Dads in the Limelight ( #limelightdads )- Mike Tremoulet ( @coffeemike ) #dadchat

Hi! I’m Mike Tremoulet, an enterprise IT architect for a major corporation by day and an avid home cook, unfiltered Twitterer, and lapsed blogger by night. Why am I in the limelight? I’m still working that out. Among some circles, I’m known for my love of food (making it, feeding folks, and occasionally going out) and drink (wine, beer, coffee, you name it). In other circles, I might be more “Mr. Christine“, guilty by association. I don’t see that as a negative at all; it’s an honor and privilege to be able to support her in the amazing work she does.

In a word, “instant”. My stepson was 10 years old when my wife and I met, and 12 when we got married. So, I jumped right into the teenage years with both feet. Nowadays, he’s in college, and it’s just Christine, me, and two cats, Graham and Maggie.

Heh. Wow. Just one? Here’s three.

Someone once told me that babies are incredibly cute and sort of create this bank of emotional credit with you that they deposit in through childhood. Once they reach teens, give or take, they start to withdraw from that credit. The goal is to break even by the time they move out. Me? I showed up right at the peak of that journey – so, having commitment to the cause is a big part of it.

Seriously, there aren’t a lot of role models out there for step parents. (Mike Brady doesn’t count.) I’ve been inspired at times by Wil Wheaton’s stories and snippets of how he and his stepson relate. We could use more people talking openly about being a step parent – yes, it’s a lot of the same challenges other parents face, but there’s some unique aspects that deserve a bit of a support network.

Finally, for all parents out there, it’s about managing expectations. We all want our children to have a successful life, maybe not bruise-free but certainly on a path to happiness and security. I admit, even coming in mid-way, I had a narrative in my head about what my child’s future would be. And you know what? I’ve been COMPLETELY wrong so far. I’ve said for a while, I have no doubt in my head that my stepson will be, say, in his late 20s and a happy, contributing, successful member of society. Getting from here to there? I have NO FLIPPIN’ CLUE. Seriously. He has to write his own story, and find his own way; he’s got a good head on his shoulders, a good sense of right and wrong, and that’s really about all I can hope to have influenced.

Footnote – my high school English teacher and I have kept up over the years; she raised three boys through some adventurous teenage years, so I’ve kept her on speed dial as my stepson hit the same ages. She said something that really stuck with me – “Does he have all his fingers? All his toes? Has he done irreparable bodily harm? Then you’re fine. That’s success.” And really, it is. I will push my stepson to do and be his best, but I’ve had to mentally focus on that as success – otherwise, I lose way too much sleep worrying about fixing things that are truly out of my control.

Be engaged and involved. Don’t feel like you have to be the sole provider for the family so much that you keep your focus outside the home and leave those folks in the home to sort themselves out. Remember that being a parent isn’t about you, it’s about the children; follow their curiosity and enthusiasm. And lead by example – in the long run, that’s way more powerful than barking and giving directions.

But top of the list? Talk to other dads. A lot. “Support group” sounds way too self-help, but honestly, we all need a network of friends that will listen to you bitch. You know how moms may get together over a play date and talk for hours? There’s something to that. You don’t have to have all the answers and you’re allowed to throw your hands up in the air – venting it out with other dads is how you FIND the answers and get back on track.

Same way you balance everything else – you make time for the things that are important. “I just don’t have time” doesn’t resonate with me, although I’ve used that line plenty of times in my life. Prioritize, ruthlessly. The difference with parenting versus a hobby is that parenting comes as much as an obligation as it does a choice. Remember that family matters, and even if you have to roll up your sleeves and put off the slide deck you’re writing until after dinner to help with long division, that’s the priority.

I’m very lucky in that while my day job is exceedingly hectic and busy, I have a lot of flexibility about when and how I get my work done. That’s helped me. If you don’t have that, look at how to schedule or structure as much as you can around your fixed obligations, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Just remember that delegating doesn’t give you a pass to not be involved.

That we’re all winging it. Don’t care who you are or what your background is, as soon as it comes to you and your own children, we’re all winging it.

It’s rewarding, but the payoff is in the long game. Plenty of days will be a slog to the finish line. You’ll lose your patience and really wish you hadn’t snapped when you did. If you remember nothing else, remember this – parenting is a daily exercise in forgiving yourself. Just as we all have ideas about how our kids will grow up, we have expectations for ourselves as parents. I guarantee you that you’ll miss on some of those. Relax, forgive yourself, and whittle it down to the things that REALLY matter.

Oh, my. Plenty, but many not for public consumption. Lots of proud moments too, that make for great memories but not great stories. I’ll go back to when Christine and I were starting to date, as she wrote it publicly and it’s hilarious. I remember her telling me the story, and my reaction – “Well, hell, let’s see where THIS goes.” Nine years and change of married life later, still going strong.