressful situations with my kids – I used the art of distraction until they were able to accept things on their own. The few times it got really bad though, I did have to explain that the decision was made for reasons that could choose to accept or not; however, we weren’t changing our minds and everyone needed to make the best of the current situation.

Moving is a very hard and stressful thing, and it is really important in situations with kids involved that the parents are looking for every opportunity to guide, lead and support with love. When you do those things, you create a safe environment for them to explore a new world and let go of the old one.

————————————————————————————————- Olivia had as much fun unpacking boxes as she did packing them. She was excited to be in the new house and we were very fortunate that she made the transition pretty easily. A few days into the new house, she started to ask about the other house and wanted to “go home”. We kept telling her that this is our home now and both mommy and daddy and Olivia had new rooms. I think she only asked a few times and then it became a distant memory. One time, about 2-3 weeks after we moved, we drove by the old house and Olivia started saying “Our home, our home!”. We kept driving because we didn’t want her to get confused. It’s amazing to me, even to this day, what kids can remember and recall.

In a few of our visits to the new house, we had met some new neighbors. We met a family that has a daughter a little younger than Olivia and they hit it off pretty early. This gave us another point of discussion with our daughter about moving to the new house. We have since met other families with younger children. On our old street, she had not made any friends and knowing that there were going to be some other kids around help Olivia and mommy and daddy.

————————————————————————————————- My wife was amazing with this. She joined a local mom’s group, which immediately introduced my wife and kids to the local community. None of them were left alone and isolated in the house because my wife took the initiative, found the group and began attending events right away.

I, on the other hand, went to work for about 11.5 hours a day. After working from home for over three years, this was quite a shock and adjustment. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever “adjust.” I liked working from home and being a key player in the daily events of the family.

We moved into a neighborhood that was a little older (16 years). It is warm and inviting with plenty of trees, and a park down the street. The backyard is almost 10,000 square feet, so the kids love it (it’s a pain to mow though). We made sure the local school was one of the better ones (again, thanks to my wife). Basically, we placed ourselves in an environment that was far superior to where we were.

I’m sorry I don’t have better answers.

I do have to say that we all struggle with the isolation felt from being 800 miles away from everyone we love. There are no visits to grandma’s and grandpa’s house. There is not help for us when we’re at our wits end. It’s just us – 24/7 – and it feels pretty grueling.

I know you are looking for positive transition tips, but the cold hard fact is that this is tough. Very, very tough. Our quality of life is great out here, although my job has a higher stress level than that of NYC.

But what is being sacrificed? Time for our kids to be with their families. Which is irreplaceable.
Thanks for listening. I hope this helps.
————————————————————————————————-

We have been in Portland for two years now, and I can say without hesitation that relocating across the country has been the greatest challenge of our lives.

To meet other parents, we joined a parents-of-multiples organization, but found it to be very cliquey and hard to break into. This was surprising, because we really counted on using that as a way to meet other parents who were dealing with similar challenges as we were. The mommy crowd in Portland is hard to crack in to.

Our first success was when our daughter Connie began to attend a preschool/dance academy. Many of the parents who sent their kids there were wealthy (we are not), and at first it was hard to make connections with parents there as well. But thanks to our daughter, we became friends with a wonderful couple who had two girls and seemed to share many of our interests.

I had built many connections with coworkers, some of them with kids, but it did not prove to be the easy way of making connections for my wife or our family. Only now, two years later, are we starting to feel as though we are getting networked into the community. Again, that is due to our kids. Connie started playing in a soccer league, and starts kindergarten this week. Our boys begin preschool this week as well, so there are three instant outlets for meeting new people to connect with.

Being so far from family has been difficult, and the high costs of traveling have limited our ability to get back to Minnesota, and for relatives to come out here to see us in our new city. We have found that timing the visits from family is important, trying to have someone coming every four to six months. When the stretches are longer than that, it is very hard on my wife and the kids. Because we flew back the last two summers, we may not be able to go next year, and we are worried about the impact that will have on us emotionally.

All in all, we love our new home. It is a better house than we had in Minnesota, and I am very satisfied with my new job. The bottom line is that for two years, we keep looking forward to being settled in, to feeling as though we have a sense of place here in Portland. I think the kids and I have found that place. My wife is doing so much better than when we first came, and I have to say that she is an amazing woman for being willing to make the leap of faith to try such a thing as moving far away from her family. While this has been our greatest challenge, we believe that we are starting to see that there is going to be happiness for us here in our new city.

Not everything in life is easy, and moving is no exception. I really think that every family’s experience is going to be very unique, but hopefully, there are some lessons in here that might help in the preparation. The most important piece of advice I can give to a family considering a long-distance relocation is to go into it knowing that it will challenge your relationship in ways it has not yet been challenged. We underestimated how difficult it would be, and thankfully, we have an incredibly strong relationship and wonderful children who have managed to survive, and even thrive in this new world we have made for ourselves.

————————————————————————————————- New to the Divadom?
Please Subscribe to my RSS Feed! Subscribe in a reader
Questions?Drop me a line at dadofdivas@gmail.com

I look forward to seeing you back here again!

This is the second part in a series of three that talks about moving with children and things that you and I can do to assist them and lessen their overall concerns and stress during this period of time. In case you missed it you can read the first part of our series, I encourage you all to read about how to assist children during the Pre-Move.

I asked Jeremy from Discovering Dad, Tyler from Building Camelot, Joey from Daddybrain, and Josh from Raging Dad to share their experiences with you. I hope you will enjoy this series and look forward to your comments!
————————————————————————————————-

Everyone needs to have enough time to say goodbye. Give hugs. Cry it out. Give out the new address. Wave out the back window of the car. Drive off into the sunset. If only it were that easy. Moves are hard. They are one of the most stressful things a family can do, if only from a logistical perspective. It is mentally and physically exhausting, especially if you’re moving a significant distance. If it’s a long car ride, you can count on the mood to be somber and, perhaps, emotional.

Although I admit this to be something difficult for me (empathy is not my biggest strength), people need to be given the chance to release their emotions safely during a move. If not, then it will be hard to move on in a more figurative sense with your life in the new location. As a father, I tend to try and listen, while fighting the urge to “fix” things for my family when they are stressed. When we moved to our current house, we had to live in an extended stay hotel for several months while construction finished. Let me tell you, there was no amount of effort big enough to “fix” the frustration of being cramped in a small space for days on end, living in flux.

As for the physical move itself, we have always taken the same approach as family vacations: the more distractions the better. Driving in a car or rental truck for hours on end may seem like a great time for teaching kids new things, but in my experience, this is a huge mistake. Let the kids do mindless things, so that they can become engrossed in an activity rather than wallowing in their sadness about the move. You will be better equipped to listen and talk things through with them without the distraction of driving or car sickness. If you’re moving and you don’t have a portable DVD player (or one built into your vehicle), then I highly recommend getting one, especially if you have young kids. It will pay for itself many times over in stress reduction during long trips in the car.
————————————————————————————————-

While our house was on the market, my wife and I made every attempt to clean out all the closets, cabinets, dressers, attic, etc. and donate large amount of stuff to the local Salvation Army. This was a tremendous help because once we sold the house, and knew without a doubt that we were moving, we had a lot less to pack. We let Olivia help pack a lot of non-breakable items so she could feel like a part of the process. It also gave us additional opportunities to talk to her about moving into a “new” house with a “new room”. I think she played with cups and mugs more than she actually packed, but seeing the boxes around the house was a reminder that we were going to move.

The actual moving day was very hectic. We closed on both houses AND moved all in one day. For us, we wanted to keep her routine the same so we took Olivia to daycare. We told her that today was the last day in the house and after daycare, we’d sleep in her new room. She was very excited and kept asking, “See my new room tonight?”. I think the regular trips to the new house and all the discussions surround the new house really helped her with the transition.
————————————————————————————————- I don’t have a really good answer here. It was stressful. Especially with a one-month old. We didn’t want to leave NY, we simply didn’t have a choice.

That being said, listening to Max, answering his questions and letting him know what was going on, worked pretty well. Overall, he was very excited.

I think too often, adults think young kids don’t understand what’s going on, so they don’t bother to really communicate with them. Although a two-year-old may not fully comprehend the event, they are people too, and deserve to be “kept in the loop,” and respected.
————————————————————————————————-

Selling our house was so difficult, that it was beginning to look like I might have to return to Minnesota and abandon our plans for relocating to Portland. However, I had quit my job already and had no options for going back. Plus, I was committed to my new employer and had signed relocation agreements. We decided that if this move was going to happen, we had to get the entire family out to Portland, post haste.

We decided to drive the family across the country, rather than fly. Though it would take far longer, we hoped that it would give us a sense of perspective, of where we were in comparison to our home of 30-some years. At the time, my twin boys were two years old, and my daughter was four. All of our possessions left in a moving truck, and we hit the road in our minivan armed with a DVD player and dozens of movies.

While the 1700-mile drive could be done in three days, we decided to take it at a slower pace and reward the kids with pool time in a hotel at the end of each day. Having some time to get out of the car was critical for the sanity of our kids, even though my wife and I wanted to keep going.
While I was back in Portland, I prepared our house for the rest of the family. We let the kids select the colors of their rooms, which proved to be a good way to get them engaged in the new environment before they got there. By the time we rolled into the new city, they were excited to see their new rooms.

The single most challenging part of the entire process was being apart for three months during the move. The stress that was created for my wife was tremendous, as she had to keep the house clean and ready to be seen by purchasers, while taking three wild children all on her own.
Comparatively, the actual move was much easier than the preparation and the challenges that would come as we settled into our new home and community.

————————————————————————————————- New to the Divadom?
Please Subscribe to my RSS Feed! Subscribe in a reader
Questions?Drop me a line at dadofdivas@gmail.com

I look forward to seeing you back here again!

I was recently thinking about this and saying to myself, what should a parent do to ease the stress on a child when a move is imminent. Over the next few days I will bring you some sage wisdom from four dads that I have recruited that have experiences moving with their kids in different ways.

I asked Jeremy from Discovering Dad, Tyler from Building Camelot, Joey from Daddybrain, and Josh from Raging Dad to share their experiences with you. I hope you will enjoy this series and look forward to your comments!
————————————————————————————————-
Attitude is everything. If mom or dad are excited, upset or somewhere in the middle, then it has been my experience that the kids mirror that attitude with regard to a move both before and after it happens. My oldest daughter has experienced multiple moves throughout her life, although we have been settled for more than 4 years in our home now.

Each move was different, and it depended largely on where she was at in her developmental stage in life as to what information was shared or not. During her younger years, we moved twice – once near my parents and the other near her other grandparents, so we focused in on those things that she found exciting.

As a young child, she could have cared less. In fact, after we told her, she would pack her little princess bag and be ready to go that night, even though we were weeks away. As she got older, and more attached to her friends at school, things got harder to “sell” as being positive. We always tried to reassure her that she would make new friends, and new beginnings meant new opportunity to make life even better. The good thing about kids, including my daughter, is that they are incredibly resilient, as long as they receive proper support from mom and dad.

————————————————————————————————-

When we moved into our new house a little over a year ago, our daughter was almost two. The world was exciting to her at the time and when we took her house hunting she had a blast running around the rooms and up and down all the steps. We didn’t have to look long because we found some new construction in the city in a safe and established neighborhood. We took our daughter into the model home a couple of times and let her just wander around the house. While we were there we would ask “Do you like it here?”, “Would you like to have a room here?” and she would always say “Yes”.

A few days later we put a contract on a muddy mess of a lot. It was early January and they were about to start pouring the foundation for the floor plan we loved and it was the best lot available. Over the next few months, we were able to take Olivia to the lot and show her the house being built. I think it really helped her understand what was going on and allowed us to talk about the new house while we were at home. It didn’t take long for her to start asking us about “my new house” and “my new room”. After I would pick her up from daycare, she would ask, “We go see my new room?” quickly followed by “We go see my new house?”. I think she was looking forward to the new house.

I think what really helped was how much my wife and I talked about the new house. It didn’t hurt that we visited the new house at least once a week. If you’re moving into an existing home you obviously don’t have that luxury. As long as you and your wife talk about the move, the “new” house and the “new” rooms, I think the transition will be a little less stressful.
————————————————————————————————-
Our first son, Max, was only 2 1/2 when I accepted my job out here in Wisconsin. My second son, Joss, was still inutero.

We were very honest with Max right away as to what was going on. We let him know that we’d be moving to Wisconsin, and we’d have a house of our own with a beautiful backyard (this was one of our house requirements). We told him he’s have a room of his own. We were living in an apartment at the time, with a drug addict, alcoholic, chain smoker living in the basement – it wasn’t pretty.

We all watched videos of different homes that I filmed while commuting out here. Since my second son was now just a newborn, we wanted to wait a little bit before moving the whole family out here.

So I was out here by myself each week, living in t temporary housing. Each night after work I’d see some homes with my realtor, Phil Carouso (great guy). I’d film them and show them to the family when I got back to NY.

Max, who was very advanced for a 2-year old, was an active participant in the house-choosing process. He gave his most excellent opinion on each house we viewed.
We read books to Max about moving, going on an airplane and what it would be like to move to a far away city. We didn’t want Max to be surprised by anything that was going to happen.
————————————————————————————————
In early 2006, I began looking for a new job, and my wife and I agreedthat looking out of state would be an option for us. My wife and Iwere high school sweethearts who had moved from rural, small town Minnesota to the bustling Twin Cities for college. Neither of us hadlived outside of the land of 10,000 lakes. On the plus side, we had anincredible support network of family and friends. However, we enviedour friends who had experienced living in other places. With our kidsstill young—a daughter, 4; and twin sons, 2—this was the ideal timefor us to give it a try, if there is such a thing as an ideal time.

After six months of job hunting, things finally fell in place and I landed a job in Portland, Ore. I accepted an offer in June 2006, andwas to start work at the beginning of August. This meant that we hadonly two months to get the house ready, put it on the market, and bidfarewell to our family and friends. The biggest challenge for our kidswas going to be leaving their cousins and grandparents, who they arebest of friends with, and were used to seeing each other regularly.

We explained to the kids that we were moving to another part of thecountry, and would not be able to see our family members as frequentlyas we were accustomed to. This didn’t have much meaning for any ofthem. We tried showing them maps and talking about the distance, but it was far too abstract. The best tool we found was a globe, which thekids seemed to find more interesting. Even so, we could tell that itwas going to be difficult to prepare them mentally for the move, andthe radical change in our social and familial networks.

The For Sale sign on our house went up just as the housing market fellinto the toilet. It was rapidly looking like I would have to go out toPortland on my own until the house sold. At the end of July, I set offalone across the country, into the west without my family. For me,this marked the beginning of the actual move. For my family—especiallymy children—this was only the beginning of understanding what washappening to our family. The maps and globes were abstract tools toexplain a theoretical process of pulling up our roots; my complete andtotal absence for three months was a profound signal of changes tocome. From this point on, every day would only bring greater stress,and greater challenge.

————————————————————————————————- New to the Divadom?
Please Subscribe to my RSS Feed! Subscribe in a reader
Questions?Drop me a line at dadofdivas@gmail.com

I look forward to seeing you back here again!