Our 316th Dad in the Limelight is Mark Vander Ley. I want to thank Mark for being a part of this series. It has been great getting connected with him and now sharing him with all of you.
1) Tell me about yourself, (as well as how you are in the limelight for my readers knowledge)
My name is Mark Vander Ley I am a father of four, a therapist for children, and a blogger of the blog Parenting Boys…Raising Men. I work at a therapeutic day school for children who have experienced or are experiencing on-going trauma. My role is to provide clinical direction, staff consultation, and counseling. My space in the limelight is found in my role of helping parents to navigate the sometimes difficult road of raising a child. I am passionate about sharing my experiences as a father and therapist to help others grow and prosper as parents. I started my blog Parenting Boys Raising Men to encourage other parents and as an outlet for writing. I have written a small group parenting curriculum as well as a short book entitled Stuff Dads Say.
2) Tell me about your family
I am married to a wonderful mother and nurse. She is currently in school to become a nurse practitioner. We have been blessed with 3 energetic and fun-loving boys ages 7,5, and 3 as well as a baby girl 7 months old. We are thankful for my wife’s nursing skills, as many days it seems we live in a triage unit. My wife and I met in Texas, moved to California after our honeymoon, then to Branson, Missouri and now we live in Illinois. My family rarely sits still, is always up for an adventure, and really enjoys being outside.
3) What has been the largest challenge you have had in being a father?
The biggest challenge for me as a father has been getting over my own selfishness. I discovered when we had our first child that I was a really selfish person I didn’t really want to give up the time, stuff, personal desires, and time that were required to be an engaged father. It required a significant amount of struggle and frustration for me to realize that as I sacrificed some of these small things it became easier and easier to connect with my child.
4) What advice would you give to other fathers?
I would advise fathers to be engaged and to be willing to change. One of the main reasons I started by blog and wrote my book “Stuff Dads Say” was to encourage fathers to see their role in parenting as crucially important. Being engaged means getting on the ground an playing, setting down the phone to listen attentively, and turning off the TV when the kids are home.
5) Seeing that you (or your position) are in the limelight, how have you come to balance parenthood and outside life? If you are currently not in the limelight per se, please still answer this in regards to how you balance parenthood and outside life.
It is very challenging to balance being a father of four with my work responsibilities. I work with children who have been neglected and traumatized. Providing therapy for hurting children can require significant amounts of emotional and physical energy. It is difficult at times to give so much of my self to these hurting children and then to have any left for my children at home. I have worked to balance this by being sure to leave work at work. I have attempted to develop hobbies such as cycling and reading. Time to rejuvenate is also important regular date nights with my wife, and getting enough sleep, and quiet reflective time are all important to providing me with the energy needed.
6) What have you learned from the fathers that you have interacted with?
I have learned that we are all working really hard to influence our children in significant ways. I have learned that even if we do not agree on social, political, or religious issues we can agree that being a dad is the most important thing. I have learned that there are many more dads in this country that are taking fatherhood seriously than what is portrayed in the mass media.
7) What else would you share regarding your experiences as a father thus far?
I would like to share that as I have grown as a man, and father so my children have grown. It seems that the more willing I am to reflect on my challenges as a man, the more able I am to be the man that my children need me to be.
8) What have been the most memorable experiences that you have had thus far as a parent?
The most memorable experiences I have had as a parent are the very small daily occurrences of growth in my children. The first word, potty training, when I discover they can make a joke, when I realize that we have a special connection, or when the whole family shares a laugh.
If you have any questions for Mark, please leave a comment here and I will make sure that he gets them so that he may be able to respond!
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